She was too aware of him in church Sunday morning. Wade smelled clean and woodsy, and he was wearing dark jeans and a crisp white button-down with the sleeves rolled up. Corded forearms flexed as he held open the hymn book. They sang along with the congregation. His low voice was so inviting, Kit had to discreetly scoot away to create an inch of space between them. She needed to create more than an inch—more like a couple hundred miles. And even that might not be enough.
For hours she’d tried to sleep, only to repeatedly replay his kiss in her mind. Had she been grinning like an idiot in her supercomfortable bed half the night? Yes. And worse, she’d let her mind wander to places it shouldn’t go.
Like staying in Sweet Dreams and raising the baby here. On Wade’s ranch. With Wade.
Unfortunately, her mind was still stuck in that fantasy, and his presence next to her wasn’t helping matters. Had the air-conditioning broken or something? She fanned her face.
“You all right?” Wade whispered.
No, she was not all right. She’d foolishly left herself open to more heartbreak and pain. Wade didn’t love her. Sure, he’d been taking care of her. Yeah, last night he’d kissed her. What a kiss...
But a spur-of-the-moment kiss didn’t equal love.
And one loveless marriage was enough for her for a lifetime.
“I’m fine, thanks.” She wasn’t what Wade needed, anyhow. He needed a wife who was fully present. One without a bunch of baggage from her past. Someone fun who challenged him. Someone beautiful and kind. Someone who would make him happy, not disappoint him the way she had Cam.
As much as she loathed the thought of moving in to the apartment in Casper, her move-in date was fast approaching, and her doctors’ appointments were less than two weeks away.
She had to get her head out of fantasyland and into reality, where it belonged. Wade’s friend Marshall was getting married on Saturday, and Wade was a groomsman. That meant Friday night he’d be at the rehearsal dinner and all day Saturday at the wedding. Marshall and Ainsley had invited her to both. She planned on attending. It would be her last hoorah in Sweet Dreams.
Disappointment made her slump.
She’d come back and visit. After the baby was born and things had settled. She’d been getting better at pushing away worries about his health lately. A big part of that was due to Wade.
It was okay to rely on him as a friend.
It wasn’t okay to mentally make him something more.
“In the second book of Corinthians we’re told we have a merciful God, the source of all comfort. As you prepare for a new week, remember His mercy, acknowledge His comfort. Amen.” The pastor signaled for them to rise.
Kit placed her program on the seat next to her and pushed her hands against the pew to stand. She was getting more off balance as her belly grew. Wade grasped her elbow and helped her up the rest of the way.
She would miss his touch when she moved. She’d forgotten how a simple touch could make her feel less alone in this world.
Life with Cam had been very lonely.
Her world would be changing soon. New roles, new town, new everything. At least she could rest in the assurance that God would see her through it all.
When the service ended, she and Wade made their way outside to the lawn, where groups of people chatted.
“Do you mind if we skip breakfast at Dottie’s this morning?” he asked.
“Not at all. Why?”
“I need to check on a section of fence, and it will take a while.”
Disappointment spilled to her toes. She propped up what she hoped was a bright smile. “No problem. I think I’ll take a nap. And I might do a little online shopping for the new apartment.”
Something flickered in his eyes, but she ignored it. This was what they were doing, right? Reminding each other last night’s kiss hadn’t meant a thing and they both had their own lives. Apart from each other. With no kissing or commitment allowed.
“Kit!” Amy hustled over with pink cheeks glowing and dark brown hair swinging behind her. “I talked to my mom this morning, and we want to come down and help you out when you have the baby. We’ll stay in a hotel for a few days until you’re on your feet.”
Amy’s eyes sparkled with excitement. This woman—this virtual stranger—wanted to help. And her mother did, too. How amazing was that?
“I would love that.” Kit took Amy’s hands in hers and squeezed them. “But if it’s too much or something comes up, I understand. I’ll be fine.”
“Nonsense. It will give me a crash course on newborns. And, trust me, you want my mom helping. She knows what she’s doing and doesn’t get frazzled.”
A mom helping her—how bittersweet. She had no memories of her own mother. Aunt Martha had been a nightmare. The foster homes had been fine mostly, but as time wore on and she moved again and again, her heart had crusted over. As much as she’d wanted a mother, she’d given up hope. She’d resigned herself to the fact she was alone. Then Cam came along and she’d thought her circumstances had changed, but they hadn’t. Not really.
And now she had two women offering to help her when the baby arrived...
Wade cleared his throat. She’d forgotten he was there. He didn’t look happy.
“Sorry. I know you’re busy. We can go.” She patted his arm, then turned to Amy. “Thanks again. And thank your mom for me.”
“I wish you’d stay here for good.” Amy hugged her.
“I have to do what’s best for the baby.” She waved goodbye. Wade put his hand against the small of her back to direct her to the parking lot.
The baby. Best for the baby. An NICU. Good doctors. Proximity to the hospital.
What if the hole healed on its own? Or what if the doctors were able to surgically correct it after she gave birth?
Would she really need to live in Casper?
If the baby’s health improved, she could live wherever she wanted. Even Sweet Dreams. What a comforting thought. But could she live near Wade and not fall in love with him? When she was already halfway there?
Wade didn’t need to check on fence, and he could have gone to Dottie’s Diner with his friends, but he’d chickened out. The more time he spent with the other couples, the more he wanted to be part of one, too. And sitting next to Kit in church this morning had been pure torture.
She’d smelled like tropical flowers. Her warm skin kept brushing his, making him all too aware of her beauty. Now that he knew exactly how she fitted in his arms and how her lips felt against his, he could think of little else. So he’d made an excuse to get away from her, from his friends, from everything.
He needed to create some major distance between himself and Kit.
He steered his truck south to the hundred acres that had started it all. The weather was perfect. Sunny and not too windy.
And while he was driving to inspect fence that didn’t need inspecting, Kit was back at the ranch shopping for the apartment he’d been avoiding thinking about. The unsafe apartment he couldn’t bear to think of her living in.
He turned up the radio’s volume and let the country song chase away his thoughts. Before long he pulled onto the long dirt road leading to the old house, aka the shack. He drove past it to where the pasture began.
Stopping at the gate, he got out and just stood and watched the cattle. Tails flicking, heads bowed to forage the grass.
His cell phone rang, and without checking the caller, he answered.
“The young couple I told you about wants to tour your ranch. Today.” Ray Simon sounded excited.
His heart sank. “They haven’t checked out Dudley Farms, have they?”
“No. I’ve pushed it hard. Told their agent you’re motivated to sell. They aren’t very interested in it. But they definitely want to see JPX Ranch. They can be there in two hours. Are you okay with that?”
Was he okay with selling his home, the inheritance from a man who had given him the rights of a son?
He’d never be okay with it.
But what choice did he have?
“Yeah.”
“I’ll call their agent and tell them. Hopefully, we’ll get an offer soon.”
“Got it. I’m out at another property right now.”
“That’s fine. Their agent can call me with any questions.” Ray went over a few more things before hanging up.
Wade slipped his phone back in his pocket and hitched a cowboy boot on the bottom rail of the fence to watch the cattle graze. How did I get here? How did I go from top of the world, more money than I knew what to do with, to this? I can’t believe I might lose JPX.
If the couple bought JPX Ranch, where would that leave him?
Back to where he’d started. Except with more money in his pocket.
Slowly, he turned and surveyed the land. He would still own this. His original ranch wasn’t part of the property for sale. Moving back into the shack would be the ultimate humiliation after finding so much success.
Or he could move to Dudley Farms.
It had been months since he’d been there. He could barely remember the house, since he’d been interested only in the land. He should head up there soon even if the thought of living there, far away from his friends, didn’t appeal in the slightest.
Maybe it was better Kit was moving soon. She wouldn’t be around to see his fall from grace. With her in another town, he’d forget about the kiss, and he’d figure out how to move forward with or without JPX Ranch. He’d be fine. And so would she. She had Amy and Amy’s mom to help her when the baby came. She wouldn’t need him anymore.
But he needed her.
Gritting his teeth, he clenched his hands into fists. He’d better get her away from the ranch while the couple toured it or he’d have a lot of explaining to do.
“I’ve got some good news.” Kit scooped coleslaw onto her fork at Roscoe’s BBQ late that afternoon. It wasn’t really good news, but Wade didn’t need to know that. She’d been surprised when he’d shown up this afternoon insisting they go into Sweet Dreams for some shopping and dinner. After smelling all the candles in Loraine’s Mercantile, they’d window-shopped on Main Street. An awkwardness existed between them that hadn’t been there before. She figured her news would help distract both of them from the inconvenient feelings surrounding them. “I can move in to the apartment a few days early.”
He stared at her for a charged moment, then resumed chewing his pulled-pork sandwich.
“I’m going there Wednesday morning to do a walk-through and to sign the final paperwork. I can move in as early as Friday.” She ripped a hunk off her biscuit, but didn’t eat it.
“I thought you were going with me to the rehearsal dinner. And what about the wedding on Saturday?”
“I’ll still go to both.” She was glad he still wanted her to go with him. “I’ll move next Monday. It will be nice to spend one more weekend here.”
“You can spend more than a weekend, you know.”
“I know.” She frowned, staring at her plate. “It’s time to go, though.”
“Line up a few other apartments.” He didn’t look happy, and the words were gruff. “I’ll take you on Wednesday.”
“You don’t have to go with me.”
“I want to. I’ll drive.” He avoided eye contact. “I’ve been wanting to check on Dudley Farms, anyhow. We’ll swing up on the way back.”
“I’d like to see it.” She took another bite. “If you don’t want to drive to Casper, don’t worry about it. I’ll be fine going there on my own.”
“I’m not leaving you to do this by yourself.”
Just the words she’d gotten used to hearing. The ones she relied on from him more than he knew.
He frowned, rubbing his chin. “Will it be too much for you? Sitting in the truck for hours can’t be good for you or the baby.”
“It’s not as though we’d be driving all day.”
He considered it and nodded. “Okay. But if at any point you don’t feel right, you let me know and we’ll stop and rest. I don’t want you overdoing it or getting blood clots in your legs from sitting too long.”
Blood clots? She fought the urge to smile. The man got more paranoid every minute. And she didn’t mind it at all. It was nice to have him care. She didn’t know what she’d do without him to lean on.
Casper already seemed like the loneliest place in the world.
She glanced at his lips and quickly looked away. Her neck grew warm.
His question from last night roared back—Why did Cam want a divorce?
Because something was lacking in her that other people had. No one ever chose her, wanted her, and Cam had obviously realized he’d made a mistake.
“And I’m serious about the other apartments, Kit. I don’t like the looks of the one you’re renting.”
She didn’t like the looks of it, either. But she didn’t have other options. Cam’s life insurance would pay for the baby’s doctor bills and her living expenses until she found a job. She couldn’t blow it all on a fancy apartment. Even if the one she’d lined up did give her the creeps.
“It will be okay.” But would it? How many times had she told herself those words? How many times had it not been okay? She didn’t know what else to do, though. No job equaled no lease unless someone cosigned for it. And she’d never ask Wade to do that.
She excused herself and hurried to the bathroom.
She stared at her reflection in the mirror. Her face had filled out as the pregnancy progressed. The freckles on her nose blended with the tan she’d picked up since moving here. She looked healthier than she had in a long time.
Cam, if you hadn’t died, I wouldn’t be forced to live in a rat’s nest of an apartment.
Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath.
Actually, she’d still be stuck in a crummy apartment. She’d still be alone, desperate for her baby to be okay.
How many times had she stared into a mirror and seen this exact face—the one with hope etched in the forehead—only to shed devastated tears?
She kept telling herself she was over Cam. She kept trying not to be angry at him. He was dead, after all. But the anger flared again and again.
God, please help me to forgive him for real.
Her thoughts went to Wade and the million and one ways he’d taken care of her since she’d arrived. Maybe that was the problem. Wade’s natural appealing attributes only highlighted Cam’s lack of them.
A soft knock on the door had her scrambling to get herself together.
“Are you all right?” Wade’s voice carried through the door.
Was she all right? She didn’t know.
“Kit?” His voice grew firm, concerned.
She opened the door. “I’m fine.” She moved forward, but he stood his ground, searching her face for...something. She hoped he didn’t find whatever he was looking for.
“What’s going on with you?” He took her biceps in his hands, caressing them gently.
“Nothing.” She tried to smile. Knew she failed.
“Is this about last night? Me kissing you?”
Was it?
Yes.
But not in the way he thought. Wade made her feel cherished, cared for—important—in ways Cam hadn’t. Which was worse? Being married to a man who lavished affection on other women? Or getting affection from a man who might not ever want marriage?
“Kit...” He used his talk-to-me tone.
Fine. He wanted her to talk? She’d tell him what she’d been keeping in. Maybe then she could move on from Cam’s death and from whatever was going on here. She could slink off to Casper and build a new life.
“I’m not talking in the bathroom.” She gave his chest a light shove. He cocked an eyebrow and moved aside for her to go past him.
They returned to the table.
She didn’t even pretend to eat. “Last night you wanted to know why Cam asked for a divorce.”
His eyes flickered in surprise.
“Our marriage wasn’t the stuff of fairy tales and happy endings.” She forced herself to maintain eye contact. “It started out fine, like most couples’, I suppose. But within a few months, Cam got restless. I liked quiet nights at home. He liked hanging out with his buddies.”
She scooted her chair back slightly to rest her hands on her stomach.
“What happened?” Wade asked.
“At first I was hurt. Then I got vocal about his nights out. He didn’t like that. The more I wanted him home, the less he stuck around. We pretty much stopped talking to each other.”
If she’d made more of an effort with him, would he have stayed faithful?
“He was an idiot.” Wade shook his head in disgust.
The corner of her mouth lifted, but she shrugged. “Looking back, I’m not sure why I was so surprised to find out he’d cheated on me.”
“He cheated on you?”
She lifted three fingers. “Three times.”
His face screwed up as he mulled it over. “Why did you stay?”
“I still wanted it...you know...the perfect family. I thought he’d change.”
“But he didn’t.”
“No, and I couldn’t see a different future. So I stayed.” Would she have done anything differently? Left him after the first affair? Pushed harder for counseling? Gone out with him instead of staying home? All the options were giving her a headache.
“What happened? You said he asked for a divorce. What changed?”
Her lungs seized up. This was what she’d been avoiding for months. What changed?
“I guess he finally realized I didn’t make him happy.” Saying the words out loud hurt. “He’d found someone who did, and he wanted to be with her.” A lump grew in Kit’s throat, and she swallowed, but it had lodged in tight.
“Is that what you believe?” His baby blues held no judgment. No pity. Just raw honesty.
She shrugged. Of course that’s what I believe! What else could I think? I bored my husband. Our life didn’t satisfy him. And he wanted out.
“I’m sorry, Kit. You didn’t deserve that.”
The lump expanded. She would not cry. She balled her hands into fists to keep from falling apart.
“Do you still love him?” Wade asked.
Did she? No. What did it say about her? She’d vowed to love him until death. She’d stopped loving him long before then. She wasn’t going to sugarcoat it with Wade. He could handle the truth. If he thought less of her, so be it.
“No, I don’t love him. I tried, but I didn’t try hard enough. I haven’t loved Cam for a long time.”
He nodded and stared into space. “Did you ever love him?”
“Yes, I did.” She’d loved him. He just hadn’t loved her. Not enough, anyhow. And maybe she hadn’t loved him enough, either.
Maybe she wasn’t capable of loving anyone enough.
She refused to believe it. That was one lie she would not buy into. Not today. Not ever. She could love as fiercely as anyone.