12: THE TRANSFORMING POWER OF GOD’S LOVE

GOD IS A RELATIONAL BEING WHO has existed in the loving community of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit for all eternity. God created you in his image and likeness (Genesis 1:27), which means you are a relational being too, created to live in loving community with God and other people. Because God is relational, the Christ-formation process is also relational. You cannot transform into the image of Christ—nor can you experience the abundant life that is available to you—by yourself.

This emphasis on the human need for relationships goes all the way back to the Garden of Eden. In the account of creation, the only thing that God said was not good was man being alone (Genesis 2:18). It is a well-established fact, both biblical and scientific: Relationships promote life; isolation promotes death. Anthropologists have discovered that regardless of exercise or diet, people who belong to a loving community experience less cancer and heart disease than those who live alone.[1] All life on planet Earth requires relationships in order to thrive. This is true even for rodents.

Rat Park

In the late 1970s, Canadian psychologist Bruce Alexander and his colleagues at Simon Fraser University in British Columbia conducted a study on drug addiction using rats as the subjects. One group of rats was placed alone in a small cage with a device that enabled the rats to ingest small doses of heroin, morphine, amphetamines, cocaine, and other drugs by pushing on a lever. Under normal conditions—that is, without any precipitating shocks or other stress-inducing factors—these isolated rats consumed large quantities of the available drugs and became addicted. The results of this first test seemed to prove that once a rat ingested drugs, consuming more was simply irresistible.

Alexander and his colleagues were not convinced, however. They realized that rats were highly social creatures, so placing them in solitary confinement wasn’t an accurate predictor of their behavior. Alexander writes,

Solitary confinement drives people crazy; if prisoners in solitary have the chance to take mind-numbing drugs, they do. Might isolated rats not need to numb their minds in solitary confinement for the same reason that people do?[2]

Alexander and his team built a large plywood box on the floor in their laboratory and created what can only be described as a rat utopia. They filled the box with wood chips, different-sized boxes and empty cans to explore, wheels to run on, plenty of food and water, and most importantly, a large community of friendly rats. The experiment was called Rat Park.

The scientists discovered that when the Rat Park rodents were given the same opportunity to ingest drugs as the rats in the solitary-confinement group, after tasting the drug, they chose to avoid it. Even more striking was the fact that when they placed the drug-addicted rats who had formerly been in solitary confinement in the Rat Park community, they lost all interest in the drugs, even subjecting themselves to voluntary detox that caused them to shake uncontrollably.

When given the opportunity, rats preferred relationships over drugs. Experiments like Rat Park point to the power of communal living. Relationships promote a quality of life that cannot be experienced in isolation. In fact, research indicates that prolonged periods of loneliness contribute to poor health and, in some cases, can lead to death.

Loneliness and Death

In 1977, James Lynch made an important contribution to the science of love by studying cardiac-death statistics for nonmarried people. Lynch writes,

The mortality statistics for heart disease among those adult Americans who are not married are striking—the death rate from heart disease is as much as two to five times higher for nonmarried individuals, including those who are divorced, widowed, or single, than for married Americans.[3]

Lynch is not alone in his findings that people need loving connection with others. Professor Anthony Walsh of Boise State University argues, “Love is not merely theologically or philosophically desirable but is also a biological and psychological necessity.”[4] Anthropologist Ashley Montagu pointed out the importance of human relationships when he wrote, “Without love there can be no healthy growth or development, no real life.”[5]

Another important discovery in the area of the human need for relationships was made in the 1930s by psychiatrist John Bowlby, who developed a theory on the topic. His attachment theory is defined as the “lasting psychological connectedness between human beings.”[6]

Attachment Theory

Bowlby worked at a child-guidance clinic in London, where he treated children who had emotional disabilities. His research revealed that “major disruptions in the mother-child relationship promote later psychopathology.” In other words, “children experienced intense distress when separated from their mothers, even if they were fed and cared for by others.”[7]

Scientists have also discovered a system in the brain that reveals the need for human connection. Neuroscientist Amir Levine and psychologist Rachel Heller explain,

The need to be near someone special is so important that the brain has a biological mechanism specifically responsible for creating and regulating our connection with our attachment figures (parents, children, and romantic partners). The mechanism, called the attachment system, consists of emotions and behaviors that ensure that we remain safe and protected by staying close to our loved ones.[8]

One extreme example that demonstrates the importance of relational connection was a group of experiments conducted by Harry Harlow and Stephen Suomi using rhesus monkeys. Today, these experiments would be considered cruel and unusual; however, these experiments did provide important findings that challenged the way parents were raising their children at the time. Behaviorism—promoted by John B. Watson and B. F. Skinner—maintained that children did not require affection in order to thrive but only needed the necessities: water, food, clothing, and shelter. Thankfully, Harlow and Suomi’s monkey experiments turned the theory of behaviorism upside down.

In one experiment, Harlow and Suomi placed newborn baby rhesus monkeys in isolation chambers for three-, six-, nine-, and twelve-month periods of time. During their isolation, the monkeys were observed clutching themselves, sitting catatonic in a corner, and rocking back and forth. When these monkeys were finally released into general population with other monkeys, they were fearful and exhibited hostile behavior toward the other primates. The isolated monkeys also exhibited self-mutilating behavior: tearing out hair, scratching and biting their own arms and legs. The monkeys isolated for three months were the least socially affected long term, but those in isolation for twelve months or longer never recovered. Harlow and Suomi concluded that “total social isolation for at least the first 6 months of life enormously damages or destroys subsequent . . . behavioral capabilities.”[9]

Relationships are central to life. General revelation displays that God placed the need for relationships in the DNA of all living creatures. The love that is shared in relationships is required for life. You could say that love is the essential ingredient for all growth.

The brain safeguards the set of beliefs that form our identity in two ways. First, this system operates faster than conscious thought; second, it can only be formed or changed in relationships where we have formed attachment love. This is why beliefs about identity are particularly resistant—they are protected by a shield that requires attachment love before entry.

God’s Love Energizes Christ-Formation

John Lennon was at least partly right when he sang, “All you need is love.”[10] Love is the most powerful force in this world, but to grow and thrive, a particular kind of love is needed. Christ-formation is largely dependent on God’s love—unique because it is unconditional, is always available, and is focused on the best interests of another.

The Greeks defined love using four different words. Storgē referred to love for family. Eros referred to erotic love. Philia referred to brotherly love (specifically, the love you would have for a friend). Agapē was the Greek word most commonly used to refer to God’s love. Throughout the New Testament, the word used to describe God’s love is agapē. Paul’s famous love passage describes it like this:

Love [agapē] is patient and kind; love [agapē] does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love [agapē] bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love [agapē] never ends.

1 CORINTHIANS 13:4-8

Agapē refers to who God is, not just to what he does. John writes that “God is love [agapē]” (1 John 4:8). Therefore, agapē is an expression of God’s nature and the motive behind everything he does. The simple fact is this: God loves people because it is his nature to love.

God distributes agapē as a gift to be received; it cannot be earned in any way. In order to receive it, I must believe that God loves me for who I am in Christ, not what I do for Christ. I must make myself both humble (acknowledging that I am not self-sufficient, that I need God’s love) and vulnerable (opening myself to God’s love, letting it flow into my heart).

The vulnerability required to receive God’s love is especially difficult because it activates the fear of being hurt. Even though fear of being hurt by God is a distortion of the truth, it is often a lie we choose to believe because of the shame we feel as a result of sin.

Conditional versus Unconditional Love

Toxic shame promotes feelings of being unworthy of God’s love. This is true, but not the point. It is impossible to be deserving of God’s love in any way. God loves you simply and only because he chooses to love you; there is no other “good” reason. Human worth is decreed by God and given unconditionally.

This is a difficult concept for us to grasp, because everywhere we turn, our value is based on our performance. I once attended a professional basketball game where Michael Jordan was playing. It was amazing to me that after missing a few jump shots, the adulation of the crowd changed from excitement to disappointment. Even at the height of his career, Michael Jordan was only as good as his last bucket.

I remember when I was preaching every weekend and felt like I was only as good as my last sermon. I pictured people sitting in the seats holding up score cards to tell me how I was doing. To be honest, I don’t remember seeing a lot of 10s. It seems like everything we do is evaluated by our performance. If we do well on an exam, we get an A; if we run fast, we win the race; if we are funny, people tend to like us; if we are attractive, we draw people’s attention. Performance is so consistently reinforced in our world that thinking of being loved by God regardless of how we perform seems unnatural.

That’s why legalism and moralism are so popular in relation to God. Legalism is a sense of merited favor based on obedience to God’s commands; moralism is an attempt to earn God’s love by being good. Both are subtle attempts to be in control. The thought is, If I obey God, then he has to bless me, or If I am good, then God has to love me. Many people hold these beliefs without even realizing it. Just pay attention the next time you ask someone the question, “How are you doing?” If they are doing well, they will most likely say something like the following: “Oh man, I’m too blessed to be stressed. My job is good, my marriage is strong, my kids are doing well in school, Johnny caught the game-winning touchdown at homecoming, and Sally got the lead in her school play.” Do you hear it? The subtle belief here is that the sign of God’s blessing is when things are going well.

It is so easy to fall into the trap and think, If I do this, then God will do that. We might not think it directly, but this understanding is implied: If I’m a good boy or girl, then God will love me. But agapē is unconditional. Agapē is not a prize for performance.

To be loved without conditions is foreign to our human experience. Every act of human love has some string—however thin and seemingly indiscernible—attached. It’s just a part of living in a quid-pro-quo world: Everything is given with the expectation of some kind of a return. There is no worldly equivalent for agapē to help us understand it fully: It is truly supernatural.

And yet, God created the human heart to run on agapē like a high-performance automobile runs on high-octane gasoline. Without agapē, believers cannot mature into their full potential in Christ, nor can they experience the abundant life that he has made available. Without agapē, you can only survive—you can never thrive.

God delivers agapē through two primary relational sources: divine and human. One aspect of the Holy Spirit’s work is to help you internalize God’s agapē. Paul writes, “God’s love [agapē] has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us” (Romans 5:5). This confirming work of the Spirit includes the subjective, emotional sense of being loved by God.[11] As you choose to believe in God’s agapē, you will experience its transforming effects. The assurance of God’s agapē creates a secure attachment with God and a safe place to expose and process painful memories.

Jesus likened this connection using the metaphor of a vine and its branches. Jesus said, “I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit” (John 15:5). New Testament scholar D. A. Carson maintains that the nature of this fruit includes “obedience to Jesus’ commands . . . experience of Jesus’ joy . . . love for one another . . . and witness to the world.”[12] It is through this abiding relationship with Jesus that the Holy Spirit pours the agapē of God into our hearts, which we are then commanded to share with each other: “We love [agapaō] because he first loved [agapaō] us” (1 John 4:19).

Therefore, believers who make up the body of Christ in this world become the conduits through which the agapē of God flows into the world. But what does it look like to love others with God’s agapē? Let me explain how I understand this using the illustration of a waterfall.

Imagine you’re standing under a gushing waterfall and the water flowing over you is the agapē of God. Some of the water will splash onto others who are standing close by. Your agapē for others comes out of the overflow of God’s agapē for you. Therefore, the more you internalize God’s agapē, the more it can flow over you and onto others. Essentially, you become a physical means through which the waters of agapē flow.

This is how we obey the commands to love one another in the New Testament. Almost all of these commands use a form of the word agapē. Consider the following examples (emphasis mine):

I can’t overstate how important it is for our own Christ-formation to internalize the agapē of our heavenly Father through our abiding relationship with Jesus Christ and the confirmation of the Holy Spirit, through which the agapē of God flows. Even Jesus needed to experience the Father’s agapē through the confirmation of the Spirit and his friends. If Jesus needed agapē, how much more do we?

Jesus Was Aware of the Father’s Agapē

The first thing Jesus heard after coming out of the water of his baptism was the Father saying, “This is my dearly loved [agapētos] Son, who brings me great joy” (Matthew 3:17, NLT). Even before Jesus did anything in the way of formal ministry, the Father affirmed him with his unconditional agapē. Jesus made numerous references to his Father’s love. In John 3:35, Jesus said, “The Father loves [agapaō] the Son and has given all things into his hand.” While standing on the Mount of Transfiguration, Jesus—along with Peter, James, and John—heard the Father say, “This is my beloved [agapētos] Son, with whom I am well pleased; listen to him” (Matthew 17:5). Peter references this momentous occasion on the Mount of Transfiguration:

When he received honor and glory from God the Father, and the voice was borne to him by the Majestic Glory, “This is my beloved [agapētos] Son, with whom I am well pleased,” we ourselves heard this very voice borne from heaven, for we were with him on the holy mountain.

2 PETER 1:17-18

Again, Jesus said to his disciples in John 15:9, “As the Father has loved [agapaō] me, so have I loved [agapaō] you.” Jesus’ awareness of the Father’s agapē contributed to his quality of life.

The Transforming Power of Unconditional Love

When you know you are loved—I mean really believe in the core of your being that you belong, that you are wanted, and that you are accepted unconditionally no matter what you’ve done in the past, no matter what you’re struggling with in the present, and no matter what you could ever do in the future—you will begin to experience a very different quality of life. God’s agapē is the most powerful, life-changing force in the universe.

During the many years I was a local church pastor, I delivered dozens of sermons and used countless illustrations to confirm God’s love for the people I served. In addition, I have read the Bible cover to cover many times, I have memorized numerous verses about God’s love, and I even know many of the intricate details of God’s love imbedded in the original languages in the Bible. But when I was terminated from my job as senior pastor, I went into a tailspin of doubt and confusion. Does God really love me? Is God going to provide for me? Today it’s evident to me that much of what I knew about God’s love in my head had not made its way down to my heart. I could bolster others’ confidence in God’s everlasting agapē, constant presence, and unlimited resources to endure all things, but sadly, in the wake of my termination, I wondered if everything I had taught and believed that God could do for others would also be done for me.

A few weeks after my termination, I sat poolside with my wife at a local resort where both of our daughters worked. Because of their employment, we enjoyed the luxurious facilities free of charge. So one afternoon, my wife and I decided to take the day off to read and process by the pool at the Montage, overlooking the ocean. Even though the setting could not have been more beautiful and relaxing, I felt anxious and depressed. I certainly wasn’t experiencing God’s boundless agapē. Instead, I felt like I was drowning in a pool filled with shame and fear. And yet, God was there—as he always is—and he was preparing to remind me of his love in a very dramatic way.

I looked up into the sky and saw the beginning letters of a skywriting message being formed by an airplane. The first letter was “I,” followed by “L-O-V-E,” and then “Y-O-U.” As the pilot prepared to finish the last word, I thought, Oh, that’s nice; some guy is showing his girlfriend or wife how much he loves her by having it written in the sky. But the plane kept skywriting: first a “K,” followed by an “E,” and then—yep, you guessed it—an “N.” The complete phrase read, “I L-O-V-E Y-O-U K-E-N.” I was so startled that I asked my wife to look up to make sure she saw it too.

I don’t know who the Ken guy was, or who the message was from, but as far as I’m concerned, God was telling me how much he loved me by writing it in the sky! Today, when I have moments of doubt about God’s agapē for me, I think back to that day. I will never forget that moment.

Maybe God has never written a message in the sky for you, at least as far as you know. But God is constantly revealing his love and presence to us; we just need to pay more attention.

Experiencing God’s Love through My Senses

God created us with sight, smell, taste, touch, and hearing. Each of these five senses[13] are designed by God to transmit certain information to our brain. For example, Jesus invited Thomas to touch his wounds to stimulate his faith (John 20:27). Human touch releases the hormone oxytocin, which stimulates the feeling of being loved and cared for. “Physical touch increases levels of dopamine and serotonin, two neurotransmitters that help regulate mood and relieve stress and anxiety.”[14] In fact, you could say that Jesus’ ministry was one of touch. In Mark’s Gospel alone, we find six examples: Jesus healed Peter’s mother-in-law as he took her hand and helped her up (Mark 1:31). Jesus healed the leper with a touch (Mark 1:41-42). Jesus raised a girl from the dead after taking her by the hand (Mark 5:41-42). Jesus healed the deaf man who could barely speak by putting his fingers in his ears and touching his tongue (Mark 7:33-35). Jesus healed a blind man with his touch in Mark 8:22-26. After casting a demon out of a boy, “Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him to his feet” (Mark 9:27, NIV). Jesus knew the human need to be touched and the powerful results that follow.

In Romans 1:20, Paul reminds us that we experience qualities of God’s divine nature through creation. David said, “Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good!” (Psalm 34:8). Moses saw the angel of the Lord in flames of fire from a burning bush (Exodus 3:2), and David saw the glory of God as he looked to the sky (Psalm 19:1). God is ever present, and we see his fingerprints all over creation.

I experience God’s loving presence during a sunset, when I look into the night sky at my friend’s Montana ranch and see the Milky Way, or when I look into the eyes of my beautiful wife, whom God gave to me thirty-four years ago. I hear God’s love in the chirping of a bird as I sit in my backyard, or as the waves crash on the beach, or through the sounds of a rushing river or the wind blowing through the trees. I smell God’s love as I cut the roses in my garden or breathe in the smell of salt air at the beach. I taste God’s love when I eat vanilla ice cream or my favorite carrot cake baked by our dear friend. I touch God’s love when I plant flowers or work on a carpentry project. In all these things, I am interacting with God’s creation, paying attention to his glory in all that he has made.

This might sound a bit sentimental, but I think it’s a practical way to put Philippians 4:8 into practice: “Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise” (NLT). I want to consecrate these emotionally resonant experiences so that my brain associates them with the loving care and presence of God. What would it look like for you to do the same? How do you experience God’s love and presence through your senses? In a very real way, our senses become portals through which the Holy Spirit can pour God’s agapē into our hearts.

My wife and I have spent a lot of time meditating on Ephesians 3:14-19. We have both committed it to memory, and I review it often throughout the day:

For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.

I am especially drawn to the words “to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge.” The Greek word Paul uses for “know” is ginōskō, which refers to both a cognitive and an experiential knowledge of God through our senses.[15] You can know all about the linguistic nuances of God’s love in Scripture, you can even memorize every verse that refers to God’s love, but if you don’t experience it, through your senses or in your relationships with other believers, you will struggle to know God’s love and experience his presence in a personal and intimate way.

In order for God’s love to make a transforming difference in your life, you need both facts and feelings. For example, it is a fact that God the Father loves you in the same way and to the same degree that he loves Jesus, his Son. Please read that sentence again. Let it soak into the deep places of your heart. What feelings does it evoke for you? Will you believe it, that God loves you as much as he loves Jesus? It’s a truth that will deeply impact your quality of life.

Does God Really Love Me?

When Jesus was praying for his disciples in John 17, he stated clearly that the Father loves every believer in the same way and to the same degree that he loves the Son: “I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me. . . . I made known to them your name, and I will continue to make it known, that the love with which you have loved me may be in them, and I in them” (John 17:23, 26, emphasis added). As you read those words, I want you to hear Jesus saying to you, “My Father loves [insert your name] as much as he loves me.” That statement should absolutely blow you away!

Two New Testament scholars whom I greatly respect, Craig Keener and D. A. Carson, seem to be blown away by Jesus’ words here in John 17 too. Keener (we read this earlier) writes, “That the Father loved Jesus’ disciples ‘even as’ he loved Jesus is one of the most remarkable statements of the Gospel, given the enormity of God’s love for his uniquely obedient Son.”[16] D. A. Carson agrees:

The thought is breathtakingly extravagant. . . . that Christians themselves have been caught up into the love of the Father for the Son, secure and content and fulfilled because loved by the Almighty himself, with the very same love he reserves for his Son.[17]

These two scholars know the Bible inside and out, and they are blown away by the extravagant love of God.

There is even more evidence of the Father’s love for you than this. God’s agapē is both constant and consistent. In other words, God’s love for you never changes; he loves you as much in this moment as he will ever love you. No matter what you do as a believer, nothing can separate you from the love of God in Christ. Paul writes,

I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

ROMANS 8:38-39, NLT

I am struck by how emphatic Paul is about God’s love for us. And yet, my experience is that in spite of these unequivocal biblical statements, God’s love is still abstract for many people. Is that true for you? Is it difficult for you to experience how much God really loves you? If it is, I want you to know that at times it is so for many believers, even for someone as renowned as Dwight L. Moody.

D. L. Moody is considered by many to be one of the greatest evangelists of the nineteenth century. One Sunday in 1868, Moody asked a man named Henry Moorhouse to preach in his place while he was away on a trip. Moorhouse had a dramatic conversion to Christ in 1861 after hearing the story of the Prodigal Son. Those who knew Moorhouse before his conversion said that he had a history of drinking, gambling, and a violent temper and that he carried a gun not to defend himself but to end his own life at some point because he was so unhappy.[18]

After Moorhouse heard about the Father’s love for the Prodigal Son, he was convinced that God could love him, too. This deep conviction of God’s love compelled him to preach on it whenever he had the opportunity, as he did that day at Moody’s church.

When Moody returned home the following week, he asked his wife, Emma, how she liked Moorhouse’s sermon. She replied, “I liked it very much, but he preaches a little differently than you do.”

“How is that?” Moody inquired.

Emma replied, “He tells the worst sinners that God loves them.”

Moody quickly responded, “Well then, he is wrong.”

The following Sunday, Moody asked Moorhouse to preach again so he could hear for himself what Moorhouse had to say about God’s love. Biographer John Pollock wrote about Moody’s reaction:

Moorhouse announced his text: “John 3:16: God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” Instead of dividing the text into firstly, secondly, thirdly in ministerial manner, Moorhouse, Moody noted, “went from Genesis to Revelation giving proof that God loves the sinner, and before he got through, two or three of my sermons were spoiled.” Moody’s teaching that it was the sinner God hates, the sinner as well as the sin, lay shattered at his feet. “I never knew up to that time that God loves us so much. This heart of mine began to thaw out: I could not keep back the tears.”[19]

If you have ever doubted that God’s love for you is constant and consistent, you’re not alone. But like Moody, you have the opportunity to discard the lies you believe about God’s love and embrace the truth, the truth that God loves you with the same love that he has for Jesus Christ, his Son. And the more you choose to live out of the reality of God’s agapē for you, the more you will experience the abundant life that Jesus has made available.

Agapē energizes the Christ-formation process and makes a greater experience of the abundant life possible. But what exactly is God’s love, and how does it differ from human love?

The Nature of God’s Love

You can survive on human love, but you can only thrive on God’s love, because agapē and human love are two very different things.

Imagine God’s love like various grades of gasoline. When you fill up your car at the gas station, you usually have three grades of unleaded fuel available at the pump. Each grade contains a different percentage of octane. For example, regular unleaded gas is rated at 87 octane, midgrade unleaded gas has 89 octane, and premium unleaded gas has an octane level between 91 and 93. All three types of gasoline will work in your car, but if you drive a new car or a sports car with a high-performance engine, you should use higher-octane fuel so that your car will run at maximum capacity. If you use a lower-octane fuel in a high-performance engine, you will hear a knocking sound in the engine when you accelerate. This knocking is the result of gas burning out of synch with your engine’s timing. If allowed to persist, this can damage the engine.

Similarly to different grades of fuel, God’s love and human love produce different results. God created the human heart to run on his love, high-octane agapē. And one way to experience the agapē of God is through relationships with the people of God, in the body of Christ.

Relationships with other believers who give us safe feedback can help us resolve the spiritual/emotional conflicts that hinder Christ-formation. Believers are uniquely able—through the indwelling presence and power of the Holy Spirit—to be ambassadors of Christ (2 Corinthians 5:20) and conduits of God’s love (John 13:35). “Safe” feedback facilitates attunement—the feelings of being seen, heard, understood, and cared for. You know you have received safe feedback when you feel less fearful and alone and more secure and confident.

I have seen firsthand how healing safe feedback can be. After I gave a message at a men’s retreat about the spiritual/emotional growth that often follows when we share our pain with others, something incredible happened to a man named Kevin.[20]

Kevin was a senior corpsman in the United States Navy, part of the first group to enter Iraq during the Iraq War in 2003. Kevin and his battalion were engaged in heavy combat for days on end, resulting in many casualties. At one point during the war, Kevin and his medical team were given an assignment to exhume shallow graves in search of Americans. As the senior NCO, Kevin didn’t want to expose his men to this horrific task, so he did the work alone. The task traumatized Kevin to the extent that he lost his ability to taste and smell. This condition continued for years—until he attended the men’s retreat.

The men at the retreat were ambassadors of Christ to Kevin, providing a safe place to be real about his traumatic experiences without fear of being judged, criticized, rejected, or abandoned. And the results were amazing. While he was walking through the woods—having some alone time with God—suddenly, he could smell the pine trees. Then at dinner, he was able to taste his food. It was a miracle! Later that evening, Kevin shared his story with the men, and we rejoiced together for what God had done. There wasn’t a dry eye in the place.

Since then, Kevin and I have become good friends. I can assure you his sense of smell and taste are fully functioning.

Kevin’s story reminds me of Paul’s words: “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2, NIV). The law of Christ is to love each other as Jesus has loved us: sacrificially and unconditionally. One way to show this love is to make time to listen to others’ painful stories and provide safe feedback.

Something powerful happens to our thought process when we share our stories of pain with people who give us safe feedback. Psychiatrist Curt Thompson explains,

You construct your understanding of the world and your place in it through the lens of your own story. And the manner and context in which you reflect on your story (in your mind) or tell your story (to others) become part of the fabric of the narrative itself. In other words, the process of reflecting on and telling others your story, and the way you experience others hearing it, actually shapes the story and the very neural correlates, or networks, it represents.[21]

When we share our painful stories with others, the safe feedback they give us can actually change how we understand those experiences. If the person responds with empathy, compassion, and acceptance, we feel loved and the shame and distorted thinking associated with it begins to dissipate. Shame is perpetuated by secrecy, but once we share it with others who give us safe feedback, a healing process ensues, mitigating the shame and promoting new understanding. This is what happened with Kevin. After receiving safe feedback from me and the other men at the retreat, he was free to embrace a new understanding of his traumatic experience and thereby a new perspective that promoted a very different quality of life.

Kevin’s story is not an isolated event. Over the last thirty years as a pastor, I have had the privilege to give safe feedback to many people, helping them find freedom from great burdens of emotional pain and shame. Through these experiences with others, I have seen firsthand the transforming power of agapē.

Restoring My Soul with God

In their book How We Love,[22] authors Milan and Kay Yerkovich offer a practical guide to understanding and applying attachment theory. The book is tailored to marital relationships, but the principles throughout are easily applied to other relationships as well. Milan and Kay provide a free online survey that helps you identify your prominent attachment style and offers helpful strategies for growth (https://howwelove.com/love-style-quiz/). For this exercise, take the “Love Style Quiz” and work through the growth process Milan and Kay suggest. If you are married, I encourage you to have your spouse take the quiz, too, and discuss your findings together.

Restoring My Soul with Others

  1. Why must the process of Christ-formation be relational? Isn’t our relationship with God enough?
  2. Why is loneliness so dangerous?
  3. Do you think it is difficult for people to receive God’s love unconditionally? Explain.
  4. How could the analogy of the vine and the branches (John 15) illustrate the Christ-formation process? What does it mean to abide in Jesus, and what fruit is the result of doing so?
  5. Does producing fruit require direct effort on your part, or is it only the work of the Holy Spirit? Discuss.
  6. Reflect on the skywriting story. How has God communicated his love for you? What aspects in creation remind you of God’s love and presence?
  7. Think of a recent experience of receiving safe feedback from a trusted friend. How did their feedback help you? What did it change? In what ways did they respond that were helpful?
  8. Describe what you would do to offer safe feedback to a friend.