PART 1

I have only ever spent one night over at Daniel’s apartment, and that was the night I inadvertently fell asleep in his arms, the night before I was to leave for Water Hills, Constantia; before Ryan and before Mark. By accident. That night was impressed into the one single memory of Daniel that I cling to and regularly find myself drifting back to.

That was the moment I chose because as it turns out, he was the man I should have chosen. Daniel had offered me a lifetime of opportunities to choose him; so much more than I ever deserved to be given. ‘I miss that night.’

I began hankering at how uncomplicated and undemanding we were then. How much simpler my life was, and how I didn’t yet fall into any sort of feelings with Daniel. Or so I thought. Little did I know at the time that that night would turn into the one night that would continuously and heartlessly play out like an old movie reel each night I would fall asleep.

Each morning I would awake, I’d feel as though all the footprints that had led to Daniel was nothing more than a smudge in the mud.

Somehow, I know that I probably will never forget the finest details on his face, or the joy I felt being with him, my fireman. Even though I would never admit it, in hindsight, I fell in love with Daniel the moment he placed those coins in my hand at a corner café in Willow County Mall, the day my life ended, but the day it began again.

When I walked down the steps of the courthouse, the hollowness I felt inside was nothing more than a million pieces of glass that were ripping at my body and my soul. I was a failure. I had failed my marriage and myself.

Little was I to know that Daniel was about to enter my life and without noticing, he managed to save me from myself and remove each shard of glass that was lodged between my heart and my mind.

Naturally, I was a little apprehensive about accepting Daniel’s offer to spend the next few nights in his spare bedroom. I won’t lie, I didn’t like the idea that Lucy would be staying over on what I assumed to be the nights I would be spending there. I knew without a fraction of a doubt, that Daniel had deliberately invited her to save himself from me, and it hurt. The fact that he was convinced that he needed to be sheltered from me, crushed my heart and shattered my spirit.

As though that wasn’t bad enough, picturing exactly what would be going on in the bedroom next to mine, the guest bedroom; the one I would be spending a few nights in, was killing me. I just didn’t want to visualize any of it, but each time the thought crossed my mind, the visions my mind was concocting almost drove me insane.

Each moment Daniel and I had spent together had suddenly turned into agonizing recollections. With each moment I reflected on, a sharp, cutting sensation jabbed at my heart, slicing through me each time. Without intending to, and without noticing, my missed chance with Daniel was turning me into a broken mess.

The most intimate and beautiful moments Daniel and I shared, were the worst. They had become the moments my nightmares were made of. He was my refuge, and I didn’t see it.

Still, while identifying all the emotions that were leaving my heart in a hot mess, I understood where Daniel was coming from. I grasped it. We were like magnets drawn to each other physically, but what I never realized was that Daniel was a one-woman-man, desperate to unite not only in body, but in soul. Intimacy was an expression of love for him, but to me, it was nothing more than passion and lust. I was wrong.

I labelled it as nothing, and I truly believed it would never be anything more, than nothing. For a while, it was nothing more than obsessive encounters. Fulfilling, fantastic, earth-shattering and orgasmic confrontations.

With each passionate juncture with Daniel, I failed to realize that his temperament was luring me, his calming voice was soothing me and his eyes brought me home, time after time. I didn’t want to see it. I didn’t want what Daniel had wanted and while I was encouraging my blindness and my deafening retort, I missed my chance.

It was later than I thought. While I was so busy chasing what I thought I wanted, desperate to ignore the untaught emotions that were crippling me, and while I continuously ignored Bianca’s warnings and Daniel’s pleading eyes, he found Lucy, and I, Ally Bradshaw, didn’t see it. I didn’t expect to wake up to a day that Daniel had found someone else. I didn’t expect to feel so defeated by it all. I lost myself while losing myself to other men when all I really wanted, was what I dreamed of as a little girl; love. With Daniel.

When Daniel showed me into the guest bedroom, I was pleasantly surprised by how warm, comfortable and homey it felt. The walls were painted in a light grey, almost blue hue and the white shaggy carpet was spotless.

The enormous bed in the center of the bedroom was covered in beautiful white linens, and the view from the bedroom window was simply astonishing.

I was convinced that my stay would be nothing short of comfortable, except for having to come face to face with the unwelcomed guest, Lucy woozy. At every turn and at every corner, Lucy woozy was willing and completely able to place a damper on me while messing with my ambiance for the next few days.

I didn’t want to slap a label of aversion or revulsion on her, but there was unquestionably something abnormal about the way I felt about her. There were strong feelings of detestation for her, and yet, there was nothing in the world I could hold against her, other than for the fact that Daniel has had the rug pulled out from under him, by her.

After placing my overnight bag on a dresser across from what would be my bed for the next few nights, I was relieved that Lucy had not pitched up yet. For some alone time with Daniel before she showed up, I quickly scurried down the corridor when I heard him in the kitchen.

“So, I’m going to start looking for another place first thing Monday ... thanks for letting me stay here ...”

“You can stay as long as you like, Ally ... no rush.”

‘No. I can’t. Not here.’

Not with Daniel and most certainly not with Lucy prowling and lurking around every corner of his apartment.

Daniel turned and smiled, “I highly doubt that.”

“Is Lucy on her way?”

“Yeah, she should be here any minute. Speaking of which, I was thinking of just ordering in a pizza tonight ... are you okay with that?”

“You’re not lifting a finger tonight. Not after today ... not after what happened ...”

I was relieved and nodded in agreement. It was a shitty day and I wasn’t really hungry anyways. There was just something about a dead guy, one I was screwing, on my bedroom floor that had a knack of destroying any appetite I might have had, and probably will have for the next few days.

“You two enjoy. I’m not hungry. I just really want to have an early night.”

Daniel walked over to me and gazed restlessly into my eyes before he placed a hand on my cheek.

I nodded again. The way he was asking if I was alright suddenly sent shivers down my spine. A sadness began to creep up inside of me, and my lower lip began shuddering unexpectedly. I suddenly felt raw while gazing intrusively into his eyes. There were traces of sadness and apprehension, but more significantly, there were remnants of love. Love.

Into the very core of me, I turned frosty, as though winter snow was blowing right through my skin, settling into my bones. It suddenly felt as though my entire world had come crashing down on me.

I wanted to answer, but a lump in my throat showed up from almost nowhere. I swallowed with all my might, desperate to fight back the tears that were beginning to shimmer ruthlessly in my eyes.

Only two seconds before, I was cursing Lucy for taking my place in Daniel’s life, as though the confrontation with Mark never happened, but while staring into Daniel’s eyes, all I could think of was Mark’s dead body on my bedroom floor?

“I’m okay. I don’t know what’s gotten into me all of a sudden? I am fine, honestly.”

“No, it’s not, Daniel. This was all my fault. It could have ended so differently, and it would all have been only my fault ... you know that.”

Daniel retreated slightly before he gently wiped the tears that were slowly escaping from the corners of my eyes.

“It’s not your fault. It was Mark’s doing. You couldn’t have known that he was a crooked cop.”

“But, if I wasn’t sleeping with him, none of this would have happened ...”

“Maybe. But then again, Mark would never have been exposed for the twisted criminal that he was. It wasn’t all bad, Ally ... give yourself a break.”

There was suddenly a loud and urgent knock on Daniel’s front door. I knew it was Lucy, but I didn’t want her to see me as vulnerable and sad as I was at that very moment.

“It’s Lucy.”

I bowed my head and nodded slightly, “I know. I’m going to bed. Enjoy your evening.”

“There are fresh towels in your bathroom and the television is in the closet across from your bed. Call me if you need anything, okay?”

I nodded again before I hurriedly made my way back into the guest bedroom. I sat down on the edge of the bed and stared out blankly in front of me. ‘I really need to snap out of this. Mark died. He’s dead.’ He was a bad man. Why was I so sad? Why did I feel as though none of it should ever have happened?

I felt awful. I closed my eyes as I replayed the chaos of only a few hours ago. I could again feel the tears stream down my cheeks and when I opened my eyes, I realized at once that it wasn’t Mark’s dead body on my bedroom floor that was unnerving me; it was the fact that it could have been Daniel instead.

Daniel could have died. Daniel could have been seriously injured. Daniel saved me. Daniel saved my life. All my emotions; the tears, the sadness, the anxiety, was all because of the what-if’s that had begun running around wildly in my mind. It was all about Daniel.

I got up from the bed, and walked over to my overnight bag. I took out a T-shirt and a pair of track pants before I grabbed my mobile phone and I quickly scurried into my bathroom. It was spotless and oh so white and bright. Everything was white except for a bunch of flowers in a glass vase on the vanity. Towels were neatly stacked on a shelf in the corner of the bathroom and on the edge of the bath was another glass vase filled with bath salts.

This was the type of thing that made me happy. A man who had pride in not only himself, but in his home. A fireman’s pride. A damn sensual one too.

I quickly opened the taps and while waiting for the bath to fill, I glanced down at my mobile phone.

‘Ally Wally! Feel like a movie?’ It was Bianca and she knew nothing about the events that unfolded only a few short hours ago.

‘Hey ... not tonight. I’m over at Daniel’s place. What about your date?’

‘Nah. We had a disagreement.’

‘Already?’

‘Wait? You’re at Daniel’s place?’

‘Oh Bianca, I really need to see you.’

‘What happened?’

‘Mark’s dead. Michael was in jail. So was Lily. Daniel nearly died. My apartment is a crime scene, and I can’t go home.’

‘No but thank you. Lucy woozy is here. I’m in for an early night. Can we spend the day together tomorrow?’

‘Would love to. You okay, Ally?’

‘I will be. I just want to sleep for a while.’

‘Michael? What now?’

“Michael? Is everything alright?”

“Hi Ally. Everything’s fine, thank you.”

He sounded better than he did only a short while ago. Different, but better. Michael sounded gentler and more relaxed than the last time we spoke.

That’s true. From the moment Michael and I set foot in Willow County, I had always wanted to live in a cottage out by the lake. Michael on the other hand, wouldn’t budge and insisted we live in some or other high rise in the dead center of town.

“I know it’s weekend and all, but with all that happened, I went into the office to catch up on a few things and came across a listing. It’s a beautiful cottage on the lake and selling at half its value.”

“Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why half its value?”

“Oh, right. The owner lost her husband and child in a motor vehicle accident a short while ago. She just wants to leave the city and move back to her family but she wants the house sold before she goes.”

“I thought that ... with what went down at your place, you might be looking for another place?”

I was looking for another place, but I wasn’t looking to buy a home right at that very moment. I wasn’t even quite sure or convinced that I was responsible enough for a cottage and all the responsibilities that came with owning a house.

Still, I had always wanted to live by the river and the idea suddenly filled me with animation and unpredicted excitement. The idea of owning real property; a garden, land, a real home and possibly a little bit of a lake was pleasantly overwhelming.

“I’d love to see it?”

“Great. I can show it to you tomorrow?”

“Thanks Michael ... is 11am good?”

“Perfect. Should I pick you up?”

“147 Weeping Willow Drive.”

‘Ooh, I like that.’

“Okay. Got it. Thanks Michael.”

“You’re welcome, Ally. Sleep well.”

“Thank you, you too.”

I slipped into the bath and laid back. I closed my eyes and when my mind drifted back to the day’s events, I quickly opened them again.

I didn’t want to think of Mark Warren dead on my bedroom floor. Each time I closed my eyes, it felt as though the blood had stained my eyes and was burnt into my memories. The bullet wound was small and barely bleeding. By the amount of blood seeping out from underneath him, I knew the exit wound was far more damaging than the ragged entry wound.

I wanted to be normal again. I was Ally Bradshaw, dammit. While reliving the events for what felt like the umpteenth time, I decided that Mark’s death was not going to define me, or change my life. Losing Daniel was a done deal. I missed my chance.

I wasn’t looking for love when it struck, and I hated the defenselessness and anguish that it brought with it. I wanted to go back to before. I was still thirty-one, for a bit, and I was still the newly-single girl from the court steps; I was still Ally Bradshaw.

I felt calmer after a long, hot bath and when I made my way back into the bedroom that Daniel referred to as mine, the silence that rang out through the apartment was deafening.

Perhaps, they were in bed already. The idea once again left me cringing. They. Bed. I could just imagine her curling up beside him while his strong, muscular arms altogether consumed her tiny frame. I immediately discarded any thoughts of Daniel and Lucy and thought of the pizza Daniel had ordered for dinner. When I opened my bedroom door, there was nothing but darkness in front of me. ‘They must be in bed. They.’

I tiptoed down the passage and when I walked into the kitchen, I quickly made my way around to the fridge. When I opened it, the light of the fridge was the only light reflecting in the kitchen. ‘Aah ... four seasons.’ I grabbed a slice and glanced down at my wrist watch.

‘1.15am? Really? Was I in the bath for that long?’ I took a bite out of the slice of pizza and closed the fridge’s door. When I turned around, I gasped for air and nearly dropped the pizza on the floor. As though he had appeared out of nowhere, Daniel was standing in front of me, and he scared the living daylights out of me.

“Just hungry. Sorry. I hope I didn’t wake you?”

“Don’t be ... and you didn’t.”

Daniel opened the door and took a slice for himself before he shifted onto a stool at the kitchen counter. I slid onto a stool beside him and took another bite out of my pizza slice. We sat in silence for a moment before Daniel turned to me,

“You can stay as long as you like, Ally. I meant what I said earlier. There is absolutely no rush.”

I stared at him. ‘I know I can.’ I just didn’t want to. Not with Lucy, the newly appointed crusader of his heart.

“Really?”

“Yep. It’s a little cottage down by the river.”

He shook his head and took another bite out of his pizza.

“That’s quick. Do you want me to come with you?”

‘Yes. I do.’

“No, that’s okay. I told Bianca I’d spend the day with her, so I’ll just ask her to come with me.”

Daniel nodded and when he finished the last of his pizza, he turned himself around to face me. He didn’t say anything. He did nothing more than stare blankly at me. It was as though he was desperately trying to say something, but he just couldn’t find the words.

I placed my slice of pizza on the counter top. I couldn’t ignore the sudden powerlessness that again, began creeping up on me. I looked over at him, and when I saw the expression in his eyes, I was instantly putty in his hands. I wanted Daniel’s arms around me. I wanted his lips on mine. I wanted his hands on me. I wanted Daniel with all my heart.

I got up and wedged myself in between his legs. I slowly took his face into my hands and bent down just enough for our lips to meet. For a moment, it crossed my mind that he could very well reject me and my advances, but I didn’t care. I wanted to try. I wanted Daniel, for me, for just a moment.

When his lips touched mine, my eyes searched for any signs in his to tell me that it was okay. I hunted his approval and I equally yearned for his hunt of me. For the first time since I had met Daniel, I just couldn’t tell what he was feeling, and when he frowned, I was instantly beleaguered by fear.

As I stood waiting for Daniel to scold me, he unexpectedly kissed me back, and when he placed his arms around me, he pressed me forcefully against him. I gradually climbed onto his lap and placed my arms firmly around him.

His tongue was circling mine while his lips were pressed firmly against my mouth. His breathing grew slightly exerted when his hands began exploring my body. As he began to stir below me, my hand went in search of Daniel’s magnificence, and when I found him, it felt as though I had just won a million bucks. I had just slipped my hand in below his boxer shorts when he recoiled, and suddenly pushed me away.

I didn’t want to stop. I didn’t care that Lucy was fast asleep in his bed. I didn’t care that she might have heard us. I had not a care in the world, other than feeling Daniel intimately close to me.

I whispered hoarsely, desperate to finish what we had started. I wanted to recapture the us and the we that we once were. I wanted to be the queen of his heart, body, mind and soul just once more. I wanted Daniel to want me again

I turned away from him, unable to look him in the eye. I felt discarded. Rejected. Unwanted.

“We can’t do this anymore.”

“I know ...”

I murmured in disappointment before I took what was left of my slice of pizza and quickly made my way into the guest bedroom. I collapsed onto the bed and could no longer ignore the tears that were streaming from my eyes.

Only Daniel was able to cause me such heartache with nothing more than uttering just a few words. For so long, he had kept my heart warm and sheltered. But, only a few moments before, did he turn on the coldness to entirely shut me down. With what felt like a new wound being added to my collection of scars, I reminded myself one more time that I was Ally Bradshaw, newly-single.

It was at least another three hours before the sun would make its appearance. I couldn’t wait to feel the warmth embrace my face. I closed my eyes, and for just an instant, I imagined Daniel wrapping his arms around me and showering me with the same warmth all over my body.

THERE WAS FAINT KNOCK on my bedroom door. To be honest, I wasn’t sure if it was real, or if I was dreaming? I sluggishly opened my eyes and peered out over the covers.

It took me a minute of utter disorientation to realize where I was. I woke up feeling bewildered and massively out of place. I was not in my bed, and not in my apartment.

It suddenly struck me again. My apartment. Mark. Dead. When I heard the second knock, I sat straight up in bed,

‘We? Fuck you, Lucy woozy.’ In my defense, I am not a morning person. At all. She placed the coffee mug on the pedestal next to me before she sat down at the end of the bed.

“Isn’t it just a beautiful day today? Daniel says you’re going to look at a place out by the river.”

I was never a morning person and there was nothing like the joy and happiness radiating from a perfect little Barbie wannabe to flip my own bitch switch. I was staring at her and imagining hurling that warm cup of coffee in her face.

“Well, you know you can stay as long as you like. Daniel and I are happy to have you.”

‘Daniel and I?’

This bitch was working on my last nerve.

“Thank you. You are too kind.”

I hoped it sounded less crude than I meant it to be. I was doing all I could to control the sudden violent urges and deathly images making its way into my every thought.

“Anyway, we are spending the day at my parents’ place. If you need anything, just call. See you tonight?”

She got up and quickly, flicked back her long blonde hair. There was no mistaking or underestimating Lucy’s beauty, and she knew it. To be honest, I was pretty sure that Barbie was fashioned around her. Perfect. Wealthy. Educated. *Urgh*

I made a valiant effort to remain cool, calm and collected when what I really wanted to do was grab the lamp on the pedestal next to me and smash her head in from behind, killing her instantly. Well no, I didn’t want her dead, of course, I just wanted her in a coma for a couple of years.

When Lucy walked out, the spring in her step was almost infuriating. Under normal circumstances, I knew that she was not a bad person. But at that very moment, she was the enemy and there was absolutely nothing normal about her.

I swallowed down the cup of coffee in one gulp. It was cold. Horrible. It was Lucy’s coffee and it was awful. As perfect and polite as she was, Miss Woozy couldn’t make a cup of coffee to save her life.

I slid out of bed and instantly dressed myself in a pair of ripped jeans and a warm sweater. After I slipped into a pair of sneakers, I brushed my teeth and hair almost in one motion.

When I had made my bed, I snuck out and quickly dashed down the corridor. I just had to get out of there. I had barely reached the front door when I heard Daniel behind me,

“Good morning. I ... am just on my way to Bianca’s place.”

“Are you sure you don’t want me to tag along?”

“And spoil your day with your future in-laws? Never.”

I have never been able to successfully present myself in a diplomatic or tactful manner, but I have also never been one for sarcasm, until right then.

Daniel glowered as he stood holding his cup of coffee. Awful coffee. He was dressed in a pair of faded jeans, a white button-up shirt and his leather jacket. Gorgeous.

“Alright. Let me know how it goes?”

“Yep. I’ll see you tonight, then?”

Daniel turned around and made his way into the kitchen. When I reached his front door, it suddenly dawned on me, I had no car.

I stood as though frozen in time and slightly embarrassed. My car was still at the apartment and Daniel probably knew that. ‘Is he playing me? What now?’

Turning around as swiftly as I wanted to leave, I knew I could do only one of two things; ask Daniel for a ride back to my apartment or call Bianca to pick me up. If I opted for the latter, I’d be dependent on her for transport for the rest of the day.

With what felt like my tail between my legs, I tiptoed into the kitchen. Daniel was sitting at the kitchen counter, scanning through the pages of the Sunday newspaper, pretending not to notice me at first.

“Let me guess? You don’t have a ride?”

He burst out laughing before he grabbed his car keys, “Come on ...”

Daniel brushed past me and stopped when he reached the living room, “Luce ... I’m taking Ally to get her car. See you in twenty!” He hollered down the passage.

She called out from the bedroom. His bedroom. Her voice irritated the shit out of me. I followed Daniel down to his truck that was parked in the parking lot, and when he opened the passenger door for me to climb in, I felt like such an idiot for trying to slip out, without being seen or even as much as being noticed.

“Thanks Danny ...”

“You are very welcome, Miss Bradshaw.”

While driving the short distance back to my apartment, I couldn’t help but glance over at Daniel every chance and opportunity I could steal.

There was a sudden and unexpected urge to absorb all there was to soak up about him once again. I was deathly afraid that not too far from that moment, I might be forced to disregard all that was significant about him.

As though panic had begun to invade me, I was frantic to recall the way his dimples formed around his mouth when he smiled. The manner in which he blew air from his mouth up at his forehead when he would become lost for words was something I thought I was noticing for the very first time.

I looked over at him as often as I could. That was my moment with him, one that would be lost not too far from that day. He smelled as though a little bit of Heaven had landed between us. Too often I was tempted to place my hand on his leg, tell him to pull over and rip his clothes off him.

I needed Daniel a little more than I wanted him and when we finally pulled up at my apartment building, the memory of what had taken place less than twenty-four hours before, once more began to haunt and taunt me incessantly.

“Are your keys inside?”

Daniel whispered croakily when he turned to me.

“Yes.”

“I’ll go get them ...”

‘This man.’ That was the fireman I let slip through my fingers and I could kick myself for it. I again tried to discard my emotions, desperate to put what ‘could-have-been’ behind me. Everything felt different. Willow County felt different, Daniel was different and a different me was beginning to remove all traces of the Ally Bradshaw that I was only a few weeks ago.

“That’s okay ... I’m not sure where I left my keys ...”

“Well, then I’ll go up with you ...”

I smiled before I climbed out of his truck. Daniel got out and quickly made his way over to me before he took my hand and firmly squeezed it. I looked back at him and smiled. Unexpected misery and gloom began to creep up on me all of a sudden. I couldn’t quite place the chaos assaulting my entire self, and the noisiness in my head had become deafening. More than all the untaught emotions that were immersing me, was the fear of ultimately and finally losing Daniel. My heart cried a little causing my emotions to swirl around a little faster and become increasingly chaotic.

We rode the elevator in silence and when we reached the front door of my apartment, I was immediately caught off-guard by the yellow ‘crime scene’ tape blocking my front door.

Daniel took my apartment keys from me and quickly unlocked the front door. He bent down and slipped into my apartment underneath the tape. I followed him in and glanced around at what was no longer my home or safe place.

It no longer felt like home. There was a stench in the air that sickened me almost to death. It was no longer my home, and had turned into the place that had abandoned my safety.

Only a day before, a man was murdered, making way for at least twenty strange police officers invading my space and privacy. I hesitantly strolled into the kitchen and with a sigh of relief, I spotted my car keys on the counter at once.

“Got it.”

I turned back and scurried through the front door.

“Are you sure you don’t want anything else here, Ally?”

“No. I just need to get out of here.”

My breaths grew shorter. I felt sickened and from the very pit of my stomach, I felt fear and nausea immerse me all at once. Daniel swiftly made his way to me and placed his hands on my shoulders.

“Ally, you look like you’ve seen a ghost?”

“I just need to get out of here, Danny ...”

Daniel grabbed my hand and led me away from my apartment. When we reached the elevator, I inhaled with all my might just to breathe in one small breath of fresh air. I could never return to that apartment, ever again.

When we finally reached the ground floor, Daniel stepped out of the elevator and held out his hand to me. His beautiful, strong, rough hand was ready to take mine into his. I rested mine in his, and walked out with him as he firmly squeezed it every once in a while.

My car was parked in the parking lot, his was parked out in the road. I didn’t want him to walk me to my car, but I was still edgy and consumed by fear.

He placed an arm around my shoulders as we slowly made our way into the parking garage. When we finally reached my car, Daniel took my keys and unlocked the door for me.

I turned back to him and as though in a wandering daze, I instinctively rested my head in his chest. Home. This was where I belonged. This was where I wanted to be. This was the man, the fireman my heart was fighting for, but that I had fought against for so long.

He placed his arms around me and held me snugly against him. Breathing him in once more left me desperately afraid that in a short while from that moment, I might never smell Daniel into my soul again.

I slipped my arms around him and held onto him as though he would be gone by morning. There was nothing mysterious or foreign about Daniel, and nowhere else in the world I would rather have been. I no longer cared whether I might be forgotten and discarded in the morning; all I was certain of was my irrepressible craving to spend only one more moment with him.

Into my soul, I knew that there would never be a replacement for Daniel, and all that I needed at that very moment was to reconnect with him just one more time. I rummaged through my emotions just to feel alive again, and I was prepared to accept anything he could offer me, no matter how diminutive.

I would cancel each plan with anyone for a moment like that with Daniel Sotherby and when I looked up at him, he was looking down at me. I impulsively lifted myself onto my toes and kissed him gently. My heart thrashed wildly in my chest when I felt his lips on mine again. I reached out for him and took his face into my hands before I gently kissed him again.

Kissing Daniel had turned into the one emotion I identified with, and at the same time, I could never get enough of, or become accustomed to. I could never tire of Daniel’s lips pressed against mine as I grew progressively more desperate for the comfort his lips offered me.

There was no other feeling in the world comparable to Daniel’s lips against mine and like two missing, but final puzzle pieces slotted into place, my world once again stood still. Obliterating each thought, each fear and every single reservation I had about myself, my doubts were instantly dismissed, and I was locked into the moment with Daniel.

I ran my hand through his hair as I savored all there was about this fireman, even if it was for only one more time. I missed my chance, I knew that, but I was clutching at anything I could and everything he was willing to offer me before I lost him forever. He retreated slightly, still holding me firmly in his arms,

“Daniel ... don’t say anything. Just let me have this ... just for a minute more ...”

I leaned in again and pushed myself determinedly against his chest. All I wanted was to hear his heartbeat and feel his chiseled chest against my cheek.

“I know I missed my chance, Danny ... I know. I just can’t let you go ... I don’t want to. I don’t know how ...”

Daniel seized me against him and held me tighter.

“I’m not ready to let you go just quite yet, Ally ...”

“Then, give us one more last chance Danny ... I know I said I wasn’t looking for love, and I know I tried to ignore it and push you away, but ... Danny, I made a mistake. Please give us one more last chance ... I am begging you ...”

When I looked up at him, the wretchedness in his eyes was nothing short of demoralizing.

“I can’t do that to Lucy, Ally. I want to. God, you have no idea how badly I want to choose you ... but I can’t do that to her. I’m not that guy ...”

The tears were once again stinging in my eyes.

‘Lucy. Again. Lucy.’

“I swore to her that there was nothing between you and I. That there never was ... I’m not this guy, Ally. I cannot betray her like that ...”

“Ally, I love you. What I told Mark Warren, was true. I lied to you about loving you, and I tried to lie to myself. I care so deeply for you and I am pretty sure that if it was in another time, or if things were different ... or if Lucy wasn’t in the picture ...”

“You don’t have to explain, Danny. I know this is all on me ... I did this. I pushed you away and in the process, I opened the door for Lucy. I know.”

It was all me. I betrayed Daniel. I didn’t want him when he offered himself to me over and over again, and now that Lucy had him, it was too late. At the same time, I didn’t want to hear Daniel talk about us as though we never were anything that mattered. I didn’t want to dwell on what ‘could-have-been’ and if only I had come to my senses at ‘another time’. I didn’t want to hear it.

I felt that way now. My heart hurt now. My soul was crushed now. I loved him, now. It took me weeks, and a few frogs to kiss after him to realize that I loved him, now. When I closed my door, I turned to him one more time. I didn’t want to cry in front of him. I didn’t want Daniel to punish himself for my tears. Instead, I smiled and turned the ignition. I hurriedly pulled out of the parking lot, and when I drove away from my apartment building, I gave myself permission to cry freely.

I had to step back from Daniel and allow him sufficient breathing space to process all that had happened not only between us, but with Mark. He too was processing and I was hopeful that he would eventually pardon me for my inexcusable betrayal.

Perhaps, time and distance was precisely what Daniel needed, just like I did, and I hoped that once enough time had passed, he would ultimately excuse me my terrible behaviour and realize that Lucy was not who he had wanted in the first place. ‘I hope so.’