After a film at the Nova, Hattie and I had coffee at Brunetti’s. I didn’t like their new premises. It was too oversized, impersonal and brightly lit. I knew the owners were trying to capitalise on its popularity, but they had destroyed everything that was good about it in the first place. I couldn’t decide between having a coffee or a hot chocolate, so I ordered a mocha and then regretted my fence-sitting decision immediately.
‘How was your holiday?’ Hattie asked.
‘It was great. MONA is amazing. You have to get over there. And there are some great beaches around Hobart. It was so nice spending some proper family time together,’ I said, but I felt a lump in my throat. I think my eyes must have welled up with tears. I was still fragile.
‘What’s up?’
‘On the last day, we went to Port Arthur, and afterwards, while Luke was paying for some petrol, I happened to check his phone and there was a message there that he’d sent to Suzi, saying he was thinking of her as always.’
‘Oh, crap. So your plan worked?’
Some tears started to drift down my cheeks. Hattie shifted her chair closer to mine, took my hand and softened her tone.
‘But this is what you wanted, yeah?’
‘I know.’
‘What are you going to do, sweetie? Have you confronted him?’
‘Not yet. I’m sitting on it. I’m trying to work out what the best next step is.’
‘What about Jarvis?’
I took a great heaving sigh. ‘He’s gone a bit strange on me. When I got to Hobart, I sent him a short message saying that I would be out of contact for a few days while I was on holiday, that I wanted to spend some time with the family and clear my head a bit. I said that I still loved him. I mean, I was very reassuring and all. I just needed a few days to myself, you know? Anyway, since I’ve gotten back, he’s been so distant. Maybe only a message every two days, and they’ve been so matter-of-fact, so impersonal. I think I really upset him. And it’s such a shit that we only have this way of communicating with each other. I can never really get to the bottom of anything with him. I have to wait hours, even a day sometimes between messages, and then maybe the mood’s changed or he’s just tired, or he’s pissed off about something else . . . I never know what’s going on.’
‘Why don’t you just pick up the phone and call him?’
‘I don’t know why. Yeah, maybe I should. Maybe I should even visit him. Shit, who knows what Luke has been doing? I mean, is the text I saw enough? Or should I wait to discover him in something more incriminating?’
Hattie shifted her eyes around uncertainly. ‘I don’t know. What, like the two of them in bed together or something?’
‘I don’t know either.’ By now I was so confused about everything. ‘I’m so scared now. Max is going to be devastated; I can’t bear to imagine how he’s going to react, the look on his face when we tell him we’re splitting up. This sounds stupid, but I’m starting to panic about all the admin of divorce, all the paperwork, working out who gets what, separating our bank accounts. I can’t be bothered moving out of the house. It all seems so fucking hard.’
‘It is all hard. It takes months to sort out. I felt unsettled for so long after I split up with Brad. But maybe it will be worth it in the long run.’
‘You’re happier now, yeah? After going through all that?’
‘Of course I’m happy. I’d do it all again, if I had to.’
‘I like to hear that. Can you keep reminding me of that? I feel like I’m about to unravel. Can you please remind me again?’
‘Absolutely, I’ll be here to remind you.’
‘You know what? In a way I’m jealous of you. You’re on the other side of your dilemma. You’ve faced your demons and overcome them. I mean, it must have been a huge thing coming out of the closet like that at your age. Maybe I didn’t appreciate what you’ve been through enough. I’m so scared of having to tell people about Luke and I breaking up and getting judged by others. That’s my coming out. Although, I guess, all along, I’ve been wanting to hide behind Luke having a scandal. I’m weaker than you. You’re far braver.’
It was true. I had so much respect for Hattie, she’d handled herself so well through all of her troubles. She’d made it appear uncomplicated, when really — I realised now — it must have been terribly complicated.
‘I wasn’t brave, I just felt like I had no other option. And it was hell. But I think the worst part of it was the fear of disaster, the fear of hurting other people. Once I’d said those words to Brad, and to my family, once they all knew, it got easier. I’ve realised that fear can trap us, but honesty can free us.’
I squeezed Hattie’s hand, appreciating her words of wisdom in this wrecking yard of life.
‘Luisa, why don’t you just come clean to Luke?’
‘I can’t. It’s almost gone beyond that for me. I’m sorry . . . I’m piss weak, I know that. I wish I could be more like you. Please don’t lose respect for me for what I’m doing.’
‘I could never lose respect for you. I’ve been thinking about all of this. I understand that you’re trying to look after everyone’s interests here and cause the least damage. I’m your best friend; I’m here to support you. I just worry about you.’
‘Enough about me already,’ I almost couldn’t bear to talk about it a moment longer. ‘How are things with Tess?’
‘It’s all a dream still. I can’t believe it. It just keeps getting better and better.’ And with that, Hattie whet my appetite for the excitement of a new relationship.