Shyness is a curse. Shyness makes me feel like I am an unwanted guest in everyone else’s world. Shyness is the worst personality trait of all, without a doubt. I would rather be obnoxious and boorish than shy. Obnoxious and boorish people don’t seem to be too bothered by being obnoxious and boorish at least.
—Dave B., Toledo, Ohio
Think back to your grandparents’ time, when online dating was a twinkle in some yet-unborn techie’s eyes and the words pick up meant “get your socks up off the floor.” If Grandma had been too shy to go to parties and Grandpa hid out in the bedroom memorizing guests’ coat labels, you wouldn’t be here reading this book.
Things haven’t changed all that much for Shys over the years. Well-meaning friends and family still say, “C’mon, just force yourself to… go to the party… ask her for a date… talk to him… request a raise… join the conversation… speak up in the meeting….”
Don’t they know how hard it is? The anxiety? The wanting to be invisible? The fear that you’ll say something stupid? The sparkling conversations in your head that you don’t have the courage to start? Yet you know you have a lot to offer and, if you could just say “good-bye” to being shy, everything would be OK. You could get on with your life.
I know firsthand how excruciating shyness is. Well into my working years, my face looked like a radish whenever I talked to strangers. I remember standing on the sidelines at parties wishing my dress matched the wallpaper to make me invisible.
I wish I’d had this book then. I am gratified that I can provide it for you now.
Research in the 1940s gave us a gift that saved millions of lives—penicillin. Research in recent years has given us a gift that can save millions the agony of shyness. It derives from recent studies on shyness conducted by pioneering researchers in sociology, psychiatry, genetics, biology, physiology, and pharmacology.
Shyness research is almost synonymous with the names Philip Zimbardo, Bernardo Carducci, Jerome Kagan, and a few others. I am grateful to them, and you will gain further insight from much of their groundbreaking research. All of the information in Good-Bye to Shy is substantiated by the recent work of professionals in both the medical and mental health fields. Based on their research, I’ve created eighty-five ShyBusters—exercises to cure or curtail your shyness. (If you’d like more information on any particular technique, you can go to the original sources, which are listed in the References.)
If you take time to practice each ShyBuster, your shyness will soon be a faint memory. I know, because I went from a hermit-teen who was terrified of people to a self-assured woman who now lectures around the country, does media interviews, and feels comfortable at any gathering. If these ShyBusters worked for a girl who was shy around her own shadow, they will definitely work for you!
A few notes before you start. Recently, there have been phenomenal pharmacological advances to help people suffering from a vast variety of conditions. When I was battling shyness, “help in a capsule” didn’t exist. I was a do-it-yourselfer and, in Good-Bye to Shy, I’m addressing other Shys who choose to take that path. If you are seeing a mental health professional, follow his or her advice on medication. It is not within the purview of this book to make suggestions either way.
Fellow do-it-yourselfers, here’s how to get the most out of Good-Bye to Shy. First, read the whole book sequentially so that you understand the significance of each ShyBuster. Then, depending on which exercises are most challenging for you personally, decide the order you’re going to do them in—easiest to most difficult, of course. And then get to work!
Don’t skip Part 11, “For Parents and Shys Who Want to Know Why (and How to Prevent It!).” There you will find fascinating answers to questions about your own personal shyness. If you have children who are, or whom you fear will become shy, you will discover unique ways to prevent or shrink their shyness.
When I was a kid, I had all of the usual questions: “Why is the sky blue?” “Did Eve have a belly button?” “What was the best thing before sliced bread?”
But “Why am I shy?” wasn’t one of them. I didn’t care why. I just wanted a quick cure. As a recovered Shy, however, I realize origins are important. They give you a realistic picture of yourself, of what to expect, and of how to go about it.
I’ve heard Shys speculate…
“It must have been Mom and Dad’s fault.”
“It was those nasty kids in the neighborhood who called me names.”
“I think it’s genetic.”
Later in the book, I will give you clues to the origin of your particular shyness. But before I do so, I would like to quote a great actress and, I now discover, a great philosopher, who fought a lifelong battle with shyness.
We are taught you must blame your father, your sisters, your brothers, the school, the teachers. You can blame anyone, but never blame yourself. It’s never your fault. But it’s always your fault, because if you want to change, you’re the one who has got to change. It’s as simple as that, isn’t it?
—Katharine Hepburn
As you will learn, the origins of shyness are different for each Shy. You will also discover what “type” of Shy you are. Are you, for example, a Highly Sensitive Shy (HSS), who was born with a proclivity toward timidity? Or are you a Situational Shy (SS), whose parents and youthful experiences deeply affected you?
I put this key section at the end of the book because, if you are like me when I was shy, you probably want to race right to the cures and will worry about “why” later on. If you want a deeper understanding of the techniques, however, you might want to read that section first.
The stories throughout the book come from my own stinging shyness and the experiences of other Shys I’ve known. Other stories come from attendees in my shyness seminars. At first, I thought that inviting people to a “Shyness Seminar” would be like telling participants for a “Fear of Tigers” club to meet me in the tiger’s cage at the zoo. Happily, however, Shys did come, and they shared their experiences openly.
I asked them to e-mail me their triumphs and tribulations so you can read them in their own words. You will also find excerpts from letters sent by readers of my other books and complimentary monthly e-zine (which you can sign up for by visiting my website, lowndes.com). At the end of the book, there is a list of names of those who contributed. Some contributors requested anonymity and they have chosen a substitute name.
Finally, let me introduce a few terms that I will use for the sake of simplicity. We’ll substitute the word Shys for shy people, Sures for those who are confident, and scary for people or situations you find intimidating. And, for extra ease in reading, instead of constantly writing he, she, they, some Shys, many Shys, most Shys, and so on, may I substitute the word you? Not everything in Good-Bye to Shy will refer to you specifically, of course. So please don’t take it personally if the word you sounds like I’m pointing fingers. The findings are based on studies and statistics of Shys in general. Here’s the deal. I’ll make the book easier for you to read, if you don’t take offense when I say you meaning “in general,” OK?
Now let’s get started so that you, too, can soon say “good-bye” to your shyness.
I used to be very shy. I couldn’t look people in the face and became red. I was embarrassed and used to sweat in front of others. Due to low self-esteem and low self-image, I used to feel inferior to others. But then one day, I began to question things. I realized that nobody is better than me. Who told me I’m no good? I realized that the people who make me feel that way are not in that credible or successful position themselves. So why would I believe what these people say about me? They were not qualified to make such comments.
—Tony V., Sydney, Australia