DAY
22
I woke panting like I couldn’t catch my breath, and my heart beat so hard in my chest, it felt like it might break out. My hands shook, and I couldn’t focus my eyes. I wanted to call out to Toby, but I knew he was gone. I did a mental check; there was an empty space where I’d usually feel him.
I continued to fight for air, and the room began to swim, so I closed my eyes. This is a panic attack. There in the darkness of my mind, as I felt as if I was being pressed from all sides, like I was in a box that was rapidly shrinking, I found something. Words that echoed back to me from a time with Toby: “Be sad now, for soon you will have no reason to be.” Like magical words that opened a secret passage, I started to choke out sobs, and a floodgate of tears released. He was gone. Though I felt like my tears would never cease, they slowly did.
It was still early, but not too early to have a shower; the soothing water running over my body warmed me and reminded me of Toby. Fresh tears were shed, but I didn’t try to stop them. Then I got dressed and had to stop again, because Toby had helped me buy the shirt I wore. Afterwards I fixed my hair and finally was ready to go up to the kitchen. It was quiet and lonely, and I missed Toby all the more. But as the hour approached to go to school, I collected myself and headed out the door. This is how it had been just three short weeks ago. Only it hadn’t been anything like this…
Cindy met up with me as I was leaving home. She had been skipping along, but she came to a halt and said, “You’ve been crying.” She was a good friend. I had friends. That was a big difference.
I nodded, and even though I was fearful of sharing, I didn’t want to keep things from her. I had made that mistake last time! But I still didn’t know how to explain my sorrow. What would she think of me if I told her I had a ghost friend, and I’d lost him? So all I said was, “Bad morning,” and she accepted it.
She looped her arm around my back as we started for school. Within a block or two, Cindy was into one of her great stories of her adventures from the weekend. As she talked, I actually started to feel better. At least I didn’t feel so alone.
“I’m so glad we’re friends,” I said.
Cindy casually threw her arm over my shoulders “Thanks,” she replied. “I’m glad we’re friends too.”
By the time we got to the school, I didn’t feel so consumed by sadness, but I’m sure I still looked pretty bad. We met up with the gang, and while waiting for the first bell, everyone caught the others up on their weekend. When the question came to me, I stammered. This was it, just like last time—only it wasn’t; at the very least I wasn’t the same, and I wouldn’t make the same mistake.
Trying to control my sobs, I said, “Someone close to me died.” In so many ways, that was the truth. I’m not sure who hugged me first, but in the end seven pairs of arms were wrapped around me. Yup, this time was definitely different.
They didn’t ask many questions. Somehow it was enough to just comfort me in my sorrow. They took turns consoling me. Elijah walked with me to our lockers then to homeroom. I was sure he was anxious to hear if I had an answer for him, but he didn’t say anything. He did, however, catch my hand and hold it lovingly. What would I tell him? Should I go out with him?
The first three classes went by in a blur. I was reminiscing about the first day Toby had been with me. I’d been so uncomfortable with him shadowing me, but also with myself. Even with him gone, I sat taller, more confidently. When lunch came, I went to the office for my detention. I got my orders from Miss Rose and went into the secluded copying room. Alone, I cried openly, being careful not to get my tears on the freshly duplicated papers, but even as I cried, I noticed that the pain didn’t feel as deep or as bleak. When I finished, I wiped my face dry and left for lunch.
Elijah met me right outside the office. He took my hand as we started toward the lunchroom. “I know you’re sad today. I can’t imagine what it would feel like, but I just have to ask you if you’ve thought about my question at all? You don’t need to answer, though, if you’re not able to.”
I had, and I still didn’t know what to say, but I found his persistence adorable.
He stopped me and turned me to face him in the almost deserted hall. “Listen, I’m not asking you to spend the rest of your life with me. Just try dating me, for now, and if it doesn’t work, then we’ll go back to being friends.”
I closed my eyes. I could imagine Toby standing next to me. He’d be telling me to say yes. And this is the way Tony wanted it. Before I could come up with any reasons why I shouldn’t, I said, “Yes.”
Elijah did a jump and whooped, and then he put his hand behind my neck and leaned forward to kiss me. As our lips met, I knew that this was the right choice. Elijah would make a good first boyfriend. Even though I still loved Tony, it was best that we stayed friends. He was right, he wasn’t ready for forever, and neither was I. I was only fifteen. It was good to have a boyfriend who was only for now. Who knew about someday? But at this very moment, I was happy with Elijah. I mean, how many first boyfriends last forever?
Elijah wrapped his arm around me, and we walked the rest of the way to the lunchroom. Of course, showing up like that created quite the commotion among our friends. There were squeals of excitement from the girls and congratulatory gestures from the boys. Charlie told me that she’d always thought we’d make a good couple; I was confused and reminded her about what she’d told me at the sleepover. She explained that she did mean it, but she felt the risks were worthwhile, and she just wanted me to understand them before I made my decision. I didn’t really understand, but she smiled and we laughed together.
We ate and talked and had fun for the rest of the lunch hour. I barely thought of Toby. Elijah hardly took his eyes off me. It made me feel special, and when I returned his gaze, his smile would grow to cover his whole face. He walked me to my locker, making plans for a date on Wednesday. He just couldn’t wait until Friday but already had plans for Tuesday, and tonight was too soon. We made plans for Friday, too, of course.
In all the excitement, I’d forgotten to use the bathroom. I got permission from the teacher and hurried so I wouldn’t miss too much of the class. As I stood gazing into the mirror, still marveling at my reflection, I could kinda see how guys found me attractive… kinda. I finished washing my hands and turned to leave when Sara walked in, followed by Effie. I instantly felt panic in my chest, like a bird trying to escape from a cage, but it quickly faded! They said nothing, so after a steadying breath, I started to walk toward the door. Sara’s foot tripped me. I should’ve seen that coming.
“I’m sorry,” she said falsely as she leaned over taking my arm under the pretense of assisting me up. Once I was standing, she didn’t let go.
Effie stood in front of me. “I don’t care what you know or who you’re friends with—you are not welcome to ever be seen at Sara’s again!”
Sara continued to hold my arm, tight. I stood with my back to the counter and Effie barring my way out. I missed Toby. He’d know what to do to get me out of this! Somehow, just the thought of him made me feel stronger.
“And I suppose you are going to stop me?” I was so happy, and my voice didn’t shake.
“No,” Effie answered, and her eyes danced. “Sara will.”
With her free hand, Sara made a threatening fist.
But it didn’t work. I wasn’t convinced. “How’s that going to stop me?” I challenged. “If either of you hit me, I’ll have proof, then you’ll be suspended.”
“Ya,” Effie said, shoving me against the counter, “but you’ll still hurt!”
When my back hit the counter, it was in the same place as the bruise I’d gotten from my mom shoving me against the table. With the pain, it caused my feet to buckle, and I fell to the floor just as Sara was swinging at me with her fist. I figure she was aiming for my stomach with the hope of not leaving a mark, then it would have been their word against mine, but I fell, and her fist collided with my face.
I shut my eyes. The pain was excruciating, and I could feel hot sticky blood pouring from my nose. I yelped in pain.
Sara swore twice, and then in a whiny voice, she turned on Effie. “You promised no one would find out!”
Effie’s voice shook, but she wasn’t talking to Sara. “Oh, Mrs. Kellee, Mariah tripped.”
“That’s quite enough.” Mrs. Kellee’s voice was shrill with rage. “Sara, Effie, you two will come with me to the office immediately. Rayla and Cindy, please stay with Mariah. Elijah’s gone to fetch the nurse.” I heard them leave and Rayla and Cindy sobbing. They came to me and helped me up. Cindy wetted some paper towels, and Rayla didn’t leave my side. They both helped clean me up as best as they could. My shirt was bloodstained, and it made me sad because it was my favourite that Toby had helped me buy. But as Rayla and Cindy worked on getting the bleeding to stop, I didn’t miss him so much—how could I with such good friends?
Mrs. Kristy came in and took me down to her office, where I spent the rest of the afternoon resting. There was concern about a concussion, but luckily Sara hadn’t broken my nose, just nicked it. I was told that I would have a black eye. Even though the nurse spent the afternoon trying to get a hold of my mother, she was unsuccessful, and as the end of the day came, she eventually said she would have to let me go home alone. Elijah showed up after the last bell and promised to make sure I got home safely. My boyfriend! My hero.
Before I left her office, the nurse assured me that things were going to be different now. Not only had Effie and Sara been suspended for at least the current week, but also because of this incident, the staff had held a meeting to consider an anti-bullying program, to be implemented as soon as possible. I had my doubts, but I kept them to myself. Besides, things already were different for me.
As Elijah walked me home, my hand in his, I noticed the air had developed a bit of a nip; autumn was quickly fading, and winter would soon be here. This winter, however, didn’t feel quite as dark and dreary as the ones before. I had friends, and despite this day’s events, I still felt hopeful for the future.
Elijah and I talked all the way home. It seemed we had the same taste in music, movies, and we shared a warped/twisted sense of humor. We ended up talking a little about Tony. I’m not sure how we got onto the subject, but Elijah was curious about my relationship with him. I explained that Tony was trying to change his ways, and I was helping. I couldn’t tell if Elijah was more or less happy to hear the truth. Then he quizzed me about my other friend, Larry. I assured him we were nothing more than friends. Elijah seemed doubtful, but he said he’d believe me and made me promise to tell him if things changed.
I had almost completely forgotten about Toby. Now my thoughts returned to missing him, and as we neared my home, I became aware of a mounting dread.
When we got to my complex, I was torn. I wanted to invite Elijah over for two reasons. I was having tons of fun with him, and also because I knew he would ease the lonely feeling in my house. But I didn’t want my mother catching him over, and it didn’t feel right to sneak him into my room. I started to explain why I couldn’t have him come over unless my mom was out, and Elijah was embarrassed at the idea of visiting me alone. I had never thought about that. So we parted with a kiss.
I turned with a heavy heart. I didn’t want to say goodbye to him, and now I was faced with the reality of missing Toby and no distractions from it. My heart filled with sorrow with each step that brought me closer to home. Finally I found myself standing at the bottom of the stairs without the strength to walk up them. I couldn’t stay at home; it would be far too quiet and depressing without Toby! So I decided to walk around for a bit. When I passed the park where Toby and I had sat on the swings, tears blurred my vision, but I kept walking.
I had no idea, no plan. I just walked. Then, looking up, I recognized a small hairdressing shop in the mini-mall. With new determination I went over to it and entered.
I was greeted by Molly’s joyful voice. “Have a seat, I’m just finishing up.” She didn’t look up as she worked on a young man’s hair. He looked to be in his mid-twenties. I sat on a soft stool and picked up a magazine. Molly and the man were talking about the weather. I wasn’t paying much attention to the conversation or the book; I was simply enjoying the atmosphere of warmth and safety.
Once she was done with her customer and he had left, she came over to me. “Now, sweet thing, what can I do for you?” I looked up, and a gasp escaped from Molly’s mouth. “What happened?” I ended up telling her a lot more than I’d thought I would. It started with my black eye and worked backwards. In the end, I told her about Toby and all the adventures I’d had over the past three weeks.
For the first while we talked in her shop, but as the time passed she invited me upstairs to her apartment. It was directly above the store, and it wasn’t much different. It had several lamps, most of which were dimmed with coloured scarves. We entered into the kitchen from a back door that had stairs leading down to her shop. Her kitchen was about the same size as mine, only it didn’t have any windows, but it seemed much more inviting. She had a tall table that was the right height to stand at, or you could use one of the two bar stools to sit on. Through the kitchen was a homely looking living room with soft sofas and more lamps. There were two doors: one that led into her bedroom, and the other a small but functional bathroom.
I talked, and Molly only interrupted to clarify bits and pieces. Otherwise she was a very good listener. I told her everything I could think of and ended with, “I don’t think I’ll ever be able to go home! I just can’t—I miss him too much.” I sat in her living room holding a cup of tea, the scent of honey and chamomile wafting up to my nose.
Molly sipped slowly on her tea. When I didn’t say any more, she looked over her cup at me. “First of all, thank you for trusting me and sharing you adventures. And I want you to know I do believe you, every bit of it. But I would be very selective about who you share this with.”
I smiled. I already knew that! Then I realized: she’d said she believed me! That felt great. And I believed her.
“Now, about you going home to an empty house. Well, Toby was sent to you to help. It wouldn’t make sense for him to leave you worse off. So I think that you will go home, and though it will feel sad and hard, you’ll be just fine. It does seem that everything Toby said and did worked out well in the end.” I nodded. “You helped him with Stacy, and now you have a new start with an old friend. You wore more daring clothes and even trusted him on cutting your hair, and you feel better about yourself.” I nodded again. “So I’d trust him with what he told you about the boys too. Don’t fret; enjoy yourself with Elijah, be friends with Tony and even Larry. What was it Toby said? Larry likes you too? That’s not a bad thing. I’d just relax; you aren’t doing anything wrong. Continue to be as honest as you can with all your new friends and enjoy yourself. I’d trust that everything will work itself out just like Toby told you it would.”
She invited me to stay for dinner, and though it was some strange dish with sprouts, tofu, beans and something called quinoa, I actually enjoyed it. But I enjoyed Molly’s company even more. Later she found me a top to borrow and kept my blood-covered shirt, promising she’d do all she could to remove the stain.
I used Molly’s phone to call Stacy. She was overjoyed to hear from me and shared with me how things were going for her: she’d met with Toby’s parents on Sunday, and they’d been really nice. They accepted the contents of the letter and what their son had done and offered her and the child financial assistance, including all of Toby’s old trust funds. “I’m rich,” she said. Then today she’d had her first doctor’s appointment, and both her and baby were doing great. They’d even scheduled an ultrasound in a few weeks, and she couldn’t wait to see the little sucker. Stacy expressed how scared she still felt to be having a child, but somehow it was all going to be fine. Her parents had been a wonderful support. She was surprised that they weren’t mad; they had set her up for some counseling to try and help. Before we said goodbye, we made plans to go to the mall together on Saturday. She wanted to treat me to a show and even a small shopping spree. We both said how happy we were to be friends again. I knew things weren’t going to be perfect for her, but they would be better.
I stood at the door to leave. It was nearing eight at night, and it would take about thirty minutes to walk home. Molly had hugged me three times already, but as I turned to leave, she called out, “You know, my sister lives so far away, and she really doesn’t have time for me…” Her eyes danced. “Could I adopt you as my little sister?”
It sounded great! I beamed at the idea. We exchanged numbers and made plans for Sunday. After that, the walk home didn’t seem as long or lonely. When I walked into my house, I knew that what Molly had said was true; even though my whole body resounded with sorrow, I didn’t feel hopeless, and I knew I’d get over this loss.
I was down in my room trying to get my homework finished, still missing Toby a little, when the phone rang. It was late, and I almost decided not to answer. On the second ring, I reluctantly put my pencil down and raced up the stairs to the kitchen.
“Mariah?” came Larry’s voice. His voice was thick, like he might have been crying.
“What’s wrong?” I braced myself. Was it bad news?
He paused, and then said through chokes, “Tony’s in South View.”
“The jail.” I fell onto the kitchen chair from the shock. Hadn’t Tony changed?
“Well, S.V. Juvenile Hall.”
I watched out my window; the sky was clear and blue, with the last rays of light before the sun slipped over the horizon, but darkness was falling fast, and I could see the odd star shining though. “What happened?” I asked, still shocked that Tony would have gone and messed everything up.
“He turned himself in.” Larry’s voice showed his shock.
He’d turned himself in! I was relieved. At least it wasn’t for something new. It took a while for Larry to calm down and explain the whole story. Tony had picked him up for school as usual, but when he got there, he’d handed Larry the car keys and said he had to take care of something, and to keep the car until he got back. From there, Tony had ordered a cab that drove him to juvenile hall, where he’d confessed to everything he had ever done wrong. He even had a signed letter. After school, Tony had called Larry to tell him all this and also that Eric had been released. Neither one knew how long Tony would end up staying in juvie, but he didn’t seem upset by it. In fact, he said something about this being the time he needed to get himself together.
Larry seemed to be at a loss. “I want you to know that I still blame you.” Was he teasing? Taking a deep breath, he went on. “Honestly, I’m really proud of what Tony decided to do, so like I said, whatever you did to him was good.”
The sun had fully set, stars were littering the sky, and a peaceful, happy feeling entered my heart. “Do you think he’ll be alright in there?” Now that he’d changed, would it be good for him to be surrounded by other delinquents?
Larry chuckled. “You know, after the other night, when Tony told me everything… I wanted to turn him in myself, but he’s my pal. No, he said he would be fine, and this is the first time I believe him. Mariah, you should have heard him, he sounded so calm, even happy…”
It made sense. It was the same relief I’d seen and felt in Toby at the end. What he’d done was horrible, but now things were being set right. Justice was being served and the innocent cared for. Now Tony could start to feel better about himself without a guilty conscience. He’d have a clean slate.
Larry said his only regret was selfish; he was going to miss Tony, because no matter what he was to everyone else, he’d always been a good friend. Then he invited me to go visit Tony with him the next day after school. I agreed, and we talked a little longer about school. He’d heard about Sara punching someone and wasn’t completely surprised it had been me. He made some unkind remarks about his sister and her Effin friend. I enjoyed talking with him and thought about what Toby and Molly had said, but I knew I wasn’t doing anything wrong.
After we’d said our farewells, I made my way back down to my room and sat at my desk, pulling out a notebook. Then I spent a long time recounting all the shards of good I’d had in the last twenty-one days. I made a promise to myself to do this every night! I worried that I wouldn’t be able to get to sleep without Toby, but in the end that wasn’t a problem. I had hoped I would see him again in my dreams. I didn’t, but I wasn’t sure if that was good or bad.