Chapter 41
Julia
I was so full of hope when I drove to the airport this afternoon. Granted, I was apprehensive, but I was still clinging to the idea that Ben would do anything for us. If push came to shove.
It’s coming to pushing and shoving, now.
We’re lying in Laney’s bed, me in a cute nightie I borrowed from her, him in his boxers. The girls have gone to bed. Laney and her boys are staying at the lake cottage to give us some privacy. We had a nice family dinner, spaghetti and meatballs, even wine. Then Ben and I went out on the porch to talk. That’s when the family reunion started to go downhill. We picked up the conversation again, after we all turned in for the night.
I’m devastated.
My conversations with Ben this evening have gone nothing like I imagined they would go, even worst-case scenario. I actually thought we might have sex tonight. I shaved my legs.
I don’t think there’s going to be any sex tonight.
Not only has Ben made it clear he’s not willing to move to Maine with us, but now he’s telling me he’s brought me information about boarding school for Izzy. He wants to send her to St. Andrews in Northern California where he and his brothers went. Now. As in next week. He wants her to fly back with him so he can get her settled and Haley and I can just wander back cross-country when we’re ready. Apparently he and Linda cooked up this idea. With Haley turning eighteen in a couple of weeks, he realized (or she realized and told him) he couldn’t force her to do anything, but I guess their idea is that he can still control Izzy. Still save her. From me.
I stare up at the ceiling of Laney’s bedroom, trying to follow where he’s going with this. We’re lying side by side, but I feel as far from him as I’ve ever felt in our married life. “But Izzy hasn’t even been a problem. Why would you think we should send her away?”
I’ll give him credit, at least he’ll look me the eye. He turns his head. “Jules, let’s face it. You haven’t been yourself since the accident.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” I stare at him. “My child died.”
“And so did mine. But it’s not normal, to lie in bed for two months and then . . . this.”
“This?”
“Driving here. Now saying we should all move to Maine and open a restaurant.”
“A café,” I correct.
“If Izzy went away to school, it would give you some time to get yourself together.”
“Get myself together?” I repeat testily. “And what about Haley?”
“What about her? We’ll get her counseling, like we talked about, but honestly, as I said—” He exhales. “I don’t know why we have to keep rehashing stuff.” He stops and starts again. “Once she turns eighteen, I don’t know what we can do with her. Legally, she can leave our house. She can go live on Crack Street if she wants and there’s nothing we can do about it.”
I roll onto my side so I’m facing him and I draw up my knees, wanting to curl into a fetal positing. I’m so profoundly sad and angry and . . . sad. “You won’t even consider moving here?” I look up into his beautiful brown eyes that I’ve loved for so many years. “Come on, Ben. Forget about what Linda’s saying. Think for yourself. My idea for the café is a good one, and you know it. Totally feasible. I told you, the rent is dirt cheap and Laney knows someone who might be interested in being some sort of silent partner so I might be able to get some financial backing. I even talked to a couple of the restaurant owners and managers in town. There’s definitely a place for the kind of café I’m talking about. Organic is big in the area and getting bigger.” I reach out and lay my hand on his broad shoulder. “This was our dream, Ben. Remember?”
He shakes his head. “I can’t do it, Jules.”
“Why not?” I fight back tears. I’m not going to cry. I can’t cry. “Why can’t you? We have the money. If you sell your quarter of the business, we could easily live at least two years without having to make a profit, even pouring money into the café.”
“And what if this business fails, Jules?”
His expression is earnest. I think about what Haley said about me expecting more from him than he had to give. Maybe Izzy’s not my only wise daughter.
“What then?” he asks. “After I’ve spent my whole adult life building our lawn business at home, what do we do if this fails?”
“I don’t know. We pick up the pieces and we start again.” I grip his shoulder. “Together, you and I and Haley and Izzy.”
He rolls onto his back and rests his fist on his forehead. He stares up. “My life is in Las Vegas. My life is my business. My family.”
I push up with one hand, leaning over him. “We’re your family.”
His eyes fill with tears. “I can’t do it, Jules.” He slips his arm around me and pulls me down against him. “I just can’t do it.”
I rest my cheek on his bare chest and listen to his heart beating. I smell the scent of his skin that mingles with the scent of the lavender sheets. “So what does that mean?” I whisper.
“Are you set on this? Moving here with the girls?”
My voice catches in my throat. I feel like death has come to us again, only this time, it’s not a child I’m losing. It’s my marriage. It’s twenty years of laughter . . . and tears. And it hurts. When I spoke my vows, promising to be with him until death do us part, I always assumed that meant the death of one of us. It never occurred to me that it might mean the death of a child.
But it’s the right thing to do. I know it.
And I think he does too.