“We are wearing cowboy boots, right?” Wade asked Marshall at the men’s store Thursday afternoon. They were having their final tuxedo fittings for the wedding on Saturday. He was faking a chipper mood for Marshall’s sake. Yesterday, after leaving Dudley Farms, he’d wanted to tell Kit the truth about his finances, but she’d been quiet, and before long, asleep.
He hadn’t had the heart to wake her up. And the moment passed, and here he was, wondering why keeping it from her was so important. Keeping it from the guys, on the other hand...
“You even have to ask?” Marshall looked disgusted.
“Well, what are these for, then?” Nash held up shiny black shoes.
Marshall hitched his thumb over his shoulder. “As far as I’m concerned, you can leave them here. I’m not wearing them.”
“What is this color?” Clint held the bow tie up. His wife had planned Marshall and Ainsley’s wedding. “Lexi was adamant it had to be ice blue, not periwinkle, not royal blue, not baby blue. Ice blue. I had to promise to give her the exact description or she was coming along.”
Nash took it from him and squinted. “How can you tell what the difference is?”
Wade and Marshall crowded around them. They stared at the tie for several minutes.
“Just take a picture of it and send it to her.” Wade slid his arms into the black tuxedo jacket. “It looks like the sky to me, but what do I know?”
“Ainsley will love it, no matter what it’s called. Tell Lexi not to worry.” Marshall checked out his reflection in one of the three-way mirrors. “What do you think?”
“Looking good, man.” Wade clapped his hand on Marshall’s shoulder.
Nash whistled. Clint nodded his approval.
When all four of them had their tuxes on, Wade handed the salesclerk his phone. “We need a picture of this. Who would have thought when we met as thirteen-year-olds we’d still be best friends all these years later?”
The clerk took several photos and returned the phone to Wade.
“Who would have thought we’d be living near Sweet Dreams?” Nash slipped the phone into his pocket. “Marsh, you need to move back as soon as Ainsley’s done with nursing school.”
“We might. We’ve talked about it.” Marshall shot Wade a wicked grin. “Isn’t it time you got on it, Wade?”
“Got on what?” He widened his stance. Lately, all he could think about was Kit and the baby and her leaving.
“Claiming your bride.”
“We’ll lasso you up and force you if necessary.” Nash slung his arm over Wade’s shoulders. Wade shrugged it off. Lasso him up. As if they could.
“Maybe he’s not going to get married,” Clint said.
That Clint, he was a good guy.
“And maybe he’s too chicken.” Nash high-fived Marshall.
“All right. Stop.” Wade thrust his palms out. “It’s not happening. Although I think it’s safe to say I’ve been thinking things.”
“Did you hear that?” Nash elbowed Clint. “He’s thinking things.”
Wade glowered at Nash, who, thankfully, shut up.
“I’m not as against marriage as I once was.” He took off the jacket. “But I’m not in a situation to do anything about it. That’s all I’m saying. Don’t read too much into it.”
“Is it Kit?” Clint asked. “She’s mourning her husband, I guess. I hope Lexi would mourn me if I died.”
“The marriage wasn’t great at the end, so I couldn’t say for sure.” He wanted to change the subject, to go back to not being in the spotlight. “But I don’t think she’s pining for him, if that’s what you’re asking. She’s determined to move to Casper. Soon.”
“To be close to the hospital, right?” Nash grew serious. “Amy told me about the little guy’s heart condition.”
Wade nodded.
“Don’t assume anything.” Marshall undid the tie. “She might be in love with you and you don’t know it.”
“No one’s talking about love.” He gulped. Did Kit love him? And why did the thought fill him with so much hope? “I couldn’t do anything about it if she did.” But if Red made an offer on Dudley Farms... God, have mercy. Please let me sell it. Then, and only then, could he explore the feelings he was having about Kit. But all the money in the world couldn’t guarantee forever. “What time is the rehearsal dinner again?”
“We’re meeting at the church at six tomorrow night, then heading over to Belle and Raleigh’s for the rehearsal dinner. Raleigh’s having a pig roast.”
While Nash jabbered on about how hungry he was, Clint just stared at Wade. Why was he looking at him like that?
When he could take the scrutiny no longer, Wade closed the distance between them. “What? You obviously have something on your mind.”
Clint’s jaw clenched, but he nodded. “You remember the night I came to your ranch? I’d just told Lexi I was quitting as her ranch manager. I didn’t think we could be together.”
“I remember.” How could he forget it? He’d never seen Clint so distraught. And the next morning, when Clint had been transparent about his feelings, not only about Lexi but about his childhood, it had stuck with Wade.
Clint tilted his head to the side. “You’re heading for a bad time if you don’t acknowledge what’s going on between you and Kit.”
“There’s nothing—”
“There’s something.”
Wade ground his teeth together. He could feel the pulse in his temple throb. He refused to say another word.
“Figure out what you want. Then go for it. You’ll regret it if you don’t.”
Marshall and Nash hovered near them.
“You told me the same thing, Wade, six months ago,” Marshall said. “It’s time to follow your own advice.”
“And you would have told me, too, but I was too thickheaded to confide in you guys.” Nash grinned.
“I can’t have her.” His blood pressure was skyrocketing. Wouldn’t they just let him be?
Clint exchanged glances with Nash and Marshall.
“I messed up. I bought Dudley Farms, and the crops went bust last year, the equipment is shot, I have no money for seed, I mortgaged my ranch to borrow the money for the property, and I’m up to my ears in bills that I’m dangerously close to not being able to pay.”
He took a breath, surprised at how freeing it was to lay it all out there.
“I’ve been there, man.” Clint nodded. “Desperate.”
“So have I.” Nash rubbed his chin.
“Me, too.” Marshall stepped forward. “You need to pray about it.”
Prayer. They were always harping on about prayer.
And this time it was such a relief.
“I agree,” he said softly.
Three sets of raised eyebrows met him.
“I’m not saying everything’s going to turn out all hunky-dory, but I’ve been talking to the good Lord again.” A little, at least.
“Good. We want to see you happy.”
“Who says I’m not happy?”
None of them seemed convinced.
“Fine, I’ll pray and think about what I want. Now leave me alone.”
“If you need money to get you through...” Each man made the offer. He turned each one down.
“I appreciate it. Appreciate you—every one of you. I’ll get through this. One of the properties will sell. In the meantime, I’m looking for a buyer for Del Poncho.”
“I’ll buy Del Poncho. You know I’ve always loved that horse.” Nash seemed serious, not like he was making the offer out of pity.
“Whoa! Wait. You have JPX Ranch up for sale?” Clint asked.
“Yeah.”
“But it’s...everything to you.”
Lately, it hadn’t been feeling like everything. Lately, Kit had been feeling more important.
“Yeah, well, things change.” He shrugged, trying not to think about losing his ranch.
Marshall rubbed his chin. “When I get back from the honeymoon, I’ll come up to Dudley Farms and take a look at the faulty equipment. Maybe I can get it running. Won’t help you much this summer, but it would be fixed for next year.”
This was why he should have confided in them all sooner. Marshall repaired large machinery for a living. Why hadn’t Wade asked him for help last spring when it could have made a difference? No sense kicking himself. He would make better choices from now on.
“I appreciate it, Marshall. And it might not be necessary if the place sells. Concentrate on the wedding. I hope you’re packing plenty of sunscreen for the beach.”
They all took the hint and started talking about Marshall’s honeymoon destination.
Not long after, they split up in the parking lot, saying that they’d see each other the next day for the rehearsal.
Instead of driving home, Wade drove out to the shack. He took long strides to the front door. After unlocking it, he poked around the rooms. Still had mice droppings. Same small rooms and a few pieces of dusty furniture.
Memories of poring over property listings at the tiny table crashed over him. He’d been so sure of himself and his future back then. Nothing would have stopped him, and nothing had. Here he was, years later, and he’d had success.
But whether he lived on JPX Ranch, Dudley Farms or here in the shack, he had no one to share his life with.
Pulling out one of the kitchen chairs, he dusted off the seat and collapsed onto it.
He wanted Kit and the baby. By his side.
But what did he have to give her?
If an offer from Red came in, he’d have money. Land. His name. Security.
It would be enough for most women. However, Kit wasn’t most women.
And what if Red didn’t make the offer? Wade couldn’t bear to say goodbye to her and let her move in to the apartment. He wanted to feel the baby kick and help her get to her appointments and hold her hand when she needed it.
He wanted her in his life. All the time. Not just on a come-and-go basis.
But naming this feeling wasn’t happening. Because the L word made you vulnerable, and sometimes the people you loved disappeared suddenly, leaving you alone and broken.
He’d been alone and broken for a long time.
If he offered Kit protection and a home, but not the emotional part, would it be enough to convince her to take a chance on him?
She double-checked the order for new bedding and towels before finalizing the online purchase. A 70 percent off clearance had proved fruitful. Plans swirled in her mind. She should be happy. She’d have plenty of time to settle into her new home before the appointments with the obstetrician and the cardiologist.
The baby moved, and she smiled at her belly. He was growing stronger every day.
It didn’t mean the hole in his heart had gone away, though. He wasn’t in the clear. But she’d be the first to admit she’d let down her guard ever since learning he didn’t have special needs. Maybe she’d been wrong to enjoy this time. Should she be worrying? He could still die.
She wouldn’t think about it.
Life progressed on a day-by-day basis right now. No more long-term planning until after the baby was born. She’d get a plan together then.
She padded to the window. This had been a peaceful interlude. She hated to leave it. She’d miss the ranch, this airy, wonderful cabin and, most of all, Wade.
The box of baby supplies Sandra had sent her stood in the corner. A purple envelope with the greeting card peeked out. She’d forgotten she’d been waiting to open it. But now there was nothing holding her back. Sliding the card out, she studied the front, an illustrated elephant mama with a baby. Very cute.
A note fell out, fluttering to the floor. Carefully, she bent to pick it up. Then she smoothed it open.
Dear Kit,
I hope this card finds you and the baby well. You’ve been heavy on my heart and in my prayers. It seems so cruel for you to lose your husband at the same time you’re having a baby. I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through, but I understand loss. I had two miscarriages and a stillborn child before the Lord blessed us with Greta and Mark. The only thing that got me through—and continues to get me through—is knowing I will see each of my babies in heaven. God is taking care of them for me, just like He’s taking care of Cam. Hold on to your faith. In the end, it’s all that matters.
Your friend,
Sandra
The card had almost a dozen signatures, all teachers she used to work with. Blurry-eyed, she sat on the edge of the bed. Cam had been a Christian. A sinner, too, but who wasn’t?
God was taking care of Cam.
A wave of emotion hit her. Did she want God taking care of him? Lord, I’m tired of holding on to this anger and guilt. Forgive me for losing control the night he died, and forgive Cam for causing me so much pain.
She couldn’t get over that Sandra had lost three babies. An ache stole up her torso. How had her friend been able to go on after those losses? And to maintain her faith—it blew Kit away.
Sandra had lost children and kept trying to have them. That was brave.
Could Kit describe herself that way?
Was it brave to be in love with Wade and not tell him? Was she taking the easy way out by moving next week?
What did she really want?
She wanted a life side by side with Wade, kids, friends, Sweet Dreams, all of it.
It was probably an unrealistic fantasy. Even if she got it, it would fall apart somehow. She’d try to make him happy, but he’d get tired of evenings rocking on the porch.
She wouldn’t be enough for him.
She wrung her hands together.
Were those a bunch of lies? Shouldn’t she at least take a chance on having the future she wanted?
She wasn’t brave. The thought of telling Wade the truth about how she felt made her want to vomit.
Heat flushed over her skin. The stress must be getting to her.
Wade’s knee bounced in double time at supper that night. He wasn’t used to feeling so out of sorts. And was he imagining it, or did Kit look pale?
Red and Tori wanted to tour JPX Ranch tomorrow bright and early. He knew they were going to love it. It would solve all his problems, but it was a loss he couldn’t bear to contemplate. Moving from his home? Imagining the look on Jackson’s face if he could see what Wade had done? His appetite vanished.
He might as well get it over with and tell Kit the truth about his money problems. Tomorrow morning she’d wonder why Tori and Red were here.
He hated admitting he’d failed. Hated it.
“Do you have plans tomorrow for lunch?” he asked. The words he should be saying wouldn’t form.
“Not really.”
“Want to go back to the river for another picnic?” Tell her, already!
Her smile lit her face. “I’d love to.”
He couldn’t look away from her green eyes. They were tinted with concerns. He could guess what they were. Would the baby be okay? Would she do all right in a new town on her own? Other worries were in there, too, but he couldn’t decipher them.
“I’ve got to be back by five to get ready for the rehearsal. I’d still like for you to come with me if you’re up for it.”
“Okay.” She averted her eyes. “I’ll see how I feel.”
He lunged for his glass of water again and, in his haste, spilled a few drops. Meals and conversations had never been this uncomfortable in the past. Why couldn’t he tell her what was on his mind?
They ate in silence for a while. He managed to choke down a few bites.
“Wade?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m feeling more peace about Cam lately.”
Cam? The last person Wade wanted to discuss. His blood still boiled when he thought about how the guy had cheated on her.
She continued. “For a while I had all these regrets, like I should have left him after the first time he cheated. But I can see now I would have lost other things if I’d left.”
“You mean the baby?” He leaned back in his chair.
“Yes.” She sighed. “You told me I wasn’t responsible for Cam’s death, and I really didn’t believe you.”
“You weren’t. You yelled at him. People yell at each other every day, and they don’t die.”
“I know. But I hated him. When he told me he wanted to marry the other woman, I hated them both. My head knows I didn’t kill him, but my heart wasn’t getting the memo until recently.”
“Kit...” He lowered his voice. “Let it go. You never could have anticipated he would die of a heart attack.”
He couldn’t see her face, but she had an air of defeat about her.
Crossing over to her, he pulled her out of the chair and into his arms.
“Don’t do this to yourself. You’re the kindest person I know. You would never knowingly hurt anyone.”
“I hurt people. I do it all the time.” She looked up at him. “I repent, and the next thing I know, I’ve sinned again.”
“We all do. We don’t even mean to.”
“I prayed about it. I forgave him. And I asked God to forgive me, too.”
He held her for a few minutes. “While we’re being real, I have something to tell you.”
Questions lurked in her eyes.
“I had to put the ranch up for sale.”
She wrenched free from his grasp. “Why?”
“I messed up.” He stepped to the patio door and eyed the outbuildings in the distance. Then he faced her again. “I couldn’t afford Dudley Farms.” He explained how he’d taken the loans out, and the series of disasters that had dried up his assets. “Red and Tori are coming out here tomorrow, and maybe God will have mercy on me and they’ll buy it.”
“Oh, Wade, but then you’d lose it. I know how much you love this ranch.”
He clenched his jaw, nodding curtly. “It’s better than losing everything. I have to accept the consequences of my poor choice.”
“I’m sorry.” She sidled up next to him, wound her arms around his waist and laid her head against his chest.
“I am, too. But it will work out.” He had to believe it would.
“Wade, you’ve helped me come to terms with my guilt. I’m returning the favor. You made a business decision, and it didn’t work out the way you’d hoped. I don’t want you to feel bad. Taking a chance isn’t a sin.”
He had to take responsibility for this. “You’re right, but the reason for me taking the chance was a sin. I got greedy. Thought I was invincible. I think I assumed everything I touched would succeed.”
He held his breath, searching her eyes for disgust or disappointment.
“Repent and move on. God is our good Father. He loves us and comforts us when we make mistakes. I’m still getting used to the concept.” She stepped back, shivering. “Do you mind if I skip the rest of dinner? My nerves must be getting to me. I feel tired.”
“No problem. I’ll take you over right now.”
He helped her into the truck and drove her to the cabin. Part of him hoped she’d change her mind and invite him to sit on the porch with her like she usually did, but she slipped into the cabin with a tiny wave and that was that.
He drove back to the house.
It felt empty.
Lonely.
He’d never felt all that lonely before, so what had changed?
Kit. She’d changed him. And he couldn’t go back to the way things were.
He didn’t really want to go back to that life. He didn’t want to eat alone, or miss feeling the baby kick. Didn’t want to be deprived of Kit’s conversation, her smile, her easy ways.
He headed straight to his bedroom, threw himself on the king-size bed and turned on a baseball game.
She hadn’t judged him for his financial predicament. And she’d made it sound as if all he had to do was repent and he could move forward guilt-free. Her claiming God was a Father who loved and comforted him sounded good. Who wouldn’t want some of that? But he’d never had a father. Big Bob at Yearling was the closest thing he’d had, and then Jackson had taken him under his wing.
God, I’m sorry for taking my blessings for granted. For letting my greed get the best of me.
Kit was the best person he knew. Why did bad things happen to good people? Lord, heal Kit’s baby. Let him grow up to be a strong, fine man.
Wade’s mom hadn’t deserved to be kidnapped and killed. If she’d lived, his life would have turned out differently. He might not have felt the need to protect his heart so thoroughly.
What did it matter? She had been kidnapped and murdered. He’d grown up an orphan. Kit had, too.
He understood how life worked. Could accept that it wasn’t fair.
He wanted it to be fair for Kit, though. He’d do about anything to make life fair for her.