DAY
23
And the rest of my life…
I woke early again. The feeling of loss was easier to handle this morning. When I went upstairs, I found my mother sitting at the kitchen table. She looked miserable, as though she had cried all night long. Her hair was loose and frizzled, her eyes bloodshot, and when she turned her head to look at me, it seemed as if it took all her energy. Through chokes, she said, “They sentenced your brother yesterday.”
What a relief! I tried not to let my feelings show through. I really wasn’t surprised. “How long?” I asked carefully.
“Five years!” she sobbed, grabbing a Kleenex from the half-empty box on the table. “He’ll be eligible for a review if he serves three years with good behavior.” Somehow five years just didn’t sound like enough, but I kept my mouth shut.
“He was my baby!” My mother continued to wallow.
As I watched her, I wondered why she felt such a loss. Jake hadn’t been very nice to her, yet for some reason she couldn’t bare the thought of losing him. I knew she had lost him long before today, but for her, that was what she finally faced. I felt pity for her, not anger any more—more like sadness. She couldn’t see the truth. I tried to find some consoling words, though I’m not even sure she was listening. Then I finished my chores and left for school. She might never get it—she would probably never change. Yet, as I walked, I knew that had no effect on my value.
Cindy ran to hug me as we met up. We walked to school, and I told her what had happened with my brother. It felt nice to be able to share this burden with her. She didn’t know what to say, but she listened and tried to empathize. Then she told me my eye was looking better and about her brother needing braces and her mom’s plan to take away the candies once again. I had to laugh.
At the school, I again felt like a celebrity as I was asked to tell and retell about what had happened in the girls’ washroom. I was commended for my bravery. How had I been brave? But it wasn’t just my friends; several other students came to me and asked me to tell them about the incident. I also got high-fives and congratulations. I thought about it. Those same kids that had taunted me about ants were now cheering for me. How had I gone from butt of the jokes to school hero? It was beyond me. I tried not to take it too seriously—who knew what tomorrow could bring? I might end up the “loser” again—though I highly doubted it.
At lunch, I went to the office to serve my standing detention, but instead of having a stack of pages ready to be copied, the secretary informed me that Ms. LaKey wanted to see me in her office.
She sat at her desk; her chair swiveled to face the wall behind her. As I stood waiting, she slowly turned it to face me. “I want to make it clear that I don’t agree with the rest of the staff. I don’t care what you’ve told them—I know the truth.” She narrowed her eyes, “Mrs. Roosofe and I are good friends, we grew up together, and I know she would never raise a kid to be mean.” She leaned forward in her chair. “Now, you may have everyone else fooled, but I know the truth. You need to toughen up! I saw that from the first day you came here, walking around like the world is against you…”
I felt a twinge of remorse that Toby wasn’t with me. I needed him now… Ms. LaKey told me about how I played victim and I invited kids to be mean. I was pleased, as I slowly felt strengthened inside. Even though he wasn’t here—I couldn’t see him or sense him—I knew he was still with me. Knowing that gave me a strength that welled up from within, helping me to square my shoulders and look Ms. LaKey straight in the eye.
She faltered for a second. “Anyway, because you seem to have the wool pulled over everyone else’s eyes, I am, for now, revoking your detention. But I warn you: you do one thing wrong, I will be there ready to reinstate it and make your life miserable for the rest of your days at this school.”
I had no problem believing her. I knew she meant it. Yet it somehow didn’t bother me. I left her office with my head held high. I realized that the world was gonna keep on going with good and bad. That was never going to change. But I had; and so had the way I handled things. I was no longer weak, afraid or alone.
I enjoyed the rest of the lunch hour with my friends, Elijah next to me with his arm around my back. He was a good boyfriend. The rest of the day flew by after that. Larry met me after school, marveling at my eye and using some choice words about Effie. Elijah came to meet Larry. When I introduced Elijah as my boyfriend, I saw something flicker in Larry’s eyes. I squeezed Elijah and kissed him goodbye, and he reluctantly let me go.
“You gonna tell Tony about your boyfriend?” Larry asked while keeping his eyes glued to the road.
“Yup.” I hadn’t done anything wrong! I answered, “You know, he’s the one who told me to date Elijah.”
Larry swerved but stayed in the lines. “Wow,” was all he said.
Worrying that Larry was upset somehow, I asked, “This doesn’t change things with us, does it?”
For the first time he looked at me, very briefly. I saw disappointment, but he told me that all was well, we were friends, and a boyfriend didn’t change that.
Once we got to S.V., Larry stayed out. He wanted to give Tony and me some time alone, he said. Tony rushed in. The guard was almost knocked over in his haste. I got up and he embraced me. The guard stayed just inside the door, watching.
“I was hoping you’d come! You’re the only thought that’s kept me going.” He stepped back, and looking at me he gasped, “What happened to your eye!” I was gong to ask Tony the same thing. But I explained first. Tony seemed shocked but gave me a huge hug again and commended me on my bravery.
“Tony, I’m dating that other boy.”
Tony slowly let me go. Was he angry? Was he sad? He sat, and I sat next to him. “I’m glad,” he said, giving me a sad smile.
“Really?” I didn’t believe him.
He took my hand in his. “Absolutely.” Then he added, searching around the room with his eyes, “It’s the right thing, and I’m sure Toby would agree.”
“Toby’s gone,” I whispered. The tears burned at the corner of my eyes.
“Really? Like for real?” He understood my pain; it was reflected in his face.
I told Tony about our last night together, my brother’s sentence and my mother’s grief. I talked until I was all out of things to say, and then I asked him about his eye.
He chuckled while rubbing the back of his neck. “You know that brother of yours?” I stiffened. “He was in here yesterday before they sentenced him. Well, he’s really ticked about his leg, but that’s not why I got this…” Tony grinned, his dark eyes shining. “He got extra mad when I told him he was wasting his life…”
I gasped. Why would Tony say that!
“I don’t know why I felt compelled to talk to him. I guess I was thinking of Toby and how he had set me straight.” Tony chuckled again. “Jake didn’t take the news so well, but I can’t say much. I wasn’t really any better when you told me.” Taking my hand in his, he kissed it lightly. “Didn’t I try and hit you over it? I’m so sorry for that.”
I smiled. I knew Tony was going to be just fine…
“Well, I’m not giving up. I plan on telling everyone I get a chance to about the dangers of making the wrong choices.” He went on, but I thought about Toby’s legacy: his new legacy, the one he’d created through me. It felt nice being part of something that special.
I listened as Tony told me about all the details of his life in jail—how he was going to have a hearing to discuss how long he should be held in custody. His mother was going to come down, and he was glad she’d be there. He hadn’t seen his father since Wednesday, but that didn’t matter. When he was released, he was going to move in with his mother. He talked about the counselor he’d have to see daily, but he also said how much better he felt, and it showed on his face.
Eventually Larry came in and we all visited, spending over an hour just talking, and I remembered to enjoy every minute of it, because I knew this was the good stuff.
We planned to make it a regular thing to meet every Tuesday and Thursday. Larry took me out for dinner on the way home, and sitting opposite him in Dave’s Deep Dish Pizza Parlour, I thought, Toby was right, it did have the best pizzas, but also that the best part of life was the time spent in the company of friends. I realized then that all those tiny shards of good had somehow grown! I could see clearly that the good outweighed the bad.
When Larry took me home, even though the house was empty when I got in, I knew I’d be alright; soon enough I’d be moving away from my mother, and starting the next chapter of my life. But how sad for her—I could see that she’d be stuck here, and with me gone, she’d truly be alone.
I wish I could tell you that I lived happily ever after, but there is no such thing. As long as you are living, there will be something that could trouble you. What I can tell you is that I lived, and there were sorrows as well as great happiness. I promise, though, that I held on to the good forever after, and it always outweighed the bad!
You see, it’s not what happens to you that makes your life better or worse; it’s how you deal with it… I choose happiness. In that I can be safe.