DAY
19
Slowly the dream dissolved around me, and I found myself looking up at an unfamiliar ceiling with bright streams of light pouring in through a large window. It took me a while to remember that I was at Cindy’s. She yawned and stretched. Toby opened his eyes and materialized on my right.
“Good morning,” Cindy chirped. I sat up. My back was sore and stiff, but I tried hard not to let it show.
The morning went by quickly. Cindy’s mom, who didn’t believe in cereal, had made everyone oatmeal. She served me a large bowl, and though I had the impression she was watching me carefully, she didn’t press me for any information. Cindy spent the entire walk to school putting down her home. I had quite enjoyed it myself, but I got the feeling Cindy didn’t dislike it so much, and she was just trying to help me not feel so bad about mine. Toby stayed quiet most of the morning. He looked a bit agitated, but he didn’t say anything about it.
I was only escorted to about half my classes, but I didn’t feel like I needed it any more. It was becoming more of a company thing than for safety. I showed up for my detention, and the secretary informed me sadly that it would be continuing into the next week. However, I was getting proficient at the job, and even though I was given a huge job, I had it done within twenty minutes. I met up with the gang in the lunchroom. Cindy had ordered me my meal once again. I threw myself down onto the bench and ate it heartily. The gang was buzzed about the weekend and talked excitedly about their plans.
“Of course, we know what Elijah and Mariah are doing!” Rayla said.
Elijah blushed and looked away. I just smiled slyly.
I was at my locker after the last bell had sounded when Elijah approached me. “About tonight,” he said shyly. The guys hovered around Elijah, making plans and congratulating him. The girls cornered me, insisting that I remember every detail and give them an accurate play-by-play when we spoke again.
“Yup,” I said, turning to look at him. Classmates were rushing all around us.
“Do you want me to pick you up, or meet me at the theatre?” Elijah looked nervous as he fiddled with his books.
“Do you have a car?” I closed my locker.
“No.” Elijah looked embarrassed.
I thought for a moment. I tried to imagine what would happen if my mother saw me with another boy. “I think it’s best if we meet there,” I said.
Elijah nodded, then we worked out the details, and I headed home to get ready. Halfway home, Toby spoke up. His voice seemed rusty as he said, “Elijah is a really nice guy.”
“I get that,” I answered. I was mildly aware that we were walking down the same street I’d had my first collapse in. I thought back to that day. I was very different; so sad and lonely. I closed my eyes and marveled at how much I had changed.
Toby stopped, causing me to crash into that invisible wall that held us together. I looked back to see him staring at the very tree I had rested against. “You are worth it,” he said, not taking his eyes from the spot.
“I am worth what?”
“You’re worth it. My time here—you are worth my whole life.”
I felt strangely honoured. I went to him and placed my hand on his shoulder. Then with a sinking feeling, I asked, “You’re not leaving me yet, are you?”
Toby looked up and smiled at me. “Soon.” My breath caught. “But not right now. I just wanted to let you know that you are worth it. If all I accomplished was helping you, then that would be worth it.”
“But,” I argued, “you’ve already helped Tony too. And I’m still planning on seeing Stacy, and Eric.”
Toby smiled. His eyes sparkled, but they still seemed sad. “Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with it all,” he said, bringing his hand up to my cheek. “There’s just so much! I can remember it all now, all of it, and there is no way I could ever make it all right, not even if I had the rest of your lifetime, or even if I was given back my own.”
“If my life was fixable, then surely there is hope for yours,” I said, trying to cheer him up.
He continued to hold my cheek. “I think that it is far easier to fix things while you are still alive. My deeds are done, and apart from these stolen moments I have, there just isn’t enough time to make amends for a lifetime of mistakes.”
“Alright then, I’ll cancel this date to help you out!” I said with conviction.
“I love you for that,” Toby said, letting his hand drop and starting down the street, “but it isn’t right to have you put your life on hold for me; it doesn’t work that way.” He ran his hand through his hair. “You need to keep on living. Go on the date. I’ll wait for tomorrow.” I wanted to argue more, but he made it clear his mind was set.
We walked the rest of the way home listening to the sounds of the world around us; the breeze making the trees whisper, the birds having animated conversations, and the far off sounds of cars and people and dogs and the business of a Friday afternoon.
I entered the house cautiously, calling out several times to my mother. I was relieved when I didn’t find her, but I did find the money on the table in the envelope, just as it had been the day before, and a few used cups. As I cleaned, I wondered if things would ever feel right between her and me. Then I thought back and realized they never had, not even before my father went away. I had always been daddy’s girl, and Jake was mommy’s boy. No wonder I’d felt so devastated when my father left. He was my cheering squad. Without him, I didn’t fell very special any more. I realized that Toby had given that back to me! When Toby left, would I lose it again?
Trying to put these thoughts out of my head, I started to pick out what I should wear to my date: a real date, where the boy was actually interested in me. That raised my spirits, and I started to get excited despite myself.
I spent over an hour trying to put my outfit together. Finally I stood in front of my mirror with a pink top and green pants. “So, you’re telling me that these pants make me look good, and so does this top.”
Toby stood behind me. I caught his reflection as he nodded.
“But,” I added, raising one brow, “they don’t look so good together, eh? So which one goes?”
“You pick, beautiful.” I liked being called that.
I chose the pink top and a new pair of black pants that hugged my hips. I looked at myself from every angle in the full-length mirror. Though the pants were brand new, they felt looser than I remembered. Had I lost weight? I didn’t look so bad any more! I asked Toby what he thought, and he was so impressed, he went invisible.
“Are you serious?” I asked.
“Absolutely!” came Toby’s reply. “And I’ve decided that tonight is all yours. I’ll keep my eyes and mouth shut so you can enjoy it the way it should be.”
“But surely you can keep me company while I finish getting ready and on the way there.” I was already starting to miss him.
“Nope. You don’t need me. I’m only a distraction.” I had a feeling that he knew how much he reminded me of Tony, and he didn’t want that to be a problem for me.
I finished getting ready alone without a word from Toby, but when I concentrated, I could still feel him at the edge of my consciousness, and I found that calming. As the afternoon progressed, I became preoccupied with thoughts of Elijah and our date. I started to look forward to seeing him and fantasized about how it would be: would we hold hands? Would he kiss me? Would he be shy? Would I?
The whole bus ride felt like it took forever. As I disembarked, I checked my watch. I was still ten minutes early. I made my way to the movie theatre, bombarded with a hundred sights, sounds and smells. It was Friday, one of the busiest nights; the arcade games off to one side were being well used, and everywhere I looked there was a lineup. I made my way over to the tables through crowds of people, and getting closer, I caught sight of Elijah. I took a moment to admire him, just like I was preparing for a big game. His hair a mess of unique individual ringlets, his blue eyes that looked like the ocean on a sunny day, his deep red lips and his perfect cheeks. Even the beauty spot halfway along his jaw looked perfect. Maybe I did like him…
Elijah waved and rushed over to me. Reaching out, he took my hand then hesitated, looking like he wanted to hug me. Instead he continued to hold my hand and said, “I’m so glad to see you.”
I returned the sentiment, marveling at how nice I felt while he held on to me; his hand was warm and smooth. He seemed reluctant to let it go as he escorted me to the lineup for tickets, but he had to let go when it came time to pay for the show. Elijah wanted to see an action movie, so I let him pick, realizing that we’d do more watching than my last “date.” I guess he won’t be kissing me like Tony, I thought, but I didn’t know if that was a good thing.
We entered another lineup and did more hand holding while we waited to buy snacks. Elijah filled the space with conversation: he came from a family of five; he was the middle child, but the first boy with two older sisters, a younger brother and a baby sister. It made his life loud, he said happily. His father worked on oilrigs, so he was away for long periods of time, like months. But Elijah didn’t mind. He understood that his dad had to work. Even though he missed his dad, the good part was that when he was home, he wasn’t running off to the office or anything, so he’d really spend time with his kids.
Elijah surprised me when he told me that he was already thinking of what he wanted to do after he graduated: he wanted to be an architect. He wanted to be able to be some place and say, “I made that.” I started to wonder what I wanted to do after I graduated, and that same feeling of not being stuck in my mother’s house came to mind. The day was fast approaching when I’d be moving out and able be to live my own life, free of her. What would I do then? What could I do now to be ready for that day?
With our hands full of treats, we lined up for the theatre. Elijah turned to me and said, “Your turn—talk.”
I felt nervous as I painted him the picture of my life with a crazy single mother and a delinquent brother that was awaiting trial. Elijah seemed uncomfortable, and I wondered how he’d feel about me once I was done telling him my story. But he surprised me again.
“I always knew there was something special about you.” He leaned closer to me. “I saw a strength in you that I admired. It doesn’t come from a soft life; it’s sorta like my mother. She had a rough childhood too, but she’s the most a wonderful woman I know, and so kind. I see that in you too.” He placed a quick kiss on my cheek. I nearly dropped the popcorn.
When it was time to go in to the movie, Elijah seemed to get shy. Was he embarrassed by the kiss? I felt a little light-headed with it all. We followed the crowd into the theatre, and I felt like it was déjà vu as we took our seats, Elijah on my left and our drinks on the outside with the popcorn in the middle. But this time was different; we were sitting only three rows from the front. Elijah said he liked to be as close to the action as his eyes could handle. Clearly he meant to watch the movie and not be too distracted by me—again I couldn’t tell if I was disappointed. I liked the idea of being held and touched, but not forced.
We talked while snacking on popcorn until the lights dimmed. My mind wandered to Tony; it had been so different with him, and for a moment I missed him. Then Elijah put his arm behind my head, I rested against it, and all thoughts of Tony went away.
The show was better than I would have imagined. It had a good plot and characters I ended up liking, and of course lots of explosions. I was transported to another time and place, and for a moment I forgot all about my life and troubles. Elijah seemed very impressed too. He whooped and hollered at the appropriate times. Halfway through, once the popcorn was finished, I leaned into his shoulder, and he held me more tightly. I found myself wanting him to kiss me, but he never did.
Afterward, Elijah continued to hold my hand as we walked to a local café. It was half a block down from the theatre. He treated me to a slice of cheesecake topped with fresh strawberries and whipped cream, which we shared. In the end it became a fork war that erupted in laughter. I started to wonder why I’d ever felt hesitant around him.
I was having a really good time. We talked about the movie and argued about the probability of it actually happening. Then we settled into a comfortable silence. Looking across the table, I realized I wasn’t as attracted to Elijah as I was to Tony. Why?
Elijah seemed to sense something. “I’ve never had a girlfriend before,” he said while watching my fork as I chased around the last strawberry in the crumbs from the cake crust. “I was hoping you’d be my first.”
I continued to play with the leftovers. “I don’t know.” I felt horrible for saying that, so I concentrated on the plate, not wanting to see the look on his face.
“You like that other guy,” he said after a long pause.
How’d he know? I looked up sharply. Elijah wore a dejected look.
“Well, kinda,” I sighed, “but he’s not my boyfriend.”
“But you wish he was.” I was shocked at his boldness. His blue eyes seemed to pierce right through me.
“Ya,” I said quietly, then added, “I don’t know if it’s going to work out, though.”
Elijah reached over and placed his hand on mine. “Would you consider giving me a chance anyway? I really like you, and I could never forgive myself if I didn’t do all I could to make you mine.”
Two conflicting emotions warred in my mind: as Elijah held his hand on mine, I felt good, and I wanted to say yes to him. But I also had a vision of Tony in my head, and I didn’t want to give that up.
“You don’t have to answer today; just think about it.” Elijah gave my hand a squeeze and let go.
I promised him I would. Already the fight between the boys was playing out in my head. He walked me to the bus stop, holding hands again. When he saw my bus approaching, he leaned over and kissed me lightly on the cheek. I put my hand up and held the spot as I boarded the bus. Then I watched as the bus started down the street, taking me away from him. Toby appeared beside me as Elijah and the bus stop went out of sight.
Toby cleared his throat and said, “Now, wasn’t that nice.”
That’s what I was thinking! The bus was relatively empty, but a few passengers were still on board, so I didn’t answer.
“Good movie too,” Toby continued, “and it could totally happen!” I crossed my arms and leaned back in the seat. “I felt that; you like him. Elijah is nice, and that’s how you are supposed to feel with a boy.”
It wasn’t until I was home in the safety of my room, with the chair against the door, even though my mom wasn’t home yet, that I was able to reply. “Ya, I like Elijah,” I said, sitting down on my bed with my nightclothes on. Toby sat on top of my desk. “But it doesn’t feel exciting. When I was with Tony, I was in constant anticipation about what he would do next!”
Toby winced. “Mariah, that’s not right.” It was obvious that he was fuming. “Tony ruined it for you to have a healthy relationship with anyone else!”
I shifted so I could lean against the wall. “You might be being too harsh on Tony.” I drew my legs to my chest and held onto them. “The more I look at my life, the more I realize I’m really messed up: my father left, my mother’s always mad at me, my brother and his friends abused me. I don’t think Tony corrupted me. I was already in a destructive cycle. He didn’t do anything to me that hadn’t already been done.”
“Perhaps, but he sure didn’t help.” Toby came to sit next to me on the bed. “The student surpasses the teacher,” he said, placing a hand on my knee. “So what now, beautiful?”
“I was going to ask you that.” I leaned my head on his arm. “Things have changed. I have, and Tony is changing. I still really want to be with him… But Elijah is nice. Perhaps if I had never met Tony, I might really like being his girlfriend. But now, I don’t know.”
“I’m not so sure,” Toby said, squeezing my knee. “I’m not sure you would have met Elijah if you didn’t meet me, and once I was part of the equation, then Tony was in the mix too.” Toby sighed. “You’re right, everything is changing, and it’s happening so fast, I don’t know what to tell you any more. My only question is: can you be with Tony without becoming so physical too quick?”
“Like, take it slow, the same way I would if I was with Elijah?” I repeated, thinking hard about it. I wanted to say I could, then I thought of Tony’s face, and my pulse quickened. “I guess we’ll find out tomorrow.”