Chapter 30

Izzy

Day 2 of the best adventure of my life

 

Mom laughs and then She Who Shall Not Be Named starts to laugh and I start laughing too. I have no idea why. I look around. No one’s in the parking lot, which is probably a good thing because if there were anyone, they’d probably think there was something wrong with us. All three of us are in a parking lot, wearing pajamas, laughing for no reason at all.

I steal a quick look in She Who Shall Not Be Named’s direction. She’s lying on the hood of Mom’s car (probably denting it), like she does it all the time. Like she was just hanging out, waiting for us.

I wonder where she’s been all night? Did she go to a bar or something? She probably has a fake ID. Of course I don’t think she looks any older than me so I don’t know how she’d get in. I can’t believe she sat out here all night, though. She didn’t have the car key, though. It’s still up in the room.

Or was she planning on running away? Why else would she sneak out of the hotel room in the middle of the night like that? I know Mom was afraid she was going to go out her window again the night before last. That’s why Mom slept with her.

But if she was going to run away, why didn’t she? Did she realize she’s totally unequipped to be on her own? Or did she not run away because she realized our family, no matter how big a mess we are, is better than no family at all?

Last night, when I woke up and saw her at the door, I don’t know why I didn’t squeal like a pig on her. All I would have had to do was shake Mom awake and She Who Shall Not Be Named would have been so busted. But I didn’t wake up Mom. I just watched her go. I’m going to have to think on that later—when I’m dressed.

She Who Shall Not Be Named catches me looking at her and I look away really fast. Her looking at me makes me feel weird. Guilty weird.

In the house, it was easy to ignore her. Sometimes I could even pretend she didn’t exist. But in the car, staying in a hotel room with her, is different. It’s harder. I keep remembering things from before Caitlin bought her one-way ticket. Haley did mean things to me like tease me, but as much as I don’t want to remember, she was nice to me, too. Like the time I broke this vase Mom really liked and she said she did it goofing around with Caitlin. Then she used her own money to buy a new one and said I didn’t have to pay her back. She told me, “This one’s on me, kiddo.”

I look at Mom. “Can we at least get breakfast before we leave?”

“I don’t think they have waffles at the breakfast bar. Just cold stuff.” She Who Shall Not Be Named puts her book into her backpack and digs around for something. I see a flash of pink; Caitlin’s iPad is in her bag. The little thief. I brought it. I should be able to carry it in my bag. Maybe she was going to run away and that’s why she has it.

“But they have scones and blueberry muffins.” She Who Shall Not Be Named looks right at me. She knows I love blueberry muffins. On Sundays, before Caitlin crossed the River Styx, somebody always used to run to the bakery and get fresh pastries. I always got a blueberry muffin, the kind with the crumbles on top.

“Saw them when I got some coffee earlier.” She Who Shall Not Be Named is obviously talking to me. She takes something wrapped in a napkin out of her bag and pushes it across the hood of the car. “I got an extra one. In case they ran out.”

I stare at the muffin. I really really like blueberry muffins and I’m hungry. I ordered a veggie burger last night. Bad choice. I stare at the muffin. It’s a big one with brown sugar crumbles on the top.

“But if you don’t want it,” she says. She shrugs and makes a move to take it back.

I grab it and take a big bite.

Mom stands there looking at the two of us. I can’t believe she’s not making She Who Shall Not Be Named tell her what she’s doing out here on top of our car at eight o’clock in the morning, but Mom’s blind to her daughters’ shortcomings. All of ours. She’s always been that way. Even with me. She thinks I’m like the smartest ten-year-old in the world.

“You could say thank-you,” Mom says. Instead of chewing Haley out for being out here rather than in the hotel room where we can keep an eye on her, that’s what she says.

I purposely don’t look at She Who Shall Not Be Named still on the hood. “Do I have to give it back if I don’t?”

Mom shakes her head like she’s annoyed with me and walks away, headed for the side door of the hotel. I just stand there for a minute, eating my muffin. I want to ask She Who Shall Not Be Named where she went. Why she left the room, but I can’t figure out how without actually speaking to her and I’m kind of on a roll. I don’t think I’ve spoken to her since the morning of the day Caitlin died.

She watches me stuff the muffin into my mouth. “Thanks for not ratting on me last night. That was . . . it was a nice thing to do, Izzy.”

I don’t say anything, but my eyes are scratchy, like I’m going to cry. I have no idea why. I’m so mad at her. Why do I care if she thinks I’m nice?

“What I can’t figure out,” she says, climbing down off the hood of the car, “is why you didn’t tell. Did you not tell Mom because you wanted me to leave? Because you never want to see me again? Or did you not wake Mom up because you knew I didn’t want you to?”

I just stand there. The muffin doesn’t taste that good anymore. I wish I hadn’t put so much in my mouth. I chew slowly. I don’t want to cry. I should just walk away, but my feet won’t move.

She’s standing close to me now. “If I’d had a choice that night, I’d have been the one who died and not Caitlin. You get that, don’t you?” She just keeps standing there for a minute. Then she walks away. “Come on. Let’s get dressed and see if there’s any more blueberry muffins.”