Every Shy (or ex-Shy) cringes when remembering an excruciatingly humiliating moment. I even shudder now as I write about one of mine.
In third grade, the most difficult part of my school day was math class. Not because the numbers were mind-boggling. Not because I hated my math teacher. But because of my acute shy attacks.
The math teacher often gave us an exercise and then left the room for a few minutes. With furrowed brows, the other girls would finish the exercise, then they would start clucking like a bunch of baby chickens until the teacher returned. But I, the shy ostrich, buried my head in my books and pretended to still be working.
One unforgettable day, the teacher gave us an exercise and then, as usual, left the room. During those silent working minutes, I felt the urgent need to pass gas (commonly known then as a “raspberry”). As the gas flooded through me, I knew I would be unable to halt its escape. Thanks to our Maker, I managed to let the air out silently and slowly. It sailed away, and, with a sigh of relief, I went back to tackling my math assignment.
Less than thirty seconds later, one of the girls, Sonia, lifted her head and said, “I smell raspberries.” Laughter from all.
“I wonder where it’s coming from,” another girl chirped. More uproarious laughter.
“Let’s find out!” Sonia pronounced with the determination of Sherlock Holmes. Then the nightmare began. Like an Easter egg hunt, Sonia began the festive search for the origins of the scent.
Starting at the other side of the room, she crawled up and down each row dramatically sniffing everybody—much to the hilarity of all of the confident girls who knew they were not culpable.
When she got to my row, I became hysterical. I grabbed my books and bolted out, tears streaming down my face. As I raced down the hall, I heard a cruel chorus behind me chanting, “It was Leilie. It was Leilie. It was Leilie.”
Fifty-eight percent of Shys can recall a traumatic social experience near the onset of their symptoms. Forty-four percent remember one intense episode, which they felt started it.63
—JOURNAL OF ABNORMAL PSYCHOLOGY
Before I started school, therefore before I was even five years old, I had to go to the hospital for what probably was only three or four days, but my memory is that it was an eternity. I was in a children’s ward. I had the bed in the corner. I was the only boy in the ward—all the others were girls. But I would have been too young to understand gender difference. I would not talk to anyone. Some of the other children were quite loud and extraverted, they clowned around a lot. Particularly the girl in the bed in the opposite corner. I often cried. She would be the one to notice and loudly make fun of it to all the others. I would roll over facedown and pretend to be asleep.
I was too shy to ask where the toilets were, so at least daily I would wet the bed. The nurses got increasingly angry that I kept doing this and yelled at me in front of the girls.
—Nathan F., Green Bay, Wisconsin
Most little kids don’t mean to be cruel. Without thinking, however, they can be vicious. The Journal of Clinical Child Psychology cites a study called “Predictors of Peer Rejection in Early Elementary Grades” that confirms the harmful effects of these early episodes.64
One single experience doesn’t make a kid shy if she is not sensitive to start with. But it sure doesn’t help! Even if a Shy doesn’t have one early horror story to point to, how well she feels accepted in school is crucial.65 It becomes a template of her expectations in later years.
Parents, it’s important to look for signs that your child is being bullied. Signals include torn clothes, missing belongings, unexplained injuries, fear of walking to the school bus, taking an unusual route to school, and so on. If you see any of these signs, talk to your child about it and convince him that it’s the bullies’ fault—not his. Don’t tell him to physically fight them. Do, however, encourage him to face bullies with a strong erect “Stop it!” instead of cowering. You can even rehearse this with your child.
If the bullying behavior continues, talk to your child’s teacher about it.