Kashae Howard, the lady yelled from afar, but my ass couldn’t move. It was like I had cement blocks on my ankles or something. Hearing my name made this shit real to me. It was like I knew she held my fate in her hands and I wasn’t ready to hear it just yet. After hearing my name in the distance for at least three more times, I finally willed myself in the direction of the person who was calling my name.
I could tell once I approached her that she was irritated at my slow response, but I didn’t give a fuck because the words that would soon flow from her mouth could potentially ruin me. Shit, not just me, but my entire family. My family had high hopes for me. Hell, I had high hopes for myself, but one wrong move, one wrong choice was about to make or break my ass.
Lord, if you fix this shit, I promise I’ll pay my ten percent and keep my hot ass legs closed! Come on Jesus! I glanced up to the ceiling in hopes that my prayers were heard.
The lady dressed in beige slacks, a long-sleeve, dingy, white blouse with some black kitten heels my granny used to wear, glared at me tight lipped and I knew she was pissed, but I didn’t care. Her being pissed didn’t move me one way or another. I had bigger shit on my mind. Sweeping her hand across her forehead to move a strand of her matted, dusty weave from her face, she finally spoke after giving me the side eye.
“Kashae?” she questioned, looking from the paperwork, then to me.
All I did was nod and she spun around, walking swiftly down a hallway where there were numerous waiting areas with bunches of people who were looking just like me.
Lost.
Broken.
Hurt.
Unlike those people, my ass didn’t have to be at this run-down ass, stinky ass health department, but there was no way I could have visited my regular doctor that I had been seeing since I was kid who knew my entire family. So, here I was at the Greenville County Health Department about thirty minutes from my hometown.
Finally stopping in front of one of the open door rooms, the lady slipped inside, moving out of the way to allow me in before she closed the door behind us. Once the door was shut, she sat down on the round, silver stool with a clipboard in her hands.
“Have a seat.” She gestured to one of the chairs next to the examination bed.
Sitting down, suddenly my body began to shake. It was cold, but my shaking wasn’t from the chilly health department room, but from the nervousness that swept through my body as I waited for what she had to say.
My results.
Faintly smiling, she flipped through the paperwork, before her eyes landed back on me.
“Ok, so you’re here because you said you missed a period and have been feeling nauseous, faint, and light headed.” She sighed.
Damn, just say it lady! I have already pissed in your cup and had my blood drawn. Now just tell me what it is! I wanted to scream, but instead, I nodded my head like a two-year-old that had been caught stealing candy. Ashamed was just one word to describe how I was feeling.
Guilty.
Yes, that was another word that consumed me. I was definitely guilty. Guilty of betraying someone I loved and cared about.
“Ok, well, Miss Howard, you are indeed pregnant.” She smiled.
She was smiling, but my ass was dying inside. It was like my soul had been snatched and I was headed to heaven or hell. Right now, either would suffice. Anywhere was better than being here.
As the word pregnant rolled from her lips, my life seemed to stop. My heartbeat sped up and my ass fell out of the chair and wept like this bitch said I had AIDS. She fell to my side, pulling me in trying her best to console me. She just didn’t know there was nothing she could say or do to make me feel better. Tears fell from my eyes like raging waters. My life was indeed over. My family was ruined.
“Honey, it’s not that bad. The paperwork says that you are twenty years old. I’ve seen babies come in here having babies. I’m sure your family will help you out. You seem like you might come from a good home.” She continued doing her best to encourage me, but I had completely zoned out. She caressed my shoulders and pulled me under her arm like a mother would.
My mother, oh my god, what will my mother think?
My father! Oh my god, he will disown me.
And my sister!
What have I done?
All I could do was cry. My head was pounding and my body was trembling like I was having a seizure.
Pulling away from our embrace, she reached over my shoulder to the desk that sat behind us and grabbed a tissue. Dabbing my face for me, I still cried as she did all she could to clean up my appearance.
“Listen, I have pamphlets for support groups for first-time mothers. I also have the name of a few places you can go to get treatment while you’re pregnant, and I also have a list of places you can go if you decide not to keep the baby. Now, we here don’t condone abortions, but it’s not our decision, so we will do all we can to help you make the best decision for you. We are here to help you.”
Help me? There wasn’t a damn thing anyone could do to help me at this point, but she did give me an idea.
Abortion.
Could I kill my baby? It’s my fault, not my unborn child’s, that I was reckless and selfish, but it would save a lot of heartbreak if I just got rid of it. Shit, my father would kill me if I had an abortion. He would probably kill me if he knew I was having sex. I was his baby girl. I could do no wrong in my father’s eyes.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
I had no choice. Abortion.
Yea, that’s it. I’ll just get rid of it and ask God to forgive me.
My chest heaved up and down and I could feel a panic attack coming on. I started having panic attacks a year ago when I was attacked and almost raped after a church function in the church parking lot.
Yea, I went to church. Not only did I go to church, but I was raised in that bitch. I know right! I had fucked up, and bad. Well, that’s not all. My father was a fuckin’ pastor of one of the largest damn churches in Knoxville, Tennessee. Now you see why this pregnant shit was a no go. This would certainly ruin my life and my family’s reputation. This baby had to go.
“Listen, take a breather, honey. Let me get you some water. You need to calm down; it’s not healthy for you or your unborn baby. I’ll give you a few minutes alone and then I’ll be back with your water and paperwork. Hopefully, you will feel better by then.” She stood, but I stayed put on the cold, hard, nasty tile floor with my knees tucked to my chest and under my chin.
This lady could stay gone as long as she wanted to with her water, pamphlets, or whatever else she had to offer because no matter when she returned, my problems weren’t leaving.
I was pregnant with my sister’s husband’s baby, and no support group or pamphlets would help me with that.