17 
Difficult Thoughts About the Future

Two mornings after Lieutenant Langham’s departure, Jocelyn awoke to strange sounds above her in the house. Her first thought was a reminder of George. As her brain made its rapid journey from sleep to wakefulness, she found herself wondering if his ghost had returned to carry out the explorations of the house he had been unable to complete before.

Gradually she came to herself, then rose, put on her dressing gown, and went to investigate. Almost directly above her own bedroom she found Betsy rummaging about on the third floor.

“Betsy dear, what are you doing?” she asked.

“Just exploring,” replied the girl enthusiastically. “The house is so huge. I never knew houses were so big in all the world. Catharine said it would be all right.”

“Yes, that’s fine,” nodded Jocelyn, smiling to herself in humorous though poignant disappointment that it had not been George whom she had discovered. “You may go into any room that is unlocked. Only leave things as they are.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

On her way downstairs, Jocelyn glanced through the window and saw Amanda outside walking. She paused and now saw Catharine come bounding out of the house as well. The morning was windy, and in the distance clouds appeared to be approaching at the front of a storm. After a moment, Jocelyn continued down to the ground floor and outside to join them.

Amanda had awoken early. After an hour with her Bible, retracing many now familiar scriptures for insights she might have missed, she had gone out into the frenetic morning. Lieutenant Langham’s visit had stirred many thoughts—both happy and sad, both new and old—and she had been restless ever since his leaving. She left the house, enjoying the blustery summer tumult.

She had scarcely been out of the house five minutes when she heard footsteps running up behind her. She turned to meet them.

“Catharine!” she exclaimed. “Good morning—you’re up early!”

“So are you. Thinking of Terrill?”

“Terrill!” laughed Amanda. “You are on a first-name basis so soon?”

“Only to myself. I so love it when he calls me Miss Catharine,” she giggled.

“You’re as bad as a silly schoolgirl! Why do you say that?”

“I don’t know. It just sounds funny, so old-fashioned and formal. What does he call you?”

“Miss Rutherford, I suppose, now that I think about it.”

They walked on a few steps.

“I saw you and him alone in the heather garden the other evening,” said Catharine in a teasing tone. “With your hand through his arm, you looked very . . .”

She allowed her voice to trail off significantly. Her intended meaning was not lost on Amanda.

“What are you suggesting, Catharine?” said Amanda, glancing toward her sister.

“Only that he is very handsome, and that despite whatever he said to Mother about Mr. Churchill and the war and all that, he obviously came out here to see you.”

“To . . . see me?”

“You know what I mean, Amanda. You must know that he likes you.”

“You’re not actually thinking—” she began, then paused briefly and looked at Catharine in disbelief. “—Catharine, I’m married,” she said. “Much as I would like to forget that fact, I cannot.”

“Perhaps you won’t be forever,” persisted Catharine with a coy smile. “And he is handsome.”

“There is nothing between Lieutenant Langham and me,” insisted Amanda good-naturedly but firmly. “I cannot imagine you would even think it.”

Just then Jocelyn walked up behind them.

“I agree with you, Catharine,” she said. “The lieutenant is indeed a handsome young man. In a way, he reminds me of your father when he was young—dashing, friendly, courteous, full of hopes and plans. No wonder I fell in love with him—Charles, I mean,” she added laughing. “If anyone’s going to fall in love with Lieutenant Langham, I’m afraid it will have to be one of you!”

Amanda said nothing. Catharine realized she had disturbed her sister’s tranquility. She now turned back for the house so that the other two could be alone.

“Well, I’m going back inside,” she said and ran off.

Jocelyn and Amanda continued on some minutes in silence until they were well away from the Hall.

“That’s just the trouble, Mother,” said Amanda at length in a more serious tone.

“What’s the trouble, dear?” asked Jocelyn.

“Catharine was teasing me about Lieutenant Langham. She thought he was paying me some kind of romantic social call. I know she meant nothing by it, but it made me uncomfortable.”

“You don’t think he was?”

“Of course not,” rejoined Amanda. “When we went out walking, remember, after tea, it was only so that he could tell me about Ramsay. I am certain he knows I’m married. I can’t exactly remember if he heard when Ramsay told everyone—I think he was outside somewhere. But why else would he come all this way to inform me about him?”

“I don’t know, dear. He does seem very fond of you.”

“But I am married, Mother.” Amanda paused briefly. “Sometimes I just don’t know what I am going to do!” she burst out after a moment.

Again it was silent for several pensive seconds.

“Have you considered a divorce?” asked Jocelyn.

“Of course I have thought about it,” replied Amanda. “How could I not? The thought of what to do is with me constantly. But—”

“What is it, dear?” asked Jocelyn.

“I don’t know if divorce is right. And I couldn’t face having to locate Ramsay to sign papers. I don’t ever want to see him or have anything to do with him again.”

“Why don’t you talk to Vicar Coleridge?”

“I hardly know him, Mother.”

“He is a very nice man. Sometimes it helps to get an outside opinion on such things.”

“But I don’t want someone’s opinion. I want to know what is right. There are right opinions and wrong ones.”

“Your father was extremely fond of the vicar,” said Jocelyn. “He would not have respected him unless he thought him a wise man.”

Jocelyn paused and glanced about. The dark clouds had moved nearly overhead and the wind had intensified.

“If we stay out here much longer,” she said, “we may get soaked. And look at me—I’m still in my dressing gown! I have the feeling this is going to be quite a storm.”

Gradually they turned and began making their way back toward the Hall by way of the heather garden.