DAY
2
As I slept, I dreamed the most vivid, beautiful and baffling dream: I was in a meadow, with the softest grass I’d ever felt under me. I sat there in the warmth of the sun, a sun that shone brightly, but it did not feel too hot on my skin. I had on my shortest sleeved shirt and a pair of shorts that I normally wouldn’t have felt comfortable in, but they didn’t feel too bad, and looking down at myself, I saw I wasn’t overweight. I looked great, like I remembered myself when I was much younger. Suddenly someone was approaching. It was Toby, but he didn’t look like himself either—he looked much younger, and he glowed slightly. He came and sat down right next to me, a wide grin on his face.
“He’s not mad at you,” Toby said, and he kept smiling an animated smile.
I was confused. “Who?” Who’d be mad at me? I felt momentarily panicked, but that quickly faded, as it was too difficult to hold on to such a negative feeling in this warm and wonderful place.
“And He loves you,” Toby added, “He loves you, and He loves me.”
“Who? Who? Who is he?” I sounded a bit like an owl. But all Toby would do was smile, he was so happy. I wanted to get angry, but it was too difficult, since the sun warmed my skin and the grass felt exquisitely soft, like it was giving me a hug.
Then I heard a far-off noise. I knew it was a loud and jarring noise, even though I could barely hear it from where I was, and I wanted it to go away, but it persisted. Slowly the meadow vanished, as did the warmth of the sun, and finally Toby, or at least this dream Toby. Because when I woke up and opened my eyes, I found myself staring right into the face of the real Toby, as real as someone who’s dead can be. Somehow, in the night, he had come to be right next to me, and now he was here just inches from my own face, looking over at me. I quickly put together what had happened. He’d closed his eyes to sleep, and my gravitational pull had moved him over to my bed, so close I could have felt his breath. Did he have breath?
I was furious and pushed out at him. This time my hand did not go through him. It made contact with his chest, but instead of pushing him back, I managed to push myself right off the bed and onto the floor. I fell with a loud thud, and felt not only angry now, but also foolish. I was stuck between my bed, dresser and desk.
Toby brought his head over the side of the bed with that stupid odd grin and asked, “You alright?” I glared up at him, wishing him gone. He just shook his head. “I’m going to take that as a ‘yes.’”
“I didn’t go through you,” I finally muttered as I collected myself and started getting up. Why was it that sometimes I did and other times I didn’t?
“I noticed that too,” he said, offering his hand to help me. This made me feel even more rotund, so I refused to take it. “I found that a bit shocking and a little amusing,” he said, stifling a laugh.
I finally managed to stand, only to elicit more laughter from Toby. I had put my PJ bottoms on backwards under the covers, and now I was wearing big letters across my front that said, “stretch”. Why pajamas for oversized girls had to be so degrading, or why my mom had bought me this precise pair, I’ll never understand, but if I had been uncomfortable with the word “stretch” across my bottom, I was downright ashamed to have it go across my front.
Toby quickly gathered himself together. “How about I just turn my back this time when you change,” he offered.
I was too out of sorts to give any answer but a short nod, in response to which he turned around. As I got dressed, I felt as if I was returning some unkindness and torture by taking extra long, but Toby did not utter a single word the whole time. When I was done, I raced upstairs, and then turned to see him just a few feet behind me, despite my best efforts and deepest wishes.
The kitchen was littered with bowls and cups. Clearly my mom and brother had resolved their differences, and she was now on her way to work, and he was either sleeping in or had headed back out to his friends on the street. Regardless, no one was left to clean the mess, so I started on it. While I cleaned, I nibbled on the half-eaten pizza someone had left out. By the time the kitchen was done, so was the pizza. I sat down and had a full bowl of cereal, but I had to eat it dry because the milk had run out. Typical.
I added both milk and cereal to the shopping list, as well as some other items, and then I looked in the cupboard in our special spot for my lunch money. I was relieved to find it there, because that meant my mom had remembered, and my brother hadn’t found our new hiding place yet, like he had the emergency stash.
All the while, Toby just stood nearby and watched. I felt as if I wanted to say something to him; yell at him to go away or explain myself to him, but I kept busy by doing my daily routine until it was time to go. It had become apparent that I was the only one who could see him. This didn’t seem to bother him, but I wondered if when he spoke, I’d be the only one to hear, and if that were the case, then I would look like a nut to everyone else when I responded. I was a big fan of the TV show where a very big comedian plays the only guy that can see or hear this imaginary person, and he always ends up making a huge fool of himself. But they get paid to do it, and I wasn’t interested in looking so foolish, especially without some sort of payoff at the end. I made up my mind then and there; no matter what, I wasn’t going to respond to Toby! But how could I let him know this?
For the moment, he seemed to just be along for the ride, and perhaps that was what it was like for him. We sat in an overcrowded public bus. It took two buses to get to school, but depending on how much walking I felt like doing, I would sometimes skip one, and some days I would walk the whole way, about four kilometres, if I was in the mood and on time. Today I was neither, so we crammed in with the rest of the morning rushers. Toby barely fit, and there were times when he was all but not there as people stood in him and walked right through him.
He seemed a bit put off by his lack of presence and made a point of standing extra close to me, which made me uncomfortable. As the ride continued, I caught him staring at me from time to time. He wouldn’t look away until I finally acknowledged him with a nod or a blink. I guess that was the only way he could feel like he was real. Suddenly I felt an overwhelming sense of sorrow for him. Here he was, for whatever reason, tied to me and unable to do or go anywhere he desired or even remember anything that would have mattered so much to me if I were him, yet he just kept on silently standing near enough to be seen by me, the only person who knew he was real. How hopeless would I feel? Then I wondered if this would have been my fate had I been able to complete my suicide, and again I felt a wash of gratitude for him showing up just in time. I wanted to encourage him somehow. I ended up flashing a smile that was misinterpreted by another passenger, who smiled back. Toby chuckled quietly, but only I heard him.
At school, it was a little less crowded, especially because everyone would clear the halls to show me how big I was. My school was a three-storey grey brick building, or actually two buildings attached to form an L. Then there was a third building, the newest addition that housed the two gyms. The building looked a little like a straight-angled horseshoe or three parts of a rectangle. Only the gym building was just one-and-a-half storeys high. My locker was located on the second floor of the middle wing, right beside my homeroom.
I tried to ignore all the calls of “Here comes Godzilla,” which I usually had to endure each day, or “Earthquake! …Oh, phew it’s only Mariah.” Today, however, I found it extra hard, because as I heard each comment, some quiet, some not so much, I’d see Toby flinch. He stopped trying to catch my eye and instead looked squarely at each person who insulted me, as if he could inflict some pain through his invisible stare. He didn’t even get flustered when a guy walked right through him. He pushed past with an unsuccessful shove and kept following me. I saw him flex his jaw and square his shoulders. How could he have so much confidence? He was nothing to anyone but me.
At my locker, I collected my book and wrote a quick note to flash at Toby. It said, “Not gonna talk to you. Don’t want to look insane… Smile —this isn’t your life.” I casually put it on top of my books in homeroom. He read it over my shoulder, nodded and even bent down to give me a quick forced grin. Then I slipped the note into my desk and proceeded with the rest of my day.
Toby was like my shadow. He was never more than three steps behind, and whenever possible, he was glued to my side. I felt jittery. He watched me so closely— it was like my life was on display. I was so much more aware of things; the names I was called and the looks other students would give me. But I also had a hard time doing things I usually did, wondering what Toby was thinking of me now… Having him watching me made me start to look at things differently, like did I need to eat the chips between classes? And why did I only watch the ground when I was walking through the halls? Slowly I became more and more comfortable with him standing closer to me, so much so that by the time I took the bus home, which was even more crowded than in the morning, I didn’t object when he was pushed right against me, his chest pressed into my side. He stayed that way for three stops.
“I’m sorry I had to hold on to you at the end there,” he said once we were on our own, walking the rest of the way home. He sounded genuine.
“It was packed,” I replied. Honestly, I had only taken one of the two buses, because even though I tried to act casual, I still felt squirmy when Toby was pressed tight to my side. Now we were walking down an embankment that led to a quiet neighbourhood, and through that we’d meet up with a walking path that would take us to my townhouse complex.
He nodded. “Well, I’m still sorry I had to. I know how uncomfortable you are with me being so close.”
“No, it’s not that. It’s just…” I had to stop myself. What had it been… just that! “I’m not comfortable with my size, I guess. When anyone gets close to me, it makes me remember just how fat I am.” Why had I said that? It was true, but why!
Toby came to a sudden halt. I kept going, sure he’d have to catch up eventually. I was shocked when I couldn’t take another step. I looked back to where he stood, seven feet away, and I felt a little shaken by this new advantage he had on me. I folded my arms.
He looked a bit surprised too, but overriding that look was his resentment about my previous statement. I guess it had bothered him, and he was going to speak his mind. “Ever since I first saw you, it has been clear that you aren’t happy with your size. I know I even made some mistake in referring to it, and that got you really upset. But the truth is, I look at you now, and I don’t see you as any larger than most of the girls…” He paused to take a breath when I made a face. “No, Mariah, you’re no larger than the full-figured girls at your school!” Full-figured was just a fancy name for fat.
“Then you must not have been looking hard,” I said, pushing at the invisible wall that stopped me from taking even one more small step away.
“In case you didn’t notice, I didn’t have anything else to do today, and so all I was doing was looking! You think you’re so big? Well, I spotted several other girls in each of your classes that were way bigger than you.” He stood waiting for my response.
I didn’t want to hear it, but what he said was true. I knew it. Why was it so hard for me to believe? Why did I feel like I was the fattest of all? Then a new thought ran through my head. I might not be the fattest, but I was surely the most ugly!
Toby slowly came forward until he was by my side again. “Now, I’m not going to mince words. You could use some toning up, I guess, but it’s really nothing and other than that, you don’t look so bad.” He looked as if he wanted to say more, but he just shook his head and waited for me to make the next move.
I felt…confused. I turned and started to walk. He said I didn’t look so bad… but he was dead…he was also a boy… He didn’t mean it, he just said it because he was stuck with me. But there were a few girls fatter than me… “Did you notice Effie?” I shyly asked.
“How could I miss her?”
Effie was in my grade. She was almost three of me put together, but she was friends with the “in” crowd. In fact, she was at the top of the pecking order, the queen most high. She was loaded, rich enough to be able to buy the most expensive in-style clothes, get the top name brands and even start a few trends herself. Everyone acted like she was the only authority at our school. No one wanted to cross her, not even to disagree, because she called all the shots, and if she said anyone was “out,” then they were. Ever since day one, she’d made it perfectly clear that I was “out.”
“She’s over twice your size, and she had the nerve to call you a fat…well, you heard what she said.” Toby ran his hand through his hair.
“Ya,” I hung my head low. It was what she’d called me at least once a day since I’d moved to her school just under two years before. “But she has a thyroid disorder, so she’s allowed to have weight problems.” I remembered the first time she’d called me that name, I’d asked her how she could justify it, when she was clearly bigger then I was. One of her friends had attacked me, saying that it was medical, and what was my excuse? That had shut me up for good.
“Well, she’s got attitude,” Toby added. “She’s confident in her status.”
“That’s easy with enough money,” I retorted. I was getting tired of the subject. It just reminded me of everything I was not.
“It’s not her money, it’s her.” Toby slowed to walk a pace or two behind me. “She knows who she is and what she wants. That’s what makes her. You could have that too.”
I stopped dead in my tracks. “What do you mean?”
“You know I’m the invisible one here, but you act like you are.”
I narrowed my eyes. “What are you saying?”
“Well, you have a personality that is quite special. That’s why the kids pick on you so much—your potential scares them.”
“You are full of something, and it’s starting to smell,” I said and walked the rest of the way home without uttering a word. How could he think I was special? I was nothing! I was nobody! I wasn’t worth the saliva that the kids used to spit on me.
Toby honored my vow of silence, though he wore a pained expression. Once home, I helped myself to an extra amount of after school snack to spite him, and sat down in front of the television. I was just contemplating a second helping when the front door slammed.
“Honey, I’m home!” came Jake’s loud, obnoxious voice down the hall. I tried to scoot out of the living room and make it down to my room before he could see me, but I was slower than him. He barred my way down the stairs. “Mom says I’ve got to be a good boy, so you sis, is gonna have to help me!”
“What do you want from me?” I asked, looking for an escape route. Panic making my breath come fast. I looked to Toby, hoping he’d push Jake out of the way again.
“You gonna have to cook me and my boyz some suppa.” Jake’s breath reeked of booze.
“Jake, your friends don’t like me, remember?” I whined. My heart sank, and my mind raced for something to do to keep me away from Jake’s “friends.” My skin crawled at the idea of being in the kitchen surrounded by his gang. They all liked to stare at me, and some even grabbed at me if I got too close.
“Ya, well not allz them hatez ya, and sides, you cook and weel all lovez ya,” he said in his mocking voice as he put a hand on my shoulder. His voice hardened. “But, if you don’t cook, I’ll let ma boyz lovez ya in a whole new way, and don’t think that chair is gonna stop some ’em from getting inta your room!”
My flesh crawled under his hand, and I recoiled from him like someone trying to step away from a cobra. His fingers bit into my neck muscles, and I could feel his nails breaking my skin. Toby just stood there wide-eyed and watching!
“We got deal, little sis?”
I nodded obediently. “What do you want me to cook, J?” I asked, turning away from Toby, who was no help at all.
“What is there in this dump? Who cares, just make me a meal fit for a king!”
“For you and…” I questioned. “How many should I prepare for?” My mind raced, trying to think of a meal that I could make before Jake’s friends even started to arrive.
“Everyone! I’ve invited them all. Boy, is mom gonna be sorry she made me come home!” He turned and headed down the stairs, releasing me so I could scamper into the kitchen.
Toby was still behind me as I turned around. “You still here?” I spat out. I wanted to hit him! I wanted him to hurt as much as I did inside!
“I can’t go anywhere else,” he said. I saw my pain reflected in his eyes.
“Oh, I just thought you came to help me! Well, if you didn’t notice, I needed your help just now!”
“No, you didn’t,” Toby said, sitting down, but his voice held no confidence. I glared at him until he squirmed. “I couldn’t do anything,” he admitted, slapping the table in frustration. “I tried, and I just couldn’t.”
“Not good for much of anything, are you!” I snapped, and then spent the whole time I was making supper in a huffy silence.
Jake came back up and sat in the chair across from Toby. He watched me as I fried some ground beef for the sauce and chopped vegetables. Occasionally he’d make a comment about hurrying up. This just made me clumsy, and I took twice as long. Then his friends started to show up: Roc, Ed and Nick. They all piled into the kitchen, where there wasn’t enough room to begin with.
I was pinched and slapped on the bottom at least five times before I was finally released to retreat to the privacy of my room. I could feel all eyes upon me as I walked down the hall and turned the corner to go downstairs. I heard the doorbell ring and more friends arrive. I shuddered and ran to my room.
Once we were down there again, Toby said, “You know upstairs?”
“Ya, living room, dining room, kitchen…what about it?” I said. I was not interested in discussing it, and I sat at my desk skimming over my English assignment.
“I’ve been thinking it over, and I haven’t got it yet, but I know I’m here to help you. It’s just not in the way you think you need help.”
“You sure know how to talk in riddles, don’t you?”
“Believe me when I tell you there isn’t anything I’d like to have done more than push your big jerk of a brother down the stairs!” His hands shook as he held them out.
“You know, for his age, he’s not so big,” I said, feeling nervous.
“Well, you know what I mean.” Toby rolled his eyes. “My point is: how would that have helped anything? He would have thought it was you who pushed him, then you’d be in more trouble, and I believe he was right about the lock on your door not being good enough to keep his friends or even him out.”
“No lock can keep him out,” I said, returning my attention to my work. I was terrified of Jake. Would I ever be safe from him? Toby was right, it wouldn’t have helped, but it didn’t make my whole life feel any better knowing it. For a moment I strained my ears, listening for what was happening on the floor above. Jake and his friends were still up partying, and I could hear the occasional smashing of a glass, or more likely a bottle. It was nearing nine at night, and I wondered when Mom would be getting home, and how she would face this new challenge. Then I returned to my English assignment and the safety of my own room. Though I knew it wasn’t truly safe, it still felt better to pretend it was.
Toby left me to my homework and rifled through some of my books. I was embarrassed at the collection of romance novels I owned. When I was finished, I couldn’t deny the need to use the washroom any longer. It had grown as the hours dragged on, but I didn’t want to leave my room. The extra chair was pressed up against my doorknob, as I’d seen in many movies where the occupants of a room wanted to keep something out. It seemed to work fifty percent of the time on those shows, so it seemed something worth using, despite my brother’s insistence that it wouldn’t. To remove it willingly seemed like asking for trouble.
I stood up and stretched, wondering if I could get away with quickly zipping to the bathroom and back before my brother or his wild friends made it down to check on me. I crossed my legs tight, holding against the mounting pressure, and hoped for relief.
“You have to go, don’t you?” Toby asked as I looked in the direction of my barred door. I nodded slightly. “You know, I think I actually feel it too. Wow, you can hold your bladder a long time!” I looked over to my door again, not sure I was willing to risk it. Toby shook his head. “Listen, it’s either this or crawl out your window and beg one of your neighbours to let you in to use their washroom, and that’s if you make it out of the yard without being seen.”
I knew he was right. My bedroom was just under the living room, where I could hear Jake and his friends hanging out. The living room had a huge bay window that the back door was right next to—I’d be seen in an instant and caught almost as quickly. My legs still shook with the idea of leaving the safety, imagined or not, of my room.
“Trust me,” Toby insisted, “nothing bad will happen.”
“Are you sure?” I asked, biting down hard on my lip.
“I promise.”
I didn’t think that was really good enough, but I had to do something or suffer the consequences. I decided to chance making a run for the washroom. Once there, Toby stepped into the tub and pulled the shower curtains closed. As soon as I had my pants down, I heard two loud voices on the stairs.
“Toby, you promised!” I said in a panicked and squeaky voice.
“Just relax, I’ve got your back on this one,” he assured me.
I heard the two outside the washroom. They were both guys that had been Jake’s friends from the beginning, and one of them would stare at me and make kissing noises whenever I looked his way. My gut squirmed. Someone tried to open the door.
“Don’t make a sound,” Toby instructed from behind the curtain. “You will be fine if they don’t think it’s you in here.”
Make a sound? I couldn’t even breathe.
“Hey!” one of them yelled as he pounded on the door. I kept my mouth and eyes shut tight. What would they do if they caught me? Would Jake stop them?
“Maybe it’s J-boy’s pretty sister,” the other said. That was Nick. I could tell by his high-pitched, whiny voice. The pounding got louder.
If I could have stopped my heart from beating, in case it was at all audible, I would have, but then the knocking stopped, and I heard someone say, from further down the hall at my bedroom door, “You in there, pretty?” I heard a scraping sound and a bump as they tried to open my door, and for some reason they didn’t get in.
“Aw, she’s hiding in there.” Nick sounded disappointed. “Must be Bib in here,” he said, giving the washroom door one last thump.
“C’mon, lets get outta here, before J-boy thinks we were trying to mess with his baby sister again. He’d kick us right out on our asses like Mims.” Finally I breathed a sigh of relief as I heard their heavy steps going upstairs.
“Now, hurry up and do your thing before anyone else comes!” Toby said.
“Who was Mims?” Toby asked as I was getting comfortable under the blankets. My homework now lay finished on my desk.
“A friend of Jake’s.” I was taken aback by this question and stammered a moment, trying to find my breath. “Why?”
“Well, because I heard them say something about him as we hid in the washroom.” Why did he have to bring up Mims?
“So what?” I snapped. I didn’t like where this was going, and I really wanted Toby to stop. I blinked back the memory that threatened to surface through my thoughts.
“Well, your brother kicked him out.” Toby squinted like he was trying to see me better.
“Ya, again I say: so!” This time I was begging him with my eyes to stop, but he might have missed my look in the dusk darkness that filled my room. It was closing in on eleven. My mom had finally returned, and after some loud words, Jake’s friends had left. As far as I could tell, he had come down to bed. His music beat through the wall that we shared.
“Why did he kick Mims out?” Toby reached out and gave my knee a nudge.
“Toby, it’s late, and I really don’t want to be talking about my loser brother and his gang of loser friends.” I crossed my arms.
“But I wanted to point something out…well, two things.”
“Why?” I felt like I was close to crying again. Mims smiled and leered in my mind’s eye.
“Because I think you missed them, and you really need to know.”
“Fine. Make your point so I can go to sleep.” But by now I was so far from tired, I felt I could have stayed awake all night and not had to sleep again until the next evening.
“Alright.” Toby shifted. He was sitting at the foot of the bed. My legs were behind him, and though he still didn’t crease the bed sheets, I could feel him move against my feet. “First, this proves that you are worthy of admiration.”
“What?” I mean what! How could he really believe that? He’d seen more of me than most, and that only gave him a bigger picture of my flaws!
“Well, forgive me, but your brother’s friends, scummy though they are, do live in a very real world, and a lot of them, believe me, a lot, seem to be interested in looking at you. I was watching tonight as you made their meal and cleaned up before they started to get too rough. I’m not saying you should go for any of them. They’re scum, and you’d be safer if your brother didn’t bring them around, but if you weren’t pleasing to their eyes in some way, they wouldn’t be acting that way.”
“I’m not so sure,” I huffed. “They seem to be the type of boys that like to get a rise out of anyone they can. They could just be trying to have fun with me, making me think I’m all that.”
“Doesn’t make sense to me,” Toby argued. “No, guys will hardly ever say a girl is pretty if they don’t believe she is. In fact, most often they are willing to lie the other way around! A lot of the time, we guys will say a girl is downright ugly, even though we don’t think they are.”
I sat up so quick it made him jump. “Why? Why do you do that?”
“Because we are just as insecure as anyone. If our friends don’t like a girl, or if we like her, but just don’t know how to approach her, we’ll put her down. It’s not the smartest plan, but we’re not so smart all the time.”
“So, what you are trying to tell me is that if I’m being lunged after by my brother’s druggy friends, that means I look good.”
“Ya, and also that you shouldn’t believe everything the boys at school say. At least half of them are probably lying.”
“No way!” I shook my head so hard it made the bed shake.
“Believe me.” Toby slapped my foot, and the chill raced along my spine. “You just trust me, I’ll tell you tomorrow all the boys that are lying. I seem to be able to sense these things now.” He smiled like he was proud of this ability. His perfect and straight teeth shone in the dark room.
“I don’t know if I can trust you on this one,” I said. “Not now, and not tomorrow, even if you point them out to me.” I lay back down and got my head comfortable on my pillow. “What was the second thing?”
“Oh ya, your brother cares about you a lot.”
I shook my head and laughed in disbelief. Ya, threatening me and treating me like I was his own personal slave maiden, sure he cared for me!
“What did Mims do to you?”
“Why do you think he did something to me?” I blinked. Mims was waiting on the inside of my eyelids; it gave me a chill.
“I know he did.” Toby placed his hand around my toes.
I shook my head. Even thinking about it now, nine months after the fact, made tears leap to my eyes. “It was nothing,” I said, turning so that I wouldn’t be noticed wiping my eyes on my pillow.
“No it wasn’t, it was something, and you didn’t deserve to be treated that way, but I won’t bug you any more tonight.” I felt his fingers close around the toes on my left foot; quickly the chill from his touch subsided and was replaced with soft warmth, and as I drifted off to sleep, that warmth seemed to envelop my whole body.