Sabine was lost, had never been in this part of the city before, and she had no idea what to do next. She continued walking, with Ellen holding her hand. Straight ahead. Not looking left or right. Walking, walking, walking. They crossed craters in the street, upended tram rails, rubble, but they didn’t stop until Sabine recognized the restaurant where she’d been with Lily so many weeks ago.
At least now she had an idea how to get home from here. But the moment this thought crossed her mind, she remembered that her home didn’t exist anymore. And she couldn’t return to the Klausen apartment either, not with Ellen.
She’d just made a monumental decision. A watershed moment. And by choosing good over evil, she’d backed herself into a corner.
Glancing at her wristwatch she estimated that if she didn’t show up with Ellen at the Zoologischer Garten within fifteen minutes, the Gestapo would know something had gone wrong. They’d kill Werner, hunt her down… Ellen’s small hand squeezed hers as if the girl had read her thoughts and looked at her with big, knowing eyes. “Something went wrong, didn’t it?”
Tears threatened to spill from Sabine’s eyes, but she willed them away. Not even in her lowest moment without any sliver of hope left would she let Ellen see that she was hanging on by a thread.
To sanity. To breath.
To hope.
“I’ll fix it,” Sabine said, not exactly sure how she’d be able to do this. But she could try. The one thing she knew was she couldn’t hand over this innocent child to the Gestapo. Not even to save Werner.
She stopped, clamping her eyes shut. How could she choose between the two lives? How could she decide which life held more value? This shouldn’t be happening. When had the Universe decided that she should hold the fate of two people in the palm of her hand? That she should be judge, and executioner?
Her mind raced. Werner would never forgive her for sacrificing an innocent child. After all their years together, she knew that for sure. I’ll keep Ellen safe. No matter the cost.
But where could they go from here? The only trustworthy person who came to her mind was Pfarrer Bernau. It was a risk, but he’d know what to do. Yes, he would know.
“Come on,” she said to Ellen, “we’re going to see a friend for help.”
They took a tram and then a bus and forty-five minutes later Sabine knocked at Pfarrer Bernau’s door.
“Frau Mahler, what are you doing here with the girl?” Pfarrer Bernau hissed, his eyes wide with shock. He quickly pulled them both inside, locked the door and said, “You shouldn’t have come here. What happened?”
“I’m sorry, but we needed a safe—”
He cut her off with a wave of his hand. “You’re not safe with me here, and now, I’m not safe here, either. Were you followed?”
Sabine shook her head, feeling a new wave of guilt rush forward, threatening to overwhelm her again. When would it end? The horrific tornado of emotions that swirled around in her head?
“Wait here,” the priest said to Sabine and disappeared with Ellen through a tiny connecting door to the church.
Sabine paced the room, waiting for Pfarrer Bernau to return, biting her lips and praying to God. Surely He would work a miracle and keep Ellen and the priest safe. When the connecting door opened again ten minutes later, she took one look at the worry on his face and broke down in tears.
“I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
Pfarrer Bernau wrapped an arm around her shoulders and guided her to a small bench. “Tell me what happened.”
She didn’t need more encouragement, and the entire story since Lily had approached her with the offer spilled forth. “Kriminalkommissar Becker promised to spare my husband’s life in exchange for spying on Frau Klausen and delivering him the heads of the organization. I told him about the handover tonight, but then I couldn’t do it,” Sabine sobbed. “I’m such a horrible person.”
Pfarrer Bernau shook his head. “War has the ability to make saints into monsters. You did the right thing when it mattered most. Don’t forget that. You saved Ellen’s life today.”
“But I probably killed my husband in the process and brought the Gestapo down on you and whoever else is involved.”
Despite the obvious worry on his face, Pfarrer Bernau talked to her in soothing words and offered her a glass of water. While she drank he made a telephone call and shortly after, someone knocked at the door.
Sabine couldn’t see the person; she only heard a female voice murmuring with the priest. From what she could glean, he tasked the woman with retrieving Ellen from the church and getting her to another safehouse.
The priest returned to his office and said, “Ellen will be safe. And you have to leave now as well.”
“No! They’ll be looking for me…”
“You have to go back.”
“I can’t. I won’t,” Sabine clasped her hands to the desk, as if he were physically pushing her from the room.
“It’s the only way. You need to buy us some time to get Ellen out of the city and on her way to safety.”
“But what do I tell them?” Sabine asked, suddenly not so sure anymore that she’d done the right thing. “I really don’t want to end up in one of their torture cells.”
A sad smile appeared on Pfarrer Bernau’s face. “That is everyone’s worst nightmare. But believe me, the more normal you act, the better your chances are. Go home. Telephone Becker and tell him that something went wrong.”
“I don’t think I can pull that off. I can’t keep lying. Can’t you see that it’s killing me inside?”
“Frau Mahler, I don’t see another choice. Sometimes a lie is the lesser of two evils. You saved Ellen once today, don’t let it be for naught.” The priest looked at her with quiet confidence and then added, “God will help you. Now go.”
Sabine nodded, took a bracing breath and slipped through the connecting door into the church. She planned to find a pay phone and call Lily to tell her about the change of course. But when she passed a working telephone booth about halfway to the Klausens’ apartment, she thought of a much better idea.
One that hopefully would keep both her and Werner alive for another day. She picked up her pace and took the underground to Gestapo headquarters.