14: SPIRITUAL DISCIPLINES TO HEAL THE HEART

THROUGHOUT THIS BOOK, we have identified spiritual/emotional conflicts as distorted beliefs about God, self, and others. These distortions promote toxic emotions, including shame, fear, anger, sadness, hopeless despair, and disgust. In order to resolve these emotional conflicts, we must replace the lies that promote hurt and shame with the truth about God and our identity in Christ. This is done in partnership with the Holy Spirit and in relationships with others we trust to give us safe feedback. The grace-sustained spiritual disciplines that help heal the heart include solitude, prayer, silence, and confession.

Solitude: Time Alone with God

In solitude, we invite the Holy Spirit to examine our hearts. Henri Nouwen describes solitude as the “furnace of transformation” because while in solitude, we are better able to give God our full attention.[1] You can find solitude by walking in the park, along the beach, or around the block. I can even experience solitude sitting quietly in my backyard. When making space for solitude, the most important thing to keep in mind is finding a place as free of distractions as possible.

Times of solitude provide the opportunity to invite the Holy Spirit to expose any hurts in our hearts that need to be identified and processed. Spiritual director Adele Calhoun explains,

When no one is there to watch, judge and interpret what we say, the Spirit often brings us face to face with hidden motives and compulsions. . . .

Alone, without distractions, we put ourselves in a place where God can reveal things to us that we might not notice in the normal preoccupations of life.[2]

No matter how many years have passed, God remembers all our hurts and understands our pain. David writes, “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book” (Psalm 56:8, NLT). It’s comforting to know not only how much God really cares but also how much he wants to heal my wounded heart (Psalm 147:3). Emotional pain must be exposed in order to be processed; that’s why we need to find a quiet place, free of distractions, where we attune to God.

Prayer: Listening to God

Years ago, I was taught to pray according to the acronym ACTS (adoration, confession, thanksgiving, and supplication). Adoration includes praising God for who he is in his nature and character. Confession involves bringing any known sin to God and asking for his forgiveness. Thanksgiving is taking time to express my gratitude to God for specific things he has done or is doing in my life. Supplication is making my request(s) known to God.

While I think ACTS as a model for prayer is fine, it seems to be missing a vital ingredient: to listen. In order to have a conversation with a person, including God, both parties need to be sharing and listening. Prayer is a dialogue between you and God, not a monologue. Therefore, in prayer, you need to listen to God speak to you.

Sometimes I need to listen for God’s discipline or direction in my life. At other times, I need God to reveal hurt or hurtful ways in me that need to be confessed. And many times, I need to hear God say, “Ken, I love you, and I am so glad to spend this time with you.” Consider David’s prayer in Psalm 139:23-24 as a model: “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me” (NIV). David was asking God to reveal anything in his heart that might negatively affect his relationship with God or others. This is a powerful process that can bring greater awareness of what is going on in the deep places in my heart as well as a prayer to become more aware of God’s presence. Many times, while in solitude, God has revealed a hurt that I was avoiding but he wanted to process with me. I have witnessed God’s loving presence in times of solitude both in my own life and in the lives of others.

Since 2011, I have been on a team that leads small cohorts of men through a five-day discipleship experience called the Trinity Encounter hosted at Trinity Ranch in Montana. Trinity Ranch is a two thousand-acre working cattle ranch, featuring lush fields of alfalfa, acres of towering pine trees, and local wildlife (including deer, elk, eagles, and the occasional sighting of a scrawny black bear): It is a western paradise. The ranch is far removed from “civilization” and the normal distractions of urban life. There’s no Starbucks, In-N-Out Burger, or 5-star hotel, but the accommodations are excellent and the food is great. Daily routine includes teaching sessions, small-group time, and numerous opportunities to be alone with God, surrounded by the beauty of his creation. Throughout the week, we encourage the men to invite the Holy Spirit to examine their hearts to reveal any “anxious thoughts” or “offensive way[s].”

Over the years, I have witnessed hundreds of men experience a personal and intimate encounter with God. Some of them, for the first time in a long time, slowed down enough to hear the “gentle whisper” of the Spirit (1 Kings 19:12, NIV). Many find freedom from shame that has bogged them down for years as they process past hurt and confess sin. It’s not that these men needed to come to Montana to find God—God is always near—but that God called them to Montana to make space for him to work.

Silence: Listening for God to Speak

In order to better hear the voice of God, we need to be as free from distractions as possible. I believe God is always speaking to us, but we are not always listening. Silence gives us the time to dial our hearts to the frequency of God’s voice.

Sometimes God will speak to you by bringing to mind a memory of a hurtful event that you have not thought about in years. He might even bring to mind a person who hurt you. At other times, God may speak to you through a verse of Scripture or remind you of a story from the Bible. When you are waiting for God to speak, the important thing is to be quiet and wait.

A few years ago, I fell and broke my wrist; it was a painful and difficult ordeal. I broke my wrist on a Friday, and my doctor recommended immediate surgery. I was scheduled to leave for a Trinity Encounter on Sunday, however, so I told my doctor that the surgery would have to wait. My doctor said the tendons in my arm would begin pulling my wrist bones farther apart, making for a much more difficult surgery. I told him I understood but respectfully refused and asked him to put my arm in a cast. There was no way I was going to miss a Trinity Encounter to be a part of what God was going to do in the lives of men that week. I promised my doctor that I would schedule surgery immediately upon my return. He reluctantly agreed and put my arm in a cast. The pain was tolerable, but the cast made life incredibly inconvenient.

When I arrived at the airport on Sunday morning to catch my flight for Montana, I stood in line at Starbucks to buy coffee, which is a normal part of my traveling routine. I had forgotten that I only had one working hand, so I couldn’t hold my coffee and pull my carry-on-bag at the same time. A stranger, seeing my predicament, asked if he could carry my coffee to my gate. I was embarrassed but accepted his offer.

After I boarded the plane, I was faced with another dilemma: How do I put my heavy carry-on bag in the overhead bin with one hand? As I stood there trying to figure out what to do, another good Samaritan offered to help. Again, I swallowed my pride and accepted. To be honest, I was surprised that two complete strangers would be so quick to offer unsolicited help; it almost restored my lost confidence in humanity.

The rest of my trip was uneventful—until I woke up the next morning. When I got out of bed and started to dress myself, I realized there were some things I could not do alone. I couldn’t tie my shoes, buckle my belt, or put on my watch (don’t laugh; you try doing all that with one hand). I had to face the fact that I was going to need to ask for help the entire week. Thankfully, one of the other pastors I was sharing a house with was a close friend and was more than willing to help me do those things I couldn’t do by myself. (I never got over the humiliation I felt when he buckled my belt!)

You might have picked up on the fact that I have a problem asking other people for help. I love helping others, but I’m resistant to letting other people help me. Later that week, during some time alone with God in solitude, prayer, and silence, I asked him to show me what was behind my resistance. Was it pride? Did asking for help make me feel weak and vulnerable? Was it a control issue on my part?

I was fully expecting God to say sternly, “all the above,” but as I sat quietly and listened, a phrase came to mind: “Nothing is wasted.” As I pondered those words and asked God for insight, I began to realize that he was giving me the opportunity—with my broken wrist—to make myself vulnerable and face my fear of rejection by asking others for help.

This was a good lesson and a growth opportunity for me. To this day, I end every email with my name and the phrase the Lord gave me that day: “Nothing is wasted.” I can’t tell you how many times, over the last few years, people have asked me to explain the story behind that simple phrase. God has used it—time and again—to help people remember that he is in control of everything and can use anything—even a broken wrist—to bring about his glory and our good.

I wonder if God would have spoken to me in the same way if I had never taken that time to be alone with him. I think he would have, but I’m not so sure I would have heard him. Regardless, I believe that the Holy Spirit worked through my pain and a time of solitude, prayer, and silence to continue the work of my Christ-formation.

The Holy Spirit is always ready, willing, and able to meet you where you are. You don’t have to travel to Trinity Ranch to have an encounter with God. But if you want to join us, we would love to have you. Time alone with God in solitude, listening prayer, and silence creates a rich environment for Christ-formation.

Confession: Sharing My Hurts with Others

The final spiritual discipline for healing the heart is confession. In my experience, most people think of confession as agreeing with God that what we did was wrong and asking for his forgiveness. John writes, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). This is an accurate understanding of confession, but like grace, this spiritual discipline includes so much more. We are to confess our sin, but we are also to confess our emotional pain.

James urges all believers to pay attention to the suffering of others within the body of Christ: “Is anyone among you suffering?” (James 5:13). The Greek word for “suffering” is kakopatheō, which can refer to either physical or emotional pain. New Testament scholar D. Edmond Hiebert explained the dual meaning of this Greek word when he wrote,

The term means primarily to endure hardship, to experience some misfortune or calamity. Such suffering what is bad need not be limited to physical suffering; it is a general term that may include trouble and distress as well as sickness.[3]

It’s not a stretch to apply this suffering to emotional pain. Bible commentators John Walvoord and Roy Zuck write, “A mutual concern for one another is the way to combat discouragement and downfall. The cure is in personal confession and prayerful concern. The healing is not bodily healing but healing of the soul.”[4] Therefore, we can expand confession to be part of the process to resolve the emotional pain that hinders Christ-formation. First, you identify the hurt by listening to God in solitude, prayer, and silence, and then you share (confess) it to others, ideally another believer, who will be an ambassador of Christ to you by offering safe feedback. Paul exhorts believers to “weep with those who weep” (Romans 12:15) and “encourage one another and build one another up” (1 Thessalonians 5:11). This emotional support is a practical way to “carry each other’s burdens” (Galatians 6:2, NIV). The Holy Spirit works through human agency to provide the necessary emotional support we need to process the hurts of life.

The specific act of confession that I am referring to for this process involves sharing the circumstances surrounding the painful experience, including the details of what happened, your age at the time of the event, who was involved, and the difficulties it created for you. The goal is not to fix blame or to cause further trauma but to identify and share everything you can remember. Sharing your story like this with a trusted friend opens the door to the grieving process that is essential for resolving the spiritual/emotional conflicts that hinder Christ-formation.

The process of confession sounds simple and straightforward, but it takes courage to ask for help and support from someone else. It is a difficult process but yields substantial results as it helps remove barriers that hinder Christ-formation.

Spiritual Disciplines Help Heal Your Pain

The spiritual disciplines we’ve discussed so far in this book are not the only ones that can help facilitate the process of Christ-formation, but they are essential and will provide a good place for you to begin as you partner with the Holy Spirit and others to help heal your pain.

The final grace-sustained spiritual discipline that furthers healing and the process of Christ-formation is forgiveness. In order to become more like Jesus, we must learn how to forgive others for the hurt they have caused. Hanging on to the hurt only creates resentment and bitterness that poisons the soul.

In the next chapter, I will discuss the essential role of forgiveness in the process of resolving spiritual/emotional conflicts that hinder Christ-formation and the greater experience of the abundant life.

Restoring My Soul with God

For the next five days, I want to invite you to spend three 5-minute blocks of time each day to practice solitude, silence, and listening prayer. Think of this as a spiritual workout and the disciplines as exercises. Paul wrote to Timothy, his young apprentice, “Spend your time and energy in the exercise of keeping spiritually fit. Bodily exercise is all right, but spiritual exercise is much more important and is a tonic for all you do” (1 Timothy 4:7-8, TLB).

  1. Find a quiet place where you will not be disturbed. Take out a piece of paper. Acknowledge to Jesus that you know he is sitting next to you and pray, “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me” (Psalm 139:23-24, NIV).
  2. Set a timer for five minutes. Ask Jesus to speak to you. Write down whatever comes to mind, resisting the temptation to judge your thoughts. If you are having difficulty, tell Jesus this is hard and ask him to bring to mind things that he wants to say to you.
  3. Reset the timer for five minutes. Test what you wrote down against your knowledge of Scripture. For example, if you heard Jesus say, “I’m so frustrated and disappointed in you; you keep falling into the same sin over and over again. When are you going to stop sinning and follow me?” you know that is not God speaking to you. Scripture says, “There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1), and to Moses, God revealed himself as “The LORD, the LORD, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness” (Exodus 34:6). You can also use the Bible to confirm what Jesus said to you. For example, if you heard Jesus say, “I know you struggle with the same sin again and again. And I want you to know I see the struggle in your heart (Psalm 44:21) and I will forgive your sincere repentance (Psalm 51:17; 1 John 1:9) again and again (Matthew 18:21-22). Focus on following me, and I will help you with your sin,” you can trust these messages because they are affirmed in the Bible.
  4. Reset the timer for five minutes. Thank Jesus for speaking to your heart. Ask him how he wants you to apply his words to your life today. Pay attention to his response.

On the sixth day, share something Jesus said to you with a trusted friend who can offer you safe feedback. When sharing, be specific about what God said, how you heard him say it (e.g., tenderly, with compassion, etc.), any Scripture that came to mind to confirm his word, and how what he said made you feel.

Restoring My Soul with Others

  1. If you feel comfortable, share with your group your experience with the five-day “Restoring My Soul with God” exercises.
  2. What details from this chapter caught your attention?
  3. Is it difficult for you to be alone with God? Where do you feel most comfortable spending time with God?
  4. What is the most common way you pray? How could you add time to that to listen to what God wants to say back to you? Do you believe that “prayer is a dialogue between you and God, not a monologue”? Discuss.
  5. What is the most effective way to test if it is God speaking to your heart?
  6. How would you explain why it’s important to spend time alone with God?