DAY
11
I wasn’t aware of the actual time, but it was early in the morning hours when I slipped into a new dream, like walking through a door. Now I was in my storage room. It was darker there than it had ever been before, and I was suddenly aware that I wasn’t alone! At first I thought it was Mims. It wasn’t uncommon for him to chase me through my nightmares—eventually, he was always caught by my brother and thrown from the house to fall in a heap and stay that way until some other nightmare.
Yet as this person approached, I realized it wasn’t Mims; it was Tony, and I felt a rush of relief and mounting excitement. He leaned in, our lips met, and feeling completely free in this dream place, I enjoyed the memory of our encounter uninhibited. But it only lasted a fleeting moment, because I was suddenly ripped from Tony’s arms and dragged into the storage room at the alley. When I was finally able to get a look at my attacker, dread trickled down my spine—it was Toby! He had me by the hair, and as I tried to struggle free, he pulled me up and pressed me against the stack of boxes.
I wanted to scream, but nothing came from my mouth.
“Please don’t!” I gasped for air as Toby pressed himself against me even harder. I wished it was Mims, and Jake was about to rush through the door to save the day. But no one arrived. “Toby, I thought you’re not allowed to!” I whimpered.
“Oh, but I’m a completely real boy!” he spat out and leaned in to kiss me.
“No, no, no!” I cried, thrashing out at this dream Toby in any way I could, but nothing seemed to dissuade him. “You’re supposed to help me!” I whispered as our lips met…
Who knows how far my dream would have gone had it not been for my mother. I jumped out of bed: the shock of ice cold water being spilled over my head woke me instantly. My mom stood with the empty glass in her hand.
“Awake now?” she asked, looking annoyed.
I nodded, shivering as the wetness cooled my skin.
“Good, I’m already late for work, and I need to show you something.”
Without argument, I followed her upstairs. I had my pajamas on, my top partially soaked; she was in her business suit. She went straight to the drawer in the far part of the kitchen, the one beside the sink. Pulling it out from the cabinet, she placed the drawer on the table and picked something up.
“These are shells,” she explained emotionlessly. “If you look at the back of the cupboard, you will see a gun taped there.”
Toby, who seemed just as groggy, had been following quietly; he now let out an exclamation of shock. Ignoring him, I asked, “But what are they for? Why do we need them?”
My mother returned the drawer and slumped down at the table. “It’s your brother.” She sighed. “He’s done it this time. He’s completely messed things up, and I can’t bail him out any more.” She seemed very upset, and I wondered if it was because of what Jake had actually done or because she couldn’t save him…
Gingerly, I took the seat next to her. “But why do we need a gun?”
“Because, Mariah,” she said with an edge in her voice, “he’s desperate! He may come after us.”
I wanted to be shocked. I wanted to tell her that I didn’t think she was right. But I just sat, nodding, because this was my life.
She reached out and covered one of my hands with hers. “If he comes around, please, please be careful.” Did she really care if something happened to me? Or was it just another thing for her to deal with?
I promised I would, though I had no clue how. Then she headed off, telling me to keep the door locked. I did, and almost as if Toby wasn’t there, I headed back down to my room, took a dose of Benadryl and crawled back into bed.
It was nearly two in the afternoon when I woke for the second time with a start. It hadn’t been the front door that alerted me to the presence of someone else in the house—it was heavy footsteps on the floor above my room. I sat up as Toby appeared beside my right shoulder.
“You locked the front door?” he asked, but I didn’t know why he was whispering. No one, apart from me, could hear him.
“How was that supposed to help?” I answered in my quietest voice. “My brother has a key!”
Toby looked shocked. Perhaps he, like me, had only come to that realization right now. I scolded myself for that oversight. Toby flinched, but I couldn’t be bothered with that now.
Turning, I looked to my window. Could I make it out unnoticed? Toby shrugged. Where were his helpful feelings? He seemed less and less able to really help me!
As I sat, contemplating my choices, I heard my brother’s voice, along with at least one other. Even through the floor, I could tell he had Nick with him. Nick had a high-pitched, whiny voice that sent a chill right down my spine. With that I decided to make a run for it. I bolted from my bed, taking care to not make a sound. Then I pulled yesterdays clothes from my desk. I wasn’t going to go out in my pajamas. I started to slip my bra on under my shirt.
“What are you doing?” I could hear the panic in Toby’s voice, and it made me jump. “You don’t have time!”
With my bra haphazardly on, I started to work on my pants. I had one leg in, and I was lifting my second up, when I heard the back door slam—did someone go out? Distracted, I lost my balance and fell into the dresser with a thump. Then I heard feet rushing down the stairs to my door. I barely had time to zip up my jeans when my door was thrown open. Why had I not put the chair in the way! I always put it there! Careless!
I heard Toby give a soft groan. But I turned toward my door and found myself looking at two of Jake’s friends: Nick was tall and slim. He had a scar down the side of his face, big dark eyebrows and a five o’clock shadow on his face. His fingers were quite long, and he always liked to put them on me whenever he could. He had long, greasy blond hair and a lip ring.
Rock was about my height but built like a tank. He had thick, chubby fingers like sausages, but they were just as creepy when he used them to harass me. His face was round, and he had two teeth missing. His smile sent chills down my spine. He had a tear tattooed by the side of his eye. Their strange nicknames always frightened me, as if they weren’t just boys any more, they were more like monsters.
Before I had time to react, Rock rushed toward me and grabbed my wrist, spun me toward him and grabbed my second hand. He had such amazing strength that I found myself powerless against his grip. He brought his thigh up against my pelvis and pinned me back between himself and my dresser. As he leaned forward, I recoiled back as far as I could, then shutting my eyes, I heard Rock smell me.
“Fresh meat,” he said softly, but there was nothing soft about his voice. It was rough, like he had gravel in this throat.
“Quiet,” Nick said in his whistly voice. “J-boy will hear!”
Before I had a chance to scream, Nick pulled a roll of duct tape from his coat and tore off a piece to place over my mouth—what kind of person carries around duct tape?
Rock chuckled, his voice gurgling in his throat.
I was scared out of my wits; panic ran so high, my heart felt like it was breaking out of my chest. My ears went numb, and my eyes stung. Then I felt something quite different—it was rage, boiling hot rage—and Toby leapt from the bed and started swinging! With no results, his fists made clear paths through both the boys, as if he wasn’t even there. But he was, I could feel him, and that was enough to give me hope. I blinked thanks to him as he stood just behind Rock, just as helpless as I was.
“You go to J’s room and get what he wanted,” Rock commanded to Nick. “I’ll stay with our sweet cherry.”
“Why do you get to stay with J’s sister!” Nick argued. “I’ll stay while you get J’s stuff.” Nick tried to shove Rock away from in front of me, but Rock remained solid and shoved back at Nick. Then he leaned in for another smell.
Having him so close nauseated me. I kept my eyes fixed on Toby. Tears rolled down my face and fell from my chin, slowly soaking my shirt.
“Let me go first!” Nick pleaded. “I promise I’ll leave some for you.”
“Why should I? I’m here. I’ll go first, then if there’s anything left, you can have it!” Rock pried me off the dresser and turned me so he could force me down onto the bed.
“No!” Toby yelled so loud it hurt my eardrums.
“Why do I always have to take your leftovers?” Nick protested. “I’m tired of your scraps! I’m not your dog!”
Rock forced me to a sitting position at the edge of my bed. “Tape her hands,” he commanded, and Nick obeyed.
“Good boy,” Rock said as he held my wrists so tight, I couldn’t feel the tips of my fingers. He forced my hands behind my back. Then Nick taped my fingers together. I tried to wiggle them apart and found the bond was impossible for me to break. With just my fingers taped together, Rock was able to push me onto my back, lying flat against the bed. I was stuck, but I drew my knees up to my chest and held them there with all my might.
Toby stood beside my bed and shook with futile anger. I could feel his frustration and his remorse, so I clung to his feelings because they made me calmer in a way.
Rock seemed amused. He grinned evilly. “Nothing can stop me now,” he said, forcing his hand between my legs and grabbing my zipper.
As he did this, several things happened; Toby turned away and punched out at my window. His fist made contact, resulting in a loud bang that echoed through my room. This caused Rock to hesitate, and in that moment, Nick rushed him and tackled him to the ground. Then Nick stepped past his friend and came to lie down next to me.
“This time I’ll be first…” Nick said as he pulled himself closer.
I turned away and held my breath, but the next thing I felt was Nick being pulled from me. I turned back to see a mess of fists and a blur of two bodies intertwined in a fight. Nick and Rock exchanged angry words, but they were too busy attacking each other to bother with me. I was safe… for now…
Toby sat next to me and pulled a strand of loose hair from in front of my face. “Help is on the way,” he said calmly.
Looking up at Toby with my mouth gagged and my hands bound, I was reminded of my dream from the night before. I shivered, and Toby pulled his hand away as if he had received an electrical shock.
I looked past the two boys, who were entangled in a fight, and down my hall, where I saw Jake turn the corner of the stairs and rush toward them. He stormed in, looking larger than life. He pulled Nick and Rock apart, holding them both up by the scruffs of their necks. Looking from them to me, he said through clenched teeth, “I’m not going to ask what you were planning to do to my sister.” Then he dropped them and continued, “Go do what I sent you to. And don’t you ever, ever try to touch my baby sister again!” I’d never seen him so angry!
Both Rock and Nick fled from my room as if their lives depended on it, and I believe they did. However, my relief turned to panic as my brother shut my door and came over to me. “Skipping school, Mariah?” he asked, sitting on my bed where Toby had been just moments before. He even pulled back the hair from my face in the same way. “That’s not like you. You were always the good one.”
I looked from Jake over to behind him, where Toby stood. How could I need and despise Toby at the same time?
“Even Dad knew that you were the better kid.” Jake bent down close to me. My body went rigid as he neared. If anything, this was more uncomfortable than both of Jake’s friends put together.
“It’s alright, Mariah, he won’t hurt you.” Toby tried to calm me, but I didn’t believe him. I had never felt comfortable around my brother; now, being tied up, I didn’t feel calmer.
“Stay good,” Jake said into my ear, and then he straightened up. “I’m sorry, little sis,” he added as he got up from my bed, “I can’t untie you now. But I promise I’ll call mom later and tell her to come home.” With that he left my room, shutting the door as he went.
All I could do was listen as Jake and his friends stomped about doing who knows what. Toby started to say something, but I shook my head and rolled to my right with some difficulty and stayed in that position. Tears poured out of me. It was well after I had stopped hearing noises that I rolled onto my back again. My whole right side was numb from the pressure of being tied up. There stood Toby, standing over me at the edge of my bed with a miserable look on his face.
“I think I can untie you now,” he said. I didn’t respond, but that didn’t stop him from coming to my bed and carefully un-sticking the tape from over my mouth. It hurt worse than I could have imagined, but I didn’t make a sound. Then he helped me sit up and slowly unwound the tape from my fingers. Once they were loose enough, I pulled them free and brought my hands in front of me to examine them. My arms tingled as the blood circulated down them. My fingers were white, and they had the marks where the tape had bit into them, making them look as if the tape was still there. It was quite a while before I could bend them properly again.
It was 5:30 pm. Parts of that afternoon were a blur. I was dazed and distracted. Why was Toby even here? If he was sent to help, why did it seem that he was unable to the times when I really needed him? Yet he had untied me… As the hours slowly ticked past, I wondered what it would have been like to still be stuck, bound and gagged. Because no matter how late it got, my mom didn’t come home. Had Jake forgotten to call her? How long would I have stayed stuck? Yet despite my gratitude at being freed, I couldn’t even look at Toby. He had done that to someone else… Had he been alive, would he have thought twice about doing the same to me? But he wasn’t alive, he was stuck, and despite my strange dreams, he had never once been unkind to me.
I hardly ate, and I was too anxious to sit and watch television. Instead I wandered from room to room. Toby stayed a step or two behind me, never in sight, but I could feel his presence strong in my mind. Finally I settled down enough to take a shower, and then I retreated to my room to try and do some homework.
It was nearing nine in the evening when the phone rang. I turned to Toby wondering what I should do.
“You gonna answer that?”
“Who could it be?” I questioned. “Do you know?”
Toby just shook his head; he really was getting much less intuitive the longer he stayed with me. “It could be your mom…”
I sprinted up the stairs and into the kitchen. Despite all our problems, I needed to talk with my mother, to hear her voice, and to tell her I was alright. That’s if she was worried.
“Hello,” I answered, a little out of breath.
“Hi, is this Mariah?” a girl’s voice responded. It was Cindy, and despite my immediate disappointment that it hadn’t been my mom, I was glad it was her.
“Cindy!” I exclaimed, taking a seat at the table and looking out the window into the clear, star-filled sky.
“Hi,” she said once again, only now she had a giggle in her voice. “I really miss you.” Just hearing that brightened my evening!
I thought of that for a moment then said, “I’ve missed you too.”
“So what have you been up to with all your time off? Bet you’ve been having a grand ’ol time!”
“Sure, I’ve been all tied up,” I said, but she missed the sarcasm in my voice.
Toby gave a chuckle. “That’s what makes you so great, your ability to find humour in truly horrible things.”
I wanted to explain that that’s what I had to do to survive, but I was trying to have a conversation on the phone, and for some reason I still felt a little prickly toward Toby. I turned my back to him and listened to what Cindy was chattering on about.
“I’d be sleeping in and watching TV all day…” she was saying enviously. “Oh, but I forgot, how are your bites, or stings? I can never remember what they really are.”
“They’re bites with stings,” I said, quoting the school nurse. Then I thought for a moment; since that morning I had been too distracted by other things to really pay attention to my wounds. “Better, I guess,” I answered. “How are yours?”
“They itched like crazy Tuesday night. My mom had to put a sock on my hands when I went to bed, but she wouldn’t let me stay home. I only had five! I just can’t imagine what you’ve been going through. The school nurse called us in yesterday morning and applied some sort of local anti-itch cream, and it really did the trick. Today they’re mostly healed.”
“Ya, mine have been about the same,” I agreed. “So how is everyone else?”
“Well, Elijah stayed home on Wednesday. He got a secondary infection and had to go on antibiotics, but other than that we’ve all been fine. Oh, I was told to tell you that Rayla, Charlie, Teb, Dan and Elijah all say that they miss you, not just me. Rayla keeps asking if I know when you’re coming back to school. Charlie wants to know too; she made you a get well soon card, but she’s too shy to bring it to your house. You’re not still mad at her, are you?”
I felt hurt because she thought that about me. “I never was mad at her,” I replied softly. The stars twinkled. Funny how things could feel so calm after the day I’d had.
“So listen, you remember I invited you for a sleepover this Saturday? Well, I was wondering if you could come?” Her voice was filled with hope.
I hadn’t thought about that in days. In fact, until this call, I had forgotten that I was making friends and had a life outside of my family and Toby. Toby. I shuddered again and gripped the phone tighter. Then I answered, “Yes” before I could think too hard and talk myself out of the idea.
“Really!” Cindy sounded overjoyed. “That is so great!” she squealed and went on to talk about her plans, including the menu, the movie choices as well as her address, and when this great slumber party was to start; though why it was called a slumber party, she had no clue. We certainly were not planning to sleep, she warned. Then she begged me to come back to school tomorrow. “You make the day so much more interesting.”
“Ya, with me around you never know when you’ll be attacked by fire ants or have to evacuate the entire cafeteria…or worse,” I joked.
“I don’t think you have to worry about those things happening any more. The teachers had a meeting, and things are already being changed.”
I was intrigued; perhaps I would go back to school tomorrow just to see what Cindy meant. We said our farewells, and I hung up. No sooner had I pushed the off button when the phone rang again.
“Don’t answer it!” Toby called out. His voice startled me, and something about it made my back stiffen. “Please, don’t!” he pleaded a second time.
I turned to him, placing a hand on my hip. “Why shouldn’t I?”
“Just don’t,” he said flatly, looking away.
I didn’t feel like listening to him. In fact, I felt like doing the exact opposite of what he was telling me. I figured it had to be my mother. Who else would call me now? I was shocked when my greeting was answered this time by a male voice. I felt like I should recognize it, yet I was at a loss. Looking into Toby’s eyes, I could tell he knew.
“Who is this?” I asked, and then before he answered, I realized who it was…
“It’s Tony from bowling.”
“How did you get my number?” I wanted to sound surprised, but my true emotions could be heard all too clearly. Despite myself, I was happy that he was calling me and excited with the idea of talking to him and possibly seeing him again.
“I got it from Larry.” I heard amusement in his words.
“He gave it to you?” This time I did sound shocked. Larry had been warning me to stay away from Tony. Why would he give Tony my number?
“Well, not exactly.” There was a small pause, and then he went on, “Now why would you give your number to him? Unless you wanted me to get it, eh?” He sounded so confident, so sure of himself. But what about him getting mad at me in the storage room?
I could feel heat waves coming off Toby. He was fuming over me talking to Tony, and somewhere inside, I was glad I was causing him such discomfort. At that very moment, I felt like Toby had been nothing but a discomfort to me! “So you found out that Larry had my number and made him give it to you?” This idea made my heart flutter.
“Something close to that,” Tony said. “He always empties his pockets out onto his night table, so when I found your name and number on a piece of paper there, I just took it. I’m sure you wanted him to pass it on to me.” I could feel my cheeks aglow. Tony was really interested in me!
Toby continued to fume, and as if he could read my thoughts, he said, “More like the thought of you with Larry made him jealous, and he had to get you for himself.”
I waved him away distractedly and asked, “So what do you want then?” I couldn’t deny that my feelings of elation had seemed to sag with Toby’s input.
“Would you like to join me for a movie tomorrow?” Tony asked.
“Like after school?”
“No. Like a date, in the evening.”
My stomach did a flip. An actual date! I’ve never gone on a date before. No one had ever asked me!
“Don’t,” Toby said through clenched teeth as he tried to step closer to me, but he kept his distance when I glared at him.
I thought of Toby and that poor girl. I thought of what Mims had tried to do to me. Then I thought of Nick and Rock. My fingers were still sore and had faint marks left on them from the tape. I thought of Effie and all those ants. Then I thought about the other night with Tony in the storage room…
“Yes.”
“Mariah…” Toby breathed, but I turned my back on him.
“Wonderful!” Tony said excitedly; it was contagious, like a yawn, but much better. I felt giddy for the rest of our conversation.
We arranged our pick-up time and place, then I got off the phone and turned to Toby. “What?” I asked, all the pleasure seeping away at the mere sight of him.
He stood looking at me with his mouth agape. “I thought I explained to you how dangerous Tony is.”
“Oh,” I almost shouted, anger overflowing, “would that be more or less than you!” Toby looked as if I had slapped him. “Or would that be as harmful as Jake’s pals?” Toby’s mouth fell open, and his eyes widened, but he didn’t utter a word. “At least when I’m with Tony, it’s because I want to be!”
I stormed out of the room. I knew it was futile. He had to follow, but I did it all the same. Once down in my room, I paced back and forth until I eventually started to calm down; then I felt bad about the way I had talked to Toby. He was only trying to help, but I wondered if in some way he was just trying to keep me away from Tony because he didn’t like seeing me with him.
“Mariah, I’m concerned for your safety,” Toby said quietly as I finally took a seat on my bed.
“I know!” I cried. Toby had done nothing but take care of me. I brought both my hands up to cover my face. It all seemed a little too confusing. I felt his hand on my back, gently rubbing, being ever so careful of my healing spots. “But are you really concerned about me going out with Tony? Or is there something else?”
“I don’t know,” he whispered. “Whenever you’re close to him, I get confused… Mariah, he’s a player, he’s never had a steady girlfriend like Larry told you. He doesn’t know how. He’ll just end up using you. Is that what you want?”
I shook my head. That wasn’t what I wanted, but I found it hard for my heart to believe what Toby was saying. “But you keep telling me that he’s not as bad as you were,” I protested.
“No, he never was,” Toby agreed, “but he’s also not much better, especially when it comes to girls.”
I wanted to go out with Tony! More than anything! I couldn’t bear the thought of canceling, so out of desperation, I asked, “But what about your message? This will give me another chance to try and give it.”
“He definitely wants you to give him something…” I think Toby could tell how much I wanted to go, because he stopped and gave me a sad smile. “Mariah, he’s not going to…” He stopped and looked out the window.
As much as I wanted a date with Tony, I was now torn by my feelings for Toby. Suddenly it all seemed clear to me: Toby had a message for his old friend, Tony needed to hear it, and Toby needed me to give it. Things wouldn’t be right until that happened!
“Don’t give up,” I said. “You haven’t given up on me, and I’m not going to give up on you.” I pulled at his shirt.
“How can you say that? After everything, everything I’ve done. I’ve felt the way you’ve despised me today.” He tried to pull away from me.
“Yes.” I shut my eyes and held tight. He stopped resisting me. “That’s true. But most of it, I don’t think, has even been your fault.”
“How can you say that?” He pulled himself free, stood up and paced a bit. “Everything, all of it has to do with me, who I was!” He beat his chest. “I was a monster.”
“Alright,” I said reaching out and catching his hand, “That’s what you were. But that is not who you are any longer! From the moment you’ve appeared, you have treated me with respect, kindness and helped me in ways that might not appear obvious but have been truly helpful.”
He dropped to his knees in front of me. “But the longer I stay, the more I feel like the old me.”
“What do you mean?” I moved back slightly.
“I remember myself, things I’ve done. And old feelings I used to have. They surface at the most inconvenient times, and I’m having trouble separating them from now.”
“Like when?” I asked in a small voice, yet I wasn’t sure I wanted him to answer.
“Like this morning, I was dreaming…”
I put up my hand to stop him. I didn’t want to know. Had he been dreaming the same dream? Were our lives becoming too intertwined? Why was he here? “Let’s just go to sleep.” I stood and started to do my evening routine. Toby didn’t protest, but I heard him following me.
There was a time in my life when I felt so utterly alone that I longed for someone to be close to me, so I wouldn’t feel so lonely. Now I felt overwhelmed by Toby and longed for just a few moments where I could be by myself to collect my own thoughts.
As I tried to relax enough to fall asleep, I heard Toby’s breathing slow, and then I felt him shift and disappear. Now I could sense that he was just beyond my sight but right next to me, eyes closed, perhaps already lost in some dream. I pondered all the events of my life; taken in pieces, they were either horrible beyond words or more wonderful than imaginable. But put together, they seemed to even out. I wondered if life would always feel that way.