DAY
15
The next day I got up early. Toby was already awake, sitting on the bed looking at me. “What?” I asked as I stretched.
“Have I ever told you how nice it is for me to be with you?” he smiled.
I shrugged.
“You see, I never had a girlfriend in life,” he continued. “I never thought of girls that way. I’m just glad I get to experience it now.”
I made a face and got up. Our mornings had become quite routine: brush teeth, get dressed with Toby’s back turned or his eyes closed, fix hair, apply make-up, go upstairs and clean the mess from the day before, walk to school. Of course, the mess from the previous day was the cupboard I’d pulled out of the wall and the several glasses my mother had used. I returned the contents to the cupboard then found the gun, taped it back to the counter and put the drawer in its place. This almost erased the event from having happened. Then I picked up the blankets, refolded them and put them back in the living room. The only evidence left was the hole in the door and the smaller one in the archway.
I went over to it and put my finger to it. “This would be the shot that went through Jake’s leg,” I said.
Toby nodded.
“I’m glad you saved us,” I said, not taking my eyes off the hole. It felt very special. “And I’m glad you didn’t hurt Jake too badly.”
Toby smiled. “He is your brother, and as much trouble as he was, you care deeply for him. And in his own way, he loves you.” I nodded dully.
Just then there was a knock at the door, which caused it to creak open.
“Anyone home?” Cindy asked timidly.
“Come on in,” I said as I stood up.
She rounded the corner with a look of concern and intrigue on her face. “What happened here?” Her hair was pulled back into a ponytail, and she had on a shirt with pictures of bugs all over it.
I didn’t want to talk about it while I was still in the house, but once we were on our way to school, I told her most of it. I left out the part about me and Tony making out. Was I betraying her by omitting it? Toby didn’t say anything about that. It took us almost the whole way to the school for me to tell her the whole account.
Cindy looked horrified, but finally she managed to say, “No wonder you like it at my house so much! And you know you’re welcome to come visit or stay whenever you need. I know my mom won’t mind.”
We went into the school and started our day. Cindy and Rayla walked me to homeroom. Fifteen minutes later, Elijah took me to first period. As the bell rang, he was out of his seat so fast, I hardly had time to stand.
“May I escort you, milady?” he asked with a bow.
Toby laughed. Knowing I’d be safer this way, I swallowed the uncomfortable knot in the pit of my stomach and agreed.
As we entered the crowded halls, Elijah put his hand on my back in a protective way. I felt myself stiffen. Toby tried to help me relax, but I just couldn’t. Luckily Elijah didn’t seem to notice.
“So what did you get up to yesterday?” he asked as we weaved our way though the packed corridors.
“Shoot,” I replied, “not much.” Toby laughed so hard, he nearly tripped. Elijah nodded, not knowing the hidden meaning, and then we’d made it to my first class.
After that class was over, Dan met me at the door. All this kindness was starting to wear on me, but Toby told me to calm down. After that class, Charlie met up with me. She tried to make it fun. “Let’s just pretend you’re a celebrity.” Then she asked me questions about my upcoming movie. It worked; I relaxed a bit and even giggled as she walked me to third period. When the lunch bell rang, the whole gang showed up miming that they had cameras, and Rayla impersonated a reporter trying to take an interview all the way to the office. It was so fun, I had a hard time saying goodbye.
As I turned toward the office, happiness seeped out of me like water through a sieve.
I was given several things to photocopy. Toby stood against the wall, deep in thought. “There was this one kid.” He rubbed his neck. “I used to tease him relentlessly.”
I used the photocopy machine as an excuse to avoid giving Toby my full attention.
“He ended up committing suicide.” Glancing at him, I saw tears trickling down his cheeks. I busily unstuck a jam. “But I wonder, I just wonder if he had good friends…” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him wipe away his tears. “He didn’t have friends, that’s what made him an easy target, and I made damn sure no one would befriend him.”
I stayed quiet. What could I say? I was soon finished. It only took fifteen minutes; I was getting exceedingly good at this job. Standing in the hall, just outside the office, Dan’s deep voice echoed in my head. “Ms. Lafont, you wait right here until we can get your bodyguards to escort you.” I had agreed, but they were nowhere in sight, and after a few minutes, Miss Rose came out and ordered me away. So, taking a deep breath, I headed in that direction. I could get to the lunchroom alone.
I turned down one hall, then another, wondering what way my friends would be coming to get me. As I got to the bottom of a flight of stairs, I looked up the hall to see Sara headed towards me. With my pulse quickening, I doubled back to go up the stairs, but I heard someone, and looking up I saw Marika. I was trapped. The only retreat I had was the girls’ washroom. I ducked in, even though I had a feeling it was right where they wanted me to go.
Effie stood leaning against the stalls, staring down at a well-creased piece of paper in her hands. She looked up lazily when I entered. I could hear the blood rushing in my ears, and I worried I’d have another panic attack and fall to the ground helpless.
Toby took my hand in his. “Just breathe,” he said, trying to calm me. “It’s going to be alright.” Did he know that? Or was he just saying it?
I felt anything but alright. Visions of Toby picking on some poor kid danced in front of me. Yet he squeezed my hand tighter, and I did relax, if only a little, and I immediately started to feel my breath come more easily.
Effie held a note out to me; I hesitated then reached for it. Drawing it closer, I realized the writing was mine. It was the note I’d used to communicate with Toby those first few days he’d been with me. I looked from the paper to Effie and, for the first time, I didn’t feel as intimidated by her.
She wore a fearful expression. Her eyes were wide, and she looked pale. “Explain yourself!” she demanded. Her voice gave away her true feelings, and I stood up straighter, drawing my shoulders back.
For whatever reason, I had the upper hand, and I liked it. “Explain what?” I asked, and I was proud that my voice was loud and strong.
“Who were you writing this note to?” she demanded, but somehow her voice didn’t carry as much threat as it usually did.
I looked down at the note again. I hadn’t written it in any particular order, but trying to see it from Effie’s eyes, I silently read: “What did I miss with Effie and her friends? Why would she do that? Are you sure about that? What do you mean by ‘wow’ him? Do you remember anything else? How do you know this, and are you sure it’s true? I really need to hear it again, because it would make me feel better. You know how much Effie hurt me, don’t you? I trust your judgment completely, so you tell me what’s first. Absolutely, and won’t Effie be shocked…” Turning the paper over, I read, “By the way, did I thank you for saving me from my locker,” and “What sort of things did I do that made him laugh? Do you see or get those feelings from me too?” At the top corner in printing that was my smallest and was too smudged to read properly was my first note: “Not going to talk to you, don’t want to look insane, but smile, this isn’t your life.”
I could not imagine what Effie was thinking as I turned the note over and over again in my hands, but it could be mistaken to incriminate her…
“Who did you write that letter to?” she asked again.
I was at a loss for an answer.
Toby, who stood next to me, had been reading the note himself. Narrowing his eyes, he looked over at Effie. “She’s terrified that you know something about her, something she doesn’t want anyone to know. She hasn’t even shared this with her friends. Tell her you were writing to Tony.”
I didn’t feel all that comfortable telling a lie; after all, she could easily find out that I had made it up, but I could see no better way out, so I answered flatly, “Tony Dyphan.”
Effie’s eyes widened, and she seemed to fall back against the stall. “Tony Dyphan?”
I nodded.
“Did he tell you…?”
“Don’t worry,” I said quickly, cutting Effie off. For some strange reason, I didn’t want to know what she was so terrified about me knowing. Just that she thought I knew it was enough for me. Effie swallowed hard a few times, and I handed her back the note.
“I’m going to go now,” I said feeling very powerful. Effie nodded.
Toby wore a huge grin of satisfaction. I walked out of the washroom, passing Sara and Marika, who seemed to be standing guard. They rushed in as I left. One let out a small cry of shock, but neither one tried to call me back. I felt no reason to rush. I wanted to savour this victory, so I took my time walking the rest of the way to the cafeteria.
“You know, that was a really nice thing you did back there,” Toby said, keeping pace with me. “You could have used what she was about to tell you to ruin her life.” I tried to shrug casually. “This is what I was telling you about the other day. You are kinder than people deserve.” I smiled, feeling good about myself. “Even though she’s made your life miserable, you’ve taken the higher road. That shows the quality of your character, and no one can take that from you.”
I felt stronger for the rest of the day. I was able to go from class to class with my head held high. When I met up with my friends in the cafeteria, they were blown away by my confidence. I never told them about the strange encounter with Effie. They didn’t need to know. Instead I enjoyed the food Cindy had bought for me with the money I had given her in the morning and simply said that today had been a very good day.
I shared my last class of the day with Effie and Sara. I saw them talking from time to time. Toby seemed amused by their chatter, but he kept what they were saying to himself, explaining that it was nothing really. I believed him. I knew that nothing they were talking about could hurt me any more. That knowledge made it easier to concentrate on the lesson and think more clearly about my work. We had a pop quiz, and for the first time, I got one hundred percent!
Dan and Elijah met up with me outside my class, and we walked to our lockers, and then hooked up with the rest of the gang. As we headed out of the school, I did a double take at the corner. Tony stood there. Seeing me, he smiled and walked over.
“I was so worried I’d missed you.” He pulled me towards him for a friendly hug.
I felt conflicted. I was happy to see him again, and surprised. I looked to Toby and wondered if he thought this was alright, and then I caught sight of my friends, and the looks on some of their faces made me worry.
“Guys, this is Tony,” I explained, “a friend of mine.” I introduced him to each of the gang. He politely said hello to each. Elijah seemed less than happy to be meeting him. And I kept checking with Toby, but he didn’t have anything to say.
“Listen, I was wondering if you wanted a walk home?” Tony said when all the introductions where done.
I agreed, and saying farewell to Rayla, Charlie, Cindy, Teb, Elijah and Dan, I started to walk to the end of the block with Tony. I could feel their eyes following us until we turned down a side street. Tony walked at a medium pace, but he didn’t say anything for quite a while.
I kept trying to figure out what Toby was thinking; he seemed distracted by his old pal. Finally, more out of not knowing what else to say, I asked, “Did it take long for your parents to pick you up from the police station last night?”
Tony let out a dry chuckle and rubbed his neck. “Not long.” I could hear the sarcasm in his tone. “Just until lunch time today.”
“So you had to stay overnight there?” I asked, horrified.
Tony slowed his stride. “Don’t worry, beautiful, it’s not the first time I’ve had to spend the night there.”
Toby nodded with a sad expression on his face.
“I don’t see how that makes it any better,” I replied.
Tony stopped and smiled at me. “She is a real sweet thing,” he said, his eyes darting everywhere in hopes of catching sight of his old pal.
Toby chuckled and agreed, “You are sweet.”
I smiled.
“Did he just say something to you?” Tony asked, and I told him that Toby had agreed with him.
Tony started down the street again. “It gave me some time to think,” he confessed. “I spent a lot of it recounting all the crazy, stupid, mean things Toby and I did.”
“Oh, ya?” I asked. “Did you come to any conclusions?”
“Just a few.” Tony reached out and took my hand, and a small tingle raced through my arm. Toby didn’t look happy about it, but he still didn’t say a word. “If Toby’s advice is for me to change my life, then I better find a new way to live.”
“Do you believe him?” I asked, turning to Toby.
Toby narrowed his eyes, like he was trying to see something far off. “I think he believes what he’s saying.”
“What’d he say?” Tony asked, squeezing my hand. Was he nervous?
“He believes you,” I answered. “And he should know; he has the ability to see into people and know if what they say is true.”
“Great superpower.”
Then, with me in the middle of the conversation, relaying most of what Toby said, the boys recalled the better times of their friendship. It had started when they were younger, more innocent—at least Tony was. Toby had been a manipulator, even back then, he admitted. But in the beginning, they had hung out and generally had good clean fun. Then they’d started to get bored, and that’s when they began to play pranks for amusement. As the years went by, the pranks got bigger and meaner, and eventually more deadly.
As we neared my house, the mood became somber. Toby stopped with my row of houses in sight. I had to stop too. Tony, who was still holding my hand, also stopped.
“What’s the matter?” he asked, looking at me.
I shrugged. “It’s Toby.”
Toby looked from Tony to me, and at our hands clasped together. “Before I will let him into your house again, Tony has to promise that he won’t try anything physical.”
“What?” Tony asked again.
“Toby says you have to keep your hands to yourself if you are going to come in.”
Tony let my hand drop. “I promise,” he said.
I felt disappointed. It had felt nice to just hold his hand, and I think Tony felt the same way too, but he crossed his arms in front of his chest and looked about as if to show Toby he meant what he said.
“Alright,” Toby said and started towards my house.
As we came to the front door, Tony stopped and whistled. “That’s from the police; I had—well Toby had shot Jake, and they blew the latch off to get in. I can’t believe they left it broken.”
I shrugged. Tony seemed distracted still, but eventually he tore himself away and came to sit at the dinner table. I was in the middle chair with a boy on either side of me. I felt nervous, which caused me to make silly mistakes; when I was filling a glass of water, I dropped it for no reason. Then I tripped over my own feet as I was trying to walk over to my chair. Tony caught me but let go quickly once I was standing again.
Tony held his hands up like it was a robbery. “Keeping my hands to myself.”
Toby chuckled loudly, and I let Tony know that.
Tony seemed a little nervous too. He fidgeted with one of the petals on the flowers that still sat in the centre of the table. “You know, even before I believed that Toby had come to you, I thought there was something different about you,” he said without looking at me. “You know, at the bowling alley, even that first night I met you. You’re the first girl I’d flirted with since Toby’s death, and it felt different, but I thought that was because Toby wasn’t there, and I didn’t have as much competition.”
“But he still treated you like he would have any other girl until he believed I was here,” Toby accused.
I relayed that message.
Tony nodded. “Ya.” He brought his hand to the back of his neck. “And if I wasn’t sure that Toby is here right now, I might have started something again.” He crossed his arms as if he were holding himself back. “Mariah.” Tony’s dark eyes filled with remorse, the way I’d seen Toby’s look so often. “I know you could never forgive me for what I was trying to do. And I don’t want you to. But I have to apologize honestly.” He stopped to take a breath while staring at the empty seat. In his mind, could he see his dead friend encouraging him? “On Friday, I wore my school ring. I only wear it when I plan to score, big time.” He looked away, and I stared at the flowers he’d brought me. “It was this challenge that Toby and I had…” Toby covered his eyes with one hand. “A race to see how many girls we could…”
“I don’t want to hear it.” I whispered, bringing my hand to my mouth. I was to be one of those girls.
Tony fell silent.
“If the girl slept with us, and somewhere in the deal we convinced them to kiss our school ring, then we considered ourselves their masters. We were racing to see who was master over the most girls.” Toby said flatly.
“I told you I didn’t want to hear it!” I snapped at Toby.
“I’m so sorry,” Tony said softly. “I understand if you never forgive me.”
Tears were falling down my face. “It’s not you, or Toby that I’m mad at, it’s me!”
“What!” Tony sputtered. “No!” Toby yelled.
“Yes,” I answered. “I knew you were bad, bad news and trouble, and even if I didn’t know that, I had Toby telling me every few seconds. But even though I knew it, I still, so desperately, wanted to be with you.” What did that make me?
We sat quietly for a while. No one knew what to say. It was Toby who broke the silence. “I need to get a hold of that girl, the one you introduced me to. The one I raped.” I relayed his words in a whisper.
Tony swallowed hard. “I didn’t know Toby would do that… I didn’t even find out until later, and I was shocked, really I was. I mean, Stace is an unbalanced girl, and I thought Toby could have some fun with her… But not like that. I figured she would give in easy, she was so needy…” just like me, “…and she liked Toby.”
“I’m sorry,” I interrupted, “Stace? Toby said her name was Anna.”
“Na, her name is Stacy; Stacy Ann Miller, formerly Perts.”
My breath caught. Stacy Perts, my former best friend.
Toby closed his eyes and nodded. I could imagine him comparing my memories of Stacy to his. “What are the odds?” he asked. What was she doing out here?
Tony answered before I even asked. “She moved into our neighbourhood about eight months ago. Her father met mine, and we were introduced. She’s home schooled and didn’t have any friends, so her mother thought it would be nice if I helped her to meet some people. I found her kind of annoying. She kept coming over like we were best buds. She’s awkward, like she’s not good at figuring out when to keep her mouth shut. Her mother had remarried, and she went on and on about her old dad, how much she missed him. I told her once that she should run away back to him. Well, I got really fed up. Then she met Toby once and was obviously into him. So Toby says I should hook them up—he could have some fun with her. I felt bad when I heard what kind of fun Toby had had, but I didn’t really lose any sleep over it.” Tony rubbed the back of his neck, but I stopped paying attention, as a flood of memories came back, with my old friend the star. Good was overridden by bad, as I actually felt sympathy or caring seep from me. Toby turned green.
Tony continued, oblivious to what I was feeling. But Toby was all too aware; he coughed and wheezed under the pressure of my thoughts.
Stacy, my old friend Stacy, the girl who had sold me out to everyone else! I thought back on the pain she would have felt as Toby forced himself upon her, and suddenly I wasn’t sad for her, I was glad. She got what she deserved!
“You know, I haven’t seen her since then; I guess my plan worked.” Tony gave a sad chuckle. “I had wanted her to stop coming around, and she did.” I recognized the remorse, discovered perhaps for the first time. “We could go see her together, tomorrow. I probably should apologize too. I mean, it was me who set her up.” I could hear the regret building in Tony’s voice, but I didn’t care! She deserved it.
Toby fell to the floor.
“What’s wrong?” Tony asked, noticing that I was distracted.
“Nothing,” I said, watching Toby turn several shades of purple like he couldn’t breathe.
“Please, Mariah, this isn’t like you!” Toby pleaded, but I wasn’t in the mood to listen. “You have a good heart; don’t fall into the trap of bitterness and hate.”
I felt Tony put his hand on mine, and I turned back to him. “Don’t tell me nothing—I can see in your face that something is wrong.”
I shrugged, trying to pretend that he was wrong. Having Tony’s hand on mine brought back a strong desire to kiss, and without thinking, I leaned towards him. Tony responded to my advance and kissed me back, but only for a few seconds, then he jumped out of his chair and raised his hands again.
“No,” he said curtly. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, beautiful, I like you… I really like you, and yesterday I would have taken you right here without a second thought. But like I said, I’ve been thinking, and Toby is right, I need to change.”
Toby writhed on the floor, not conscious of anything that was taking place now, but I didn’t mention that. “I’m sorry,” I said, realizing that I felt awful about Stacy and had used Tony as a distraction from my feelings.
“You know, I think it’s time for me to leave,” Tony said. Before I could say anything else, he did. The door creaked back open, and I heard him make his way down the steps.
I looked down at Toby. “Mariah?” he begged.
“No!” I said, remembering how mean Stacy had been to me. “She deserves every sadness in her life now!”
It was hard, but I managed to drag Toby around the house. First he stayed on the floor of the kitchen while I made my dinner. Then on the floor in the living room, as I tried to act like nothing was bothering me and watched TV. And finally he lay on my floor when I prepared to go to sleep.
His speech had become slurred, but he tried one last time. “Stacy doesn’t deserve this,” he managed to convey. “How come you can be so nice to Effie, but you can’t bring yourself to show the same kindness to your old friend?”
I sat awake late into the evening pondering this. Stacy had been the one who started it. She betrayed me. Effie was never my friend in the first place. And as the night wore on, I started to realize that I blamed Stacy for never having another friend since her. If she hadn’t turned her back on me, I might have been able to trust new friends that tried to reach out to me. She was the one I blamed for every misery in my life, and I wasn’t going to let her off that easy!