Chapter 26

The usual Sunday morning religious crap was on at 5:00a.m. Meet The Press came on PBS at 6:00, with legal experts discussing the Rodney King jury now in deliberation. When they showed the video beating for the fifth time in ten minutes, I flipped through the nine stations again.

I sat in bed, desire waging war with reason in my head. Shadows from old oaks and pines moved across the lush green of my neighbors manicured front lawn as the morning passed. It got harder to breathe with each passing minute I didn't hear from Lee. I was into my fourth rerun of Star Trek, The Next Generation when the phone rang around noon.

"Hi." Lee practically yelled into the phone.

"Hi. Where are you?" I heard traffic in the background.

"I'm at a phone booth somewhere in Griffith Park. Rode my bike here early this morning. I was up most of the night trying to figure out how to fit into— live up to who you want me to be." He didn't say anything while a blaring siren passed. "But I can't. You were right from the beginning. We shouldn't be together if you can't accept me as I am."

My breath caught in my throat. "Just tell me if you think I was wrong last night."

"This isn't about right and wrong, my dear. I'm not who you want, Ray. You've made that abundantly clear. And I don't see the point in pursuing a relationship from here. Do you?"

Yes! No. Vertigo. I felt like I was suffocating, drowning, falling down, down, down into blackness. Until that moment I'd assumed it was my choice if we stayed together but realized right then he was ready to walk.

"Look, the bottom line is I need to be with someone who respects me and I don't feel you do. I don't see where we can go from here without a foundation of mutual respect."

"I respect you, Lee, in a lot of areas, from your business savvy to your generosity. If you're looking for blind adoration, I can't give you that."

"And I can't give you the security you're looking for. I'm not that guy with the supportive family who traveled Europe while going to college and now has a budding white-collar career. I'll never have a king for a father and I'll never be a valiant prince."

"I'm not asking you to be. I just want you to work at becoming who you promised me. Relationships are about compromise, Lee."

"Right back at ya, sweetie. I love you, Rachel. I want to be with you, but as me, not trying to be who you want me to be. And addict or not, you're right— I will rarely be a model of restraint since living on the edge of contained is infinitely more entertaining than taking the conventional route." There was levity in his tone, I felt it through the line, and couldn't help smiling, again reminded of the basis for our deep connection. “I like who I am, Ray. I'm sorry you don't.”

I sighed heavily. "I love you, too, Lee. But I will always want to be more than I am, and want to be with a partner who does too." Regardless of the media rhetoric of the woman's role in society, or what my friends did, or my family thought, continuing to distort reality/intuition with desire/desperation suddenly didn't seemed doable anymore. Sadness consumed me, but I knew accepting Lee unconditionally would leave me constantly wanting. It was the life I already had, and Lee, in fact nobody, could save me from it... but me. "So, that's it then? We're over?" I heard my words as if someone else had spoken them. Life without Lee, letting him go completely was simply inconceivable, beyond withdrawal, on par with death.

A horn blared in the background and Lee was quiet for what seemed a long time. "I don't want to lose you, Ray, not after how far we've come. We can still be friends, or at least play racquetball if you want to..."

"I want to." And I want you to fight for me, be everything you promised me, or at least try to be, but I was pretty sure I didn't say it.

"I don't want to come to Passover tomorrow, though. It'd feel to weird if we're not together anymore, and I don't want to pretend.”

“Okay.” I pictured my mother's pinched expression and felt the lump rising in my throat, choking me as I considered Passover at my sister's without Lee.

“So, I guess I'll see you on the courts on Wednesday at the usual time?"

His promise we'd see each other sated me a bit. "Okay," I murmured.

"I wish it could be different between us."

"Me too. Makes me very sad." I tried to control the quiver in my voice.

"Me, too. Take care and I'll see ya Wednesday then." He didn't say anything else but stayed on the line. "Please hang up first," he finally said.

"I can't. I'm too scared." I need you. Please covet me, love me, shelter me.

"It'll be okay. I swear. You don't need me, Ray, or any man really. I honestly believe you of all women can thrive on your own, you just don't believe it yet. Follow your passion. Stick to your vision and create the life you want. You can, ya know. I promise.” He paused, perhaps to give me a chance to respond, but I had no idea what to say to his cheerleader rhetoric. “I'm hanging up now." But he didn't. Finally he said quickly, "I'll see you Wednesday. Bye." Lee disconnected.

I held the phone trying to fight the rising panic that I was now only two months outside of 34 years old, and once again on my own, with no one, alone.

"If you wish to make a call, please hang up and dial—" I finally hung up with the recorded woman's voice reminding me my connection with Lee was over.

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