Chapter 32
Face was ecstatic to see me when I came in the back door late Sunday afternoon. She had food and water as always, and access to the yard through the doggy door, but it was rare I left her alone overnight. She jumped all over me wagging her tail wildly, whining in greeting. I sat on the kitchen floor welcoming her wet licks of affection. I stroked my dog and we revealed in each other's company a moment. All affection should be this easily exchanged. Ah, to be a dog...
"We're on our own again, baby. No more Lee." I bit my lip to keep from crumbling. “We're done this time. Fait accompli,” I said to Face, who rolled onto her back for a tummy rub.
Pathetic spinster, ugly old maid echoed in my head, as the words always did when I was back to alone. It was time to resume my search for a partner, though the notion of putting on a face for the next 20 dates from ads and fix-ups gave me an instant headache, especially after not wearing one so much of my time with Lee. I was 34 years old, and felt so done competing with all the young cover-girls here. I really had to get out of L.A., away from the menagerie my siesta town had become. I had to ignored my family's continual barrage of devaluing messages that a woman's worth was giving birth. I wanted more— to be more than a sparkly but not too bright wifey. It was time to cut the cord with my parents, from the perceived security they offered and stop allowing them to undermine me. And it was suddenly obvious how to close the chasm between awareness and action.
I got my duffel bag from the closet, packed it with the clothes I'd need. I'd wasted far too much time searching for a man to validate me. The truth was, and had always been, I was going to have to do that for myself. It was time to change the trajectory of my life, to live where I wanted, and become who I wanted to be instead of what I was told by everyone from my mother to the media women should be. With or without a man, kids were doable with the right income, and I'd find a way to make the money to raise a family of my own if need be. My longing for a partner to share life's journey would likely never leave me, but I didn't need a man to save me from Lonely. My imagination did that quite effectively, and it was time to celebrate it. I'd start with writing a novel on this last year with Lee, perhaps be the voice of reason for other women who believe their value comes from fitting into antiquated roles constructed for us, roles we no longer need to remain in.
I called Frankie, told her I was coming up to San Francisco to find a work and a place to live, then asked to crash in her guestroom for a couple of days. She graciously invited me to stay as long as I needed, then asked why I finally decided to make the move up to the Bay. I repeated her words to me a month earlier, “It's about time I stand on my own, create the life I want, right?” I grabbed my portfolio, called Face to come, and we headed out the back door.
I rolled down the window half way as I accelerated onto the 101. The dog stuck her nose out and her jowls flared with the wind. The setting sun reflected the black cover of the notebook I'd left on the dashboard and obscured my view out the windshield, so I moved it to the passenger seat. I noticed writing scrawled across the cardboard back cover from almost a year ago, and laughed at myself for the wisdom I chose to ignore, and swore right then— never again. From here forward, I'd trust my intuition to guide me.
10/26/91
Intuition is a flash of insight. Neither telepathy, nor stroke of divinity, its enlightenment comes from empirical evidence, consciously or unconsciously attained. Intuition may not tell you what you want to hear, but if ignored, you're basically fucking yourself.
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Major depressive disorder (MDD) (also known as clinical depression, unipolar depression, or as recurrent depression in the case of repeated episodes) is a mental disorder characterized by pervasive dark or negative thoughts and persistent low mood that is accompanied by low self-esteem and by a loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities. MDD is a leading cause of suicide.
Studies have shown major depression to be about twice as common in women as in men.
For information, as well as resources for treatment and support for those suffering from depression, please contact The National Institute of Mental Health: http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/depression/index.shtml
or the World Health Organization: http://www.who.int/mental_health/management/depression/en/
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About the Author
J. Cafesin is a novelist of taut, edgy, modern fiction, filled with complex, compelling characters so real they’ll linger long after the read. Her debut novel, Reverb, hit #1 in Kindle Store Contemporary Romance, and #4 overall in Amazon’s Best Sellers Rank during a recent promotion. Recent reviews: “Riveting; Compelling; An original and unique read.” Reverb was also #1 in Read Our Lips Book Reviews 2013 Year In Review.
Other works include her fantasy YA/NA/A crossover series, Fractured Fairy Tales of the Twilight Zone. In Volume #1, Fractured Fairy Tales Meets The Twilight Zone in this collection of four “uniquely captivating,” edgy, fantastical character-driven tales, each sprinkled with a touch of magic, and a powerful message that lingers long after the reads... “5 Stars. Great read for young adults, and even some not-so-young adults!”
The Power Trip (the first in the upcoming techno-thriller series) follows the misanthropic adventures of four Stanford students, who implement an online game in which players manipulate each other using predictive modeling. Due to release summer 2017.
Her essays and articles are featured regularly in national publications. Many of the essays from her ongoing blog have been translated into multiple languages and distributed globally: http://jcafesin.blogspot.com
She resides in the San Francisco Bay Area with her husband/best friend, two gorgeous, talented, spectacular kids, and a bratty, but cute Shepherd pound hound. Find her on her author site: http://jcafesin.com, or on Facebook and Twitter.