I’m terrified of being trapped in a folding bed. I’m a claustropedic.
—CAROLYN MAY
I cried because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet. So I beat the living snot out of him because I’m lack-toes intolerant.
—LIL OWENS
For, “You really must come and see us soon,” read, “If you call us we’ll pretend we’re out.”
—STEPHEN BURGEN
A funny tattoo is not expensive and can lighten the atmosphere during an autopsy.
—PIERRE LÉGARÉ
Two meteorologists had a fight that was over dew.
—JOHN S. CROSBIE
The driving instructor told me to keep my eyes on the road. That’s why I crashed into the telegraph pole.
—RITCHIE DOHERTY
Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee looks larger the closer it gets…then it hit me.
—STEWART FRANCIS
White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
—GERALD GRAHAM
People who insist on drinking before driving, are putting the quart before the hearse.
—LAURENCE J. PETER
When a cross-eyed man gets drunk, he sees everything quadruple.
—PIERRE LÉGARÉ
My teacher said I’d do much better at school if I stopped flirting. I immediately got off his lap.
—STEWART FRANCIS
In school I wanted to join the debating team, but someone talked me out of it.
—STEWART FRANCIS
The most efficient product to stop smoking is gas.
—PIERRE LÉGARÉ
Did I already tell you my Alzheimer’s joke?
—STEWART FRANCIS
Being in therapy is great. I spend an hour just talking about myself. It’s kinda like being the guy on a date.
—CAROLINE RHEA
I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.
—STEWART FRANCIS
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?: “Hold my purse.”
—FRANçOIS MORENCY
Why do people suck in their stomachs when they weigh themselves?
So they can see the scale.
—MARTHA CHAVES
“Tell me, Holmes, what is the purpose of laxative?”
“Alimentary, my dear Watson.”
—JOHN S. CROSBIE
The reason there’s a question mark on my front door is just in case I forget my address.
—LESLIE NIELSEN
Do mattress companies do spring cleaning?
—TERRY SUTHERLAND
Do Apple computers make better pie charts?
—TERRY SUTHERLAND
The driver says to the officer who pulls him over for speeding: “How could I have been doing 70 miles an hour when I’ve only been driving for ten minutes?”
—JIM UNGER
How long I had been driving? Not long. Just three trees, two lamp posts and a pedestrian.
—EDWARD PHILLIPS
What’s the matter, do you think my fallacy is wrong?
—MARSHALL MCLUHAN
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
—ANDREW KOHLSMITH
If Eve was the first lady, who was the second?
—O.A. BATTISTA
Two half-brothers don’t make a whole brother.
—PIERRE LÉGARÉ
There are three rules for creating humour, but unfortunately no one knows what they are.
—LAURENCE J. PETER
He was telepathetic; so he refused to have a telephone.
—MICHELINE LA FRANCE
They say being a hostage is difficult. It’s not difficult. I could do it with my hands tied behind my back.
—PHIL NICHOL
I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; it was riveting.
—STEWART FRANCIS
If you hold up a Russian book to a mirror, you can read it, but you won’t understand a word of it.
—PIERRE LÉGARÉ