DAY
10

Wednesday…

I didn’t budge for the whole night, and when I woke, I could feel that Toby hadn’t either. In the few magical moments between sleep and waking, I felt more peaceful, calm and safer than I had ever before in my whole life. I felt protected in his arms, and I didn’t want to stir because the feeling would end. Toby took a deep breath. I felt his whole chest expand, and he yawned loudly.

“Morning, beautiful. Did you sleep well?” He sat up with a satisfied grin on his face.

“Ya,” I answered absentmindedly as I got up and went to sit at my desk.

“I stayed awake the whole night thinking, and I was reminded of this one dream I’ve had where I was in this meadow…” he continued, but I had stopped listening.

Instead, I was looking for an empty book to write in. I managed to find a half-used binder. “Oh, ya?” I responded as he paused for a response, but I was too busy removing the used papers from the book. I found a purple marker. On the inside of the front cover I wrote in bold print “good,” then on the first page I scribbled down my joy of waking in Toby’s arms.

When I was finished, I swung around and he was saying, “And the best part was not feeling any guilt and no pain! It was like it was completely gone!”

“That does sound good,” I agreed.

“It really was.” His chocolate eyes danced.

The morning, at least that last half hour of it, went by without a hitch. After breakfast, Toby suggested that we take a walk. He seemed to be restless, so I agreed.

Mature trees and numerous green spaces surrounded the complex I lived in. There were large areas of well-cared-for grass surrounded by shrubs. In some directions we had hills to climb and in others it was flat, but in any direction we were well served with pathways and benches to sit on. Usually when school was out, they’d be filled with kids playing, and on the weekends people would gather in them. At the back of our building complex was the river, along which ran a path. We took this path.

About three blocks away, we were passing one of the many outdoor mini-malls. Toby scanned the shops, and grabbing my arm, pointed to the hair salon. “What about a haircut?” he asked.

“Haircut?” I repeated, catching sight of my frizzled hair as it lightly fluttered past my face from the breeze. “I don’t cut my hair,” I stated, “I only trim it.”

“Why?” he asked.

I told him the only reason I had. “I was told once that fat girls look better with long hair.”

Toby stood away from me and inspected me up and down. “I disagree on two things.” He held his fingers up to frame my face. “First, you’re not fat. And second, I think you’d look really great with shoulder-length hair.” I wrinkled my brow; my hair reached all the way down to my hips, so I really wasn’t sure. “Can you trust me on this?” he persisted.

“Well…” I began, but he cut me off.

“Please, Mariah. I know you’d look great. Your hair being so long makes you look too mature and serious. And I know if it was shorter, it would be easier to take care of.”

Looking down, I caught my shadow. My hair was already a big mess, even with the minimal amount of wind that blew.

“Come on, just give it a try.” He took my arm and started to guide me to the salon. “I know you’re going to love it!” I didn’t protest and allowed him to usher me forward.

As we stepped in the door, a bell chimed; it was a sweet inviting sound. At the front door was a waiting area, but instead of chairs there was an assortment of soft stools. A curtain that was only partly drawn sectioned off the waiting area. In front of the curtain was a small high table that barely accommodated the old fashioned cash register placed on it. A stool stood empty beside it. Behind the curtain I could see one salon chair with a large personalized mirror in front of it. The mirror looked like it had feather boas glued on it. It looked more like a room in someone’s home than a professional boutique, and I think that was what helped me to relax.

“Hello. Can I help you?” a young woman said as she appeared from behind a curtain. She was just over five feet tall and very slender; her hair was red and very short. It looked to be only three inches long, and she wore it in spikes with several barrettes pinned all about her head. She wore bright pink and purple eye shadow, and her lips were covered with bright pink lipstick. Her cheeks sparkled with a light dusting of what looked like fairy dust.

I smiled. “I’d like to have a hair…” I choked out the word, “cut.”

She smiled back. “Are you sure about that?” When I didn’t answer right away, she said, “My name is Molly. Now, are you sure you want a haircut?”

“No,” I admitted. “But my friend,” I snuck a sideway glance at Toby, “says I’d look nice if I….”

“Got it cut shoulder-length and had it layered,” he coaxed, and I repeated it to Molly.

She cocked her head sideways and squinted. “Yes,” she finally said, “I agree. You would look absolutely stunning.” She stood up straighter and asked, “Do you want to try?”

“Can I take it back if I don’t like it?” I answered.

This made both Toby and Molly laugh, which helped ease the tension in my neck.

“No,” Molly said. “I can’t undo a haircut. But I will promise that I won’t let you leave until you are completely satisfied.”

I still felt nervous, but I allowed her to guide me to a chair in front of a porcelain sink that had an indented groove for my neck, and she began to wash my hair. She had a way of talking about nothing in particular but making it sound fascinating. She chatted about becoming a hairdresser—something she’d wanted to do since she was nine.

She explained that when she worked in other people’s salons, she’d felt rushed to just cut hair, and now that she finally had her own, she really felt free to create—like she was an artist of people.

The more she talked, the better I felt, so when she was done washing and moved me to the seat in front of the full length mirror, and took my long swooping hair in her hand then held the scissors up to it, I didn’t jump up and run out of her shop, but I did flinch.

“Are you ready for this?” she asked, swinging the chair around so I was now facing her.

“I think I am,” I whispered. I looked down at my chest, where my hair fell in ringlets: my hair was my identity. I felt like I was losing myself. Would it be so bad to loose my old identity? I wondered. Could I create a new one? “I want to be,” I said, bracing myself. “Just do it quickly.”

“Alright.” Molly stood back a moment. “Do you want to watch?” I shook my head, and she kept the chair where it was, then moved behind me and began. Toby kneeled in front of me and held my hand. I just closed my eyes.

“You have the most beautiful hair,” Molly cooed as I felt her work a brush through the wet strands. “It must be a bit challenging to manage at times, though.” I agreed. “You know, I could teach you some tricks and secrets to keep it looking controlled for longer.” I liked that idea. “My sister has hair like yours, and she’s always being asked to be a hair model. Once she let it grow long then darn near cut the whole mess off so she could donate it to be made into a wig; it was auctioned off for charity, and hers got highest bid.”

I opened my eyes; a large amount of my hair lay on the ground, and more and more was being added to it as she worked. Toby watched her work. He seemed to be pleased with the progress. Finally Molly came to stand in front of me. She took a strand of hair from either side of my face and pulled them straight, and then she did the same several more times at different spots on my head.

“I think we’re done,” she announced. “Are you ready to have a look?” She didn’t wait for a reply. Instead she gently swiveled the chair until I faced the mirror.

My mouth fell open. My hair seemed to be more curly, and less of a frizzled mess. It shone like happy, healthy hair, and when I moved my head, it seemed to bounce. But even more stunning was the way it framed my face so my cheeks didn’t look as chubby.

“Oh, Mariah!” Toby exclaimed, stepping forward to stand beside me and look from my reflection to me. “You’re so…”

“You seem to have a shadow on your shoulder,” she said.

“A what?”

“A shadow.” She moved to the side of me where Toby had been standing and brushed my shoulder. “Hmmm,” she said to herself and stepped back. “I could have sworn I saw something…” With a quick shrug, she looked over at me. “Never mind—do you like it?”

I stood up and gave my head a shake. The Mariah I looked like now wasn’t as frightened or quite as desperate as the one I had looked at for so many years before today. Gratitude welled up, and I gave Molly a hug. I was surprised at myself, but she took it in stride and hugged me back.

“Now my work is done,” she said softly in my ear.

I would have paid her anything, but all she wanted was fifteen dollars for the haircut. Then she spent over forty minutes showing me how to style my hair and which products to use. I bought everything she suggested, and she insisted on giving me a discount.

As we walked home, Toby kept sneaking glances at me when he thought I wasn’t looking. I beamed; I liked it when he looked at me like that. I tidied, organized, did my homework and took a long shower, then styled my hair and even applied a moderate amount of make-up. Looking at my reflection, I was impressed. Even with the red marks spattered across my chest and arms, I didn’t think I looked so bad. But as I primped and prepared, Toby seemed to get more and more agitated. He rubbed his neck at an increasing rate. Finally, I was ready to get dressed, so we went to my room to pick out clothes.

“What about this one?” I asked, holding up the same shirt for the fifth time.

Toby shook his head. “We don’t have any other options?”

We had only bought three shirts, and anything old he refused. “These are our only options,” I assured him. “But are you certain about the pants?” I felt my face fall when he nodded his head. The pants were made of stretchy denim, so they clung to my every bump and flaw. I felt totally exposed in them. “What are you trying to do?” I asked.

Toby looked at me with an apology in his eyes. “I want him to look at you and be so distracted that he won’t be able to think of anything else.” He flushed and looked away.

“You must be dreaming,” I scoffed, looking down at myself. I stood wrapped in a towel, and though I felt my upper body was improving, the bulge at my abdomen hadn’t gone anywhere; it was still massive.

“No.” Toby picked up the first shirt. “You can do it.” He held it out to me, made a face and dropped it again. “It’s just going to take you doing something that you’ve never done before.” Toby looked over his shoulder at my door.

“What?” I picked up the middle shirt and held it up to my chest.

He shook his head again. “That one looks nice, but the collar is too low, and your spots will show.”

“Then what?” I asked, feeling prickly, not because of my bites but because of the way Toby kept looking over at my closed door made me feel panicked.

“You are going to have to look a bit like…” he stopped and turned back to me.

“A hooker?” I asked.

Toby coughed so hard, he almost fell over. “No! No, not flashy. Tony would never be distracted by ‘show’; no, you need to look classy.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, you need to wear something very much like what your mother does.”

I slumped to the bed and held my face in my hands, a feeling of squeamishness dancing through my gut. I didn’t want to look like her. I’d rather look like a hooker!

“The other night, you got Tony’s attention. He noticed you, and I wasn’t even planning it. I hadn’t remembered him yet. But he didn’t see you as anything more than a plaything; something to amuse him for the moment then discard when he’d conquered you. I want him to see you as the bright and sophisticated person you are, and for him to notice you that way, you’ve got to dress the part.”

“My mom keeps her room locked,” I said, hoping that would make him give up on the idea.

“Let’s try it. If the door doesn’t open, then I’ll come up with a different plan.”

“First tell me what you hope to accomplish tonight.”

“Well, I want you to get him alone…”

“Alone!” I interrupted, feeling insulted. “I had him alone when he drove me home the other night! Why couldn’t I have said something to him then?”

“Two reasons: first, I hadn’t asked you yet; and second, that night all he had on his mind was how fast he could score. I need him to see you as something more.” I was offended by his accusation. “Trust me, he’s not interested in you in the right way, yet. If you were to tell him anything now, it wouldn’t stick.”

As if in a dream, I followed Toby to my mother’s bedroom door. I couldn’t remember the last time I had gone into her room, with or without her there. As he turned the knob and it opened, I held my breath. Walking over the threshold, I felt like I was breaking a law.

My mom’s room was twice as big as mine, with a queen-sized bed centered along the wall to my right. There was a closet that took up a quarter of the room and a nook where my mother had placed her desk. Her room looked well lived-in, with clothes discarded all around and many books and papers among them. The huge window didn’t let in much light because of the hedge that grew outside it.

Toby stood with his head in my mother’s closet. Most of her clothes were formal suits and dress skirts for work. I rarely saw her in anything else. Once or twice she’d come out of her room in pajamas, but I couldn’t remember her dressing up. She must have, since she would go out almost every weekend with her girlfriends. I sat gingerly on the edge of her mattress.

“Ah-ha!” Toby called out triumphantly. “I think I found it.”

He pulled a red top from my mother’s closet and held it up. It had shiny elastic material around the bust and looked like an empress waistline with several strips of material flowing down. I took it, feeling very unsure about the whole thing. Then without a word, I went back into my room to change.

The top was tight and made of Lycra that went from my wrists all the way up to the short V-neck. It clung to my skin, revealing my bust without actually showing anything. The strips of material turned out to look rather flattering. With the way they seemed to float, there was no real way of telling how much excess weight I had hidden under them. The pants did a good job of holding everything in place, making my legs appear shapelier than I had ever seen them. Overall I was really impressed with how I looked.

Finally I gave Toby permission to turn around; when he did, he just stood looking at me. I started to feel nervous. “Toby, am I going to be safe tonight?”

“Safe?” he asked, confused.

“Well, by the way you can’t seem to talk your eyes off me, I was wondering if Tony was going to have the same response and try to act on it with more persistence then the other night?”

Toby finally managed to turn away. “You know I want him to take a real interest in you.”

“But what if that just makes him want to score more?”

“He probably will,” he muttered more to himself, and then turning to face me again, he added, “But I’ll be there. I’ll make sure nothing happens.” I reached up to my arm and started to scratch. He grabbed my hand to stop me.

“How can you be sure? You’ve been there all along, and you haven’t been able to stop everything every time!”

“This one is different,” he assured. “I know that if you do what I tell you to, it will all work out.”

I nodded as the memory of Tony’s hand on my back, around my waist, and playing with my hair flashed in my mind. I still longed for him to kiss me, but just a kiss, nothing more. What if he wanted more? What if I couldn’t resist? Would one kiss interfere with Toby’s plans? I looked over at Toby—he was smiling at me. Would he be smiling if he knew what I was thinking?

I went to the washroom to get a better idea of how I looked: I stood transfixed in front of my reflection; it was like I had morphed into a whole other person. With my hair shorter, it made me look like a bouncy person. The make-up seemed to make my eyes sparkle. I couldn’t help but feel prettier as I looked at myself.

The bus ride seemed to take forever. I quietly asked Toby when the bowling started, and he promised that I’d be late, but he wanted me to be, so I could make an entrance. And I did. It was ten past seven when I walked in, a full forty minutes after the games had begun. I had to concentrate hard just to breathe.

“Walk slowly,” Toby said. “Go to the table just off to the side of Tony’s lane.” I looked around, taking slow steps. “He’s at lane two—do you see him?”

Toby didn’t need to point him out to me. I had caught sight of him the moment I walked through the front door, but despite myself, my breath caught as I watched him. As I passed each lane, everyone present would stop playing and look at me. I felt my knees wobble.

“Don’t worry, just keep going.” Toby reached over and placed his hand firmly on my back. It seemed to give me the strength I needed to steady myself.

As I passed the front desk, Mack looked up and whistled. I nodded and kept on going. I had my destination in sight, and I was silently coaxing myself to make it there.

Tony hadn’t noticed me yet. He was too involved in his game, but as I drew closer, Larry nudged him, and he finally looked over. He was just standing to take his turn, but when he looked my way, he seemed temporarily paralyzed.

“Gonna play?” Sam asked. He had just finished throwing. “Come on, man! Grab your balls!”

Tony reluctantly tore his eyes from me and went over to the ball dispenser, but he looked back once he had picked one up.

“Beautiful, it’s working.” I could feel Toby’s excitement.

I stopped at the table, and with a great deal of effort, gracefully sat myself down in one of the seats. Tony finally turned to take his shot. It bounced twice and hit the gutter before it had made it to the midway point in the lane.

“Yes!” Toby whooped and did a small jump. “We’ve got him now!”

I smiled, still looking toward Tony’s lane. I felt happy with who I was, sort of.

Tony turned back to look at me quickly but didn’t linger long. Instead he picked up his second ball and tried to recover from his first. This time he dropped it too early, and it veered off into the gutter instantly.

“Alright,” Toby said, taking the seat next to me, “just sit here, and he’ll come to you.”

I sat facing Tony and his pals with my legs crossed and my back straight. Tony didn’t look back at me for his third throw and managed to bowl a ten— low for him. I sat for three more rounds, while Tony kept checking over his shoulder. However his game continued to deteriorate, until in his last turn all three balls ended up in the gutter. Toby remained quiet the whole time; his eyes were glued to his old friend.

A boy approached me from another lane. Toby encouraged me to make small talk. Meanwhile, he watched, as Tony seemed to be unnerved further by this turn of events.

As the last frame was being bowled, Toby leaned over to me and said, “I’ve never seen Tony have such a lousy game.” I blushed. It was strange to have such an effect on someone else. Strange but powerful. “When he gets here, keep the conversation light. I’ll tell you what to do when the time is right.” I felt a tiny bit of resentment that I couldn’t just enjoy the evening. Instead I was going to have to ruin it all once Toby was ready to have me relay his message.

The game ended. Tony had come in third. His friends seemed elated by this and begged him to stay and play at least one more round. I could hear their conversation drifting over to me. Tony kept looking over at me and brushed his friends off with a wave as he came over to see me. I could hear taunts of “sore loser” and “chicken” from Sam and Sean. Larry sat back and smiled.

As he neared, he didn’t look back once. At the table he took a seat directly across from me, and bringing his hand up to his chin, he leaned his elbow on the table and sat as if entranced by me.

I looked to see if Toby had anything for me to say. When he didn’t respond, I said, “Wow, you sucked.”

Finally Tony stopped staring and said, “They’re going to print that off and have it laminated.” He gave me a smile. “Must be something in the air tonight. I’ve never bowled so badly.” The lights reflected off his brownish red hair, making it appear like as if it were flecked with gold. His brown eyes were actually mixed with streaks of copper, and with his olive complexion, he looked a bit like a Greek god to me.

“Just like I told you,” Toby added.

I smiled, feeling self-satisfied. “You won’t be able to say that again tomorrow.”

I could feel Tony drinking me in. He stopped at my hair, then my eyes and my chest.

I turned away and looked at Toby. It was like I could sense Tony’s thoughts, and they made me feel off-balance.

“Just hang in a bit longer,” Toby said.

The more I looked from Toby to Tony, the more similarities I could see, and as I did so, the more confused I became as to who was who. They were both tall, almost six feet. They both had seductive brown eyes. Both were muscular in the upper chest but slim at the waist. Tony had reddish hair, but they both had the same cut and style. Tony sat back, and at that moment both had their left arms draped over the chair. And they both behaved in a way that made them seem like they were in complete command of the situation.

It gave me a chill, and I felt myself mixing up my feelings for each in my head. All this staring caused a primal emotion to well up in my chest; I drew back my shoulders and sat up a little straighter. Both boys seemed to take notice.

“I’m so glad you came,” Tony said after clearing his throat.

“I wasn’t sure I was going to,” I answered, not really understanding why I would say such a thing.

“Well then, I’m extra glad you did.” Tony’s eyes danced.

“Thank you.” I felt hot inside.

“How’d you get here?” he asked.

“The bus,” I answered, looking away to his friends as they set up the next round.

“That must have taken over an hour!”

I nodded.

“All just to see me?”

“Um…” I faltered. I didn’t want to give him the wrong idea.

Toby was staring at his old friend with narrowed eyes, but he said, “Tell him you thought you’d bowl today.”

“I…” I stammered, “I didn’t realize it was league practice. I thought you had invited me to play.”

“I had invited you to play,” Tony said softly. “Do you want to play?”

I didn’t know how to answer. I felt like I was missing something. As Toby glared at Tony his hands clenched into fists. A shiver ran up my spine, and I leaned back in my chair, waiting for either Tony to talk or Toby to instruct me on what to say next.

Eventually Tony turned to me, giving me his winning smile and asked, “Hungry?”

I shrugged.

“I’m starved,” he exclaimed. “I’m gonna get some fries. Do you want anything?” I shook my head. “I’ll be right back.” With that he was off to the front desk.

Toby followed him with his eyes. “This is good,” he said, but his voice sounded otherwise. “You’ve just got to be careful, alright? Don’t trust him at all, and don’t let him get too close. You really are doing superbly,” he said. I sat up straighter and shook the loose curls that had caught on my shoulders. “Absolutely superbly.” Toby looked past me to where Tony was ordering food then back to the friends he had abandoned at the lane.

I too looked over at the boys. They continued to check me out from time to time; but now I wondered whether Larry recognized me, and if he did, would he tell his sister? Who would most certainly tell Effie! Was I asking for more trouble? Was it worth it…doing this favour for Toby? He rubbed his neck; I could feel his regret building. I was the only one who could try to set things right for him.

Toby was also distracted by the boys. “Larry never liked me.” He laughed dryly. “He was terrified to death of what I would do to him, though. But he never trusted me or the things I did.” He scratched the back of his neck. “Smart boy. He’s a good friend for Tony.”

Larry had just bowled a spare. Sam and his brother gave him congratulatory high fives. “As for those two, they’re trouble: twin trouble!” Toby stood up and moved to behind my chair when he saw Larry making his way over.

“Mariah, right?” Larry said as he took the same chair Toby had been sitting in moments earlier. I nodded. “You were here last Saturday?” I nodded again.

I felt panicked. I had been prepared to talk to Tony, but I had never imagined myself talking with his friends. My apprehension grew.

“You had that loose black top on,” Larry said, leaning forward in the chair. “I liked you better in the other shirt.”

“So did I,” I admitted, and I heard Toby laugh along with Larry.

“But you are funnier today.” Larry smiled. He had a warm and honest smile. I grinned back at him. “Hey, don’t you go to East Ridge High?”

The smile slipped from my face. “That’s right.” I felt my throat constrict around the words.

“My sister goes there too.” I couldn’t speak, so I nodded curtly. “Ya, she’s a real brat!” Larry looked over to the desk where Tony was waiting for his order to be filled. “She made this big fuss to be transferred there so she could be with her best friend, who we called a really spoiled effin’ princess… But it works for me. Now I don’t have to see her ugly mug in the halls of my school.” I pulled my lips together, trying not to smile. “Ah,” Larry continued, “I see I have amused you.”

“It’s just that I’ve never heard of Effie referred to unkindly.”

“Ya, well, she’s not all that.”

Tony returned with a tray of food: fries, jalapeño peppers, chicken wings, a pile of gummie candies and two drinks. “Dinner is served,” he said, and then added as Larry reached out to take a fry, “Not for you, you mooch!”

Larry took one anyway and popped it in his mouth.

“What were the two of you talking about?” Tony asked suspiciously.

Toby leaned down to my ear and said quietly, “This is working out far better than I thought it would have.”

“We were just discussing the love of your life!” Larry winked, then explained, since Tony wore an expression of confused annoyance. “You know her, Effie Rooster.” I stifled a giggle at the play on her last name.

“That witch!” Tony slapped the table with such force it made me jump. “Don’t even joke!”

Larry was laughing so hard he almost fell out of the chair. He tipped his head to me and gave Tony a punch in the arm, and then he walked away to the lane, where a not-so-happy looking pair of twins waited. Tony sat where Larry had been. Toby’s grip tightened on my shoulders, but he didn’t say anything.

Tony ate almost everything on the tray, insisting that I should have some, but I only nibbled on a few of the fries and drank the pop he had bought for me. He spent a lot of time telling me about his bowling trophies, and his other successes like pool and blackjack. “I’m second best to an old friend of mine!” he boasted.

“That’s true,” added Toby. “I was the only one who could outplay him game for game, and seemed better than him in everything he did.” Then he added more softly, “And it’s all meaningless to me now.”

I tried to listen, but I found it dull, so my mind wandered a little. I discovered that when I pulled my shoulders back and sat up straighter, then batted my eyes, cocked my head and gave a small smile, Tony reacted in the most amusing ways, stuttering, forgetting what he was saying, and he once stopped mid-sentence to clear his throat and wipe his forehead.

Larry came back over and stood between us. He wanted to know if Tony was going to bowl the last game, “Or have you given up completely?” he teased. Tony smiled but declined. “Well, I don’t blame you, my friend.” Larry winked at me again. “After such a crushing defeat, it’s hard to get back into the game. Might have to give it up for good!” He pulled a sheet from his pocket. “First place, Sam. Second place, Sean. And third, third, Tony…”

“Oh, get lost.” Tony kicked out, but Larry was able to sidestep it. “You still lost!”

“Ouch, that hurt.” Larry put his hands to his heart and went away.

“It’s time to tell him about me,” Toby instructed.

I faltered, unsure how to begin. “Do you know a boy named Toby?”

Tony’s mouth fell open, but he quickly regained composure. “He was my best friend,” he said, quietly staring off somewhere behind my head. “Why do you ask?”

“Um…” I stalled for an idea, or some help from Toby, but he stayed silent. “Well, I just met him last week, on Monday, and you sort of remind me of him.”

“You met him last week, on Monday…” Tony repeated, robot-like. I nodded. “He, he…he died,” Tony’s voice was barely audible, “that night.”

“I know,” I answered, marveling at the irony.

“So you met him just…” Tony’s gaze dropped to the floor. He looked so sad and broken.

“Ya,” I said, and in spite of myself, I put my hand on his knee. Tony looked up at me sharply, his eyes narrowed.

“Excuse yourself to the washroom,” Toby said, pulling me up by my armpits. I stood. My hand slipped from Tony’s leg.

“Don’t go.” Tony reached up and grabbed my wrist; I felt the smoothness on the palm of his hand tight against my skin.

“I have to use the girl’s room,” I explained. He sighed and let my arm go.

“We have to talk,” Toby said as he dragged me away. “Tony’s going to want to take you into the storage room,” he explained as we walked into the women’s washroom. “I don’t want you to go! So you’ll have to stay very alert.”

I stood at the mirror, looking at the girl who looked back at me. Who was this fresh, attractive young thing? Was she really me? Was I really her? “What if I can’t?” I asked, fear of my own feelings taking root. I should have asked: what if I felt like I wanted to go? For when Toby had told me of Tony’s plans, a spark of excitement had leapt up my spine.

“I’ll be with you,” he assured. I was certain he didn’t understand what I had really meant. I was beginning to like the attention a little too much, and I wanted to just go with this new and wonderful feeling. “Mariah,” Toby cut into my thoughts, “I know this is a lot to ask from you, so if you can’t do it, I’ll understand.”

“I’ll do it,” I answered. “Just do me a favour and don’t let go of me.”

Toby followed me out of the room with his hand firmly on my back. I had gone no more than two steps when Tony came up from behind me and embraced me tightly—I couldn’t feel if Toby’s hand was still there. Instead I felt as if I were Jell-O melting into Tony’s arms. “There’s a closet back here.” I could feel his breath on my cheek as if it were a tranquillizer. I leaned back and relaxed into his chest. “Let’s go there, where we won’t be disturbed.”

I nodded, even though somewhere inside I wanted to scream no. My heart was fluttering in my chest, making my head swim. Where was Toby? I couldn’t feel him, I couldn’t see him, he was supposed to help—but did I really want him to help? Two strong emotions warred in my mind.

As Tony stepped back, leaving me to stand up on my own, I felt my knees wobble, and finally I could sense Toby’s hands strong and hard on my waist. “Tell him no,” he said firmly. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. “Don’t go!” Toby said, trying to hold me back, but as I started to resist, Tony simply pulled me tightly to him.

Tony led the way. I felt like I was in a complete daze. “It’s like a drug,” I murmured. I couldn’t see Toby, couldn’t feel him! But I did hear him.

“Believe me,” Toby said with venom in his voice, “I know.” Then he said with more disgust than I’d ever heard, “I taught him most of this stuff.”

Like a puppet, I was guided to the storage room. I wanted this…what was I doing?

It was a small space, made smaller by the many stacks of boxes. There was a little over three feet of spare room between the storage and the door, but that seemed like plenty when we were pressed up against each other.

Only once as we walked in did Tony let go of me. I thought about making a run for it, but my legs barely had strength enough to stand. I ended up tripping in the attempt to flee and caught myself on the stack of boxes. Tony had turned back to the door, and I heard the click of the lock.

“For privacy,” he explained. Then he stepped towards me and wrapped his arms around my back. For a moment he stayed with his chest pressed against mine, his face mere inches from my own.

Was he finally going to kiss me? All sense of time and space disappeared. Finally, he leaned in and kissed me square on the mouth—my first kiss. His lips were as soft as rose petals, warm and slightly moist. I closed my eyes and felt dizzy, like I had been twirling for hours.

Tony pulled back from me, and with a smile he said, “Oh, beautiful, you are so great.”

It was the word “beautiful” that caught me—not just the word, but also the way he said it. I was instantly reminded of Toby, and my eyes swept the room to find him. When I didn’t see him, I pulled out of Tony’s embrace and turned to see if he was behind me.

Toby was there, shaking where he stood. He seemed paralyzed.

“What’s wrong?” Tony drew me back into his arms. “Don’t you want me?”

I didn’t want to do this…or did I? “I can’t,” I said, breathlessly begging Toby with my eyes for help.

Tony spun me around so I faced him again. I melted. “Mariah, I want you… I need you,” he said passionately.

I would have liked to have believed him. It would have been nice and convenient, but even though Toby wasn’t holding on to me, I could feel him at the back of my thoughts; “watch out, he’s a player” echoed in my mind. I tried to grip tightly onto that feeling as Tony leaned in and started to kiss me again. This time he opened his mouth a bit, and without thinking I did the same. A new wave of exhilaration ran through my veins. This felt so good, how could it be bad?

My mind began to scream. I was behaving like a tramp! I didn’t want to be there, but I didn’t know how to stop! I tried to pull away, but that made Tony hold tighter. His arms were like a vise I couldn’t squeeze out of. Or maybe I didn’t want to.

He kissed me long and hard on the lips, then he kissed me on my ears, each of my cheeks, my nose, my neck, and drawing my hand up, he started to kiss me on each of my fingers. As wonderful as I felt, I felt a wave of nausea. My thoughts swam before my face: I was acting like a tramp. I needed to stop! But I didn’t think I could. Where was Toby? He said he’d protect me! But who was he supposed to protect me from, Tony or myself?

Tony noticed my hesitation and paused.

In that moment I called out, “Toby, I need you!”

Tony dropped my hand. The colour drained from his face as he sucked in his breath. He even took a step back and leaned against the door. I finally felt Toby as he stepped closer and rested his hand on my shoulder. From the look on Tony’s face, I wondered if he could also see the ghost of his old friend.

“I’m here, Mariah,” Toby said softly.

Tony just kept looking over my head to the back wall. He looked like he was glued to the door. Then he cleared his throat and asked, “Did you just say Toby?”

I nodded, feeling a sense of safety and calmness return to me. What had I been thinking before?

“How well did you know him?” Tony asked, still sounding shocked.

“I think I’ve gotten to know him quite well.”

“Were you with him that night?” Tony looked at me with awed appreciation.

“Yes,” I answered. I was about to tell him that I’d been with him every day since, but Tony interrupted.

“You were the last person to be with him.” Tony leaned more heavily on the door and stared at the floor. Again I felt sympathy for him; he had lost his best friend. I knew what that felt like, though mine hadn’t been taken by death…

I reached out and brushed his arm. “I’m so sorry.” I looked back at Toby, thinking that this would be the best time to deliver his message.

He ran his hand through his hair and said, “I don’t know what to say.”

“Why did you call me Toby?” Tony was looking up at me.

“I wasn’t calling you Toby…”

“Don’t,” Toby said sharply. “He’ll never believe you!”

“There is something Toby wanted you to know,” I started.

Tony stood up straighter. “He told you something that night?”

“In a way…” I answered and reached out with my hand behind my back to encourage Toby to give me the words to say. He said nothing, and I couldn’t turn to see him. I felt a like a fool. As the seconds slipped by, Tony seemed to relax and regain control.

Taking my free hand in his and holding it tight, he asked, “What is it?”

Tony’s hand felt warm like Toby’s, and it sent a tingle up my arm. “I…” I stammered, not knowing what to say.

Tony leaned in so close our noses almost touched. “Let me help you to remember.” Then he kissed me before I could say anything more. It was more passionate and intense than before.

Pulling back I said, “But Toby wanted you to know something. It’s really important!”

“It can wait,” Tony replied, pulling me tight against him like an octopus trapping its prey. He moaned softly. Any feeling of nervousness left me as a mounting excitement raced through my body. I liked this, I wanted it…it felt good!

“Mariah.” Toby’s voice interrupted my thoughts.

“What do you want?” I moaned, my voice sounding almost like a whine.

“I want you,” Tony said in almost the same tone as I’d used, while he planted kisses wherever he could reach.

I could feel Toby’s hand heavy upon my shoulder. He was the only thing that kept me from abandoning all my resolve and giving in to every desire.

“Tell him he’s making a bad deal,” Toby sternly instructed.

“Now, Toby?” I asked.

But it was Tony who answered, “Yes.” Then he worked his hand under my shirt and held it hard against my bare back. Oh, that felt really good.

Then he slowly started to slide it up my back. His finger brushed one of my bites, causing me to jump in pain and yell out, “Stop!”

“What?” Tony gasped and stepped away. He looked horrified.

“I’m so sorry, Mariah,” Toby said, appearing beside me. “I shouldn’t have asked you to do this. It was a bad idea. I don’t think it’s going to work.” He took a deep breath and added, “It was too much for me to ask you to do this.”

“No,” I shook my head in response.

Tony held his hands up in front of his chest. “No, what?” he said.

My breath came heavy; I was angry, confused, sore and feeling ashamed of myself. Where had things gone so wrong? I spun around so I could face Toby. “I want to still try. What do I do now?”

Tony moved up behind me and wrapped me in his arms. “Let me have you like Toby had you,” he said seductively into my ear.

I broke his embrace and held up my hand to signal for him to stop.

“He won’t understand now,” Toby explained. “It’s no use.”

“Tony, could you excuse me? I need a moment alone.” Surprisingly, he left without a fuss. “Toby,” I started once I was sure the door had been firmly closed behind him, “I don’t care if I come off looking like a total loon,” I said, feeling surprised at my own words, but certain that I meant them. “Just tell me what you want to tell him, and I’ll repeat it.”

“I’m so sorry I put you in this situation.”

“What’s so bad about this situation?”

Toby looked around the room. His hand had flown to his neck. “This room is trouble. I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t think it’s your fault,” I replied flatly. “You told me not to come into the storage room.” I shook my head sadly. “I didn’t listen to you.”

“No, it’s my fault. I knew Tony wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer. I just thought if I could… I don’t know—get him to trust you… I don’t know.”

“Well then, let’s just tell Tony the truth.” I suggested, and before Toby could argue, I went to the door and pulled it open.

“Don’t worry,” Tony said, sweeping me up in his arms as if nothing had interrupted us. I wondered if Toby had been this smooth. Or even better, as both seemed to believe he’d been.

“I think I know why you’re so nervous.” He pulled me extra close

I closed my eyes as we kissed. Tony ran his hand through my hair, and vibrant tingles shot down my spine. I gripped tightly to his neck. I fought the idea of stopping—this felt good, and I wanted to feel good!

“Let me make love to you like Toby did,” Tony said as he tried to guide me further into the closet.

“What?” I screamed out. I felt like ice-cold water had been poured over my head. “No!” I snapped. “I didn’t… he didn’t… no.” I said again, trying to break away from his strong grip.

“Then let me show you what he would feel like.”

“No!” I said, and there could be no way anyone could think I didn’t mean it. Tony didn’t advance—he just stood staring at me in his arms, but when I didn’t say anything else, he gently leaned in to kiss me again.

“Just listen to me,” I said, placing my hand firmly over his mouth. His eyes widened but he didn’t struggle. “You are right. I was the last person to be with Toby. But not while he was alive.”

Tony pulled my hand away from his mouth. “What are you trying to say?”

“When Toby died…” How could I explain this? “The night Toby died…”

Tony waited patiently, never removing his eyes from mine.

“He died…and…and…he came to me.” When Tony didn’t say anything, I added, “after he died.”

“Are you telling me that he’s a ghost?”

“Yes,” I answered.

“So he, like, appeared to you?” There was the sound of a chuckle behind his voice.

“Yes,” I went on, “and he stayed with me.”

“He doesn’t believe you,” Toby said, sounding defeated. “But thanks for trying.” I smiled.

“You’re just kidding,” Tony said, a huge goofy grin spread across his face. “Who put you up to this? Sam? Sean? Surely not Larry…” Then before I could protest, he leaned in and kissed me again. My knees wobbled. It still felt good.

“Believe me,” I insisted between kisses. I didn’t want to say any more. I knew he didn’t believe me, and he probably never would, but I had to keep trying. “He’s here. And he wanted me to tell you that he died a horrible death.”

Tony pulled away so quickly, I almost fell to the floor, but Toby caught me and held me up. “What do you know about his death?” Tony spat.

I was at a loss for words—I didn’t really know anything about Toby’s death.

“Now,” Tony said in a frightening voice, “that’s enough of that.”

As frightened as I felt, I continued, “But Toby doesn’t want you to end up with the same bad deal,” I said, remembering the words Toby had wanted me to use.

Quick as lightning, Tony raised his hand and made a motion to punch me in the face—he might have, had his fist not been knocked off course by Toby’s hand. In that brief moment, even though Tony’s face was contorted with rage, his eyes were filled with pain and suspicion. “Leave me alone,” he said, then turned and ran from the room.

I leaned even more heavily on Toby as he held me up. I was emotionally drained; if possible, I think I was even more exhausted than when I had cried for hours.

“Well, I think that went quite well,” Toby said sarcastically as he slid to the floor with me in his arms. I repositioned myself so that I was leaning up against the stack of boxes, and brought my knees up to my chin to rest it there.

“I’m sorry I failed you,” I whispered.

“No,” Toby said while he shook his head. “No, I should have guessed that my problems would be harder to fix than yours.” He rested his head on my shoulder.

I sat listening to the far-off noises of the bowling alley and I could feel my own heartbeat; somehow I found it soothing. I could feel Toby’s regrets at the edge of my own frayed emotions.

“Are you alright?” A vaguely familiar voice called out, followed by quick footsteps. I looked up to see Larry rushing into the storage room. He fell to his knees in front of me. Toby moved away to give Larry space.

“Fine,” I answered, trying to ease the concern I saw on Larry’s face.

Larry brought his hand up to my forehead and looked into my eyes.

“I’m fine,” I protested, pushing his hand away, then tuning to Toby I asked, “What is all this about?”

Toby opened his mouth and closed it like a fish out of water, but no sound escaped his lips. I noticed he was shaking a little.

Larry answered my question. “I just thought…” He looked at me more closely, narrowing his eyes, “Never mind.” He sat back a little. “But you are sure you’re alright?”

“I’m positively fine,” I assured him, moving to stand up. Larry stood and offered his hand. Though I was standing, he kept a close eye on me, like he was worried something was going to happen.

“Come have a drink with me,” Larry invited as he continued to watch me.

I just wanted to go home. I felt worn out from the day, but Larry seemed really insistent, so I followed him back to the table where we had sat earlier. He went and bought us something to drink.

The place seemed far less busy now. There were only a few people left bowling. Tony was nowhere to be seen, and it also seemed as though his twin friends had left too. I watched Larry talking with Mack, and then he carried back two bottles of apple juice.

“Interesting choice,” I commented.

“Didn’t you know that the health board has recommended that everyone should have seven to ten servings of fruits or vegetables every day? How else is a busy teen like me supposed to do that?” With a flourish, he drank down half the contents. “There now, I’ve already had at least two servings!”

I grinned, and Larry passed me the unopened bottle, and then sat down in the seat next to me. I drank and was surprised to discover how thirsty I had been.

“Better?” Larry asked as I put the container down on the table. I nodded.

He leaned back in his chair and scanned the emptying bowling alley, but I had the suspicion he was still watching me in his peripheral vision. I wished I could see Toby. I had a small uncomfortable feeling at the edge of my stomach, and I thought it might be coming from him.

“What happened with you and Tony?” Larry asked. I was struck by how much older and more mature he appeared than any of his friends, including Toby. I put them at about my brother’s age, yet Larry seemed even…wiser? Calmer…

“We discovered that we had a friend in common,” I explained.

“Oh…” Comprehension spread thought Larry’s soft eyes. “Toby. Right? Tony was his shadow.” Larry smiled sadly. “What’s a shadow without someone to cast it?”

“A chalk outline.” I spoke before I thought, and as I was saying it, I already regretted it. I felt Toby bang the chair. Had he tried to hit me?

Larry let out a hard, dry laugh. “You may have nailed it right there. Did I tell you how much I like the way you think?” His face turned serious. “You’re too smart to be slumming with the likes of these guys.”

“I could say the same thing about you,” I retorted.

Larry nodded, still smiling. “What did I say, you’re very smart.” He took another drink. “Tony and I grew up together. We’ve been neighbours since before we could talk. Tony always hangs out at my house. He’s sorta more like a brother than friend. I think he just puts up with me ’cause of our history.”

“But why do you put up with him?” I felt a bit jealous. Why hadn’t Stacy just put up with me?

“Well…I guess he’s like family.”

I grinned at the idea: a long-standing friendship sounded really nice to me. “I wish I had a friend like that,” I said quietly.

“It has its nice parts.”

“Ya,” Toby cut in. He leaned on the back of my chair and caused it to start tipping back.

Larry lunged forward and caught my chair before I went completely over. The look of concern returned to his face. I steadied my racing heart. I hated the feeling of falling!

Toby went on. I didn’t like his tone. “Larry does receive protection from anyone who would really want to mess him up, because he’s Tony’s friend.” After that, he let go of my chair with a small thunk.

“I bet you know Tony better than anyone else,” I commented, trying to ignore Toby.

Larry let go of my chair and turned away, his jaw flexed with tension. “Yup, you could say that.”

“Sounds like you aren’t happy about that.” I was starting to wonder why Larry would still be friends’ with him if he felt so negative about it.

“There’ve been some…moments,” Larry said, his hazel eyes filled with unspoken sorrows. “But he’s my bud—what else am I going to do?”

I continued to feel jealous, as I thought of how Stacy had so willingly sold me out for a higher notch in social standing. She’d been my buddy, yet she’d been the first to turn her back, and everyone else had followed her example. Was I not worth it?

Toby fell beside my chair like he had been knocked over the head. He was sporting a bright black eye. “I thought we were past this,” he said through clenched teeth, pointing at his eye.

“Mariah, are you sure you’re okay?” Larry asked, leaning closer. “You don’t look so good…I mean, you look good…”

“Yes, that’s true,” I said from habit, then blushed.

Toby exhaled loudly as he was getting back to his feet. It unnerved me that I couldn’t tell what he was feeling…was he mad at me?

“What I meant,” Larry said, as a light pink spread across his upper cheeks, “is that you don’t look completely alright.”

“Thanks, but I’m okay,” I tried to reassure, then I added, “Tony is lucky to have you as a friend.”

Larry smiled sadly. “He really is a great pal. He was nicer before he met that friend you two had in common, no offence to the dead. Regardless, he’s been nothing but nice to me.” Finishing off his juice, Larry started to fiddle with the bottle in his hands.

My stomach lurched—it was Toby’s emotions again.

“He wasn’t anything but nice to me,” I said, thinking back on the evening.

“I disagree,” Toby said at the same time as Larry asked, “Are you sure?”

“Really,” I protested, nodding, “I mean, he didn’t do anything that I didn’t really want him to.” The honesty of that statement unsettled me. I felt vulnerable.

Larry stared harder. Feeling embarrassed, I leaned back against the chair. This was a mistake. Immediately I jumped forward, as an explosion of pain and itchiness broke out across my back. Checking the clock, I realized that it had been over four hours since my last dose of Benadryl.

“What’s wrong?” Larry had sprung from his chair and was standing over me. Before I could explain, he pulled my shirt up my back and gasped. “What did he do to you?”

I pushed Larry back and snapped defensively, “It wasn’t him.” Why did everyone think Tony was such a creep? “Listen, he was nice to me, a bit insistent, but not too much. He stopped when I told him to.” At least he did stop when I really wanted him to!

“But…” Larry sputtered.

“Just trust me, it wasn’t him. I was already like this when I came here tonight.” Looking into Larry’s eyes, I wanted to add that it was the Effin’ Witch from my school who had done this, but I was too embarrassed.

Larry seemed like he wasn’t going to believe me, then his face changed as if he was remembering something, and he sat back down. Now that I had started to feel the itch, it spread until every inch of my body screamed out “scratch me!” I squirmed in my seat, trying to gently rub my back on the chair, while I also brought my hands up, crossing my arms so I could reach my biceps without really looking like I was.

“Did you bring the Benadryl with you?” Toby asked as he moved to my side and put his hand on my arm.

I tried to stop squirming. “I forgot the medication at home,” I regretted aloud.

“Where do you live?” Larry asked. I told him, and he whistled. “That’s really far.”

“Two buses,” I replied, knowing I wasn’t going to make it.

“I’ll call you a cab,” Larry said. Oh, thank goodness he had a solution. He went to the front desk and made the call, then came back and walked me out to wait for it.

The parking lot was mostly empty. I stood with my hands in fists by my side. Toby stood behind me, holding my wrists so I wouldn’t be able to scratch. My only relief was the cool night air on my skin.

“So, what happened?” Larry asked, standing to my right and keeping his eyes fixed on the busy street for any signs of my cab.

What if Larry knew? What if he was going to tell his sister all about me? I didn’t think he would, but I still didn’t feel safe enough to trust him with the truth, so I lied. “Allergic reaction.”

“To ants?” he added, sounding so casual, but that didn’t stop my pulse from quickening and my mouth from going completely dry.

Larry reached out and brought his arm up to my face, and then he pulled up his sleeve. In the dim light from the streetlamps, I could make out three white scars.

“Nasty little buggers,” he said. “I kinda had a run in with them myself a few years back.”

“Oh…” So many questions flooded my mind: how, why, and who?

“I came across a colony that Tony was keeping for a school project,” Larry explained, but I wondered if half the story was missing, and if Larry was leaving it out to protect the illusion of innocence of his friend, or did he really not know?

Toby’s grip tightened around my arms.

“I was lucky enough to only get seven bites.” Larry dropped his arm while watching for my cab. “You must have quite a few more…”

“Fifty-five.”

Larry whistled. “You’re lucky you weren’t hospitalized.”

I nodded. “The school wanted to send me, but my mother wouldn’t let them. She didn’t feel it was necessary.”

“Then you are very lucky.” He seemed to know what he was talking about.

“I don’t feel so lucky right now.” I switched my weight from one foot to the other and added, “I just feel itchy.”

Larry closed his eyes and roared with laughter. “I love your sense of humour.” He opened his eyes and looked away. “Don’t get mixed up with Tony,” he said. “You deserve better.”

I was filled with warring emotions: I still wanted to try and deliver Toby’s message. His pain weighed down on me like a heavy jacket. But also I couldn’t get the feel of Tony’s lips on mine out of my head. Then there was another more scary thought, as Toby continued to hold my wrists so I wouldn’t scratch. What would Toby do if he knew what I was thinking?

“Mariah, please believe me,” Larry warned. “Tony doesn’t love girls, he doesn’t know how! He just uses them. Please, please just stay away from him.”

“And what about you?” I asked. “Why do you hang out with someone you think so little of?”

Larry took a step away from me and shook his head. “Tony’s my pal, I watch his back, and he watches mine.”

“But what about you and girls?” I asked, wondering if Larry did anything but clean up from his friend’s adventures.

“Me?” Larry stammered. He looked out over the parking lot and let out a soft sigh of relief, then turned to me with a huge grin. “Your cab is here.”

“Alright,” I said. Then I had an idea. I pulled my arm away from Toby and, rummaging in my pocket, I found a spare piece of paper and a pencil. I quickly jotted a note that said my name, my phone number and “call me—I enjoyed our time together.” I handed it to Larry as the cab stopped in front of us, and I climbed in.

Larry was still looking at the napkin as the cab pulled away. Finally he hollered, “See ya!”

Toby sat next to me, his hands over mine in my lap. I told the driver where to go and sat back against the seat. The movement of the cab created a small amount of relief on my back, but everything else irritated me: the seat belt across my chest, the elastic in my shirt, the strap of my bra, the temperature of the cab, every bump, pot-hole, and red light I had to endure. I closed my eyes against the insanity of it all.

“Hang in there,” I heard Toby say as he gave me an extra squeeze, but I couldn’t respond—I was using every ounce of energy to keep myself from yelling in anguish or opening the door to throw myself from the moving car just to stop the pain. My skin felt as if it had taken on a life of its own and was now trying to walk away.

Finally the cab stopped—I reached into my pocket and found some money to pay the driver. Then I leaped out and raced all the way home. I headed straight to my room, to my desk where I had left the Benadryl. I took the maximum amount recommended then fell face down on my bed and stayed there, waiting for the drugs to take effect.

My mind raced with wild thoughts, and I know that had he not been there, I would have lost all my senses and perhaps gone mad with itchiness.

It was close to twenty minutes before I experienced some relief. Toby hadn’t said anything the whole time. In order to keep from scratching, I had been in a spread-eagle position, with my arms straight out, and I had kept my face smooshed into my pillow to keep from screaming. Now I was able to roll onto my side and look at Toby.

He didn’t budge. I registered his feelings; he was grief stricken. But by what? “I am so sorry,” he said, still not looking in my direction.

“For what?” I wondered if it was an apology to me directly, or an overall statement of his sorrows?

“For…” Toby rubbed the back of his neck, and I actually felt my stomach lurch. “For everything,” he finished in no more than a whisper. He removed his hand from my leg. I didn’t want him to, but as I watched, he brought both his hands to his face and started to cry. This was the second time I’d seen him cry. I thought boys didn’t cry…

“When I was alive, I thought I was so great,” he lamented. “Now I can see how wrong I was…so wrong.”

“What does it feel like…” to be dead, I was going to say, but Toby didn’t let me finish.

“It feels like torture! It hurts, like my whole body is being twisted and squeezed.” Toby slid from the bed to the floor on his knees. “I want to turn it off,” he moaned. Then he pulled his hands away from his face so he could look at me. “But I don’t deserve it to stop! I deserve to feel like this forever, and far worse!”

“No!” I reached out and touched him on the cheek. It pained me to see him like this. I didn’t believe he deserved this; he had been nothing but kind and caring to me.

“You don’t understand,” he protested. “The more I find out about myself, the more I wish I hadn’t. Do you remember our first night?”

How could I forget! I nodded slowly, still fretting about what he was about to reveal.

“All I felt was concern for you.”

I remembered the pills and the eight-ounce tumbler of vodka.

“You were in so much pain. I didn’t feel it physically myself that night, but it was unmistakable.”

Tears leapt to my eyes. He had saved me in so many ways.

“Now I feel an even deeper connection to you and your miseries.”

I took my hand from his face. The look in his eyes made me nervous. Where was this going?

“I can feel your pain in so many ways, and I feel completely terrible knowing that I’ve caused it.”

I sat up and pulled myself into a tight ball, as far back from Toby as I could. “What do you mean?” I asked shakily.

“Everything in my life seems to have had a direct or indirect effect on your life! We are connected in more ways than I would have ever dreamed.” Toby moved to reach out to me, and I jumped back. He looked hurt, but he sat back. “Through my pranks and games, I’ve hurt more people than those I had aimed to, and for all I had convinced myself that I didn’t care while I was alive, now I know I do care! I care so deeply, it’s making me feel like I’m splitting in half!”

I felt renewed compassion for him; he had saved me, but he hadn’t been able to save himself. He had lived life oblivious to the chaos and destruction he had wreaked, but now it sat in his face, too plain to ignore. How would I feel, if I had made such terrible mistakes, and now I was powerless to do anything on my own to change them? And I could see that it would be easy to make those mistakes, had I been given the opportunity to be popular and adored.

“Shush,” I said. “It’s alright.”

“No!” He swore and slammed his fist into my sheets, then brought his hand up to cover his eyes.

I slowly crawled over to him and placed my hand on his head. “Didn’t you once tell me that everything is working itself out?” He didn’t respond, but I felt him relax a little. “I believe that. You saved my life that night.”

Tears fell as I continued. “I was going to kill myself. Life is hard. It’s full of tough choices. I was all alone, and I would have ended it had you not shown up.” Gratitude flooded my heart. “I owe you my life. Who knows what mistakes I faced that night? The mistake of suicide would have been one. To give up hope completely, I know now that that was wrong. It was you that kept me alive, and I’m glad.” Toby moved up onto the bed, sitting on his knees while I collected my thoughts. Tears still flowed freely. “I will take you with every bit of your past, all the mistakes made on purpose or accidentally, because it is what brought you to me. I don’t understand how or why, but I do know that we are meant to set things right together.”

Toby’s eyes were wide, but he didn’t answer. When he finally started talking, it was in a low monotone that made me feel like interrupting him would be a big mistake. “I have a second favour to ask of you. I need you to find someone—a girl.” He brought his hand up to his neck. “There have been many girls. Too many! But I need to find this one because,” he faltered, “because I…” He looked away. “I raped her.”

I brought my hand up to my mouth.

“It was five weeks ago, at the bowling alley, in the storage room…” Toby went on.

“Don’t,” I begged.

“I have to, you have to understand. It wasn’t like tonight. You were right when you told Larry that Tony didn’t do anything you didn’t want him to.” I felt my stomach lurch and held my mouth tighter. “Tony isn’t like me—he couldn’t ever do what I did. I took her, forced her to come into that room, and when she protested, I forced myself on her…”

As my stomach continued to churn, I felt acid climbing up my throat. I didn’t hesitate a moment. I bolted from my room, heading straight into the washroom, barely reaching the toilet in time. When I finally stopped heaving, I sat down and rested my forehead on the bathtub, feeling the coolness of the porcelain soothe my throbbing head.

“Mariah?” Toby said softly from behind me.

I shook my head. “Don’t try to explain.”

“I don’t need to explain. I don’t have an excuse; I was wrong, and I know I was; even at the time I knew it.” I heard a soft thud, like he was leaning his head on the wall.

“Then why did you?” I asked, my voice sounding more like a sob.

“I’m not sure now…” he sighed, and I wondered if he was rubbing his neck again, like trying to release a genie from a magical lamp; only it was memories from a reluctant mind. “I thought I could do whatever I pleased, and no one could stop me.” I heard him slide down the wall, and I could feel his remorse weighing heavy upon him.

The bathtub surface had heated up under my head, so I moved over an inch to a cooler spot.

“Mariah?” Toby said once again. I wanted to scream at him. Didn’t he know this was too hard for me! “She was victimized by me. I did a terrible thing to her. I want to try and set things right. I just have to try! But I can’t do it without you.”

My heart sank. I knew he was going to ask me something like that. I heard him shift about, then felt his hand on my back. I instinctively recoiled from his touch. “Please, Mariah,” he pleaded but kept his hands off. “Will you look for her? Will you go to her and give her a message?”

“Oh, ho!” I snapped, “that worked so well the first time!”

“This time will be different, I know it will, Mariah, she was completely innocent—she was the victim. Can you find the strength in your heart to help me to try and fix this?”

Toby’s desire to undo his past was so strong; I felt it pulling me down. I closed my eyes as a new wave of nausea pulsed through my veins. I thought of this girl. What if Mims had tried to apologize to me? How would I respond if some girl came to me to say he was sorry? Would I believe her? Would it make a difference? Would I want to hear it? Yes, I would want that.

“Yes,” I finally answered. I wanted Toby to leave me alone. I wasn’t going to do this for him. I was going to do it for that girl!

Toby took my hint, giving me as much space as he could; he stayed quiet as I washed my face and out of my way as I went to bed. I tried not to look at him, mostly because he looked so wretched; his eyes were red and swollen. Everything about him looked miserable: it reminded me of a puppy left in the rain. But somehow I knew this misery was necessary. Toby had to stay in the moment, and I didn’t try to distract him from it, or make it any easier.

As I lay in bed, Toby sat at my desk. Rolling away from him, I muttered, “’Night.” I wasn’t too concerned when I didn’t get a response.