DAY
13
My mom came in at about three a.m., waking me, since I had fallen asleep on the sofa. She was drunk and talked very loudly as she explained about the great sale she had made and the celebration party that had followed. I came groggily into the kitchen as she made herself a snack and talked on and on about her great accomplishment. She gave me three hundred dollars and said it was my clothes allowance for the month. I didn’t protest. She’d already given me money that month, but I took it and waited for her to go to bed so I could clean up after her. Toby watched bleary-eyed, not saying a word.
Sleep came quick, and it wasn’t hindered by any memorable dreams. It was past noon when I finally woke and pulled myself out of bed. Toby seemed quieter than usual, but I was in a good mood. I had three hundred dollars and a yen to spend it. Putting together a snack on the run, I headed out to the mall.
As we shopped, Toby’s mood seemed to lift. I tried on several outfits, shirts, pants and even a corset for fun. He gave me his opinion of each item. He was like my own private personal shopper, and it was especially great because he would know if the salesperson was telling the truth or not.
I had a meal in the food court. I was enjoying my “Mariah special”—as Toby reminded me it was now called—when a familiar voice called my name. It was Larry.
“Mariah.” He took the empty seat across from me. Toby had just been recounting a memory of a pool game that had lasted all night, but he fell silent as Larry sat.
“Oh, hi.” Larry’s hair was just as dry and frizzled as ever, and his face was so round, it looked like a dinner plate.
“It’s nice to see you again.” Larry rearranged the contents of his tray so the burger was in front of him and the pop to the left, making me wonder if he was left-handed.
“Thanks.” I pretended to be looking across the mall, but I was actually staring at Toby. He gave me a shrug in reply.
“Who are you here with?”
I almost told him Toby, but I caught myself in time. “No one. Who are you here with?”
“Tony.” Larry nodded his head toward the Fry Shack. I turned to see him, and my heart jumped into my throat. I was torn—as much as my eyes enjoyed drinking him in and my whole body quivered with the idea of being close to him once more, I remembered the promise I’d made myself the previous night. What was I supposed to do?
“Um…” I stammered, looking all around for an excuse and a good escape route. I glanced at my half-finished meal.
“Need to go?” Larry asked. He had unwrapped his burger and started to eat it. I nodded vigorously. “Then go,” he said with his mouth full.
I took one last glance at Tony, who was now waiting for his order in the pickup line. Thanking Larry, I went to grab my tray to clean up, but he told me to leave it, and I scooted away. As I walked, I saw Toby was looking very pleased, but he took one last backwards glance at his old pal, and I thought I could feel all his regrets weighing down on my gut: He couldn’t save his best friend… and I couldn’t help him…
With my new purchases clutched tightly in my hand, I headed home to pack for the slumber party. I had bought some new PJ’s and undergarments. Cindy had mentioned a hot tub, so I also packed my swimsuit, though I wondered if I’d feel comfortable enough to wear it. Once my backpack was full, I went up to the kitchen to wait.
“How’s tonight going to work for you?” I asked Toby while I sat on the counter.
He leaned on the table across from me. “I’m not sure. I’m probably going to have to keep my eyes shut for a lot of it.” I felt bad for him, and I worried I might miss him, but I understood.
“Mariah, I’m glad you get to go on this sleepover, and I want you to have fun…” He looked down and ran his hand through his hair. “But I feel like I’m running out of time. I need you to start looking for that girl.”
I nodded. “Alright.” Hopping from the counter, I grabbed the phone book. “Just tell me her name, and I’ll start looking for her.”
Toby’s face fell.
“What?” I asked, the phone book weighing heavy in my hand.
He brought his hand up to his neck and rubbed it so hard, it looked like he was trying to pull it right off. “I can’t remember her name,” he said, as if every word hurt.
I dropped the phone book, and it landed with a thud on the kitchen floor. I rubbed my eyes. “How am I supposed to find her if you don’t have a name?”
Toby shook his head and slid to the floor on his knees. “I don’t know.”
“Alright, don’t worry. We’ll figure something out.” I rushed over to him and put my hand on his knee. “Tomorrow, ’K? Maybe we’ll be able to check out your school enrollment records or something…”
“I don’t think she went to my school,” Toby said, defeated.
I didn’t feel like he was making this any easier. “I’m sure something will come to you, you’ll remember something, I don’t know…” I didn’t know, and it felt pretty hopeless. How could we find a girl without a name?
“Oh, do you know where she lives?” He didn’t, not the address nor even an inkling of the general neighbourhood. Defeat was creeping in, but I didn’t want to give up. “How did you meet her?”
“Tony,” he said brokenly.
I moved back a foot or two and sat shaking my head. “You don’t… I can’t…” Why hadn’t he thought of this before our date? I might have still been able to ask Tony it then!
Toby looked up at me, his eyes filled with sorrow. “It’s alright, Mariah. I don’t expect you to see him again, not even to just talk. I don’t figure he would cooperate anyway. I’ll figure out another way. Like you said, it will come to me.”
I got up and headed out the door, still early, but I needed the fresh air to clear my head—too much Tony on the brain. I wondered if I’d made the right choice to never see him again… I tried hard to not let Toby’s misery permeate me.
Cindy’s house was only two bus stops from mine, so I decided to take the extra time I had and walk all the way there. I was quite excited to be going on my first sleepover, and as I got closer, I couldn’t wait to get there. As I neared the bus stop that we had all planned to meet at, I saw Charlie sitting alone. She was gazing down the street in the opposite direction waiting for the bus, but she turned my way and waved happily at the sight of me.
“It’s so nice to see you!” she greeted as she walked with me back to the bench. “I’m always early—horrible habit of mine.” She smiled. I admired her raven-black hair that shone in the sunlight. “Listen, I had told the others that I made you a get well card, but that wasn’t the whole truth. I felt miserable, and I really wanted to make you a card, but I just didn’t know what I should say, and I thought it was kind of a dorky idea. But I am really sorry, you know. I didn’t realize Sara was standing behind me. I forgot her locker is so close to mine. Well, I never meant for Effie and her gang to find out, or anything that happened…” She bit her lip and shifted nervously from one foot to the other.
I put my hand on Charlie’s arm. “It’s all in the past. I was never mad at you, so don’t worry.” Somehow it felt nice to be able to tell her this. It was freeing.
“Phew!” she exclaimed. She seemed to relax and sit down. As we waited, she told me all about herself. She was an only child, sort of. She had eight brothers or sisters that she knew of. She had been adopted when she was seven, but she didn’t remember much about her birth parents, or siblings. When things are too horrible to remember, sometimes your brain will forget to protect itself: at least, that’s what her therapist had told her.
I found it unnerving to have her be so honest with me.
“She’s being honest with you, you should try and do the same,” Toby coxed.
I didn’t know where to start. Charlie had run out of facts about herself and was looking down the road for the bus that would bring Rayla. Eventually, I started by telling Charlie that I had a hard time trusting people who said they were my friends, and I told her all about Stacy: how she’d betrayed me, the mean tricks she’d eventually played at my expense, the name calling and even the mud she had thrown at me in front of her new friends.
Charlie gave me a hug when I was done. “That must have been really hard. Did you tell your mom?”
That launched me into recounting of how my father had left, my mother had become too busy and my brother’s behavior had become scary. I didn’t share everything—I kept some things out of the story, like Jake killing Mims, and the latest encounter with Nick and Rock. But she got the general idea of my life.
“Well, perhaps our lives aren’t so different from each other in some ways.” Charlie said. “Only I guess I’m better off because I’m happy with the parents I’ve got now.” I laughed. I didn’t know why—it wasn’t funny.
Rayla arrived with her hair pulled back in a bandana. She squealed when she saw us and ran to give us each a hug, and then we all walked the three blocks to Cindy’s house, our mood high.
Cindy hadn’t lied when she said she had planned many great things for us. It started with pizza, only we had to make them from scratch. Cindy’s mother, a health-conscious parent, had all sorts of alternative flours to bake with. I found this interesting, but I was at a loss because I hadn’t even baked with whole wheat before. Cindy was the oldest of three biological siblings, and she also had other foster siblings. Her parents took the rest of the family out to dinner so we could make ours in peace.
Her house was huge, three stories, with five bedrooms upstairs and two in the basement, and a guest room on the main floor. There we were allowed to “set up camp,” as her mother called it. The living room had a huge plasma TV, where the characters were almost life-size. It also had three comfy sofas that matched, with a piano off to the side, and everything was clean. How’d her mom keep everything so tidy? Cindy explained that everyone had chores and was expected to clean up after themselves.
I was standing admiring her television when Cindy came next to me and said, “Just wait till we hook up the video games.”
Her backyard had a swing set, trampoline and the promised hot tub. As Rayla, Cindy and Charlie were chatting, I sat and watched, wondering how it would feel to grow up in a house like this, and feeling a bit like I was the only one with an unbearable home life.
“He’s the dreamiest!” Rayla teased Cindy. She and Cindy were watching the pizzas cooking.
“Who?” I asked, tuning in. Charlie was washing the counter.
“Greg—he’s in Cindy’s gym class.”
“Oh,” I said, still not having a clue who they meant.
“Cindy’s had a thing for him for ages,” Rayla explained.
“And so have you,” Cindy shot back, but it was plain they were just having fun.
“Well ya, but you saw him first, so it’s your move, sista.” Rayla gave Cindy’s arm a playful push.
Charlie smiled, threw the rag in the sink and took a seat at the table with me. “We don’t fight over who gets boys in our group. No, we fight over who doesn’t get them.”
“I don’t,” both Cindy and Rayla said
“That could be closer to the truth,” Charlie said while she scratched at a bit of dried up food on the table. “Because they’re going to take so long to make a move that Greg will already be snatched up by someone else.”
“Well, that’s easy for you,” Rayla retorted. “Not everyone can get a boyfriend as conveniently as you got yours.”
“Uncalled for,” Charlie said and turned her back on the other two. “It wasn’t easy. Once Teb and I figured out that we liked each other, we had to decide if our friendship could handle it. I mean, if it didn’t work out, which one of us would leave the gang?” Her nail lifted off some of the stain. “But I think they’re just jealous.”
“Why would one of you have to leave?” I questioned.
“Come on, you couldn’t see us both being in the group with that between us?”
She had a point. “I figured you’d understand, what with Elijah and all…” she stopped—my eyes had bulged. “Don’t tell me you hadn’t figured that out yet.”
I had, and I told her, but out of the corner of my eye I saw Toby smiling. He seemed to only be paying half-attention. In the back of my mind, I could see him trying to work out the problem of his mystery girl.
“Well, you better decide real quick if you like him and if it’s worth putting your friendships to the test.”
Rayla came over and leaned on the table. “Don’t listen to her. We wouldn’t give you up if things didn’t work out with Elijah.” Rayla had such a nice smile.
Charlie shook her head. “So what, you would stop hanging out with him?” Her eyes, so dark they looked black, bore into Rayla.
“Oh, why does everything have to be so doom and gloom with you?” Cindy asked, coming up behind Charlie and putting her hands on her shoulders.
“’Cause it’s the truth,” Charlie said, crossing her arms.
“It doesn’t have to be.”
Before any more could be said, the timer buzzed, and we went to take our pizzas out. Forgetting all about the previous disagreement, we ate dinner. Everyone laughed and talked about the latest celebrity gossip. Then we cleaned our dishes and headed to the living room just in time for the family to return. Cindy’s mother informed us that it would be two hours before we could “claim” the living room as “sleepover territory,” so we hid in the guest room. It wasn’t that private. The door to it had a huge glass pane almost the size of the door itself, and we caught every one of the younger kids with their noses pressed up to it at one time or another.
“Which one is that?” I asked as an adorable two-year-old boy with blond hair and light brown eyes, that reminded me a little of Toby’s, peered in.
“Elliot,” Cindy said. He was her foster brother who been living with them for six months.
“How many foster siblings have you had?” He kept his nose squashed up to the glass. “It must be hard when they leave.”
Cindy’s mom tapped on the glass. She explained that Elliot wanted a goodnight kiss. I watched Cindy go to him and embrace him, place a kiss on his cheek then airplane him to the stairs. “It’s always been this way,” she answered as she came back in. “I was five when they started. Goodbyes are hard, but they’re normal around here…” She glanced at Charlie. “There was only one sibling that I tried to convince my parents to adopt. She was my sister and my best friend.” Cindy took a few steps and put her arms around Charlie, “But we couldn’t adopt her. They had already found good parents, but I was promised she’d still be close enough to visit all the time!”
My mouth fell open.
“See, this is why we’ve got to keep you in the group,” Rayla said. “Otherwise I’m the third wheel.” Everyone laughed, but I felt like Rayla believed there was truth behind what she said. Everyone feels lonely, I guess…
Changing the subject, Rayla said, “Let’s do the hot tub.” Cindy and Charlie agreed, but I hesitated. All three girls started pulling their swim stuff out.
“You packed the suit, what’s wrong?” Toby said when he saw the look on my face. I couldn’t answer, but I looked down at my body. I wasn’t as thin as any of the other girls. “Oh,” Toby muttered, understanding my gesture. “Well, I’m sure they don’t care.” But I did. “Come on, what are you going to do, stay here? Where’s the fun in that?” I didn’t budge. “Listen, you’re going to have to get over this. No one else thinks you’re that big, and Mariah, you aren’t…” But he stopped as Rayla, who had been standing behind me, pulled off her shirt. In a split second, he was gone, but he kept trying to coax me in my ear.
I smiled. I found it amusing that I wasn’t the most uncomfortable one in the room, even if no one else knew he was here. Then I wondered what the other girls would think if they knew Toby was there, and that thought almost made me laugh out loud.
“Gonna change, Mariah?” Charlie asked.
I shrugged and then went to my bag and pulled my swimsuit out. Why not? It was only us girls. Timidly, and with the towel that Cindy’s mom had given me to use wrapped around myself, I changed. I could feel Toby just outside of my thoughts. I wondered if he knew we were all dressed again and heading out to the tub.
We had been sitting in the tub for only fifteen minutes when Cindy’s mom called from the balcony. “Girls, are you decent? The boys are here!” Out tromped Teb, Dean and Elijah, already in swim trunks.
“Oh, Cindy said slyly, “I might have forgotten to mention that Mom said they could join us for a while.”
Charlie almost threw herself onto Teb as he climbed in, which Dan complained loudly about. I wanted to sink from sight as Elijah stepped up to the tub.
“What’s the temperature like?” he asked, still standing on the outside, right behind where I sat. He reached forward to dip his hand in, and his arm brushed my shoulder in the process. I stiffened momentarily.
“What’s the matter, Elijah, would you rather just stand outside and watch?” Dan teased. Elijah’s face turned very red, and he looked away.
“You’re cruel,” Cindy scolded and splashed Dan in the face. It turned into a splashing match. Elijah got almost as wet as if he had been inside the tub. I moved to the side, feeling very exposed whenever the water rushed away from me as they created little tidal waves. Once the fun was spent, Elijah got in. With so many bodies in the tub, the seating was squishy, and somehow everyone shifted about so the only open spot was next to me. They’d planned it that way! I felt so nervous and shy that I wanted to call out to Toby. Where was he! Had he fallen asleep? My only comfort was that Elijah looked just as uncomfortable as I felt. We both stayed quiet as the other five joked and jabbered on. Occasionally we’d end up touching one another. It made me stiffen every time.
When it was time to get out, I was mortified. But the boys left quickly, so I waited until they were gone and got out, hoping I wasn’t being watched and they wouldn’t see me. I felt the size of a whale. Where had all my confidence gone? With a towel over the window in the door, we changed in the guest room. The boys were in the basement bathroom.
Rayla was dressed, and she came to stand close to me. “He really likes you,” she said quietly. I nodded, not quite sure what to say. “We dated once; he was a really good kisser…” I subconsciously put my hands to my lips. The memory of Tony’s lips was still alive on them. Rayla misinterpreted my gesture. “Haven’t you ever been kissed before?”
“I have!” I answered a little too quickly and forcefully.
“Oooooo, do tell!” Rayla exclaimed, loud enough to get the attention of the other two. Then she explained what was going on. Now all eyes were on me.
I didn’t want to lie for several reasons: one—it was something I’d have to remember I’d told them for the rest of our friendship, two—it would probably backfire like the ant story had, and three—how were we to be good friends if I didn’t tell the truth? But most of all because everything I could think of telling them would change their opinion of me…
Finally I said, “It was nothing really, one of my brother’s friends.” When I was pressed about it, I explained it away as if it were a one-time deal. He’d come to help me in our storage closet, and it just sorta happened. But the memory in the back of my mind was so strong, it made Toby pop back into existence.
“What’d I miss?” he asked groggily. Looking around, he seemed relieved that everyone was fully clothed.
“The boys will be waiting,” I said, trying to change the subject.
Rayla grumbled that she thought there was something I wasn’t saying, but Charlie shooed her out, then said to me, “This would be a friend of your troubled brother’s.” She wasn’t acting as if she’d caught me. Her words seemed more compassionate, as if she might have understood all too well how the story really went.
I was the last to enter the living room. Cindy’s mom, who was just an older looking version of Cindy, explained that we’d get one movie with the boys, then her husband would be taking them home. And she added that we needed to keep our voices low so the other kids wouldn’t be disturbed. Then she provided us with popcorn, chips, and fruit juice and left us to ourselves. When I checked, she was sitting at the kitchen table playing solitaire.
Charlie sat on one sofa with Teb, and Rayla sat on the other with Dan. That left me the spot on the third couch with Elijah and Cindy, who was in the kitchen getting cups. Elijah sat in the middle, leaving me a choice of sitting close to him on the left or close to him on the right.
Toby stood beside me as I tried to decide. “I don’t get it,” he said softly, “you were all over Tony when it was wrong, but now with Elijah, when it’s right, you are shy.”
I didn’t get it either, and the memory of Tony now made me feel slightly dirty. Yet I knew if I had the chance, I’d do it again, and again! I just didn’t understand it… I finally convinced my feet to move forward and chose to sit on Elijah’s left. Cindy returned, poured us all a cup of juice and sat on Elijah’s right. He shifted closer to me to give her room. I felt my muscles contract.
I watched as Charlie snuggled with Teb and felt a twinge of jealousy. Then in amazement, I saw Rayla lean against Dan in a friendly sort of way, and I wished Elijah and I could at least do that. He sat next to me casually, and I felt as stiff as a statue. I felt like Elijah wanted to make a move, and I prayed he wouldn’t. I just didn’t know how I’d react. I felt so dirty, so ugly and unworthy. I tried to relax enough to enjoy the show, but it was no use. Toby, who stood next to the sofa, twitched a bit from time to time. I knew he knew what I was feeling.
Finally, the movie ended, and the boys said their farewells. Everyone seemed tired. Rayla and Charlie joined Cindy and me on our sofa, and we started to watch the second movie. Toby yawned and disappeared into dreamland. Charlie eventually moved to one of the other sofas with her sleeping bag. Cindy stretched out on the other sofa and dropped off to sleep too.
Rayla and I were the only two left awake. “Listen.” She kept her voice low so she wouldn’t disturb anyone else. “Elijah really likes you! But you seemed to be withdrawn tonight. You’re not worried about what Charlie said earlier? You know, about how if things didn’t work out with Elijah, the group would have to pick only one of you to stay in.”
I nodded, not wanting to share the truth, even if I knew how. I had just gotten to a place where I liked having these friends, and already the prospect of losing them was imminent. That thought made me sad.
“That’s not how we work. Besides, we had a meeting yesterday at school, and we’ve decided that it’s not safe for you to go anywhere alone with Effie and her gang of hyenas on the loose. So we all made a pact about being committed to keeping you safe.”
I wished Toby were awake so he could hear this—he had suspected it all along. I heard a soft whistle in my ear. “Here’s a true group of friends— hold on tight to them.”
Suddenly I was worried that I could easily lose this loyalty I’d found with a simple mistake, or lie…and I wondered how I had managed to receive it in the first place. “Why are you being so nice to me?” I asked before I could stop myself.
Rayla scratched her head. “Well, I guess partly because I like having you in drama. The class just isn’t the same without you; you’re really fun to be around.” Then she added, “I guess because before you came to the school, it used to be me that was picked on by those jerks, all the way since we were in second grade together, and Cindy and Charlie kinda did the same thing for me.”
I smiled even wider. This realization flooded me with exhilaration. I wasn’t alone! “Why do you think they do that?” I asked.
Rayla leaned back and looked at the ceiling. “Someone once said that there is no real reason—just ’cause they can, I guess.”
“I heard this guy say that it was because I was special, somehow, and that scared them,” I said with a hint of embarrassment. Toby chuckled in my ear.
“Ya, a counselor once told me it was sorta like a power struggle, before it even became one. Like they wanted to beat you down before you can even stand up. I don’t know. I think it just comes down to them deciding that somehow they are better than us, so that gives them the right to act that way.” She sat up straighter. “It doesn’t matter why! What matters, is you didn’t do anything to deserve it. They are wrong.” It wasn’t me! There wasn’t anything wrong with me. It was them. They just had to be mean to someone, so they chose me, because I looked like the easiest.”
It felt great to hear what Rayla said. I could imagine Toby jumping up and down and applauding, but he stayed quiet.
Feeling satisfied, I leaned my head back next to Rayla. I started to watch the movie again, and Rayla did the same. I became aware of her steady breathing, and looking over, I saw she was sleeping soundly. I looked from her curled up on the same sofa as me to Charlie who lay on the floor with the sleeping bag protectively pulled about her, then at Cindy who slept on the other sofa stretched out with an arm hanging over the edge and her leg propped over the back of the couch. Then I looked at Toby, who appeared on my free side.
He too did a quick scan of the three girls. As he turned to me, he wore a look I couldn’t decipher. “What do you think of Elijah?”
I leaned back, thinking about him. The whole night, I had felt ill at ease. With a shrug, I answered, “He’s alright, I guess.”
“But don’t you like him?” Toby scratched his head.
I closed my eyes. I had liked hearing that he was interested in me, but perhaps that was just because I had never realized that I was admired before …
“Mariah, Elijah is a nice guy. He wouldn’t try to hurt you or force you into anything you wouldn’t like. How come with him you are reserved, but with Tony you abandon all reservations?”
I didn’t know. All I knew were my feelings. “When I’m with Tony, it feels fun, exciting, a bit dangerous, thrilling…” I whispered.
Toby made a face like someone was forcing him to swallow horrible medicine.
“With Elijah, I feel scared, worried, like what if he doesn’t really like me? And I just don’t know what he’s going to do next. At least with Tony I know. And even though I know it’s wrong, it sort of feels more right.”
Toby brought his hand down and shifted to face me. “You know, I think I understand. I can remember that feeling: the excitement, the prospect of being caught, the danger, and the thrill of the hunt. I can see it clearly… It was all wrong.”
“Does that make me all wrong?” I asked with tears in my voice.
“No,” he said with such conviction that I narrowed my eyes. “Absolutely not. Perhaps your wiring is mixed up. Somehow you learned that wrong feels right, bad feels good—and I’d wager that good to you feels bad, or right feels somehow wrong.”
Gloom crept in. “Will I ever be able to enjoy myself? Will I never be happy? If something is good, I feel bad, but if it feels good, I know it’s bad, so I end up feeling worse!” I shuddered, “Is there no hope for me?”
He pulled me close to his chest with strong hands. “Never give up on hope.” Warmth spread from him to me. “I know that if you learned this stuff, then you can most certainly unlearn it!” I closed my eyes as tears cascaded down my cheeks. “I was mixed up too, and being mixed up, I tried so desperately to feel better by chasing my tail in this constant downward spiral, of doing wrong to feel good, only to end up feeling worse…”
“But how do I get out of it then?” He had tried to fix it by looking to make himself feel better, if only for a moment. I had tried to surrender to the feeling of misery. What was the solution?
“I’m not positive,” he answered, “but I think we’re heading in the right direction. It’s a process, a journey—there are no quick solutions. If I have learned anything from my life, it’s that to try and get instantly better is only a trap. Mariah, give yourself some time. You’ll get it soon enough. Just keep it firm in your mind that you are wired this way. Don’t let false happiness hinder your quest for true joy.”
For a brief moment I felt jealous of him. He didn’t have these troubles any more! Then, as I shut my eyes, I felt all of Toby’s regrets piling up at the back of my mind like a great mountain. He may not have these problems now, but he also had no way of finding freedom from his mistakes. I fell into a peaceful sleep as the end of the third movie played quietly in the distance.