America is the land of opportunity…if you’re a businessman in Japan.
—LAURENCE J. PETER
Nine out of ten Americans believe that out of ten, one person will always disagree with the other nine!
—COLIN MOCHRIE
I had always loved beautiful and artistic things, though before leaving America I had had a very little chance of seeing any.
—EMMA ALBANI
American youth attributes much more importance to arriving at driver’s license age than at voting age.
—MARSHALL McLUHAN
Being attached to America these days is like being in a pen with a wounded bull.
—RICK MERCER
Living next to America is in some ways like sleeping with an elephant.
—PIERRE TRUDEAU
More die in the United States of too much food than of too little.
—JOHN KENNETH GALBRAITH
There is no substitute for education, unless it is the American public school system.
—LAURENCE J. PETER
Very little is known about the War of 1812 because the Americans lost it.
—ERIC NICOL
When the white man came, we had the land and they had the Bibles; now they have the land and we have the Bibles.
—CHIEF DAN GEORGE
In Australia, not reading poetry is the national pastime.
—PHYLLIS McGINLEY
It’s easier for Asians to wink.
—PIERRE LÉGARÉ
Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.
—MORT SAHL
You haven’t loved until you’ve died in California.
—MORT SAHL
I’ve arranged with my executor to be buried in Chicago, because when I die, I want to still remain active politically.
—MORT SAHL
I love Chinese food. My favorite meal is number 27.
—JIM CARREY
When the Chinese see us on television, they think we all look alike.
—PIERRE LÉGARÉ
There are only two things I can’t stand in this world: those who are intolerant of other ‘s cultures—and the Dutch.
—MIKE MYERS
Before they realised that their country was below sea-level, the Dutch thought they had a bladder infection.
—PIERRE LÉGARÉ
If God wanted to arrange the universe in any other way, he would certainly do so.
—BRUCE KRIGER
When God created Man
He was already tired.
That explains a lot…
—HEIN MOES
The fall in Eden was ultimately a failure to give thanks.
—ANN VOSKAMP
Edmonton is not exactly the end of the world… but you can see it from there.
—RALPH KLEIN
Egypt: where the Israelites would still be if Moses had been a bureaucrat.
—LAURENCE J. PETER
It takes some skill to spoil a breakfast—even the English can’t do it.
—JOHN KENNETH GALBRAITH
Florida isn’t so much a place where one goes to reinvent oneself, as it is a place where one goes if one no longer wished to be found.
—DOUGLAS COUPLAND
Architecture should speak of its time and place, but yearn for timelessness.
—FRANK GEHRY
The German method is to go to the principle of things, to select the wrong principle, and to build on that.
—LOUIS DUDEK
Hollywood is a city in the U.S. where someone is more likely to ask you “Who’s Whose” than “Who’s Who.”
—O.A. BATTISTA
If you’ve got an Hungarian friend, you don’t need an enemy.
—SAUL BELLOW
These two Irishmen were passing a pub— well, it could happen.
—JACK CARSON
Latin men are incredibly noisy in bed—I had no idea that there even were that many saints.
—CAROLINE RHEA
In Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his eight-year-old daughter to take the wheel of his car, and an accident ensued that damaged seven other cars and injured six. Which once again proves my theory—women can’t drive.
—NORM McDONALD
New York is the capitol of a country that does not exist.
—SAUL BELLOW
When a New Yorker looks as if he has a suntan, it’s probably rust.
—LAURENCE J. PETER
New Yorkers now see only what they want to see. The bodies don’t bother them, they step around them.
—NICOLE LAURIER
There are, of course, several things in Ontario that are more dangerous than wolves. For instance, the step-ladder.
—J.W. CURRAN
An advantage of paying Russian workers in vodka is that after an hour they think they are paid double time.
—PIERRE LÉGARÉ
In fact, I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
—MIKE MYERS
There were a lot of Scotsmen who were on the verge of inventing the ladder, but they were waiting for someone else to invent trousers.
—PIERRE LÉGARÉ
I was walking down Soho when a young lady asked if I would sleep with her for fifty dollars. Well, I wasn’t tired, but I thought the money would come in handy.
—HARRY SCOTT
McDonald’s in Tokyo is a terrible revenge for Pearl Harbor.
—S.I. HAYAKAWA
In Virginia, police are looking for a stripper who stabbed a man for telling her she was too fat to strip. Police warn that the woman is armed and extremely fat.
—NORM McDONALD
Vancouver is the square root of negative one. Technically, it shouldn’t exist, but it does. I can’t imagine living anywhere else.
—DOUGLAS COUPLAND
Washington is a place where they praise courage and act on elaborate personal cost-benefit calculations.
—JOHN KENNETH GALBRAITH
The big city is a cold, lonely place. At least, that’s what it’s like on the days I forget to wear clothes.
—SCOTT GRIFFIN
The two big tricks of the twentieth century are technology instead of grace and information instead of virtue.
—ULYSÉE COMTOIS
I grew up in a neighborhood that was so rough, I learned to read by the light of a police helicopter.
—BILL JONES
There were 15 in the village, including five of us. If my father arrested somebody in the winter, he’d have to wait until the thaw to turn him in.
—LESLIE NIELSEN
I am a real cosmopolitan. I am unhappy everywhere.
—STEPHEN VIZINCZEY