WATFORD

‘I think Watford FC might have saved my life.’

SIR ELTON JOHN when he was owner of Watford

‘I’d rather win 5-4 than 1-0.’

GRAHAM TAYLOR when he was manager of Watford

It’s a new phenomenon, but Watford really don’t like us. In the 2013 Championship play-offs final at Wembley, a tense game between us was settled by a very late penalty given for a tackle on Wilfried Zaha and scored for Palace by Kevin Phillips, an ex-Watford legend.

Watford’s management and players took defeat on the chin and accepted it was a stonewall penalty. Their fans, however, despite the evidence of many slow-motion replays, still insist that Wilf dived, thus proving my point that fans of every other club except Palace are irrational idiots. Our games against them ever since have been played in a very hostile atmosphere. At first, this was quite amusing, and being a physically and morally bigger club than them, we shrugged it off. But just as, eventually, even the most amiable puppy will snap at a teasing toddler, we/I are beginning to dislike them just as much. And it doesn’t help that their mascot, Harry the Hornet, is on a one-furry-man mission to annoy us by throwing himself to the ground when Wilf gets the ball and/or ‘hilariously’ pretending to dive in front of the away end.

Try as I might to suggest that despite petty rivalries, we are all united by football, I’m afraid I have to admit that I only hate some of the other 91 clubs for comedy purposes. One or two or 38 of them I genuinely do not like. And, for the moment, until their fans grow up, Watford is one of them.

It’s a shame, really, because for a neutral there is much to admire even if you’re not a fan of Elton John.* According to the club’s official history, they were formed in 1881 when the Earl of Essex gave permission for some local teenagers to ‘kick a ball around in the park’. But, as local teenagers have been kicking something around somewhere local since the first mammoth coughed up a furball, I’m taking that with a pinch of salt, so let’s start in 1898 when the West Herts Club absorbed Watford St Marys to become Watford FC.

I don’t know where Watford St Mary’s is. To be honest, like most football fans, I don’t really know where Watford is, and I only got back from there an hour ago.† Actually, it may not be a good idea to write this 10 minutes after getting home from a bad-tempered away game against a team that really doesn’t like you, but I’ve been sat on a train seething for an hour, and I want to channel the energy.‡

It used to infuriate my dad when Watford were included as a London team on The Big Match, but I don’t think he knew where Watford is either. He just knew it wasn’t in London. Yes, it’s in Hertfordshire, so they’re not local rivals, but you can use your Oyster card to get there, so maybe it is a derby after all. It’s all very confusing – perhaps the whole Zaha thing is a blessing because it gives us a reason other than geography to not like them.

It’s not the only mystery about them, either. Why have they got a moose on their badge, for a start? Well, actually, it’s a hart, which is a reference to Hartfordshire, sorry, Hertfordshire. If it is a hart, it’s drawn by someone who has seen a lot of mooses, or meece, or whatever the plural of moose is.

And why are they the Hornets? Well, that one’s easier to answer. In 1959, they changed their kit to yellow and black. Before that they played in blue and their nickname was … the Blues. Not very clever but that must have been the shortest club nickname decision meeting in history. Of course, if Elton John had a sense of humour,§ he could have sung ‘I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Hornets’.

And it was under the chairmanship of Elton John and the management of Graham Taylor (see the chapter on Lincoln City for more details) that Watford had the most fun. Between 1976 and 1982, the pair took Watford from the bottom of the Fourth Division to the top of the First. Two years later they reached their first ever FA Cup final, a game only memorable for Elton John’s tears. And despite not being a fan of his music, I still get very moved at the genuine emotion of a man watching his beloved football club walk out at Wembley.

They were the tears of a man who was not only supporting his local club but acknowledging that his involvement with them led him away from a potentially destructive lifestyle. It should be hard to dislike a club like that. But I’m giving it a go.

Taylor left in 1987 and the club were relegated the year after, but in his climb up the table, Watford played a sort of sophisticated direct football that was lambasted by pundits, but which I found quite compelling to watch; and it was played by a team that, unusually for the time (except, I’m proud to say, for Palace), reflected a growing social diversity with black players like Luther Blissett and John Barnes lighting up the pitch, despite the despicable abuse from many Neanderthal fans at away games.

Sadly, the current team seem less concerned with lighting up the pitch than with kicking Wilf Zaha off it; and if Watford fans think I’m being illogical and childish, then tough, you started it.

Why You Shouldn’t Support Them

■ It couldn’t have been more of a penalty if he’d brought Wilf down with a lasso.

■ The bar in the away end doesn’t open when we play there. Possibly wise, but in the context, childish.

■ Most annoying mascot in football. I know he’s a Hornet but he really gets into character.