BRIGHTON AND HOVE ALBION

‘Dear old Sussex by the sea.’

The world’s most twee football song

‘The famous Alan Mullery went to Rome to see the Pope, and this is what he said: “fuck off”.’

Much better football song

Well, this is going to be awkward. When Bloomsbury first begged me to write this book.† I agreed, but only if I didn’t have to write about Brighton. My plan was that I would copy the 1956 autobiography of Sunderland goal-machine Len Shackleton, in which the chapter entitled ‘The Average Director’s Knowledge of Football’ was a blank page. Matt, my editor, thought that would be childish, so instead I suggested that I write about my Sunday football career with Venn Street, Dynamo Sabre and Coyd City, who were all actually the same team.

Again, Matt objected because apparently we’re all grown-ups here and I had to write about Brighton for the simple reason that they were one of the 92 bloody Football League clubs. Although I suspect the real reason is that Brighton and Hove have a lot of independent bookshops. Mainly visited by middle-class, cockapoo-walking, craft-beer-drinking hipster Brighton fans. I suppose that’s childish as well is it, Matt?

Palace and Brighton is one of the furthest, newest and strangest derbies, and has probably the most specific reason for starting, but it is one of the fiercest. Some of the worst violence I have seen at football has been at these games, and neither of us have ever had a reputation for crowd trouble. But before we get on to that, I suppose we should pay the most cursory of visits to Brighton’s history before they started to define themselves purely by their rivalry to us by nicking songs, badges and nicknames.

They were formed in 1901. Right, on to why we hate them.

What? How is that childish?! Oh, FFS.*

They were formed in 1901 and in truth much of their early history mirrored ours, playing lower-league football for many years at shabby stadiums in front of crowds much bigger than either club deserved. Although, their stadium was shabbier than ours, obviously.

In fact, in the 69 years between 1920 and 1989 we were in the same division as them for near enough all of them, mainly the Third Division South. For 56 of those years they were just another club, so what happened?

In November 1976, with both sides doing well in Division Three, Palace and Brighton were drawn against each other in the first round of the FA Cup. We drew 2-2 away in the first game, and 1-1 at home in the replay. In those days that meant a second replay at a neutral venue, so off we trooped (me included) to Stamford Bridge on a very rainy night in early December. The first two games had been feisty, but nothing to write home about. The third one was brutal.

Brighton were managed by Alan Mullery, and us by Terry Venables. They had been teammates together at Spurs in the sixties but apparently hated each other, with both thinking the team should be built round them. Whatever, that night the players clearly took out the managers’ beef on each other.

We won 1-0 with a controversial penalty and at the end of the game, an enraged Mullery marched towards the Palace fans and tossed a handful of coins at us. In the press conference he then tore up a five-pound note and said that was all Palace and its fans were worth. That might have been the end of it, but over the next two and a half seasons we were both promoted twice to end up in Division One. So, every game was important and the atmosphere got edgier and edgier as each one went by.

And there were other factors. Prior to a game down there in 1977, the Palace fans chants of ‘Eagles’ were met by the ironic chanting of ‘Seagulls’ from their fans. They and the club thought it was so clever it was adopted as their official nickname, and a seagull replaced a dolphin on their Tesco carrier-bag of a shirt. That was cheeky. But the eagle is a majestic bird of prey, while the seagull is a chip-stealing rat, so they’re welcome to it.

To make matters worse, after a couple of disastrous seasons that had seen us go from the top of the First Division to near the bottom of the Second Division, our owner Ron Noades decided that Alan Mullery was just the man to get us out of trouble. Mullery was booed on in his first game, and every one that followed. Not that there were many of us left to boo: 51,000 saw the game that got us promoted to the First Division in 1979, while 5,038 watched Mullery’s last game in 1984.

We consolidated well enough after Mullery, but Brighton went on a disastrous run of football and finances that saw them nearly relegated from the League altogether. For years we were in a different league to them both literally and metaphorically. While that was happening they lost their spiritual home at the Goldstone ground and ended up playing home games 70 miles away at Gillingham before moving back to Brighton to rent a tiny little athletic track called the Withdean. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy; and it’s a mark of how football is ultimately more important than rivalries that I willingly agreed to a fundraiser for them when they were searching for a proper ground.

They’ve got one now alright. Although I’m pleased to say we were the first team to beat them there with the winning goal scored by ex-Brighton hero Glenn Murray. Leading to a clip that went viral of a Brighton fan shouting ‘For fuck’s sake Murray’.

Both teams are currently in the Premier League, but old habits die hard. In 2016, we played Spurs away in the FA Cup. It was live on BT Sport and Alan Mullery was an obvious choice for a half-time interview. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on whether you have an eagle or a flying rat on your shirt, they decided to interview him in front of the Palace fans. Did he think as he walked towards 5,000 puzzled but increasingly expectant Palace fans that enough time had elapsed to let bygones be bygones? I haven’t enjoyed myself so much in ages.†

Why You Shouldn’t Support Them

■ Where do I start? The being despicable thing is enough surely?

■ Brian Clough was their manager for a few weeks. I hate that. But he hated them, so that’s alright.

■ In the first draft, every time I mentioned them, I wrote ‘brighton’. Matt made me change them all to ‘Brighton’. I think he secretly supports them, like the rest of the media.