ACCRINGTON STANLEY
‘Accrington Stanley, who are they?’
‘Exactly.’
Milk Marketing Board commercial, 1989
‘This is Stanley – the club that wouldn’t die.’
Fans’ banner
Chances are that if you are from the south you won’t have heard of either Accrington or Stanley, and that includes people for whom the south starts at Manchester. If you have heard of Accrington Stanley you are either a proper football fan or you are old enough to remember one of the most patronising TV adverts in the history of a very patronising industry.
It was an advert for milk. Just milk, because in those days no one had learnt how to milk an acorn. The only milk options were milk … or no milk. In the commercial, a young lad with the most Scouse accent ever – he makes John Bishop sound like Jacob Rees-Mogg – explains to his even more Scouse-sounding mate that Liverpool legend Ian Rush told him that if he doesn’t drink his milk he’ll only ever play football for Accrington Stanley.
Now, the standard Scouse mate response to that would be ‘when did you meet Ian Rush, knobhead?’. Instead, the kid looks horrified and says ‘Accrington Stanley, who are they?’ (or more precisely ‘Accccrington Stanley, oo-arr-dey?’), to which comes the reply ‘exactly’.
To this day, it is simply impossible for anyone to mention the name ‘Accrington Stanley’ without someone hilarious shouting ‘who are they’ in a comedy Liverpool accent. Now, if that were my club being patronised like that, I would never have drunk milk again. Or put it in my tea. Or eaten milk chocolate. Or looked at space. I wouldn’t even milk a laugh on stage. Because, as you will find out, when it comes to football I can bear a grudge for England. In fact, I always try to live by the motto of comedian Mark Lamarr: ‘I can forgive, but I can’t forget. Or forgive.’
But as it happens, Stanley fans and the people of Accrington are actually quite proud that an advert for a cow’s by-product has put them on the map. The club even refer to it themselves in their pre-match announcements. I think that’s very decent of them; but also slightly dull. They could have been getting bitter mileage out of that for years.
So, Accrington Stanley, who are they? Here are your pub quiz facts: they are arguably the smallest club in the League. Their cumulative attendance in 2016/17 was 36,978. That’s their cumulative attendance, over 23 games.* I say ‘arguably’ but let’s face it, they are the smallest club in the League. No shame in that. Someone has to be. The reason I said ‘arguably’ is that a Stanley fan may have got this book for Christmas and I wouldn’t want them to be sad if they are reading it on the toilet halfway through Boxing Day.
They play at the ‘Wham Stadium’. What a great name for a stadium! Wham!! I’m all for naming stadiums after bands. Imagine a cup run where I see Palace play Man City away at the Buzzcocks followed by Coventry at the Kajagoogoo and Spurs at the Blancmange† … and then next week we’re off to see West Ham play at the Stolen from the Taxpayer Stadium. Sadly, there isn’t a band called Stolen from the Taxpayer but there bloody well should be just so we can see West Ham play there.
As is often the case in football, the truth behind the Wham stadium is slightly more prosaic. It’s the result of a £200,000 sponsorship deal between Stanley and What More UK Ltd. ‘What More UK Ltd? Who are they?’ ‘Exactly.’ Well, my little Scouse friend, What More are one of the UK’s leaders in the world of online retail plastic boxes, that’s who. And the fact that they have spent £200,000 and no one outside Lancashire knows that may be a source of some concern to their marketing department.
Incidentally, Accrington has a proud industrial heritage and as well as plastic boxes it makes the hardest bricks in the world (the ‘Accrington Nori’ – it’s an anagram of ‘iron’), which were used to construct the Empire State Building and the Blackpool Tower.
One pub quiz fact about Accrington and/or Stanley is invariably wrong. If you are asked to name the only two teams with a person’s name in them, immediately stand up and berate the quizmaster because the question is wrong … there is only one League team with a name in it.
You’ll have to read the book to find out who it is, I’m not an idiot. Or rather, I am. I was happy to tell you now but Bloomsbury said you may not read the Crewe Alexandra chapter if I do. Bollocks.
Yes, these things are important, thank you. I am still reminded of the time I was asked to leave a charity pub quiz because I was so red-in-the-face furious that the answer to a geography question was ‘the moon’. The ‘geo’ in ‘geo’ refers to the earth so how can a question about the bastard moon be geography?! My team (Crystal Phallus) came second by one point, that bloody point. And if my wife is reading this, I still claim that glass of wine slipped out of my hand towards that wall. I didn’t actually throw it.
Anyway. The original Accrington FC were among the 12 founding members of the Football League in 1888 but left after three years (no one seems to know why – I like to hope it was milk-related). At the time there was another team in town called Stanley Villa, based in a working mens’ club on Stanley Street, and they took over the town name to become Accrington Stanley. Don’t let any idiot quizmaster tell you otherwise. The moon is in space, it can’t be geography. Of course, there is the possibility that the Stanley Street in question was named after someone called Stanley, but I have another 91 clubs to get through, I haven’t got time for deep research like that.
After that name change kerfuffle in 1891, not a lot happened really. They knocked around the lower leagues for a bit then were in the Football League proper from 1921 until 1966, when they became one of the very few teams to actually just give up and resign from the League. The current club were reformed in 1968 (hence ‘the club that would not die’) and returned to the Football League proper in 2006. Since then, well, not much really, but at the time of writing, they are, almost miraculously for a club their size, holding their own in League One.
However, there is still a glorious touch of the past about them that befits a team called Stanley. In 2018, after a 2-1 home victory against AFC Wimbledon, the club announced that a pair of false teeth had been found on one of the terraces. Eager to reunite them with their owner, the club dutifully released a photo of said teeth to the press, although my guess is that the owner had already realised that he/she had lost them. Can you imagine the PR department of any big club allowing them to publicly admit that one of their fans had left their teeth behind? If it was Man United they would have made a few discreet enquiries, hired a private detective, gone door-to-door. Accrington just treated it like a living episode of Last of the Summer Wine. I like that.
So, if anybody asks ‘who are they?’ in future, Accrington can proudly respond, ‘we are the club who wouldn’t die’. And they are the club who may still have your false teeth in the office.
Why You Shouldn’t Support Them
■ They didn’t ban milk from their stadium forever. That shows a lack of childish resentment with which no fan can identify.
■ The whole false-teeth thing.
■ Really, the Wham Stadium?