SHEFFIELD UNITED
‘In a city with a burning passion for football, Sheffield United and Sheffield Wednesday can hold their heads high in having one of English football’s oldest and fiercest derbies.’
‘You fill up my senses like a gallon of Magnet, like a packet of Woodbines, like a good pinch of snuff, like a night out in Sheffield, like a greasy chip butty, like Sheffield United, come fill me again.’
United anthem sung to the tune of ‘Annie’s Song’ by John Denver – proof that football is still essentially a working-class sport
Sheffield is the oldest football town in the world. But, and here’s the tricky bit, do I mention that in the United chapter or the Wednesday one?
Hang on. Heads, United. Tails, Wednesday. Heads.
Sheffield is the oldest football town in the world. Even if it turns out that Crystal Palace are acknowledged as the oldest football club in the League, there is no doubt that football was being played in the Steel City long before the League even existed.
Sheffield FC, known as the ‘Sheffield Club’,* were founded in 1857 and initially played games only among themselves, until Hallam FC took pity on them and formed the city’s second club in 1860. If it was formed in 1860 they took a long time to arrange that first match because it didn’t take place until 1862, so there are some who assume that was the year of Hallam’s foundation.
It may be that they were arguing about which rules to use. At the time, different areas, different clubs, even different schools played their own version of the game, and often the only thing they had in common was that they were played with some sort of ball which had to go in the general direction of some sort of line or between some sort of stick.†
I think it’s fair to assume that this game was played by ‘Sheffield rules’, which allowed barging in mid-air and catching the ball, but didn’t allow shin-kicking or headed goals. The goalposts were 12 feet apart with a crossbar nine feet from the ground. There was no offside and no specified number of players. Although I do like to think there was a cartoonist who acted as an early version of VAR.
That first game was played at the home of Sheffield United Cricket Club, Bramall Lane, and legend has it that it lasted three hours and ended 0-0, probably because the goals were so tiny. In 1889 an FA Cup semifinal game between Preston and West Brom was played at the Lane, and caused such interest in the town that the cricket club decided they needed a football club as well, to rival a cricket club called Wednesday that had also started a football team.
Please don’t quote me on any of that. More than any other two clubs, the rivalry between them is such that they reach back in history for anything that gives them a moral edge and it is quite difficult to find any two sources that agree on any of the details. Although it is 100% definite that they were nicknamed the Cutlers until Sheffield Wednesday changed their nickname from the Blades to the Owls in 1903. Or 1907. Or 1912. Make that 98% definite.
Whenever it was, United obviously saw an opportunity. I have no idea whether they asked politely before appropriating the Blades as a nickname, but that’s what they’ve been ever since. And let’s face it, Sean Bean wouldn’t look half as tough if he had a knife, fork and spoon tattooed on his arm over the words ‘100% Cutlery’.
An exciting and energetic Sheffield United team are currently sitting fourth in the Premier League, but that may not last because they have an alarming habit of being relegated in successive years, then promoted back again in a similarly short space of time, although they seem reassuringly stable at the moment.
Bramall Lane is a great away ground. Sheffield is easy to get to, it has an array of ways to pass the time, normally involving eye-wateringly cheap beer, and United fans have all the passion and grit of other teams in the region, but seemingly far less of a desire to physically hurt soft southern bastards.
Mind you, the average South Yorkshire policeman, I have to say, was never that friendly. I remember them being furious with Palace fans because one game at Bramall Lane was so foggy it would have been called off if 600 of us hadn’t had the temerity to travel there to (not) watch it, and the referee thought that we would kick off if he didn’t. One copper in particular seemed intent on blaming me for the fact that he was at a freezing cold football match rather than toasting his toes back at the station. Having said that, I could be a mouthy little sod, so it is possible I had been reminding him of the toe-toasting potential he was missing.
He was right, though. It should have been called off. The second half was so foggy that some of us spent most of it chatting to the United goalkeeper, disturbed only once by a half-hearted Palace attack looming out of the gloom. Although, thinking
Whatever it was, we could only try to interpret what was happening at the other end by the sound of their fans, and as there wasn’t any, we came to the correct conclusion that the game ended nil-nil. Why the referee thought there would be trouble from us if the game was called off is beyond me. We shared the toe-toasting dreams of the grumpy policeman and would happily have gone home early.
Still, when we did eventually get back to lovely London, we went straight to a party, where Roy met the girl he is still married to. Roy, as you know, was the smooth good-looking one with all the charm.
Well, some of the charm. She still doesn’t know that three of us drew lots to decide who got the chance to chat her up and Roy won. I’m trusting that most of you are gallant enough not to tell her.
Why You Shouldn’t Support Them
■ Yes, Sean Bean, we know you have Sheffield United tattoos. Put them away, love.
■ They made me pay money to watch fog for 90 minutes.
■ A gallon of Magnet and a greasy chip butty. How is that a good night out?