Forever

Arjun had told me in our last meeting that our next discussion would be about the saddest part of his life. I wanted to meet Arjun to understand this aspect of his life. When I met him, he looked weaker than he had looked a week back. His condition was deteriorating and Mrs Saxena confirmed that he had breathing issues over the last week. Doctors had said that perhaps his end was near.

It is not easy to face a person whose end is near and you and he both know about it. Should one show sympathy at this stage? Or should one try to be cheerful or try and fulfill all the wishes that the person has? Or should one smile or be sad in front of him? Thousands of thoughts cross my mind. However, the person who knows that he is not going to live more, wants the people closest to him to be around him at this time. He doesn’t desire any worldly comforts, he just needs the people who he loves to hold his hand and hug him and be with him for the last few moments that he will be them.

Arjun was so normal in his last days that it made my work very easy to communicate with him. He was focused on the book and he told me when I met him, “I wrote this part of the story a few days back Mr Rahul. I wanted to write this chapter myself, I wanted to relive every moment of those days and take these moments with me when I go. Read it and don’t change a word, it captures all my emotions of those days the way it happened,” said Arjun and handed over a few printed pages to me.

I didn’t know what those pages had in them, but Arjun had warned me not to change a single word, he had never been so affirmative with me, so for sure these papers had something which was very close to him, and I couldn’t wait to read every word written in it. I started reading it in front of Arjun.

It was a morning which didn’t seem alright, the birds which normally used to chirp and fly in pairs in the sky above my house were flying silently. The sun refused to come out of the shadow of the clouds, seemingly in fear of something. The breeze which used to strike my face soothingly reminding me of my K was not blowing. It was as if nature was revolting against something, and I didn’t like it.

I myself had woken up in a very sad mood, as if I had a very bad night and the after taste of the night left a bitter feeling in my whole being. I didn’t feel like going to the college, just wanted to stay at home, like the sun, hiding behind my pillow, I wanted to remain silent like the birds. But I had rehearsals for the play, and the professional in me made me get up and go to the college.

The entire drive in the bus continued to pull my mood apart, pulling me in different directions. I missed my Karishma, and I desperately wanted to hug her in that moment. I closed my eyes and saw Karishma right in front of me, smiling as radiantly as ever, wearing the white dress that I loved so much, opening her arms and asking me for our magical hug. I spread my arms, oblivious to my surroundings, and encompassed her in my arms hugging her very tight as she lay her head on my shoulders, a position which she loved. I whispered into her ears, “I love you my baby,” she smiled and whispered back “I love you too J and always will…FOREVER.” She then closed her eyes. I opened my eyes and looked at the watch, it was 9.15 AM; I was late for my rehearsals. After a while, I got down at the bus stop, my legs trembling, my whole body felt weak as if something has been removed from it; I thought I was going to catch the flu.

The college was comparatively silent as well. I walked to the auditorium and sat in the same seat where I had first seen Karishma, I was missing her so much. I wanted to call her right now and apologize for being rude to her; that’s love, you cover up for each other, you forgive each other, you don’t let the ego stretch matters too far, you understand each other’s down moments and help them recover. I closed my eyes again, and this time the scene came in front of my eyes when Karishma was giving her auditions, I remembered every word of the dialogues that day which played like a film in front of my eyes.

My cue to Karishma - ‘jaane se pehle me tumse sirf ek baat puchna chahata hoon, kya tumne kabhi bhi, ek din ke liye bhi, ek pal ke liye bhi, mujhse pyaar kiya tha? Is sawaal ka jawaab liye bina, mein yahan se jaaonga nahin?’

Karishma’s reply - ‘Arjun ke bare mein, me tumhe kya bataoon, bas itna samajh lo ke us jaisa mene aaj tak kabhi dekha hi nahin, kabhi woh masoom he, to kabhi woh shaitaan, kabhi paagal he to kabhi genius he, kabhi kabhi bachhon se bhi zyada ziddi he, to kabhi kabhi ek pyaara sa saathi, woh kya he or kya nahin, mein shabdon me kabhi use dhal nahi paayi, par pata nahin kyon mujhe aisa lagta he jab woh mujhe dekhta he, to mein khoobsoorat hu, jab woh hasta he to jee karta he mein naach uthu aur jab woh pyaar karta he to aankh bhar aati he, woh mujhe ehsaas dilata he ke me uske liye bani hu, aur woh mere liye, mein usse bahut pyaar karti hu, ek din ke liye nahin, ek pal ke liye, zindagi bhar ke liye, I love you Arjun, I love you.’

(The dialogues in English – Rahul asks - before I go, I want to ask you only one thing, have you for even one day, or one moment loved me. I will not go before I get an answer. Nisha replies – I have never loved you, not for one day, not for one moment, never. Then Nisha changes her emotions – what can I tell you about Rahul, just understand that I have never met anyone like him, sometimes he is so innocent, sometimes so mischievous, sometimes crazy, sometimes a genius, sometimes he is more stubborn than children, sometimes a very sweet companion, what he is or what he is not I have never been put into words, but I don’t know why I feel when he looks at me that I am beautiful, when he laughs, I feel like dancing, and when he loves me, my eyes fill up with tears of joy, he makes me feel that I have been made for him, and he for me, I love him a lot, not for one day, not for one moment, but for my entire life. I love you Rahul, I love you.)

As I remembered her dialogue, I noticed this time she had said Arjun, I said “I love you too, Karishma!” and opened my eyes. I saw Reshma standing right in front of me with tears in her eyes, she ran to me as I stood up and hugged me tight while sobbing. I asked her, “What’s wrong Reshma, why are you crying?”

“Arjun…” she sobbed more

“What’s wrong, did anyone tell you anything?”

“No, it’s not about me,” her voice was breaking.

“Tell me Reshma, I have a feeling something is wrong today, tell me what’s wrong, who is it about?”

“It’s about Karishma.”

“Karishma? What happened, did her father do something to her?”

“No.”

“Then what Reshma, tell me, don’t test my patience,” I was losing my temper and I said angrily.

“Arjun, Karishma…..Karishma…”

“What about Karishma?” This time, I shook her hard as I said that.

“Karishma has left us, Arjun,” and she sobbed more.

“Left us for where?” I guess I knew what she was trying to say, my heart could feel the pain, my soul felt lonely and deserted, but I still wanted to hear it to believe it.

“Karishma is dead, Arjun!” As she said that, she started weeping inconsolably. I stood there as if my heart had stopped. My breath was motionless. I didn’t know how to react, time had stood still for me and I stood there like a statue which didn’t have any life in it.

“Arjun, are you okay? Why are you not reacting, Arjun? Arjun!” Reshma was trying to bring me to life.

“What time did she die?” I asked her and I guess I knew the answer, because I knew now that my K met me before she left.

“Doctors said 9.15 AM,” Reshma confirmed my belief.

As she said that tears rolled down my eyes and I collapsed to the seat. Karishma had come to meet me just before she died, she wore the white dress that I loved so much, she came to tell me she loved me, she came to hear from me that I loved her so much, she came to keep her head on my shoulders for one last time. Our love was so pure that even when we were physically apart, she met me before going.

“Ohhh, what have I done, what have I done, God?”

“What did you do Arjun?”

“I am the reason for her death, I am sure she has died because of me. Oh God, what have I done,” my whole body was trembling as I said that. Reshma held me tight wiping my tears.

“You did not do anything, Arjun.”

“I did, I killed her.”

“No you didn’t, she has committed suicide.” This was a shock for me.

“What? What did you just say?” My tears stopped flowing.

“Karishma committed suicide; they found a suicide letter next to her dead body. She possibly consumed poison is what the doctors say.”

“She cannot commit suicide, I know her too well for that, I want to see her, and I can’t wait to see my Karishma. She can’t commit suicide.”

I said that and ran as fast as I could; Karishma didn’t stay very far from the college and I started running towards her house, just running, no thoughts crossing my mind. I just had one thought and that was to see her, be with her and hug her. I kept running till I reached her house and climbed the steps to her house. There were a lot of people gathered there and I could hear loud noises of crying coming from inside the house. And then I stopped suddenly as I reached her door, as the realization dawned on me that I was not going to see Karishma alive. I suddenly lost all my strength and collapsed on the door with tears flowing down from my eyes. This must have alerted the people gathered there as they tried to console me; I felt a hand touching my shoulder, and as I looked up it was Jitu bhai, Karishma’s father.

Jitu bhai had tears in his eyes and this time I didn’t feel he was angry at me, he showed sympathy. Did Karishma’s death prove to him that our love was so pure? Did Karishma have to die for this? I felt like telling him that he had killed Karishma. But I couldn’t. I saw a sad father in him that day.. We didn’t talk to each other; there was nothing to talk about. he just held my hand and took me to the place where Karishma’s body had been kept. This was the moment that I was dreading the most. I heard Jitu bhai say, “Jo beta, tara Arjun na lavyo choo, have to khush che ne tu (See my child, I have brought you your Arjun, hope you are happy now),” and as he said that he started sobbing, and was supported by other men from his family. Before I went to Karishma, I touched her mother’s feet, who was sitting closer to her body. How she would have wished now that I was touching her feet as her son in law, rather than a bereaved lover.

I looked at my Karishma, she looked beautiful in her peace. They had dressed her up in the same white dress that she was wearing when she came to meet me for the last time; her hair were flowing and ended on her shoulders, her eyes were shut dreaming about our love possibly; but she wasn’t breathing. Oh! she looked so beautiful as always, I sat down besides her and placed her head in my lap as I stroked her hair, something that we both liked. And although tears were flowing through my eyes non-stop, she passed on her peace to me, possibly from the heavens where she belonged now. I could not understand why she had to take this step, I wish I had spoken to her, and talked her out of it; I wish I had not fought with her a few months back and had just tried to be patient with her; I wish I had not listened to her father’s rules and had broken them; I wish I had not listened to Reshma; I wish I was there with Karishma when she decided to take this step. There were so many thoughts, there were so many wishes, but I was helpless. I couldn’t do anything about it, but to embrace my unfortunate destiny in the arms of Karishma.

At that moment, the police entered the house with the medical staff; they wanted to take Karishma’s body to do the post mortem. I looked at Karishma one last time and said, “I am sorry K, I didn’t try hard enough to keep you alive. I love you my baby and always will, FOREVER.”

The police and the medical staff then took Karishma’s body away, leaving us all weeping our souls out and introspecting what we all could have done and did not do to keep Karishma alive.

The body was returned to us after two days and it was decided to complete the final rites the same day. There was a huge gathering of people who had come to mourn the last journey of Karishma, from relatives to friends to almost the entire college – teachers and students. Karishma was a well-known person in college and was loved by all. Nikhil turned up as well. Every person in that final journey was sad at a beautiful life being cut short and prayed from their hearts that Karishma’s soul rests in peace. The family was inconsolable, I walked with Jitu bhai, his loss was probably much greater than mine. I knew Karishma would have wanted me to support her father and that’s exactly what I did. There were a lot of questions which the police had raised including whether it was a murder or a suicide, but that was to be dealt with later.

Karishma and I loved to sing the happy version of the song Chalte Chalte sung by Kishore Kumar, and I never thought I would be singing the sad version of the song for my love, but the Bollywood in me brought out the song naturally as the final rites were being performed and although Karishma had told me never to sing again, I did sing for her one last time.

Alvida to ant he (Final Goodbye is the End)

Aur ant kisne dekha (And who has seen the End)

Yeh judaai hi, (this separation is)

Milan he jo humne dekha (the eternal meeting which we have seen)

Sapnon me aakar, (Come into my dreams)

Tum yun hi gaate rahna (you keep singing like this)

Kabhi alvida na kehna (Never say Goodbye)

Chalte chalte, mere yeh geet yaad rakhna (While you are going, remember this song from me)

Kabhi alvida na kehna (Never say Goodbye)

And with that, I hugged my K for the last time, kissed her forehead and kept a FOREVER crystal next to her so that she took my love with her; Jitu bhai lit the pyre and sent Karishma to where she belonged – her heavenly abode.

I had a strange feeling of peace even though I was very sad. I felt that Karishma was guarding my soul from above and was giving me the peace and strength to handle the situation. I did not realize at that time that the peace I was feeling then was just the lid on the volcano that my life was going to turn out to be. May be those were the last moments of peace that I was experiencing before the repentance for my sins would start and consume my entire life.

I was shivering as I finished the pages Arjun had given me, there were tears in my eyes and when I looked at Arjun, there were tears in his eyes as well. I just got up and hugged him tight as we both cried together. Not a single word was spoken and there was no need for words. I didn’t know whether to consider myself fortunate to be a part of this great love story or unfortunate as I was feeling so sad about the love story. Arjun started feeling very weak and I made him rest on the bed. God alone knows how many times he would have relived this day in his life.

“How many times are you going to make me cry, Arjun?”

“Kya karoon, aisa hi hoon main to!” (What to do, I am like that only), said a filmy Arjun. “Can I ask for something?” he continued.

“Yes Arjun, you don’t need to ask, you just need to tell me.”

“Give me a hug again, a tight one. This one is for Karishma, when I meet her I will give it to her from you.”

“Any more message for Karishma?” I asked hungry for more.

Arjun dutifully replied. “Karishma - I have spent a life full of repentance and sorrow and missing you and loving you, This is my last poem for you till I come and meet you up there.

Life is not in anyone’s hands

Very unexpectedly it sometimes ends

What remains are memories abound

After your love is buried deep in the ground

Staying with your memories

Is a pain breaking my heart

K you didn’t deserve to go incomplete like this

Wait for your J honey to complete you, I am about to depart.

“Nothing is going to happen to you Arjun, you will be alright,” I told Arjun and gave him a tight hug.

“Thanks so much for everything, Mr Rahul, you have been a great support for me. J & K will always be indebted to you,” we laughed and cried as he said that.

With that smile on his face as my memory, I left enriched once again with stories of true love, which I had earlier read only in stories but had lived it now with Arjun.

Arjun had written a master piece as his last chapter of the book. But I knew that was not the last chapter. There had to be one more chapter as it was still unclear as to why Karishma died, was it a suicide or a murder and if murder, who really murdered her. But it was me and Susan who had finally filed the case and the guilty was punished, but looking at Arjun today, it seemed he had been punished much worse. I knew in my heart that picture abhi baaki he (the picture is still to end).

I had to relive the moments in which Susan and I had reached that conclusion and I penned down a few chapters for the book. It is inevitable that a bit of romance that erupted between Susan and me would find its way into the story.