DAY
14

Sunday…

It seemed like I had only closed my eyes for a moment, but when I opened them again it was light out, the TV was off and a young boy stood next to the sofa watching me. He looked to be about five, with a large birthmark on the side of his face.

“She’s awake! She’s awake,” he screamed and ran from the room.

“Well, she’d definitely be awake now.” I heard Cindy’s voice from the kitchen, then she walked in. “You are one sound sleeper!”

I sat up, rubbing the dust from my eyes. Looking around, I wondered aloud where Charlie and Rayla were. Toby opened his eyes too and looked slightly disorientated.

Cindy took the seat next to me. “Charlie had to go home early. Rayla was just picked up a few minutes ago.”

“What time is it?”

“Quarter past one. My mom was beginning to wonder if you’d fallen into a coma, and if she’d have to administer insulin or something.” She smiled apologetically.

“Wow,” I breathed, filled with shock. “I don’t think I’ve slept this well before.”

“Well, you stayed up pretty late.” Cindy looked over to the kitchen. “We saved you pancakes.”

I ate them hungrily as the house buzzed with activity. Cindy’s mom was in charge; there was no mistaking that. She broke up three fights, fixed a scraped knee and managed to get two not too happy girls to start work on dinner. In the midst of all this, she asked me questions about myself and really listened when I answered. I wished I had a mother like Cindy’s, and I didn’t want to leave. However, no matter how much I stalled, eventually my time came to an end.

As I stood at the door saying goodbye for the third time, Cindy offered to walk me home. I eagerly accepted, and before long we were heading down her front steps and along the street that carried me away from the happiness of her bustling home towards the dreaded silence and loneliness of mine. If Toby hadn’t been at my other side, I wouldn’t have had the courage to go home.

“I love your house,” I said as we walked down the second block.

“Oh ya,” Cindy said, shaking her head. “It can be a bit overwhelming sometimes.”

“No,” I explained, hearing the disbelief in her voice. “It’s really nice, and you have a great mom.” I’d trade her with my mom in a heartbeat!

“Tell me that when she’s banned the family from all sugar for a month again.”

“She did that?” I’d still trade with her!

“Ya, it was terrible! We didn’t have any cookies or bars, and let’s not even mention the list of goodies I wasn’t allowed to buy from the store.”

“Why would she do that?”

“Well, sometimes my mom gets it in her head that she wants us to be more healthy, so she removes things like wheat or sugar, and once even milk.”

I nodded, but secretly I still wished I had a mother as loving and caring as Cindy had. She might make life feel harder, but at least she really cared about her children.

Cindy seemed to have many small complaints; there were too many siblings, her father was always away at work, and her mother was, as she put it, “a bit of a nut.” All in all, it didn’t sound like she had anything to really complain about, but I listened, even if I was envious.

“Then again, it’s not like I have a mother like Anna,” Cindy finally said.

We turned down a lane that would lead into my complex. “Who’s Anna?”

“Oh, she’s a girl that used to come to my music group on Tuesdays. Now her mom was a nut! She wasn’t allowed anything but fruit and vegetables! I really felt sorry for her.”

Toby had almost tripped over his feet when he had heard the name. “Ask her what Anna’s last name was,” he begged. I did.

“Miller. Why?”

Toby stopped in his tracks, so I had to stop too. Cindy stopped and looked over at me. Thinking quick, I said, “I think I might know her, what does she look like?”

“Oh, I’m not good at this,” Cindy said, “but I guess she had long, wavy blonde hair, brown eyes, and she’s kinda your size and height, and…” Cindy gestured with her hands to mean my chest and hips.

Toby’s mouth had dropped open.

“Do you know her?” Cindy asked.

“Maybe,” I said and started to walk again. I knew now that he had heard the name, Toby wouldn’t forget. “You say she used to come to your music group?”

“Ya, she was a sort of a funny girl. Her mother home-schooled her, and she was a bit, I don’t know, unique. She liked to wear very bright clothes, and she didn’t really listen to the teacher when she told the class it was time to do anything. Anyway, about three weeks ago, Anna came, and she was different, like quieter, then she just didn’t come again.”

I felt my heart break for this girl. I knew what had happened to her, and I could only try to imagine how it made her feel.

“That’s my house,” I said, pointing to the one in the centre of seven rows of identical townhouses.

“Do you ever get confused which house is yours?” Cindy asked.

“Oh ya,” I giggled, recalling one time. “I was running back in, and I guess I hadn’t realized how far I had walked, because I ran up the stairs and burst through the door. It was only then that I figured out I was in the wrong house, and the people sitting at the table weren’t my family!”

Cindy laughed so hard she had to stop walking. “Listen, wait for me on Monday, I’ll walk down here, and we can go to school together.”

“It’s a deal!” I thanked her and we parted.

“Anna Miller!” Toby said before I had even shut my front door.

I spent the next two hours looking up the name Miller in every phone book I could find, and even on the online directory. Then I called everyone I found, pretending I was a friend, and I was looking for her. But no one had a daughter named Anna Miller.

Toby sat slumped in the kitchen chair. I looked up to the microwave clock. It was nearing six in the evening. I felt tired and frustrated. The pancakes I’d had five hours earlier were completely digested, and my stomach growled.

“Let’s call it a night,” Toby said, though he didn’t sound happy.

I got up and started to look through the fridge for something to eat. Our supplies were running out, so I pulled together a pitiful supper of Mr. Noodles and some leftover ham slices, and then sat down with the list to write out my requests. I was wondering if I should talk to my mom about doing the shopping myself as I wrote. I made a small note about it at the bottom under apples and “any other fresh fruit you can find.”

Taking my food into the living room, I turned the TV on. Toby slumped down next to me but stayed quiet. My mind wandered, and I wondered if there was anything else I could be doing to help him. He gave a little jump seconds before the doorbell rang. I turned to him, but he seemed distracted, so I went to the door to see who it was for myself.

Tony stood on the other side. “What do I do?” I asked in my quietest whisper, expecting Toby to tell me to leave him out there.

Toby looked through the peephole himself. “He brought you flowers?” He scratched the back of his neck and added in an undertone like he was talking to himself, “I’ve never heard of him bringing flowers.”

The doorbell rang again. “What do I do?” I asked again.

Toby stood staring back at me. “I want to ask him a question,” he finally answered. Dread filled my heart.

“You want me to let him in?” I said, astonished. The memory of Tony’s arms all over me on Friday played in my mind. I wanted to let him in… What would I do if he were in my house? How would I be able to stop him? Would I be able to stop myself? What about the promise I’d made?

“I need you to ask him about Anna. He’s the one who introduced me to her. I need you to get her number from him.” I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to do this.

Before I could protest, Toby reached out, unlatched the lock and opened the door. Tony wore a tight black shirt and sleek black jeans. He hadn’t put any product in his hair, so it curled in loose waves about his head.

As he held out the bouquet of flowers, I noticed that Tony had not worn his school ring. I felt grateful for that. Maybe he hadn’t come to score. “Good evening,” he said as I took the flowers, and he stepped over the threshold to my house. I felt a tingle race down my spine. I was excited—I was scared.

I walked into the kitchen. Hearing the door close behind Tony made my heart pound. I found a vase and plopped the flowers into it, then filled it with water. All the while I kept looking at Toby out of the corner of my eye.

“It’s so good to see you,” Tony said. “I was disappointed when Larry said I’d missed you at the mall. Couldn’t you wait around just to say hi?”

With the water still filling the vase, I kept my back to Tony. “Ya, I had to rush home. I had somewhere I needed to go.”

“Oh. That’s why you weren’t home last night.”

How did he know that? Had he tried to call? Was that disappointment I heard in his voice? The thought of it made butterflies tickle the inside of my stomach.

I turned around to put the vase on the table and walked into Tony. He embraced me so tightly, I could barely breathe, and brushing his cheek against mine, he said, “There’s just something different about you…” It didn’t take long for our lips to meet and lock.

I know Toby was watching, and I could almost feel the ice in my veins that he described, but that made the moment feel all the more exciting. Here I was again. My mind screamed no, but my body begged yes. All hope of having a sensible conversation left me. Toby’s request fell from my thoughts like leaves off a tree in autumn. Tony took the vase from my hand, put it on the table, and then he guided me out of the kitchen, down the hall and to the living room.

The television happily chattered in the background as Tony laid me on the sofa, and I didn’t protest. I felt like I was floating, not quite in my body any more as he came to rest on top of me. I was surprised at how quickly time seemed to move. One moment he had his hand up my shirt, the next my bra was unclasped, and all too quickly his pants were off.

Toby shook my foot and I jumped. For the first time since that fateful night when he’d come into my life, I had completely forgotten that Toby was there. Tony took my jerk as a good thing and moaned into my ear.

“Mariah!” came Toby’s voice as he shook my foot harder. “You have to stop.”

I couldn’t—like someone who’d jumped off a cliff, I was falling, and despite my feeble attempts to slow down, I wasn’t able to make anything stop.

“Oh yes,” Tony breathed into my ear as his hands found my jeans button and started to unclasp it.

“Mariah, listen.” I could hear Toby’s voice cut through the fog that clouded my brain. “I know you can hear me. You are in grave danger, but I can help.”

“Mmmmm,” I responded, though I’m not sure if it was in response to Toby or to what Tony was doing.

“Don’t worry, just do exactly what I say, when I say it,” Toby instructed.

“I’m not worried,” I breathed out.

“Oh, beautiful, neither am I,” Tony hummed to me.

That all changed in a heartbeat! The front door opened and slammed shut, and before I could respond—Jake stood over the sofa. Tony didn’t know what had hit him; Jake was so quick when he grabbed the collar of his shirt and hauled him off me. Tony landed in a crumpled heap at the end of the sofa.

“Mariah!” Jake said, leaning down to where I lay.

That’s when I heard Toby yell, “Run, now!” I didn’t hesitate; I scrambled out from under Jake and took off in the direction of the kitchen as I heard someone fall to the floor behind me. I made it safely to the kitchen to find Tony there, looking like a trapped animal. He’d grabbed a knife from the dish rack and held it up like it was a protective sword. In his other hand he held the cordless phone.

I heard the line ringing, then a female voice came on and answered, “Emergency, 911, how can I help you.”

“I’m under attack!” Tony said through panicked breaths.

“Get the gun,” Toby said. I hesitated. “Mariah, get it now!”

From down the hall I could hear Jake stomping as he headed our way. I dove past Tony and pulled the junk drawer clear out of the cabinet. It crashed to the floor. I was able to locate two bullets, and then I reached into the empty space where the drawer had been and found the revolver stuck to the bottom of the counter, just like my mom had said it would be.

With shaking hands, I pulled it free from the tape and started to load it the way Toby told me to. I could hear the conversation Tony was having with the 911-dispatch operator. He gave my address.

I got the gun loaded, and Toby told me to hand it to Tony. Tony passed me the knife just as Jake came staggering in; he was clearly drunk and probably stoned.

I could hear my heart pound in my ears, and my body shook so badly I wouldn’t have been able to stand had I wanted to. Toby stood across the room from me in invisible safety and watched as the events unfolded. Yet as the tension mounted, he swayed as if being knocked across the face.

“It’s not your fault!” he cried out, but I was beyond able to register what he said.

“I have a gun,” Tony threatened. He danced from one foot to the other just inches from where I was. He looked as if he was protecting me from Jake, whose eyes were glued on me alone.

Only now did Jake seem to stop and take stock of the situation. “Hang up the phone,” he said calmly, reaching around his back slowly.

“Jake has a gun too,” Toby said in a panicked voice next to my ear. “Tell Tony to shoot!”

“Don’t use the gun unless absolutely necessary!” the operator’s tinny voice came from the receiver. “The police are on their way.”

“Tell Tony to shoot!” Toby yelled.

“But he’s my brother,” I moaned.

Jake started to pull his hand out from behind his back, revealing a shiny revolver. He was taking aim as he said in a commanding voice, “Hang up the phone, boy, and step away from my sister.”

Toby stood up and reached over to Tony’s hands that shook as he aimed the gun at Jake. I closed my eyes and yelled “No!” as I heard one shot, then a second. Tony fell onto me and stayed there, covering me. Confusion, worry and fear filled those silent seconds that followed, even though it felt more like a lifetime.

“It’s going to be alright,” Toby said. “Open your eyes. The cops are here.”

I heard an unfamiliar voice speaking. He was reading Jake his rights. I opened my eyes and saw Jake sitting on the kitchen floor less than five feet from me. His right leg was all bloody.

A second cop, a woman, came over to Tony and me. Offering Tony a hand to stand up, she asked if we were alright.

“I’m fine,” Tony answered, though his voice sounded anything but fine.

“And you, young lady?” The cop bent down to me.

I just blinked. My mind was swimming. I shook from head to toe and felt nauseous. I could feel a cold sweat trickle down my forehead.

“What’s wrong with her?” Tony asked, kneeling next to the cop. He reached out and put his hand on the side of my face. “She’s all cold,” he said, scanning me up and down.

The cop did a quick check to see if I was hurt, then she too put her hand on my head. “She’s going into shock. Are there any blankets we can use to keep her warm?”

Tony jumped up. “Ya, in the living room.” He left to get them. Jake was being escorted out of the house as Tony passed.

“And son?” the female cop yelled out, “Put some pants on!” She smiled and looked back down at me. “You’re going to be alright.”

Toby echoed her words and rubbed my back. I shook so violently that I couldn’t breathe properly. My lungs ached, and my fingers tingled with the lack of oxygen.

“Come on, darling,” the cop said, pulling me up to a sitting position, “snap out of it.”

“Mariah, it’s over. You are alright.” Toby tried to console me, but I couldn’t get the image of Jake’s bloody leg out of my head.

Tony returned with blankets, and the cop wrapped them around me. My teeth chattered.

“Stay with her,” she said to Tony. “Don’t let her go. I’m going to call for medical help. If she doesn’t snap out of it quick, we’ll have to take her to the hospital.” She ran from the room.

“I’m so sorry,” Tony whispered into my ear as he hugged me tight and reached around my back to re-clasp my bra. I felt even guiltier as he showed me this kindness.

“Not your fault,” Toby choked as he was hurled backwards by my pain and guilt. If I weren’t with Tony, then Jake wouldn’t have gotten so angry. He might not have attacked us. It was entirely my fault!

My stomach lurched, and I was able to bolt to the kitchen sink before everything was expelled. I finished heaving when the female cop returned with a paramedic. Tony held the blanket around my shoulders, and Toby lay on the floor muttering “not your fault” like a broken record. I was ill a second time before I slid back down to the floor, where Tony joined me.

“All better now?” the cop asked.

I nodded weakly, but the paramedic insisted on thoroughly checking over both Tony and me before he left. Sitting on the kitchen floor once more after our mini exams were done, Tony reached over and drew my head down to his chest. I slowly relaxed against him and was soothed by the sound of his heartbeat.

The female cop took a call on her cell phone. “I have to check on something outside,” she said as she turned to leave, “but I still need statements from both of you.” She stopped at the door. “By the way, my name is Sue. I’ll be right back.”

Tony nodded and held me a bit closer.

Toby slowly pulled himself off the floor. His face looked like it had been used as a golf tee; he had lumps all about both cheeks and his chin. I watched him from where I lay against Tony’s chest.

“He’s here, now? Isn’t he?” Tony seemed to be looking where I looked.

I slowly nodded.

“I didn’t fire the gun, you know?” Tony said in a shaky voice.

I pulled myself off his chest and leaned back against the cabinets. I watched Tony as he tilted his head this way and that.

“I didn’t aim it. And I didn’t fire it.” He looked from where I had said Toby was to me. “And I was pushed down on top of you.” His eyes were wide.

Toby nodded. “You weren’t telling him to shoot. Tony needed to shoot Jake, or Tony was dead.” Past all the bruises that grew on his mangled face, I could tell his skin was pasty white.

“Toby says he saved your life,” I stated flatly.

Tony closed his eyes and put his hand up to the back of his neck like Toby always did. Seeing him do it gave me a shiver. “Well,” Tony said, “it certainly wouldn’t be the first time.”

“So you believe me now?” I sat up a little.

Tony looked to the spot where I had told him Toby was sitting and stared long and hard. “It’s hard, because I don’t see him, but I know what happened tonight, and it wasn’t me.”

Toby pulled himself up to his knees. “Can you tell Tony something for me?”

I nodded. Tony continued to look from me to the empty space where Toby sat.

“Ask him if he remembers our last night together?”

I relayed the question. Tony said he did.

“Remember that afternoon?”

“Ya man,” Tony said, seeming really tense.

“You had said that you thought we got a bad deal?” I worried a little about saying those words to Tony again. The image of him raising his hand to hit me flashed behind my eyes. But I knew that the police were just outside my door, and that gave me the confidence I needed to relay the message.

Tony closed his eyes. “Ya,” he answered quietly. “Listen, I’m really sorry I tried to hit you the other night…” he said. Then to Toby, “It was you that stopped me.”

Sue walked back in. She held a clipboard in her hands. She came over to us and sat down crosslegged on the floor. “Now, it’s clear that what you did was an act of self-defense, and you will not be considered guilty for anything that took place in this house tonight. But I need to understand how the events unfolded so we can have it on our records, and it may be used against the attacker…”

“My brother,” I said quietly.

Tony’s eyes widened. Sue’s face filled with pity.

“Jake Lafont is your brother?” Sue said as Tony breathed, “J-boy.”

“How is he?” I asked, ignoring them, almost too afraid of the answer.

“He’s high and drunk, but he’ll live. You had a pretty good shot, son, clear through his thigh, missing any major arteries. He’ll have a good scar to brag about while he spends his next few years in jail.”

I wanted to sound shocked as I said, “He’s going to jail?”

“Oh, yes, this is just the last in a long list of reasons why we have a warrant for his arrest.”

“I don’t want to know,” I said.

“I couldn’t tell you anyway.” Sue shifted. “Just to let you know; he will go to jail; the only question will be is if it’s for five, ten or twenty years.”

I nodded numbly. Tony continued to look at me, shocked.

“Now, I need your statements please.” She took them, first Tony’s, then mine. I wanted to leave out the way Jake had found us, but Tony didn’t seem as embarrassed by it. Sue was supportive and understanding the whole time and only asked questions when it wasn’t clear what we were describing to her. Once we were done, she told us that she needed one of our parents to sign us out of the police custody, but I didn’t need to worry, my mother was on her way home. Tony, on the other hand, would have to go down to the station, because his parents were unreachable. He didn’t seem surprised to hear that. Toby shook his head sadly at the news.

Then Sue left us again, saying she’d return when it was time to take Tony with her. Tony seemed to stiffen at these words, and only once she had left the room did he exhale. Toby shifted around next to me and took my hand in his.

“Sweet Mariah,” he said, and his words sounded like it was confession time again. I braced myself. “Yet again I have discovered another way that we seem to be connected.” I closed my eyes, but I had a feeling I knew what was coming. “That bad deal…” Toby was saying, but it was Tony who took over his speech.

“Man, I thought J-boy had tracked me down for ratting him out.” I looked to my left, where Tony sat. “That bad deal, that was J’s,” he sighed and rested his head against the cabinets.

Toby just nodded. For some reason I wasn’t as mad at Toby. In fact, I wondered for the first time if it was me that should be apologizing.

“Don’t suppose you know that eight other kids died in that deal?” Tony said, looking at the spot where Toby had been before.

“I thought nine had died,” I said quietly.

“Ya,” Tony said. “Toby here, he was the ninth.”

I covered my mouth.

“Man, I don’t know what I’m going to do without you, Toby,” Tony lamented. I looked from Tony to Toby, noting all their similarities once more.

“You’ll be better off,” Toby replied, but I didn’t relay it, because I didn’t think Tony was in the place to hear it. Instead he gave me something new to say. “Can you tell Tony I’m trying to fix some of my mistakes?”

“Toby says that he made a lot of mistakes while he was alive, and now he’s trying to repair them,” I repeated.

“Like what?” Tony asked.

“Well, you for one,” I said bluntly.

“What did he do so wrong with me?” Tony asked defensively.

As Toby talked, I tried to explain what he said, about a life filled with frivolous pursuits and empty successes. Tony shook his head, not able to comprehend.

Toby started to get frustrated and finally said, “Just ask him about Anna.”

“Never mind then. He was wondering about this girl you hooked him up with—Anna Miller?” It came out a bit edgy, with my frustration over Tony not understanding what Toby was telling him, or was that Toby’s frustration flowing freely through me?

Tony shook his head, his voice low. “You don’t want to know about her…”

“I already do,” I said flatly.

Tony shook his head again and gave his neck another rub. It was making me crazy to see him act so much like Toby. “I can’t believe he told you about that,” Tony whistled. “That’s some pretty bad, um…stuff we did.”

“At least he can see I was wrong for doing that,” Toby commented sadly.

“Its funny how in death you get honest,” I said, not quite understanding the way Tony was talking. Toby gave my hand an encouraging squeeze.

Tony brought his hand down from his neck and looked at me. “He’s dead, he’s really dead.” He looked at the spot where Toby had been. “You know, I kept expecting him to show up and tell me it was all one of his huge practical jokes. He used to do all these stupid pranks, big like, and this just felt like it was his style. You know, the deal was bad, and by the end of the evening, we had figured it out. Toby was going to drive this girl home, and it would be convenient if he had this huge wreck then hid out in the woods until all this trouble blew over.” Tony shook his head and licked his lips. “Even when his mom told me, at his funeral, that the dental records matched, I didn’t want to believe her. She could have been in on the joke too… He was my best friend, the only one who was better than me. I mean, before he came to my school, I was hot shit, excuse me, but he was better than I was, and he had style. If he wanted to hurt someone, they hurt for the rest of their lives. There was this one kid that was causing real trouble for us, so Toby just ordered up a bunch of fire ants from Texas…”

Toby shifted uncomfortably under my weight. I cringed at the story and interrupted. “Ya, fire ants, nasty little buggers, could kill someone if they aren’t stopped.”

Tony fell silent and looked over to me. I could see him looking at the scabs that were still visible on my neck where the shirt didn’t cover them. “I heard about a copy-cat job down at East Ridge High school. You know, I was impressed that Toby’s pranks had made that big an impact.”

I unconsciously scratched at one of my old wounds. “Interesting how it’s not as funny to be on the receiving end.”

“Great, I’ve left a legacy of cruelty,” Toby said, dropping my hand and running his hand through his hair.

We sat in an uncomfortable silence until Sue returned. She escorted Tony from the room, and he almost looked glad to be leaving to go sit in the police station. As he was at the doorway, he looked back, scanning the room. I wondered if he was trying one last time to catch sight of his old friend, as if somehow seeing him again would make everything better.

When they were gone, I moved onto the kitchen chair and looked out the window. My mom was standing out on the front walk talking to the officer who had arrested Jake. She looked angry and animated as she spoke. Sue guided Tony past the two of them, and catching sight of him, my mom jerked her head up to me in the window. Then she talked with the officer for several more minutes.

When she finally came in, she headed straight for the liquor cabinet. Returning with a full glass, she inspected the door and wall. “Oh,” she sighed heavily, “what are the neighbours going to say.” She closed the door. It swung back a few inches, and a huge gap was in the place where the latch used to be. “I guess we’ll be needing a new door,” she said as she walked away. “I wonder if the super will be able to fix it?” but it was clear she wasn’t talking to me any more.

I stared out the window. Dusk was falling and the world seemed to wrap itself in twilight. A quiet breeze made the trees sway gently, and a few leaves fell. The world seemed oblivious to any troubles. Yet inside my head, my life raged on, and I sat with the reality that it was my world that had caused Toby his greatest grief. My brother was responsible for his death.

The wind pushed the door open further and made the bouquet on the table flutter. It was then that my thoughts returned to Tony, to our night before it was interrupted, and I wondered how far it would have gone had we not been stopped. I held my hand to my mouth. I could taste the bile at the back of my throat. Not again. I silently begged my body to behave.

Toby, who was still sitting on the floor, reached up and took my hand. His warmth seemed to chase away my nausea, but I couldn’t stop my thoughts from racing. Toby had said what it felt like when I… I knew that when I abandoned all reason and gave in to my pleasure, his pain just began. I was about to say something when my mom wandered back through the kitchen.

“No, it does not lock! It doesn’t even close!” she yelled at someone on the phone. “Well, what do you recommend?” She stood in the archway, tapping her foot. “Then I guess that will have to do!” She pressed the off button and slammed the phone onto the stove. “We’re on our own for the night,” she snapped, looking over at me.

I didn’t know what to say, but I was more scared of my mother than I was over having no lock on the front door for the night.

She stood staring at me through an unfocussed gaze, and then she narrowed her eyes like she was truly noticing me for the first time. Placing her hands on her hips, she asked in an icy voice, “Who was that boy they escorted from our house?”

“Um…” I stammered.

“The police said that you two were necking?”

Like a deer in the headlights, I froze. What should I say?

“Mariah, I hope you know how to be safe.”

“What?” I asked, feeling as if I’d missed something.

“Safe!” She raised her voice. “I don’t want to hear about any accidents happening!”

Accidents? I wondered. What did she think tonight was? We had no front door! What could be more of an accident?

Coming over and roughly pulling the chair beside me out, she threw herself into it. “What am I going to do?” she moaned, bringing her hands up to her face and starting to cry. I sat paralyzed, watching her. Her features were accented with fatigue and stress, and as she cried I realized I was even more afraid of her like this than when she was yelling at me.

“He’s done for good this time,” she sobbed. “No lawyer will be able to get him off now! He’ll have to go to jail for at least a year or two. What am I going to do without my boy? I love him.”

These last words enraged me! I leapt from my chair, letting Toby’s hand drop and yelled, “Your boy killed someone else’s boy; don’t you know that!” Once I started, I didn’t know how to stop. “And what about me!” I raged. “Don’t you care about me? He almost killed me; he might have if Tony hadn’t shot him first! You know he let his friends tie me up, and then they left me, left me! I was stuck for hours! Don’t you care? Don’t you care about me?” I shook, but I stayed standing, my chest heaving.

Toby was still sitting on the floor, staring up at me with an awed expression on his face. My mom slowly brought her hands down from her face, and then stood. And before I had a chance to react, she reached out and slapped me across the face. I fell back into the chair.

“Don’t you ever, ever tell such lies about your brother again. He might have been mixed up with the wrong people, but he would never kill anyone, nor do I believe he would tie you up. When was this—how did you get out? Your brother is mixed up in a whole mess of trouble, and he needs our sympathy and support! As for you,” she leaned toward me, the scotch on her breath making me cough, “I don’t ever want to hear you complain that I don’t care enough about you! I feed you, I clothe you, and I give you a nice place to live with all sorts of comforts! If anyone should feel like they are being taken advantage of, it should be me!”

She slowly straightened and went back into the other room. I heard the familiar squeak of the key in her liquor cabinet, then a clink of glass against glass. She returned with a full tumbler of booze. “If you don’t like it so much here, you’re welcome to leave.”

I was tempted to walk out the door; I could see myself going to Cindy’s and her mother taking me in. Or helping me to find new parents like Charlie had, but then I wondered if that would be the way things would happen. What if Cindy’s mother didn’t want me either, and she didn’t want to help? Would the police come and take me away? To where?

My mother was staring at me. “Make yourself useful, or go away.” She sat at the table again.

I bolted from the room and scampered down to the imagined safety of my room. Then I placed my chair against the door and fell onto my bed.

“I am constantly amazed by you,” Toby said. He sat next to me and started to rub my back. “If anyone had an excuse to be mean and unkind to everyone around them, it would be you, yet you are the most loving, caring, considerate girl I’ve ever met.” He gently touched my face. It still stung from the force of my mother’s hand.

“I’ve told you some fairly gruesome things about myself, yet you still accept me and are kind towards me. And I’ve seen your compassion for Tony…”

The mention of his name made me shiver. “Why did you let him in tonight?” I moaned. “Didn’t you know I wasn’t able to stop myself?” I punched my pillow.

“I’m sorry, Mariah,” Toby said, taking his hand off my cheek. “I am so sorry. I got confused. The longer I’m here, the harder I find it to be sure about what I’m doing. I wanted to find a way to make things right with Anna, and I knew Tony could help. And I guess I just wanted to talk to him…” Toby looked at me and shook his head. “I miss him.”

“Do you really?” I asked, sitting up.

“Part of me does.”

Suddenly, and for the first time Toby had come into my life, I felt like I couldn’t trust him. “But why did you open the door?” I asked more forcefully.

“I…” Toby stammered.

“You are the one who told me how sly your old friend is! You are the one who insisted that I never let him into my house. You said he would only use me! Did you think he had changed?”

Toby shook his head and rubbed his neck.

I felt like he was avoiding answering my question, so I sat up straighter and raised my voice. “Did you set me up?” Toby still didn’t answer. “You knew I wouldn’t be able to resist! You knew Tony would take advantage! Was I your final gift to Tony?” I shook with rage. I was used! Toby had tricked me!

“No!” Toby’s voice cracked. He looked ghost-white. “No, please don’t think that about me! That was the live me—I’m not that guy any more!”

“Well then, what is it?”

“I don’t know! I don’t know.” Toby had both his hands up and was rubbing his neck so hard, his skin turned bright pink. “Please believe me, I didn’t want Tony to touch you like that. I felt so sick that I fell to the ground in pain! And I did know that that’s exactly what he would do… But there was something else. Something bigger. Something more important that had to happen, and I had to let Tony in because of that.”

“Telling Anna you’re sorry was more important that my safety tonight?” I accused.

“No, Mariah. Not Anna. I thought at the time she was important to me, and telling her I’m sorry is important, but not more than you. That wasn’t it; there was something else going on. I think… I think I had to let Tony in so he could save you from Jake.”

I was baffled. “How did you know Jake was going to come home tonight?”

“I didn’t know at the time, but I felt something important was happening.” He took my hands in his. “Do you remember how I used to get a sense about things? Well, I haven’t noticed it so much lately, but tonight I just felt like Tony needed to be in the house… I didn’t understand it, but I couldn’t stop myself. You can’t know how hard it was for me. I had opened the door, and I wanted to slam it shut in his face. Then he gave you those flowers, and you were hooked, I could tell. He touched you, and I felt like I had pins for blood. I hurt everywhere. Then you went to the living room, and I fell on the floor. I’ve never experienced pain like that before, not even when my car crashed and exploded the night I died.” The car on the news the night Toby came to me flashed into my mind. The flames were several feet high. He remembered it now?

“Then suddenly everything changed. I could feel Jake approaching, and I knew he’d be violent. But I also knew that I had the key to save both you and Tony.”

I sat back looking at him. He still had a grey tinge to his face. Could I believe him? I spent an eternity in that moment…then I leaned forward and hugged him. “I’m glad you came,” I said into his chest, “though when you said you’d save me, I had no idea that meant my life would get harder.”

We both laughed at this. After that I got ready for bed, aware that my mother was still up prowling the house, refilling her drink and lamenting over her baby boy that would now be in jail. As the evening wore on, I had a crushing realization: my mother would never get it. She would never be able to love me like I needed. She would never truly see me for who I was. But as I vowed that I wasn’t going to let that make me feel bad about myself any more, something wonderful happened. All the bruises from Toby’s face seemed to disappear in that instant.