DAY
16
By the time morning had come, I was set in my convictions. I would never go to see Stacy, and that was that. I didn’t feel sorry for her one bit, and nothing was going to change my mind.
Reaching over to my alarm, I clicked it off and hopped out of bed. I had made it one step into the hall when an invisible wall stopped me. Turning back, I saw Toby lying on the ground, shaking and convulsing.
“I’m not going to see her!” I exclaimed at his non-responsive body. “If I have to, I’ll stay in my room, but I won’t go to see her.” He didn’t respond. He shivered and held himself in a tight ball, his eyes slammed shut.
Unfortunately, that is exactly what I ended up having to do. Toby had become so heavy, I was barely able to move him so I could use the washroom. I was stuck, not able to move more than five feet away from him. He might as well have been a fallen statue as he lay cold, hard and heavy on the floor. I did have a shower, but I couldn’t get clean clothes out of my room, so I ended up putting my PJ’s back on and sitting in the hallway. Looking past my open door, I was able to watch the numbers on my clock mark off the time as it slowly trickled by.
Over the course of the day, I heard the phone ring several times, but I couldn’t answer even if I’d wanted to. With each passing minute, I became angrier and angrier with Stacy. This was all her fault! If she hadn’t been so mean to me, I wouldn’t be stuck here.
At ten in the morning, I yelled at Toby until my voice was hoarse. “I’m not going. You’ve picked the wrong girl! She was the worst to me; she deserves to be miserable!” But he didn’t budge, and when I touched him, he was cold as ice.
At half past twelve, my stomach was growling. I wanted something to eat. “It’s not fair.” I moaned. “Why me? Why her? I could have gone to any one else. Why couldn’t it be a complete stranger? She hurt me so much. She was my friend! Why are you asking this of me? You know how hurt I am!”
Again it was no use. I sat feeling my anger and resolve ebb, but I couldn’t relent. I crossed my arms and rested my head on the wall behind me.
Finally, just after four, I broke down sobbing. “I can’t go! I can’t bear to see her face again. Any time anything bad happens, I see her. She was supposed to be my best friend…”
That’s how Tony found me. I hadn’t heard him knock. I was too far away. But when he heard my sobs through the broken door, he came rushing in and down the stairs. I looked up as he rounded the corner, and on seeing me, he fell to his knees and hugged me. “What’s wrong?” he asked.
I started to explain everything. “Before I moved here, Stacy and I were about as close as you and Toby.”
Tony got up to get me some Kleenex, then came back to sit beside me and held my hand as I continued.
“We did everything together, we told each other everything. Then, when my father left I was so sad, and I couldn’t explain it to her. She didn’t understand, and we drifted apart, I guess. Then one day she was trying to show off to the tough kids, and she made up a mean chant about me. Well, everyone loved it, and we’ve never been friends since.” Tears spilled out from my eyes and flowed down my face. “She got worse after that—she started rumors about me, telling everyone all my secrets, and…”
Tony didn’t say anything, but Toby slowly sat up and rubbed his face. His hair was a mess, and he continued to have small tremors, but he was conscious.
“It’s not fair.” I sniffled and wiped my nose for the umpteenth time. “She’s the one who hurt me—why do I have to help her?”
“Life isn’t fair,” Tony agreed.
I sat up straighter, pulling my hand away from his. Both boys looked at me, but I crossed my arms in front of my chest. Life was not fair.
“If life was fair, it would be me in juvenile hall, not Eric.”
“Who’s Eric?” I asked.
Toby responded. “The night I died, we convinced him to let us use his house for the party.” I got the impression that when Toby said convinced, he meant forced. “Ask Tony why he’s in juvie.” I did.
“The drugs. He was too afraid to tell anyone that it was us who brought them into his house, so he took the rap. Man,” Tony said, “He’s on death watch: he’s tried to take his life twice.”
Toby looked sickened. I felt a pang in my chest.
“I need to go see Eric, talk to him.” Then looking from where Toby should be to me, Tony asked me meekly, “Can you come with me? I’m afraid to go alone.” Tony was afraid? “Mariah, just being around you makes me braver.” How?
“Please,” Toby’s voice chimed in, “I need to see him too.”
Both boys’ deep brown eyes were upon me, begging. They needed me… I was important to them! I nodded slowly. “I guess I can. His name is Eric? I don’t think I know anyone by that name.”
Toby insisted that I needed to eat, and Tony suggested that we go out for food. I liked that idea; I had been stuck in my house all day. So I went to my room and got dressed.
On the way, Tony asked, “So you’re still planning to go visit Stacy, right?”
I sighed. “Ya,” I said, still dreading the idea. “It’s what I have to do.”
“Alright then.” Tony kept his eyes on the road. “I bumped into her mother, and she says that Stacy is busy tonight, so how about Thursday? I have bowling league tomorrow.”
How about never, I thought, but I agreed.
Tony took me out to a quaint little Italian restaurant.
It was a small place, serving no more than fifty people at one time. The tables were small, and there were candles in the middle.
I let Tony order our meals. While we waited, I nibbled on a soft sourdough roll. I never knew food could taste so good.
“So how does it work when you need privacy?” Tony asked.
“Privacy?”
“Ya,” he said, “like when you are getting dressed or other things.”
“Oh.” I blushed. “Well he usually just turns around, or he’ll close his eyes.”
“But honestly,” Tony asked Toby, “you do peek, right?”
“Well, if his eyes are closed, he goes invisible, so he can’t pretend, or I’d know,” I explained.
“Where’s the fun in that?” Tony kidded, leaning back in his chair. “I mean if you are going to have to live out eternity stuck to a beautiful girl, you should at least get to enjoy yourself.”
“There is no fun in death,” Toby said.
“He’s not stuck to me for eternity. Just long enough to fix up some things.” I didn’t feel like saying anything about how I had needed Toby more than he needed me. That time seemed so long ago, even though it had been last week.
“Not forever?” Tony looked crestfallen.
I shook my head. What had he thought? He could keep his best friend through me?
“Then what happens to him after?”
“I don’t know,” Toby said.
“He goes away.” I had to stifle a sniffle. It still hurt to think of him not being with me, but the idea wasn’t as scary any more.
Our food came, and it was delicious. Tony had ordered for me—pasta with chicken and pineapple in a light cream sauce. I would never have suspected something so strange could taste so wonderful before now. He also got a spinach salad with mushrooms. I loved all of it.
Tony explained that he used to be a busboy at this place, and he had fallen in love with the food, but he had never taken anyone here before, not even Toby. “It just didn’t feel cool enough,” he said, rubbing his neck.
“Would you tell him I’m sorry again?” Toby asked.
Tony looked away as if he were about to cry, but when he looked back, his eyes were clear. “It’s alright, man.” He shrugged. “Part of it was me. I was never confident enough to stand up to you. I thought you were the best, and that blinded me to everything I sacrificed to be your friend. You know, two days ago I would never have believed what a horrible friend Toby really was, but now I’m beginning to understand, a little.”
Tony told me about his life; his mother had left two years before. She’d wanted him to come with her, but Tony felt like someone needed to stay and take care of his dad. When she’d left, he and his father had moved, and Tony didn’t like his new home. I could tell that he resented his mother for leaving. His dad could be a great guy. He was self-employed and made good money, but he also had a drug habit and sometimes would go on long binges, so Tony never quite knew what to expect. But he loved his father, who would make it up by buying him almost anything he asked for.
Tony shook his head, “Oh man, this is the most honest I’ve been with anyone in my life. I’ve never even told Larry or Toby half of this stuff…” He ran his hand through his hair. “Of course, you’ve got the human lie detector with you, so I’d be dog meat if I wasn’t telling the truth. I don’t know why I told you all this. Hopefully you won’t hold it against me.”
“Have you noticed that when you are honest, it makes you feel closer to that person?” I asked, based on my own experience. “You see, Toby was the first person I was honest with, though let’s face it, I had no choice. Now I feel completely connected with him, but of course, I am. And now that you’ve been truly honest with me, I sorta feel that way with you.” This should be the time where Tony kisses me… I knew it should, but he wouldn’t. He was staring hard at the spot where Toby was supposed to be.
Turning to me, he cocked his head to the side and looked deep into my eyes. “Well,” he answered, his voice sounding strained at first, “alright, and boy, do I feel better, somehow.” He smiled, and I felt a passion burning in me for him.
I shared more of my history with him; I told him about my dad leaving, and how I felt rejected, my brother and how my mother thought he could do no wrong. Tony scoffed at that. I even shared how I seemed to suddenly put on an enormous amount of weight, and my troubles with Effie and the kids at school. Tony listened and really seemed to care. I got the impression this was a first for him.
I was sad when it was time to go home. I didn’t want the night to end, even though we had made a plan to get together again on Thursday. He dropped me off at the parking lot, and though he leaned over to kiss me, he stopped, glanced at the rear seat where Toby sat, and said in a choked voice, “Goodnight, beautiful.”
In my heart, Thursday couldn’t come fast enough. Walking home, Toby stayed quiet. I got to the front door and stopped. It had been replaced, and I didn’t have a key. I knocked, filled with apprehension. Had my mother locked me out? Where would I go…? Then I thought of Cindy’s. My heart fell as my mother yanked the door open and pointed to the kitchen. I went in and took a seat. She stood in a business suit, her hair pulled back into a tight bun.
“You skipped school today!” she bellowed.
“I wasn’t feeling good this morning,” I answered.
“Well, you seem to be doing much better now!” She started into a long rant about my behavior and her disappointment in me. I sat politely and listened. Toby kept arguing my mother’s putdowns, saying, “We know that’s not true” or “Do you hear what she’s saying? It’s ridiculous”. It was amusing, and I didn’t feel as bad as I usually did sitting there. It was like I was watching a movie about someone else’s mother—even when she called me a witch and a slut. Once she was done, I went to my room. I didn’t feel that upset, and I certainly didn’t feel bad about myself.
“I’m sorry you got into trouble,” Toby said, sitting at the foot of my bed.
“Well,” I said, crawling under the sheets, “I did skip school. And I didn’t have a good excuse.”
“I’m still sorry.” Toby grabbed my foot.
“But it was my own stubbornness that caused this grief. You told me before not to get hung up on revenge, but I didn’t listen to you, again. I deserve the consequences of my actions.”
“You know, it may just be that you don’t need me any more.” I felt his hand tighten around my foot as he said this.
“It’s possible that I might be getting to that place,” I answered and shifted around in my bed so I could snuggle next to him. “But I’m glad you are here.”
“So am I.”