Chapter 31

Mike and Mitchell were at Lee's door when we stepped off the elevator Saturday morning. Lee sparked a J and handed it to me then went upstairs to throw some clothes in an overnight bag. I felt like Yoko Ono with the boys in the band as we stood there. With little to say to them, and my presences clearly stifling their dialog, only the joint passed between us.

We stopped for bagels and lox spread on the way, which Lee paid for. I listened to them chat about business, their exchange more pissing contest then friendly banter. Lee touted his income from '91, and his percentage gains over the last few years. Mike talked of his start-up with his Stanford buddies— something about a 'browser' for the 'internet,' whatever that meant. Mitchell claimed to be in stealth mode while he whittled a contract with Turner Broadcasting for his new cable music channel. He'd brought a case of cassettes and insisted we listen to new rock that I didn't know, and didn't want to get to know, but I was working hard at not being contentious so I lied when he asked what I thought of the music. We stopped for gas outside Barstow. Lee went inside the station to pay. Mike, to pee. Mitchell and I waited in the car.

"So, how long have you and Lee been back together?" he asked casually.

"Little over a month now. I'm sorry if I wrecked your weekend. I told Lee I was more than happy to stay home but he insisted—"

"You didn't wreck our weekend. I really hope it works out for you guys this time."

"You don't sound very confident it will."

"I don't know, Rachel. You seem really up front to me, ya know, down to earth. You guys are very different. I know Lee probably better than anyone. We've been friends since high school. And he's not what he plays himself to be."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I glared at him. Judas! Then I saw Lee and Mike come out of the mini mart carrying sodas and munchies.

"All I can tell you is Lee's probably the best salesman I've ever met. He's so good in fact, more often than not he even sells himself."

"Hey, you trying to pick up on my girl, Mitch," Lee said as he got behind the wheel. "Or you telling her all my secrets?" He gave me a quick kiss then handed me a Diet Coke.

"I was telling your girl here that you're a schmuck, man, and she ought to run for the hills, but she won't listen to me," Mitchell said with good cheer.

"That's 'cuz she loves me," Lee said. "Right, sweetie?"

I didn't say anything. Lee started the car and I thought we were leaving but he looked at me then put his hand on the back of my head, pulled me to him and kissed me. I felt both boys watching us and almost pulled back, but didn't. Instead I kissed him back, tongue and all as not to shame him.

We didn't go into Vegas but stayed at State Line, a blight in the middle of the desert that consisted of a few garish hotels on either side of the freeway at the Nevada border. It was late afternoon by the time we got to the Balizar Hotel and Casino off I-15. Lee got Mitch and Mike a room connected to the one he got for us and paid for it all, in cash.

I felt ill as we rode up in the elevator together, the boys chattering with excitement about what to do first. Our rooms were on the 12th floor, all identical with a shower/tub in the small bathroom, two double beds and a color TV with a VCR built in that sat atop the long, laminate six-drawer dresser.

"What's up, man?" Mitch came through the connecting door moments after Lee and I entered our room. Mike followed. "Let's cop a buzz before we go play." The boys looked at Lee expectantly.

Lee set his bag down near my backpack on the floor and looked at me. He took the Marlboro pack from the pocket of his leather jacket, pulled out a joint and sparked it then handed it to Mitch as he settled on the edge of a bed. Mike and Mitch sat on the other bed and passed the J between them. I stayed by the dresser, leaned against it for physical, and emotional support.

"So, what is it you guys want to do?" Lee asked.

"What we came here to do, dude." Mike took a deep hit off the joint then got up to pass it to me. "Let's gamble!" He arched his eyebrows and flashed me a grin.

I didn't smile back as I took the joint from him and took a hit. I avoided eye contact with all of them. Instead I focused on the joint and took another hit before I was finished exhaling the first one, hoping the renewed buzz would dissipate my growing anxiety.

"How about we go into Vegas and get some dinner first?" Lee asked diplomatically.

"Yeah. Okay." Mike's brow narrowed slightly on me.

"Fine by me," Mitch chimed in.

I took one more hit and handed the joint to Lee. He looked at me as he took it.

"Okay, Ray?" Lee practically whispered as he stood. We were eye to eye.

He'd betrayed me, but I felt pressured to oblige. "Sure. Let's do it." I stared at him, tried not to glare at him with the boys eying me. I'd expected we'd be staying in Vegas, on the Strip, not State Line, and having dinner on our own as he'd suggested when he'd initially asked me to join them. Of course, I couldn't exactly remind Lee of his words to me in front of his friends.

I managed to keep up the light pretense after sharing another joint on the drive into Vegas. I was beyond feeling too deeply when the boys agreed to save time by eating at a dive diner off the strip. The place was a wreck, as were the three waitresses, seemingly in their late 20's but looking rather haggard, with that blankness in their eyes of mind-numbing boredom.

"Ready to get onto the evening's festivities," Mike said as he pushed his plate aside and threw his paper napkin on the remains of his Mexicali Platter. "I say we park at Caesar's Palace and walk wherever we want from there."

"Good with me," Mitchell added, glassy-eyed over the rim of his Diet Coke glass before taking a sip. He stared at me, as if assessing me.

I looked at Lee. He stared down at the bun crumbs of the double beef, double cheese hamburger he'd just consumed, then finally looked at Mitch and Mike sitting across the booth from us. "Okay. Here's the deal. I hang for a few hands of poker, show you both a few tricks, then Ray and I are off and away and you're on your own for the night."

His declaration gave me ground, reestablishing our connection and I grasped his hand beside me and held it tightly between us on the sticky plastic bench. Staying at State Line and missing a nice dinner together were minor indiscretions or even possibly miscommunications. The real test of his word was following through to spend the evening with me sightseeing, and not gambling, which he'd just made clear he had every intention of doing. The boys begrudgingly agreed to Lee's terms.

We all shared another joint in the car on the three block ride to Caesar's Palace, but left half of it in the ashtray since the boys, even Lee didn't want to wait to finish it once we parked. I did. We held hands as we walked, and I felt his grip tightened and his pulse quicken when we rounded the corner and saw the garish facade of the casino. As we passed the oblong fountain with giant horses guarding the corners, Lee nodded towards the sculpture on the center pedestal of two men virtually raping a woman, and flashed me a grin, with what looked like pride. His stride became wider, faster as we moved under the columned, layered concrete canopy, then up the few steps towards the entrance. He let go of my hand as we came through the sliding glass doors, and without glancing at the fountain with three topless women, swaggered across the enormous marble lobby and into the casino area. And even very high I knew my knight had vanished. More likely I'd never possessed him at all.

Flashing lights, ringing bells, ticking of spinning roulette wheels assaulted me as the boys and I followed Lee to a craps table. I practically gagged on the choking stench of hard liquor, cigarette and cigar smoke. We went from craps to roulette to baccarat for close to an hour, Lee explaining in fine grain detail the subtleties of the games. It was surreal being in there, the woman among the men, like I was stuck in some 1940s gangster saga, moving in slow motion through the glitz and glitter of it all. But when Lee sat on a stool with Mike and Mitchell at a poker table it felt like he'd hit me. I stood next to him unable to move or even speak, outrage amping my heart, pounding so hard my chest ached.

"Sit," Lee patted the seat next to him. "It's fun. I'll teach you what you need to know."

"No, thanks," I grumbled, practically growled.

"You're going to have to leave the table if you're not playing, Miss," the mid-30s, impeccably stylish dealer said.

"And Lee can't stay either if he doesn't play," Mike said, glancing at me.

"We'll do just a few hands, he'll show us some stuff—" Mitchell added.

"Then I'm yours for the remainder of the evening. Give me half an hour and we're out of here. Promise." Lee shrugged, like what else could he do, then took $80 out of his wallet and put it on the table. The dealer took the bills and gave him four chips.

I wanted to sweep the table clean as I'd done with the weed at his condo months back. But I didn't. I walked away, seething. I was shaking so hard it was difficult to keep moving.

Asshole! Addict. Lee or me? Both.

With no particular place to go I wandered around the noisy, crowded, smoky, flashing bright casino and waited for Lee. The stupid, desperate part of me still clung to the notion he was simply showing his friends some moves in poker as he'd promised, and he'd walk away from the tables in half an hour and meet me as he'd said.

Slot machines were the least offensive and cheapest option I could think of to kill time. I picked one and fed it quarters with a self-imposed $20 limit. About thirty minutes of mindlessly pressing buttons I was up $350 and bored out of my mind. I cashed out and went back to Lee. He was still at the same table I left him with Mike but Mitchell was gone.

"Hey, Ray," Lee said coolly. Suddenly he was Mr. Vegas. Grinning, smug, confident, aloof, untouchable. He put his arm around my waist and drew me close, gave me a little pat on my ass and introduced me to the dealer and three other men at the table as his "little good luck charm." I felt ill. "Havin fun doll?" he asked.

Doll? My skin crawled. "Yeah. Here." I put the cash I'd won on the poker table in front of him. The money felt dirty. I had to get rid of it.

"Well, you ready to learn how to play poker with it?"

"No. You wanta take a walk or something?" I asked as casually as possible.

"Not right now, babe." Babe? "I'm up $2,500 bucks. You're doing pretty well yourself. We can't quit now!" He patted my ass again and returned his attention to the dealer who politely informed me that if I wasn't going to place a bet I'd have to leave the area. I left and walked around the casino, then got a cup of tea at the buffet cafe. Half hour later I went back to Lee. Mike was gone.

"Lee, can we go take a walk now, see the strip, watch the volcano or something."

"Not just yet. Give me a couple more minutes, would ya? I'm down a few hundred. I want to try and make it up." He said it like it was the same as being up $2,500. He wasn't depressed or angry. He was totally and completely absorbed into playing poker. A bullet train could have run through the place and he wouldn't have noticed. "Hey, you went away and I started losing. Stick around and play a hand or two, be my lucky charm?"

"No, thanks." I wanted to scream, You sick sonofabitch! “I'm going for a walk."

"OK. Have a good time," he said as he placed a few chips on the table. "I'll be here."

"I'll bet on that," I walked away, through the maze of tables and machines out of the casino and into the warm October evening.

I walked up one side of the strip and down the other. When I got back to Caesar's Palace an hour later Lee was still at the same table. He was down $1,750. His mood was a little less amicable. He was doing his best to fake it though. "Hi there. Have a good walk?"

He acted like I'd been gone ten minutes. "Yeah. It's nice outside. You wanta come check it out, maybe get dessert somewhere?"

"Maybe a little later."

"Where are Mike and Mitchell?"

"Not sure. Mitch was tapped out, then lost the $50 I fronted him. I gave him my car keys so he could go get high. I haven't seen Mike in a while. They're probably hanging in the car getting buzzed. Why don't you go join em."

"You wanta come?"

"Nah. Not right now. You go ahead though."

"Wanta get a room upstairs and fuck?" The dealer heard me and cracked a smile.

Lee laughed. "Maybe later. Why don't you go catch up with Mitch and Mike for right now."

I couldn't think of anything else to say so I left. I went to the car. Mitch and Mike were inside the Mercedes listening to music and getting high. I felt like I was intruding but by that point I didn't care. We hung out in the car an hour or so talking about Mitchell's music channel and Mike's start-up until I got bored and went back to the casino to find Lee. The smoke tempered my outrage only slightly, but helped me narrow my focus to the moment at hand. It was after 1:00a.m. by then. He was still sitting at the same table playing poker.

"You ready to go. I'm really tired," I said flatly.

"I'm winning here. The last four hands I've made back almost $400 bucks."

"Lee, we've been here almost five hours. I want to go back to the hotel now."

He ignored me for a few minutes while he finished playing his hand. He won. $100 bucks. "See. You are my lucky charm, babe."

"Lee, I want to go."

He looked at me. "Okay. Go find Mike and Mitch, then we'll go."

"Mike and Mitchell are probably still in the car getting high."

"Well, just go make sure they're there because I don't want to spend a lot of time searching for them, Okay?" He wasn't asking.

"Fine." I couldn't exactly lift him from the table so I walked away seething again. When I got to the car the boys were gone. "Fuck!" I said aloud to no one. I went back into Caesar's and found them in the sports area watching thirty or more TVs showing games from that day. Lee joined them just as I did.

"Well, I just about broke even," Lee said as he pulled me into him and held me close with his hand on my waist. "How'd you guys do?" It was a stupid question, knowing the boys had lost to their limit hours ago. "Okay. Tell you what I'm gonna do. I'll put $500 on two games tomorrow. If I win, I'll split the winnings four ways. That way we all win."

Mike and Mitchell loved the idea.

"Split it three ways," I said. "I don't want any part of this. Are we going or what?" Before anyone could say anything I removed Lee's hand and walked away. Lee went to place the bets with Mike and Mitchell following close behind him.

We shared another joint in the car on the way back to our hotel. Mike, Mitchell and Lee chatted about the upcoming games, the point spreads…etc. I didn't say a word. I took hit after hit trying to ignore the burning in my lungs, in my heart, in my guts and in my eyes. I stared out the window so no one would see the tears streaking down my face. Stoned wasn't working. There wasn't a drug on the planet that could get me high enough to mute my intuition repeatedly insisting it was over with Lee.

I wiped my face and eyes on my sweater sleeve as we pulled into the parking lot of the hotel. We said good-night to Mike and Mitchell and went into our room. Lee locked the adjoining door. I went and took a shower. A few minutes later he came into the bathroom and asked if he could join me. The thought of getting intimate with Lee right then literally made me sick. A wave of nausea rose up in my throat I couldn't swallow back. "No. I just need to relax in here by myself for a few minutes, Okay?" I wasn't asking.

"Oh," he seemed surprised. "Yeah, I guess." He left, shutting the bathroom door behind him. A few minutes later he came back in. "You know, Ray, I just want a little affection from you," Lee said through the shower door. "Why are you being such a bitch?"

I got out of the shower, grabbed a towel, wrapped it around me and glared at him. "You completely ignore me all night long while you sat there playing poker after you promised me you weren't going to gamble at all this weekend. 'Just going to show Mike and Mitch some tricks,' you said. Now you want affection? Well, so did I. Where the hell were you all night?"

He stood there staring at me, his full lower lip slightly pouting, eyes and countenance contrite, like a basset hound, or a pudgy little boy being scolded. "I get you're mad at me, and I guess I don't blame you. I took it further out there than I'd planned tonight. I was just trying to show Mike and Mitch a good time.

Bullshit, but I didn't say it. He'd never hear me if I reminded him again of his promise not to gamble at all since he'd cloaked his addiction with the fiction he was being magnanimous.

“I'm sorry, Ray. Really.” He kept his sad eyes on mine, as if trying to penetrate the wall between us. “I want to make it up to you. Tell me what you want and I'll make it happen."

Good question. What exactly did I want from Lee at this point? "For you to be different, or want to be." I sighed heavily and shook my head, went back into our room and put on some clean jeans and another sweater that didn't stink of smoke and booze.

"I really am sorry, Rachel." Tears were streaming down his cheeks now. "I'm sorry I'm not who you want me to be. I really thought I could be. I'm sorry."

He'd broken my heart tonight, and shattered my last remaining delusions of a future together, but it was clear I'd hurt him as well. I suddenly felt bad for being a bitch. He'd acknowledged screwing up, regardless that he wasn't taking responsibility for his inability to reign his behavior. There was no point in continuing to harp on him. Lee was still a boy, masquerading as a man. And I knew this about him from the beginning. I just didn't bother listening to my intuition.

I wanted to get out of there, and away from the twisted characters inhabiting the place. I could feel them through the wall of our room. "Let's get out of here. Go take a drive, look at the night sky." The only good thing about any desert is their endless sky.

We drove north on a small highway for several miles until we were clear of city lights. He lit a joint and offered it to me but I declined. No point. I'd be partaking out of pure habit. Reality grounded me now, and I knew I wouldn't cop a buzz. He parked on the side of the road and we got out and sat next to each other on the warm hood, leaned back against the windshield and stared up at the black velvet dome twinkling with a million tiny diamonds. The Milky Way glowed soft white and arched across the heavens above us. The air was still, cool and dry. We didn't say much, except to point out constellations, and exchange Wows and Look! at the flash of a falling star. We marveled at the vastness of it all, and though I felt his affection, the electric connection between us was gone.

"Is it over? Are we done, Ray?" He'd read my mind again, or maybe just a good guess with my silence.

"Truth is, we were over before we started, Lee," I said grimly.

"We were just having too much fun to care." His delivery was lilted with humor. "So, you're not still mad at me?"

"No. I'm sad we can't make it together, but I'm not mad." I had no energy left to be mad at him anymore.

"Makes me sad too, breaks my heart, actually. I know you hated me when I was playing poker tonight. I hated myself for disappointing you. The truth is, I will again and again. I'll never live up to the potential you see in me."

“I know,” I whispered. And it stung I'd set him up to fail, knowing who he was from day one, whether he did or not. "I'm sorry, Lee. We should never have gone beyond friendship."

A brilliant light streaked across the sky from east to west, leaving behind a blazing white tail for a blink of an eye.

"Look!" Lee shouted, pointing at the light as it disappeared beyond the hills. "Did ya see it?" He was exuberant, his sense of wonder one of the many things I adored about him.

"Yeah. It was beautiful." I stared at the sky in awe hoping for another falling star.

"I really do love you, Ray. And I don't want to lose you. Can we still be friends? At least play racquetball, since you're the best partner I've ever had?" He looked at me but it was too dark to see his expression clearly.

"Right back at ya.” I paused, listening inside for guidance. “But I do believe we're gonna have to cut the cord completely to quit each other, Lee.”

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