Chapter 24

Lee's friend Mike was coming into town from the bay and staying with Mitchell for the weekend. Lee invited them both to come by his place on Saturday night. Like Mitchell, they'd attended high school together, but Mike was a "techno geek," had gotten into Stanford and never came back to L.A. I invited Suzanne to join us. She declined, until I told my roommate about Mitchell's cable show. Network. Network. Network, I reminded her. By the end of the week two more of my friends and two more of Lee's had been added to the guest list.

I'd never hosted a gathering before. Neither had Lee. It kind of felt like our coming out party as a couple. I was excited, but nervous. The crowd would be diverse and I hoped everyone would get along. Saturday we shopped for three hours and Lee spent over $300 on party foods and liquor.

We spent the afternoon arranging platters of snacks. Jon was bringing the trendy new game Pictionary. My girlfriend, Lavonne, had just broke up with Joe again and was on the prowl. She brought the game, Scruples— a quick way to get into someone's psyche, she'd said. Lee had loaded the ten disc CD changer with everything from rock to pop to punk. Pizza rolls were still in the oven when Mitchell and Mike arrived.

Mitchell greeted me with a kiss on the cheek in the fashionable L.A. way then went into the kitchen to get a beer. Lee introduced me to Mike, who shook my hand while his eyes walked all over me, then he focused back on Lee.

"Hey, dude, Mitchell and I are looking to chill tonight. You got anything green around?" Mike was only a bit taller than Lee but slender. His hair was flat brown and cut short but unkempt. Beyond his wire-rimmed glasses, his eyes were brown, set rather close, pug nose, his features unremarkable. "I spent the last week trying to wow VC for funding and I really need to put a buzz on."

"No, Mike. I told you I quit for a while. I wasn't bullshitting." Lee looked at me and rolled his eyes.

"Well, can you call your neighbor then?" Mitchell was back, beer in hand. "Ask him if he'll sell us an eighth or something?"

"Carl only sells quarters, Mitch. And it's damn expensive, $80 or more." Lee turned away to open the door and welcomed in Jon and Lavonne. He greeted Jon with a shake of hands and Lavonne a kiss on the cheek upon my introduction. I kissed and hugged them both and led them into the living room.

"Hey Mike, you wanta go in on a quarter then?" Mitchell said loudly.

Mike took out his wallet. "I only got $45 on me. Can you cover the rest?"

"Yeah, I think." Mitchell looked in his wallet. "Hey Lee, loan us twenty bucks, would ya?"

Lee gave a sardonic laugh and shrugged. "I don't think Carl's even home you guys."

"Just try, dude, that's all we're asking," Mike insisted.

Lee looked at me as if to say, 'What else can I do?' then took out his wallet. "Can't this wait until later?" Lee handed Mike a $20.

Mike took the money, added it to the money he had in his hand and pocketed it. "Just call him, will ya?"

The doorbell rang again and Lee welcomed in Suzanne with a quick hug then went into the kitchen to get the Pizza rolls from the oven. I led my roommate into the living room and introduced everyone, including Mitchell who still lingered with Mike near the kitchen, clearly more interested in scoring than talking.

"Can you make that call to Carl like now, dude?" Mitch suggested.

The doorbell rang again and I answered it. Lee greeted a young married couple with handshakes and hugs then introduced, Shelly and Steve, associates he knew through his business. Shelly was eight and a half months pregnant and looked about ready to pop. I lead them into the living room and introduced them to my friends. I took drink requests and Lee and I went into the kitchen to pull beers and pour wine. The guests exchanged small talk but not as much as I'd like. Everyone seemed to be listening to Mitchell and Mike pester Lee.

"Should I just go next door, knock on the door and tell him I'm a friend of yours?" Mike asked.

"No, Mike. Not cool." Lee handed me a couple of beers which I delivered to Jon and Lavonne sitting on the couch.

"Then can you just make a quick trip over there?" Mitchell pestered.

Lee looked at me exasperated as he handed me the white wine he'd poured for Suzanne. "Me casa a su casa, everyone," he announced. "Please help yourself to food and drink." Then his eyes locked on mine. "I'll be right back," he said softly. "Come on Mike." And he went out the front door with Mike in tow.

Mitchell stayed a few feet from the door. I sat on the bench for the synthesizer, drank my Diet Coke and listened to people chat as I tried to rationalize Lee going to score. Shelly was closest to me, sat on the chaise lounge that extended from the couch, holding her pregnant belly. I inquired about their coming baby, but it was hard to pay attention looking at the door every other second hoping to see Lee come back in.

Lavonne saved me by joining into, and then taking over the conversation. Bless her. I watched my friend tuck a loose strand of her curly dark hair behind her ear and focus her blue eyes on Shelly, the way she used to look at Jon when he mattered to her, and me sometimes when I do. Her friendly, freckled face smiled a lot and laughter came easily and reflected her lightness.

Suzanne talked to Mitchell still standing near the kitchen. Jon and Steve were equally engaged. I smiled, glad for the scene, except for my missing boyfriend. Ten minutes later Lee and Mike returned. Carl came along too and brought this hippie-type couple, easily in their 60's, he claimed were his parents. I introduced myself, unsure if he was joking. Carl had shoulder length blond hair, blue-eyes, was tan and built, and beyond just a weed dealer, a big-wave surfer, he claimed. And he knew the best waves from the Wedge to Montecito so he wasn't a poser.

Lee joined me on the bench after he got himself a Diet Coke, his small condo quite crowded by then. "Hi.” He leaned over casually and kissed me.

"Hi." I felt mad at him, but wasn't sure why. The noise level escalated substantially with the new arrivals and it was hard to hear Brian Ferry singing Don't Stop the Dance.

"You got any rolling papers, Lee?" Mike came out from the kitchen with a Heineken in hand.

"You're not smoking that in here." Shelly said, rubbing her swollen belly.

Mike just stared at her, and Lee didn't say anything, so I said, "Of course he's not going to smoke it in here. Right, Mike?" I glared at him.

"Oh, yeah." Mike finally said. "Right. Of course. We'll use the balcony. No problem." He looked at Lee. "So, what about those papers. Can you give me a hint or should I rummage?"

Lee had his poker face on, looked at me and shrugged. "I might have some papers in the junk drawer, the big one at the end of the counter."

Mike went to rummage. I looked down, embarrassed by the scene. Minutes later Mike, Mitchell, and soon-to-be-dad, Steve, went out to the balcony to share a joint. Shelly scoffed, shook her head, mentioned since pregnancy her husband had agreed to quit using around her, and was livid with him when the boys came back in, wouldn't let Steve touch her when he sat next to her and tried taking her hand. I wouldn't want to be in their car on their way home tonight.

Lavonne suggested we all play Scruples, ostensibly to unite the crowd. Everyone joined in. We made up our own rules, had everyone draw one card and answer the questions. And Lee and I agreed on most every answer except for the last one.

"If you could be anyone besides yourself for twenty four hours, who would that be?" Lee read his card aloud.

From Carl's 'mother' to Shelley, every woman there said they'd want to be a man for a day. Some said a famous man, some said any man, but each of us sought the experience of what it felt like to be male. In contrast, there wasn't a man in the room that wanted to be a woman. Not even Lee. Every guy there said some famous rock or sports star, or some macho movie star, or just plain rich, Mitchell added.

"I never want to be a woman." Lee said definitively. "Men have all the advantages. We get to have kids without the hassle of periods or the pain of childbirth. We don't have to choose between work and family, and even without a degree we make more money, and have way more career and advancement opportunities. We don't have to get off the ladder of success and wreck our earning potential to be the primary caretaker, so we never have to be dependent on anyone else to get by. I don't know why any man would want to be a woman, even for a day."

I looked around the room. Every guy was nodding and smiling. My skin prickled. Lee was right, of course. Men still ruled in our society, and the sexual equality I thought reachable in my lifetime suddenly seemed light years away.

Everyone mingled after playing Scruples. I sat on the edge of the coffee table and talked to Jon and Lavonne until I noticed Lee out on the balcony with Mike and Mitchell. I excused myself and went to be with my boyfriend, praying he wasn't getting high. He saw me coming towards the glass door before I reached it and smiled at me as I joined them.

It was cold out, the air full of mist and the sweet scent of weed. I actually salivated, my desire for a hit keeping my eyes on the joint like a mooching dog as Mike passed it to Mitchell. Lee leaned against the wall of the balcony, seemingly not partaking. The tall pines behind him bent in the breeze and I shivered, then moved in to snuggle. He hugged me, then released me.

"Why don't you go back inside and get warm." Lee said softly, like it was a suggestion for my welfare instead of the dismissal it was.

I looked at Mike and Mitchell, then back at Lee standing next to me. "Join me?" I suggested casually.

"Give me a minute. I'll be in soon." He smacked me on the ass playfully as I turned to go back in.

I glared at him as I went back inside. I thought I may cry, so I went into the kitchen and started cleaning up to avoid interacting. There was no way to tell if Lee was getting high with his friends, but it was likely he was. I too, wanted a buzz to achieve that sublime lightness, focusing on enjoying the moment instead of the dissolving grand plan of my life. But I'd made a promise to myself to quit, as Lee had to me. And I had every intention of keeping my word, though the smarter part of me knew it absurd to expect that of Lee.

I heard the three of them come back in a bit later. Lee didn't join me in the kitchen. He stayed in the living room and socialized. Suzanne was the first to go, giving Mitchell her number before leaving. She started a trend and by 3:00a.m. everyone had finally left.

"God, I thought they'd never leave." I shut the door on drunken Carl and his spacey parents.

"Me too. I think everyone had a good time though." Lee stood at the kitchen threshold staring at the mess in the living room. "Let's leave it for now. We can clean up in the morning." He held out his hand to me.

I hesitated, considered asking him if he got high with Mitch and Mike but didn't. I was too afraid he'd broken the pact between us, or knowing he lied if he used and said he didn't. I moved to him, took his hand and he led me up the stairs to his bedroom. I noticed the paperback of Lonesco's Rhinoceros on his end table as he gathered my face in his hands and kissed me.

"I'm not ready for sleep just yet. Wired from the party, I guess." He pressed his groin into mine and I felt his hardness, his intention now obvious. "See what you do to me?"

"More than happy to be with you, sweetie, but if you want to be inside me we're going to have to use a condom." After last weekend's adventures with his family, and tonight imbroglio with his friends, the idea of reproducing with Lee suddenly seemed...icky.

We had sex with a condom, but it took him quite a while to get off, leaving me raw inside. I lay next to him, staring at the ceiling. He rolled onto his side and looked down at me. I rolled away, onto my side so he wouldn't see my face and snuggled back into him to conceal the distance between us. Lee spooned me and whispered sweet nothings in my ear. He rambled on about our kids to come; Sara's graduation with her MBA from Stanford; Kyle finishing his doctorate in biology at Berkeley, on track for working on a cure for cancer.

Icy shards prickled my scalp and the distant voice of intuition pierced my consciousness denying I'd ever have children like these with Lee.

"So, when Kyle is 13, do you think he'll be a typical rebellious teen?" Lee continuing to play our now familiar game. "Or will we be privy to his life, among his trusted confidants?"

"I plan to be," I said wistfully, longingly. My vagina burned and it was hard to get into the game right then but I played anyway. "I'll do my damnedest to stay connected to my kids, and to prove to them again and again I can be trusted to be there for them."

"My kids?" Lee teased, sort of. I was sure I caught an edge in his tone.

"You know what I mean." I hadn't, couldn't say our kids.

"Good night." He rolled onto his back. Within a minute he was asleep. I stared at the ceiling. He'd scored for his friends tonight, most likely used with them. And though getting high 'occasionally,' didn't bother me, I knew that simply wasn't possible for Lee, or me. It was just a matter of time before he'd score for himself again. And I would have hated him right then for being the addict he'd denied he was, but I hated myself instead for believing him when I knew I shouldn't have.

-