Chapter 1: What is Emotional Abuse?

he term emotional abuse is a term that is described in different relationships differently. Ideally, emotional abuse is the damage in a person's emotions which is influenced by various factors. There are non-physical behaviors that cause emotional abuse; these include insults, threats, excessive messaging, stalking, isolation, intimidation, humiliation, constant monitoring, and threats.

There are various behaviors that qualify to be emotional abuse, these are:

● Yelling at someone

● Calling someone abusive names

● Embarrassing someone in public

● Preventing someone from talking with family members

● Ordering someone on what to wear

● Intimidation, control, and humiliating someone using social networks

● Stalking someone

● Making threats to a partner if the partner dares to leave the relationship

● Spreading rumors and threatening to take someone's child away

● Threats to harm family members, pets, and friends

As we have seen, emotional abuse is high especially when the relationship between two individuals is affected by non-physical abuse or violence. Verbal abuse is the main cause of emotional damage because it is the first trigger that can lead to physical violence. The worst thing about emotional abuse is the fact that some threats or words can be repeated so many times that it becomes a reality. One starts to believe that she is not beautiful, that he is not handsome, and that he/she is fat, ugly, and not dateable. The extreme bit is the lack of confidence and low self-esteem that crops up, and self-blame starts to beat someone down.

Emotional abuse is a social problem that has a catastrophic impact. There is a growing concern on defining what it is, confronting it, and providing remedies to some of the effects that it causes. In the fields of education, medicine, social science, and law, this aspect is being looked into, because these fields which require a strong mind and individuals who are strong in their confidence to impact the society, and a counter measure of this abuse has to be readily available to individuals.

Emotional abuse is a different form of violence in all kinds of relationships. It is often characterized by behavior patterns that cause injury to parties that are usually innocent and not deserving of the treatment. Emotional abuse happens in families, health, industry, religious places, non-quasi-religious places, and in corporations. When you are looking into emotional abuse, always know that the victim's state is fully understood.

Let us look at emotional abuse in two classes of people

a) A child

b) An adult

A child

Ideally, the emotional abuse of a child is described as inflicting emotional or mental injury into a child, which leads to the impairing of a child’s development, physiological functioning, and growth.

An adult

When we get to the adult, we describe emotional abuse as inflicting anguish, mental pain, and distress via non-physical or physical actions that include isolation, terrorism, exploitation, humiliation, corruption, stalking, and even dishing out threats.

Emotional abuse can also come in the form of an attitude which ends up to become a behavior. The abusive attitude does not have to be intended by the abuser. It can be a reckless action which can still cause damage.

Aspects of an emotionally abusive relationship

Humiliation - This is whereby, a child or an adult feels bad about himself. A child or an adult can be compelled to believe that he/she is worthless, and he/she cannot be valued by anyone. To achieve this kind of abuse, shaming, screaming, and name-calling, are some of the catalysts that erode someone's self-esteem.

Dominance - This is the aspect where a person obeys without question, and one becomes another’s slave. One is treated as an object. An adult is treated like a young child, and a child is treated like an incompetent good for nothing kid.

Isolation - This happens when a child or adult is separated from interacting with the world in any way. It can involve keeping the individual away from the family members, friends, or even attending school or work.

Intimidation - These are gestures that include smashing objects at someone's face, destroying one's property, laying down weapons to command authority, and even hurting pets to make a point.

Threats - Victims are confronted with threats from abusers for them to stay where they are. Abusers may threaten to harm the victim’s pets, their family members, threaten to commit suicide, and even file charges against the victims of crimes they have not even committed.

It is important to point out that different states define emotional abuse in a different light because the abuse depends on where the location is. There have been studies that show that emotional abuse cases depend on the location where the abuse has occurred. Since there is no clear standard for defining emotional abuse, it is possible for some abusers to escape criminal charges in some states or countries. The confusion about what is regarded as emotional abuse in a country or state is what is followed to implicate someone on such a charge. There are places where emotional abuse is viewed according to the resulting damage that occurs. The problem with this approach is that it fails to provide a preventive measure on how to avoid this kind of abuse from happening.

There is a revision that has been going on about the statistical manual of mental disorder. This manual is the one that is often used by medical practitioners in the mental health field to help in the identification and diagnosis of pathological tendencies in the society. The book does not face emotional abuse symptoms head on, but when you look at the symptoms that are caused by depression and anxiety, they are explicitly described.

Different Types of Emotional Abuse

There are different forms of emotional abuse that are applied to victims. As we said earlier, different countries and states define emotional abuse differently, but we are going to look at an array of abuses, from physical to non-physical types.

1. Undermining someone's opinion

This is characterized by the abuser withholding emotional support of the partner. This leads to a lower confidence from the partner. To see this explicitly, the following statements will be made from the abuser.

“Who asked you?”

“What is the big deal?”

“You would not understand.”

2. Countering arguments

The victim will be faced with an opposite state from the abuser in order for the abuser to be in control. The victim will not be allowed to have a different opinion from the opinion of the abuser. This destroys relationships since there is no balance and platform where discussions can be held. The abuser here denies the victim their reality, and this leads to a damaged relationship that will affect both parties negatively.

3. Withholding confidential information

The abuser in this type of emotional abuse blackmails the victim to stay in control. This is one of the worst forms of emotional abuse because at any given time, if the abuser decides to unleash the item being withheld to the public, it can cause shame and damage to the other party, greatly. A statement that is common to the abuser goes like this.

“I have something that is important and private to you, I am going to keep it from you, and you are going to do as I bid.”

4. Calling of abusive names

This is the most common form of abuse. It is simply straightforward, and it can happen at any given time.

5. Forgetting important information

Some people tend to forget the interactions that affect their children or loved ones. When this happens, the abusers tend to bring out a sense of denial and manipulation about the soft spots that the other individual has in order to win some arguments.

6. Accusations and pointing of blame

When the abuser gets angry over anything, he/she puts the reason of the anger build-up on the victim. It is such a dangerous habit since the victim can become very bitter, distant, and the environment or mood between the two individuals will always be cold.

7. Use of threats

Threats bring a child, a partner, and even an individual's fear on the surface. Statements like, "Do exactly as I say, or I will leave." "If you decide to walk out that door, I will make sure that you will never see your children again."

8. Sexual abuse

This involves forcing a young person to engage in sexual activities, without even the use of violence. This involves any kind of physical touch, penetration like oral sex, kissing, touching outside of the clothes, and sex. It goes even further to include non-physical activities like forcing children or young individuals to watch pornographic content.

9. Physical abuse

This may involve throwing, hitting, scalding, poisoning, drowning, or suffocating someone.

10. Neglecting

This is a failure to practice your physical, material, or psychological care towards your child or spouse. Neglect can start from pregnancy in women who have substance abuse.

This will cause a child who is born to lack adequate food, lack access to treatment and even protect the child from harm.

Chapter 2: Understanding the Signs and Patterns of Emotional Abuse

Verbal abuse

Verbal abuse is a hurtful and attacking form of abuse that causes serious damage to the victim. When it is done over time to a child or a partner, the victim may begin to feel like there is a problem that is rooted in him/her. The victim may believe that the situation can only change when he/she changes, rather than the abuser.

There are two ways in which verbal abuse is experienced. There is what we call overtness. This is when the abuser decides to burst out in anger and starts to call you names that are hurtful. Over abuse is consequently a brain game that is meant to confuse you, as the victim. We also have covertness. This involves an abuser who starts making comments that are subtle in nature, and over time brainwashes you on the perception of some things you used to believe in. This form of abuse is what is defined as hidden aggression, and it is even more confusing to you as the partner. The abuser's charm and brainwashing techniques manipulate you without your knowledge, and it is one of the ways that the abuser assumes complete control with your will.

The impact that it has on a victim is quite detrimental. If you are in a relationship, your self-esteem deteriorates gradually, and without your realization, you are giving so little into your relationship. As a child who is experiencing this form of abuse from a parent, then the child tends to ignore the parent who he/she lives with. The tendency of coexisting with the parent is like the way a cat and a mouse relate. The worst part about verbal abuse is that the victim can try to change the behavior he/she is being scolded about every time, to please the abuser.

Verbal abuse is very unpredictable. You might be thinking all is well at home or the office, only to meet an angry partner, boss, or parent who unleashes jabs of hurtful statements, sarcastic words, and hurting comments that throw you off balance, leaving you stunned. It is very depressing, when you try to please someone, thinking you have done your level best, only to meet such kind of comments.

Verbal abuse is very "expensive" in any form of relationship, and I mean expensive, because, when the damage occurs to the point of no return, the abuser tends to realize what he/she has done. Now, the victim who is tired and can't take the abuse anymore decides to leave and never to return. The abuse normally has already destroyed a relationship that was possibly meant to be a lifetime engagement.

When a couple is in an argument, it is possible to resolve the issue easily without any fight. But if there is a verbal exchange of words, closure becomes elusive in such scenario.

The dangerous side about verbal abuse is the fact that it is a double message. An abuser can be calm when delivering very hurtful words. For instance, an abuser may be very open and sincere about his/her honest sentiments, while telling you, the partner, what seems to be wrong with you.

When verbal abuse is going on, it often increases in intensity and variety. The verbal message can start as a joke, only to escalate into a fight with pushes and exchanges of fists or flying objects between the individuals.

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Demanding and selfish expectation

It is such an addictive feeling to be entitled to something. It is wildly true that when we have desires, we tend to store them up until the time they become perverse. This brings the sense of the right to own, a sense of being the most important person, and feeling the sense of accomplishment no matter the damage that is caused along the way. It normally begins with some perfectly normal scenarios.

'I want the day to end with all my tasks done.'

'I want to sit down this evening, watch my favorite Saturday program with no interruptions, and have an hour to myself.'

Then it escalates to abnormal requests that are out of this world. For instance:

Your child wakes up in the middle of the night saying: “I can't sleep, I want to go watch television, and I can't do it alone.” If it is your spouse, he/she may wake you up at night and say “We need to talk now because I don’t have time to talk in the morning.” When these situations occur over and over again, you begin to feel as if the person is entitled to having their needs met at that particular time. Because, the truth of the matter is, you also have a choice, to decide whether or not you want to engage in the matter at that particular point in time.

You see, you can choose to act on the fact that you are tired, and you will engage in the matter at a later point in time, or decide to put your desires of sleep aside and take care of your child's or spouse's feelings. I guess we all get tempted to demand something from others at some point in time. The point we need to see is that some people never see that the choice is in their hands. They are only after their desires. They believe that they deserve what they want, and they are oblivious of the effect their demands have on other people.

The rubber meets the road when the other party disagrees with their demands. In families, this situation gets out of hand, and you will often see the other people in the family being punished for standing in the way of the demands one feels entitled. In the example we described above, a mother can pose a list of flaws to the kid to avoid the confrontation at midnight; or the mother might be annoyed with the father who never took care of the kids' demand earlier on. When this pattern becomes a norm over time, it affects the dynamics of the family, and it can become toxic because of the sense of entitlement rising.

There are very many ways in which this act of entitlement can express itself. Take a look at how the response we are going to look at punishes the person or people involved.

● Jane can feel bitter that Samantha went out to dinner with another friend, and in response to this, Jane decides to create a silent treatment scenario to Samantha. When Samantha calls, Jane ignores all her calls for a couple of days.

● A husband may get home three hours late from his usual time. He might have forgotten to notify his wife; then he might be upset that the family members ate and went to sleep. He takes his dinner and sulks, and when his wife comes over to confront him, he refuses the gestures, and it goes downhill from there.

● A mother might get home from work on Wednesday evening and burst out of anger when she sees the driveway is messy, and there is loud music coming from the house. In that rage, she grounds her children for the entire weekend and demands the weekend to be a cleaning weekend.

● A couple might be facing a challenge of poor plumbing in the house. When the wife starts asking about the affordability of the technician they are looking to hire, it becomes an argument. The husband slams the door behind him, wondering how his wife could question him like that in front of the technician. The feeling of being humiliated upsets him, and he goes away, only to come back home hours late in the night.

● A father might be struggling to fix his son’s toy, after some time of unyielding efforts, he shouts and starts calling the son names, shuts the door and blames the child for breaking the toy.

It does not matter what the punishment is, the goal that is normally achieved at the end of the day is hurt towards the other person. You can see how blame defects the other person. Admissions of someone being on the wrong is not present, and the best way to respond is by having the other person's failure rationalized to require punishment. This brings down the element of a mutual relationship, and hurt is easily created over and over again if this pattern is maintained.

It is important to uncover entitlement, for the sake of the person who feels entitled to the world to have the desires fulfilled and also for the victims who are in direct relations with that person. It is not an easy feat as we have indicated, because, not both parties will see it as it is.

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Unreasonable jealousy

We have all felt a sense of jealousy at some point in our lives. It is an instinct that resides in each one of us but in varying capacities. A little jealousy is common and an expectation in any relationship, but there is something known as unreasonable jealousy. Unreasonable jealousy takes a toll on the relationship because it creates drama and unnecessary problems. Jealousy need not interfere with the quality of your relationship, as long as jealous feelings are resolved through thoughtful communication and sensitivity. However, extreme jealousy can be very damaging. Jealousy can be a driving force behind an abuser's controlling behavior and should be considered a red flag, particularly if it frequently occurs during the onset of relationships. But does the mere presence of jealousy signal a potentially abusive relationship?

“Experiencing occasional feelings of jealousy is normal, and sometimes even appropriate, within a relationship,” says Dani Bostick, a counselor and member of the American Counseling Association. “For instance, if one partner does something like act flirty with someone else, it’s appropriate to feel jealous.” Jealousy, when in response to a real threat to the relationship is normal, as long as it’s dealt with by expressing one’s feelings and talking about establishing healthy boundaries that both partners can agree upon. Jealousy becomes problematic when it’s triggered by delusions of perceived threats, or in other words if one person becomes jealous even when no threat is present. It’s also problematic when normal feelings of jealousy fuel unrealistic expectations of one partner.

“Jealousy becomes a problem when the person feeling jealous becomes possessive or controlling or imposes double standards on his or her partner,” Bostick says. “For example, the jealous person might say the partner can’t hang out with members of the opposite sex on their own. If both partners agree to that, that may be healthy. But if it’s one partner telling the other not to do that but he or she still can, that’s a red flag.”

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Dominating and controlling words and behaviors

It is possible for emotional abuse to sneak up on any relationship. When this happens, controlling behaviors come with no boundaries. We all identify with a controlling partner who berates someone openly. Physical aggressiveness, making ultimatums and creating threats are very common to controlling partners. Having said this, let’s look at other signs that you should consider, because they show up in interesting ways.

Emotional abuse manifests in different ways. There is no way a healthy situation is comprised of emotional or physical abuse. If you take note of the behaviors or words that are described below, take them as serious acts that need attention. If you try to work on them and you experience any kind of abuse, visit your nearest police station or log onto http://www.loveisrespect.org/for-yourself/contact-us/ or at

https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/ for help.

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1. Continuous criticism

It is common for one to think that a partner’s criticism is warranted. Most of us think that our partners are trying to help us become better. At times, our partner's rationalize that they don’t like the way we dress or the way we speak, covering it up with the statement that we should not take it personally. It does not matter how small a criticism is, it makes it hard for one to feel loved, appreciated or accepted. If your partner starts stating that, “You don’t know how to speak well in front of people,” or, “I think you should not wear trousers, your body does not look good in trousers.” Such comments can never make you feel unique, accepted or even an equal partner in the relationship. Each time you experience criticism for improvement from a loved one is not a good sign.

2.Friends and family isolation

It starts mildly, but it is often a step in controlling. It may start by a complaint on how often you talk with your sister, or it starts by a complaint on how much time you spend with your friends. At times, it often spirals to turning against anyone who you rely on support, except them. The intention with such kinds of partners is stripping you away from your network of family and friends.

3. Belittling the beliefs that you hold so dear

Your partner can challenge your perspective on politics, faith or your traditions that you cherish. That is okay because it makes your discussions interesting, but it takes a different turn if your partner starts belittling your ways, or making you look stupid. It is hard for a partner who is controlling to let you hold onto your beliefs. It is a bad habit when your partner wants you to behave or believe in the same things as they do.

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse used by the abuser to instill in their victims an extreme sense of anxiety and confusion to the point where they no longer trust their memory, perception or judgment. The techniques used in "Gaslighting” by the abuser are similar to those used in brainwashing, interrogation, and torture that have been used in psychological warfare by intelligence operative, law enforcement, and other forces for decades.

Gaslighting involves the abuser to frequently and systematically withhold factual information from the victim and replacing it with false information. Because of its subtle, this cunning Machiavellian behavior is a deeply insidious set of manipulations that is difficult for anybody to work out, and with time, it finally undermines the mental stability of the victim. That's why it is such a dangerous form of abuse. The emotional damage of Gaslighting is huge to the victim. When they are exposed to it for long enough, they begin to lose their sense. Unable to trust their own judgments, they start to question the reality of everything in their life. They begin to find themselves second-guessing themselves, and this makes them very insecure around their decision making, even around the smallest of choices. The victim becomes depressed and withdrawn; they become totally dependent on the abuser for their sense of reality. In effect, the gaslighting turns the victim’s reality on its head.

It is possible to experience gaslighting in family, love or at the work place. To heal from this devastating form of trauma, psychotherapy is the best solution. Seeking help from a therapist who is experienced in supporting survivors who have been abused by narcissistic individuals, can help in restoring confidence in the victims. Trauma that is mastered by narrating a story helps in the synthesis of facts that are confused, which are as a result of gaslighting. In the presence of a psychotherapist who is non-judgemental, the person who is abused can learn or relearn how to trust their historical, personal perception. This strengthens the individual to let go of the trauma and any anxiety that is associated with it. This finally enables moving forward through depression and anxiety, adding to mourning the loss of a relationship that is abusive.

Chapter 3: Why does Emotional Abuse Happen?

All human beings of all ages crave a sense of belonging, that is, a feeling of attachment that can only be explained by our primal need to be together with someone. Unfortunately, this craving of belonging can at times smother the spark fueled by nature and be the cause of severe psychological trauma. Such is the case of emotional abuse.

From an early age, when a boy is taunted by his older sister to do something that he cannot do, the boy feels betrayed. Betrayal leads to hurt, in return, a recompense of sorts. Quite often, this avenging of emotion is taken out on another person, say the little boy’s friend, or in an even worse scenario, the older sister.

Whether a boy, a church minister, a politician or a mother of seven is at a certain age, abuse always starts from somewhere. Psychological studies have proven in the past years how small events in a person's life can lead to cancerous results, somewhere along the line. This is similar to the well-known butterfly effect, which is described in one version, where a butterfly's flight in Asia can lead to a typhoon across the other side of the world.

In parents and couples, it all starts with resentment towards each other. Perhaps caused by long bouts of tasteless passion, or simply staying out late and putting work first in place of family's promise. At times, it might include simple tasks that have not been done, rolling the eyes at each other, or ignoring the remarks made by the other individual. Most parents today do not divorce each other with the foolish reason of keeping the children safe. This leaves a traumatic psychological effect on the children.

Workplace madness is a term that has been coined in our current society. Workmates can squabble over promotions, and when the bosses get to hear of the demands, bosses give severe tongue-lashes to their employees after a minor mishap. Sometimes when sexual harassment is not taken seriously when reported through the right channels, it scars the employees. Companies and legacies have fallen because of this form of emotional abuse.

With children, it gets worse. They have the gentle souls of innocence that adults tend to lose in the course of their lives. With big blue eyes, soft hands, and those cute little noses, they tend to fool, nay and brainwash any of us into doing anything to keep them pleased. However, with a child, one has to be extra careful with what they say. If you can recall the 1996 film Matilda, adapted from Roald Dahl's fantastic book of wonders, under the same title; the main character, Matilda, received emotional abuse from her parents, her brother, as well as her headmistress, The Bull. If it were a real life scenario, Matilda would have been so broken, and she would have needed more than 6 rounds of therapy.

Most parents never keep their promises to their children. In a developing nation, when you look at the classical economic theory, parents have a truly hard time keeping promises to their kids. Tough times, a tough economy, and a tough life make it increasingly difficult to keep going on. Recent studies, however, show that children from wealthy and well off families tend to emotionally abuse their caregivers by making them slaves and by making them take care of their everyday needs. Children who come from poor backgrounds find their own ways in life from their young age. For instance, they can make their own toys and even start their own games. Unfortunately, they grow too fast for their ages. A child who is emotionally abused in this lifestyle tends to become too independent, becomes a loner, and even socially exclusive to their peers.

Life between siblings is never easy, and this much I can say from experience. Most parents will never admit it, but they always have a favorite child. Now, this can be quite distressing information to the unfavored one. Sibling rivalry rises in these cases, and it never ends well on any front. From a young age, hate turns to spite, and then to loathing. Issues such as who gets to walk mommy to the gate or who gets the better gift at Christmas, breeds a certain taste for a war of words. As a sibling, something to be noted would be how those words resonate in one's mind, despite the several years that pass.

Chapter 4: The Effects of Emotional Abuse and how to heal them

Have you ever noticed the blank random stare one gets from a person who had a traumatic experience? No? For those who have, you can agree with me wholeheartedly how unnerving it can be. You feel afraid, you feel pity, and then empathetic for them, wondering what could have happened to make the spark disappear from their eyes.

Effects on Confidence

The most frequent effects that affect people who have undergone emotional abuse psychologically is their self-esteem, and their self-confidence takes a hit. This is according to an article written in "Journal of Emotional Abuse" in May 2005.

Effects on Trust

Trust is totally out of the question for most people who have been in an emotionally abusive relationship. In most cases, this is referred to as paranoia which is unfortunately found in women more than men. The likelihood of the abused losing trust in the abuser is high after emotional abuse gets into the picture. This can affect other relationships that can be made by the abused and they often feel like it is easy for other people to break their trust. Therefore, they do not feel safe.

Effects on Denial

In the "Journal of Emotional Abuse," the effects of abuse can stick to the children; those are the repercussions of what they went through when they were children, and also adults who have been in an emotional abuse do deny that they have been in abusive relationships. Self-esteem and other psychological factors are affected when you undergo abuse. To most people, if there is no physical evidence, that is not abuse. To those who did the research, women often decide to stay in abusive relationships that are emotional because of it. The denial runs deep when they get to look at the situation they are in and the effect it has on their lives.

Stress and Physical Effects

The fellows we so love back at the University of Michigan concluded after a series of tests that the effects that abused victims have not only been psychological, stress arises with migraines, neck and back pain that are too painful to have. This effect can make someone hallucinate and at severe cases, inflict harm.

Enough banter on the bad vibes. If we were to focus on the negative scenarios all the time, how would we have invented ice cream? Thoughts to ponder.

Healing is an important factor in life, more so from scars, either physically or emotionally. Let’s look at different cases and ages.

In Children and Parent Relationships

The first order of business is to provide a safe place for the child. A safe space means a slice of heaven. Children need someone to talk to, someone who makes them feel safe, loved, and wanted. If a child feels afraid of the parent and cannot approach them to hear out their troubles, emotional distress is inevitable. In such a case, a helpline that is toll-free is available in most countries. A great example is Child Helpline International which helps in such cases by providing international toll lines. The moment a child feels safe, they are ready to go into therapy and counseling. A superb method to help children is play acting, where a child is given a toy to act out their experiences.

In Marriage

There is a widespread universal agreement that men are the abusers in a high number of marriages. For a marriage to withstand this storm, a therapeutic separation is recommended. This is the case where the husband and the wife get separated in a controlled environment, for the purpose of the abuser's redemption. The abuser gets to see where the mistakes were made and thereafter, seek help. At the same time, the victim sets the long term and short term goals of the marriage while enacting boundaries. However, both parties have to meet each other halfway for this to work, and in most cases, despite a lot of effort and work put into it, divorce is an amicable solution.

In Couples

To put it bluntly, most relationships in the 21st century are based on social media and dating app logistics. The spark that was once ignited over a coffee, a random leaf flying into one’s face, and stumbling into the other is seldom there. Patience and tolerance lack in today’s relationships. However, in an abusive relationship between a couple, counseling is not advised. The best approach to take is to sit both parties down and let them see the cracks and faults in their relationships. This is because the abuser has all the power in the relationship and counseling results in relaying blame on the victim and attempts to win over the therapist to their side.

It is wise to note that in all instances, time does the healing. Time is the key to the understanding of all emotions.

Chapter 5: How to Find Your Power and Build Your Boundaries

They (a term that refers wholeheartedly to the guys who brought us the revelations of theoretical psychology, and its in-depth education to our midst) say that you are born weak and will die weak. What you are in between is up to you.

The moment you find yourself in an abusive relationship, and you heal from it, it’s time to suit up and hit the emotional gym set. Moments like those are quite rare, moments of self-reflection and realization after contemplation with light decaffeination (too good not to help myself). And this is the guideline you should choose to accept it.

The order of business first relates to always remember it was not your fault. Once this has been achieved, moving on becomes easier. I speak to all the fans of Rick and Morty, and I am quite right to say that Jerry is in an abusive relationship. Beth always suggests how and what Jerry should do or think, and this in effect, has made Jerry a dependent man on his wife and kids and is nonetheless the worst role model a son could ask for.

Second is to know when to walk away, which we shall look into in-depth in Chapter 12. It allows you to leave the relationship from a place of power, and not fear.

It is essential, as a third step, to let your partner know that you will be open to hearing his/her suggestions, but you will not tolerate conversations that attack you as a person.

The fourth step is to always know and consider your partner’s needs and concerns. Do not, under any circumstances, take yourself to another level of obedience and subservience to make them feel good about themselves while you know it is not right for you.

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Fifth, always know and assess your goals, needs, and values. You are the priority, and you should always be (unless you have children someday of course), and their needs will have to come second to yours. If they do not accede to your "no," then it would be mature and wise of you to part ways amicably.

Lastly, find ways to reconnect with your soul, your true self. The most powerful version of who you are can only be found once you actually hit the rock bottom. An abusive relationship is one way to find yourself there. Take a trip to a country you've never been to before. Take a lesson in something new like ballroom dancing, acting, yoga, diving, or surfing lessons. One way or another, to find yourself, you must lose yourself into something else.

Building boundaries does not necessarily mean to seal yourself off from the world and love for eternity. In its diverse and acute meaning, it refers to the culturing of oneself to wear the heart anywhere else other than one's sleeves. Teaching oneself to foresee emotional abuse in future relationships within or around you, goes a long way in dealing with most of the life's troubles.

In every football game, the coach gives one heck of a pep talk to his team. Words of wisdom always play a role in the winning or losing of the game. Here is an example of a pep talk that I can offer you:

‘Never let your guard down, but always play fair in the game.’

Chapter 6: How to Handle Emotional Abuse in the Workplace

A workplace is a mysterious place. Love, hate, mistrust, mortal enemies, best friends, families, competition, and a host of other devious but human capacities are found in the workplace.

Quite unfortunately, many issues of unreported or unresolved cases of physical and emotional abuse combined with sexual harassment from the workplace grow rampant.

There is a term given to the guys who know what to do and say to you, to make you feel at home and abandon that natural gut-feeling of mistrust. Covert aggressors are what Doctor George Simon calls them. These kinds of people operate like mentalists, magicians, and politicians. These are the guys who will give you the sweetest cover stories of their lives and make you drop your guard when you are around them. Often such men will make it impossible for you to find any fault in them. It can get to the point when investigating those co-workers and superiors cannot trace a seed of universally disapproved assault on the victims, and in particular, women.

In this case, it is well known that women are the most targeted group. This is because they tend to be more socially conscientious of their surrounding than males.

According to Dr. Simon, if I am the aggressor who has manipulative tactics, I have to think like the winner of the game. Therefore, I will use all tactics necessary to avoid detection and suspicion and still get what I want.

When it comes a time when the woman recognizes the devious traits and actions being used against her, the covert aggressor uses a level of playing cards higher than her own, in such a way that even the strongest of women is not void of such thing happening to her.

Have faith in that inner gut and maintain your composure when confronted by an aggressor.

To Dr. Simon, women tend to ignore their gut feelings about such cases of people that are not their own family and are prone to be higher level targets. Therefore, they tolerate and persevere through situations that are not in their favor.

Dr. Simon's main advice is that you should always be on standby when you are in a new environment. The gut feeling is an evolutionary instinct that keeps the human race alive, particularly in women who are the caregivers of the human race.

The difficulty in keeping calm when dealing with someone who wants to win is hard. However, the rewards are bountiful. It takes practice to be clear headed, yet the best way to approach such situations is to have no ill-intent.

Funneling Your Anger into Duty towards Self-Preservation

What women have been institutionalized to realize is that anger is a negative emotion. Dr. Simon states otherwise; to him, anger can be a mobilizing emotion when channeled correctly. The zest offers an inaccurate action into a useful and beneficial one.

To avoid "storing" up all the anger that you have gathered from past experiences, it is better to channel it into other useful things. For instance, you can take martial art classes, kickboxing, or any interests you may have. Also, it can be used to try and not get overpowered by your manipulator.

You, as a woman, are allowed to feel anger; Dr. Simon states “Anger is supposed to propel us into action; embrace it and use it.” Our abuser's actions cannot be changed, but you can control your behavior when at work. Curtail your behavior and put in place boundaries and a way out in case the abuser does not lay off and take into consideration your boundaries.

Finding the Stamina to Redefine the Terms of Engagement.

Women often do look for approval from others instead of accepting themselves as they are. It makes them easy targets for aggressors as their need for approval makes it easy to manipulate them. The energy they would use to set boundaries and carve out changes would fade away.

Dr. Simon prompts women to “Get in the habit of self-reinforcement, so that, in every step they take (towards setting boundaries), they recognize and give themselves validation.”

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Regardless of the changes or actions you take to get out of an abusive relationship; you need to pat yourself on the back. It takes courage and a lot of strength to step out into the unknown, but you did. Be proud!

On the other hand, venting to another person not involved in the relationship is relieving.

“You need to realize that YOU are your greatest resource to get yourself out of this situation,” says Dr. Simon.

Example

Cynthia worked for Mercy as an educator; creating materials for secondary and elementary students. Mercy was abusive to Cynthia with mean and harsh feedback personally and professionally a third of the day. At times, it was within her right to say that, but most of the time, she was just plain too mean. This resulted in a psychological war which affected other employees. Mercy was insulting and raging when she was under deadlines.

In regards to the above story; here are few tips on how to handle such situations:

● Write down the events after they happen, for how long the abuse occurs, and you stick around. Look at the patterns that keep repeating themselves.

● Tell your story through appropriate channels and gather support from your HR department. Give evidence, make copies of your entries, and never give the originals.

● It is a possibility for you to bring attorneys or the police, even though organizations do not like it.

● Take another job, if it is too much.

Chapter 7: How to Stop Being the Victim of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse is a diverse concoction of chemical romance that can happen in any relationship, be it in a marriage, workplace, or in a family. Emotional abuse scars and leaves the victim with the feeling of an empty shell of dependency and worthlessness. It is difficult to know what emotional abuse is like. The scars might not be visible, but the effects are long term and catastrophic. What follows is a diversified step by step plan of action, to stop being a victim of emotional abuse:

● Evaluate the situation: Having a partner who is emotionally abusive makes it ten times difficult to deal with them. Being courageous and strong-willed will need to be in your arsenal to stand up to them. Including your colleagues when at work and your superiors.

● Practice assertiveness in various situations in your life. The strength you require to step up and step out will show up. For instance, if you can tell your boss about your bonus that you haven’t received, though it might drain the energy out of you; be forthright with the abusers in your life.

● Controlling your emotions: Being calm and collected when responding to an abuser will have a more positive result. Try it! When they try to be abusive, put some spunk in your spine, have a confident voice, take a stance, and tell them, "Don't put me down. I want you to treat me with respect." You’d be surprised on how they would react.

● Try and gain control of your relationship: As difficult as it is after years or months of abuse; try not to accept any more abuse. Focus on what you can do from your side to change the way you react to the abuser. Let him/her know that when he/she puts you down, you won’t tolerate it anymore. Remember, be calm and collected when you respond. You can also add that you will share preparing meals responsibility. If it does not change, follow through with it.

● Leave: When your health, mentally, physically and emotionally is at risk, you need to take yourself out of the toxic environment. If things escalate before you leave, get law enforcers involved. It is often impossible for abusers to change on their own. Seek professional assistance or leave or you can do both.

Example 1

Jane was in an emotionally abusive relationship with her husband, Peter. They met at work, after a few days of flirting, Jane agreed to go out with Peter. He would make random comments like "Why are you being so clingy?" "Are you one of those girls?" it got to the point where he would explode when Jane requested him to do something simple like emptying the dishwasher; he would burst out "You're such a bitch!" Things almost got physical once, but he did not hit Jane. Instead, he manipulated Jane to the point of making her self-conscious about her looks and the way she dressed.

If you are Jane in this example, you should do the following:

● Know your rights- understand that you are to be treated with respect and your opinions matter.

● Reach out for support or help from friends or relatives. Inform them of what is going on and that you are willing to leave the relationship.

● Put your safety and those of your children first. It is not worth staying in a relationship that will mentally scar you and your children; get out the first chance that you get.

Example 2

Caroline was emotionally abused by her mother ever since she hit puberty. Out of thin air, her mom would insult her without any reason. It would start with a compliment then becomes an insult. Her mother was envious of Caroline, but she cannot comprehend why. The verbal attacks were mainly on her body. Her mom saying, she is ugly, disgusting, and then insane. This went on until her mid-twenties when Caroline's mother screamed at her in public calling her a whore for dressing in tight pants and a plunging neckline.

This is an example of what some children go through in the hands of those who are supposed to care and love them unconditionally. If you are going through the same thing, here are ways that can help you get away from it:

● Cut off contact with them: They may try to apologize to you or sweet talk you into letting them back in but do not get persuaded. It might start again once you let them in, but promise yourself not to let that happen. Delete contact, remove ties from social media and if possible, change your number.

● Take care of yourself: Remind yourself that it is not your fault and no one deserves to be abused. Go for a walk, write in your journal, or do activities that will make you have fun and away from that environment.

● Get professional help: Do not hesitate on seeking assistance from a mental health professional to help you get through your situation and to cope with feelings of depression or anger that might be a result of the abuse.

Chapter 8: How to Deal with the Invisible Pain of Emotional Abuse

Emotional abuse takes a toll on you and your only thought is, "How can I stop hurting?" The only thing you can come up with at such times is getting drunk, to numb the empty feeling inside. This includes hard and heavy drugs, which are sometimes prescribed to people who need to manage their physical pain. However, there are several reasons that people come up with, in order to use drugs to manage their emotional pain.

Interestingly enough, painkillers can actually worsen the pain. Using drugs as an escape route is not the right way to go. It will create a dependence on the drug. The repercussion of using drugs is the phenomenon known as the rebound effect. Addictive drugs often are those that numb pain. It is due to building up of the dependency by your body making you to always get back to the drugs to make you feel relieved. The only way to liberate yourself is to learn to understand how to deal with all the pain, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you. The likelihood of your feelings getting better instead of worse are low when you depend on drugs.

Shame is something most women feel when they realize that something they have done is wrong. To try and not feel like so, they either get drunk to subdue the emotion. There is a probability of you increasing the feeling of shame.

Trying to reconcile with your emotions and know what went wrong and where helps you develop more compassion for yourself. You will end up going easy on yourself, instead of beating yourself up.

When you are not drug dependent; you tend to make sound judgment, and you know not to repeat the same mistake twice.

Being under the influence of a drug or alcohol will numb the pain for a while. Once the effect wears off, you are back to your previous pain, possibly worse than it was before. People can go for years cycling through the vicious cycle of pain, shame, disappointment, and more pain, before realizing that the effect of the drugs will always wear off, and you will be left with the same feelings underneath. Some people never get to this realization. The only way for you to conquer your pain is when you face it, and work your way through it.

Therefore, to avoid being an addict when you are struggling with pain, face down your emotions that are heavily rested on you. There are many strategies that you can use for doing this on your own, but if you need more support or guidance with this process, you may find that counseling helps. You can also join a mindfulness class, sometimes available at community colleges or through meditation and yoga groups. Seek professional assistance to help you learn to deal with your emotions.

Chapter 9: Techniques to Help You Recover from Emotional Abuse

1. Understand that you are not the problem

It is imperative to realize that if you are the victim of an emotionally abusive relationship, it is the abuser that has a world of issues and not you. When you realize this, understanding your situation will be easier.

2. Refuse to live in denial

Never accept to live in denial, avoid making excuses for people who are emotionally abusive to you. Accept and understand you were a victim of an abusive relationship and your mental health might be compromised. Acceptance will empower you to create strategies to aid you in moving forward with your life and handling the situation.

3. Reconfigure your actions or decisions

When you discover that the relationship you have with a colleague or your boss is abusive, the best way to handle it is to simply break off, step away from your relationship, and not have any sense of guilt on your conscience. If it’s a closer relationship, like the one you have a close relative or friend, consider the best way to get out of it to avoid causing irreparable damage to both of you.

4. Set boundaries

Personal space is crucial in this case. In case you decide to stick with the abuser for a long time or forever; set boundaries that will cause a domino effect when crossed. Enforcing boundaries leaves the relationship in a safe zone.

5. Always confront them at all times

Your weaknesses will be preyed on by emotional abusers. Walk up to your so called bully and accost them consistently. Clarify it with them that you will not tolerate such behavior from them anymore.

6. Be clear as crystal with what you want

Condescending and conniving arguments are emotional abusers armor, and they will use them to drag you down. At times, it is difficult to tackle a certain situation; but you can address it in a plain manner that puts your point across. Look out when they try to coerce you into feeling guilty.

7. Let go

If you have tried all the steps we have indicated above, and the person persists to be abusive, you will have to conclude letting them go. It will be hard to let go of the one person whom you loved or still love; it won't be a spontaneous decision. You need to think it through thoroughly and make a conscious decision that will make you be at a better place than staying in an abusive relationship.

8. Seek professional (medical) help and assistance

In the case an abusive relationship has affected you immensely, it is imperative of you to go and seek professional assistance. You will need to find the way of dealing with your issues as not everyone is the same despite having similar abuse. A therapist will look into your personal circumstance and decide which therapeutic procedures are for you. A psycho-therapeutic mentor is recommended to help you move forward.

9. Explore new healthy relationships

Support is significant when you come out of an emotionally abusive relationship. Friends, family, as well as the surrounding society or community, can help you transition and recover very well, one step at a time.

10. Let go and move on

Learn from the past and let it all go. The past is in the history and dwelling on it does not bring any kind of joy. Look forward to the future and make your life worth living in the after-shade of life.

When you let go, always remember to FORGIVE. It is the best thing you can give to yourself, it is hard, but it is necessary if you want to move on completely.

I will share with you the best definition of forgiveness that I have ever come across:

“Forgiveness is letting go of the hope, that the past could be any different.”

That is a powerful statement.

Chapter 10: Building Your Self-esteem and Confidence

Escaping an abusive partner is the beginning. After that important stage, you will find yourself in a safe place, where you can make your life the way you want to. Even though you want all these positive juices flowing, they are likely not to occur immediately. You will experience uneasiness and loss of what you do not have; it might lead to questioning yourself “Am I strong enough to do this? Do I deserve good things to happen to me?” for your abuser made sure to drill deep into you that you do not deserve such.

Commit yourself to ensuring that you know what it is that you deserve to build yourself up. Building up confidence in yourself is important, and it takes time to work on it.

In case children were exposed to the same situation you were in, know that it is easy for them to imitate what you say or do afterward. Be a person your children will want to be when they grow up. Seeing the change that you are going through by rebuilding yourself one brick at a time, they will know that they too will rise up from any situation that they will face.

Rebuilding Self-Esteem

● Be patient with yourself: Do not be in a rush to seek answers about oneself. You wouldn’t treat someone who has gone through such an experience this way. It wouldn’t be good if you said to them “Get over it already.” Slow and steady is the way to go when trying to put yourself together after being in an abusive relationship.

● Be with supportive people: Venture into the unknown and get to meet people who have an aura of positive about them. Make it your target to at least try and talk to a new person every week.

● Exercises: Regular exercise according to research indicates that it reduces your anxiety levels. If you attend yoga or Zumba classes on a daily basis, or you try out a race, like one for 5km; a change in your mood will be noticeable immediately.

● Give to society: Aiding others and being there for them, can bring a sense of purpose to you when it seems like you don’t have any. Bringing joy to someone else and seeing the smile on their face can be the difference that you need to know you can move forward.

Chapter 11: The Process of Change for the Abusers

As impossible as it is to fathom, comprehend, or even understand, people change. Uniquely it is for the better in most random cases; it becomes like an act of God. However, the question that you should always ask yourself is, "Can it happen to those who have hurt and broken us?" We always wish them well, even if we don't want to admit it, but the lingering dark cloud in our minds, bears the mark of the hope that they will one day get redemption.

Fortunately for their souls, there is a process to the change. It is slow but sure;

● Total admission to what they have done

● A halt to excuses and complaints

● Accepting to make changes to their lives and those of others around them.

● Taking on responsibility and understanding that abuse is a choice

● Identifying patterns of controlling behavior they use

● Identifying the attitudes that fuel their abuse

● Accepting that overcoming abusiveness is a very long process (decades) — not declaring themselves "cured."

● Not demanding credit for improvements they’ve made

● Not treating improvements as vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse

● Developing respectful, kind, supportive behaviors

● Carrying their weight and sharing power

● Changing how they respond to their partner’s (or former partner’s) anger and grievances

● Changing how they react and act in heated conflicts.

● Accepting the consequences of their actions (including not feeling sorry for themselves about the repercussions or putting the blame on the children or the abusive partner)

Example

Thomas and Margaret were married for 10 years, and Thomas was abusive to Margaret in all ways; emotionally, physically, and mentally. He would belittle her, control the times she went out and how she dressed to the friends she could have. He slapped, pushed, and punched her until she broke her rib. At this point, Margaret realized that she cannot go on. Thomas realized that breaking his wife's rib made him an abusive husband, and this was not how he was raised or wanted to be. He went to see a counselor and finally a group of abusive men. The group opened him up to all the ways he has been abusive to Margaret and made him desire to change for the better. 14 years later and they are in a healthy relationship.

Follow the steps above to help you if you are like Thomas.

Chapter 12: Know When to Say Goodbye

More often than not, relationships don’t work and cannot be saved. For your sake, and for the sake of your mental health, endeavor hard to recognize as early as possible whether or not the relationship is worth working on. Keep in mind that it’s highly unlikely that your abuser will change.

Respect is key in every relationship. Being clingy does not solve anything whatsoever. Learn to let go if things are turning in the wrong direction.

Never let abuse be an excuse for your partner’s way of showing affection.

The good news is that if we have the courage to leave these narcissistic relationships and look honestly at what they've cost us, we can begin to see an end to the terrible fear that's been haunting us our entire lives –the fear of being unloved and alone. We can see that now we are old enough to "become our own parents," to take care of ourselves in a way we couldn't when we were little. We can see how full of love the world is –how many loving friends and supportive colleagues and potential life partners might enter our lives to replace that single "soul mate" on whom we've depended so heavily.

We can become our own parents, caring for ourselves, so that our romantic partnerships and work relationships and friendships are based on love and desire, not on need and desperation. And we can be sure that, if we are being treated badly, we will have the courage to say no and leave if we have to, which multiplies exponentially chances of being treated well.

The following is a series of questions aimed at you, dear reader, to realize whether you are in an emotionally abusive relationship or not. Tread with care;

● There might be a problem in your relationship when you constantly have events or activities, and your partner is not involved. You will need to plan your life activities that do not engage your partner. Limiting the involvement of your partner in your activities often is the first step to separation. It will be your first time in a long time being single and testing the grounds while still living with your partner. Figure out if this works out for you, and take responsibility once you decide after trying out this exercise.

● Despite everything, is there an activity that you and your partner enjoy or always want look forward to? It has to be something you do together, and both of you enjoy which in turn brings you together. If there is a connection between you two, there is the possibility of your relationship surviving. Mental bonds are created when you share activities. Though some behaviors tear down most healthy relationships, such as physical and emotional abuse. Intimacy on its own will not save your relationship.

● Are you always trying to get away from your partner’s attempts to try and reach you? Communication is an issue that needs to be addressed if you are both too busy to even bother sitting down and talking to each other. Make it your own responsibility to talk to your partner and acknowledge that there is an issue in your relationship. If you totally do not feel like putting in the effort, there is a greater underlying problem.

● Do you still feel the same affection towards your partner like when you first began? The first time we experienced any sort of affection towards our partner, it was genuine. Unfortunately, over time, one discovers qualities and behaviors in the other partner that you may not like. The flaws that you notice can be a turn-off later on, and this will result in you disrespecting your partner.

● Do you make sure to avoid your partner’s physical contact? Loving and caring for your partner will make you feel the need of touch. In case you lose interest in holding hands or any form of physical touch with your partner, it’s a sign of a big problem.

● Do you avoid sexual contact like it is the plague? The many factors contributing to this can be caused by age factors, ailments, and even distrust between partners. The love relationship might be in poor condition resulting from emotional hurt by your partner. If so, your answers to the previous questions have been on the positive side. If this is your only problem, get to work on it and give it all your attention.

● Is your partner not forthcoming when you ask if there are any problems in the relationship? This is a real problem and can result in the relationship ending. The resentment that has piled from not being understood or heard for years will cause the diminishing of your partner's self-esteem when this goes on for a while, and their interest in you decreases as well.

● Are there any habits that your partner does and you think of leaving the relationship? Emotional abuse and drug or alcohol addiction are habits that take a toll on someone, and they get fed up eventually. Infidelity can be a deal breaker for most. You stay, and you are a victim of your own actions; let go.

● Does your partner not want to change according to the previous question? Leave. Pack up all your belongings and leave; for our own mental health and sanity.

● Does your partner disrespect you? Belittling your ideas, dress code, or cooking. The wounds formed by this run deep, and after a while one tends to have behaviors that protect them from others.

Respect and maintaining a strong bond is core in any kind of relationship. If for any reason, you found yourself answering yes to many of these questions, then I strongly suggest to reconsider whether you can stay or leave.

As a parting shot, in the words of a wise man in glasses and a long white sheet draped across his shoulders, and a nice beard across his egg face, Mahatma Gandhi once spoke these words,

‘Nobody can hurt me without my permission.’

Abusive relationships cause a lot of damage to someone's life, both physically and emotionally. This leaves a victim oblivious of when to walk away from an abusive partner. In children, emotional abuse creates a stigma that makes children carry the effects through their lives, which can eventually shape who they become if the appropriate help is not provided to them early enough. It is estimated that in America, one in three teens will face either verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual abuse. The teens end up with no solutions after the incidences. This has become a trend in schools with the rise in bullying.

Another major case is domestic violence which results in so many deaths and injuries on an annual basis, having women as the most victims. Although women are the most likely to get abused, men are also abused.

Emotional abuse is a silent killer that needs to be addressed and attended to in the best and most efficient ways possible. Awareness on how to deal with it should be made present to the public more often.

It is evident that emotional abuse is damaging to children, teenagers, and even adults. Therefore, any person, not only professionals, need to open up their minds on how they deal with children who have experienced emotional abuse. It is important to note that a multidimensional approach needs to be used when coming up with treatments for emotional abuse, this is because each case is based on different scenarios and circumstances. Several services are available to children, teenagers, and adults who are victims of emotional abuse. Some of the sources that can be found online, where one can get help can be found in the links below.

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1. https://www.aplaceofhope.com/our-programs/abusive-relationships/

2. http://www.timberlineknolls.com/

3.http://www.recovery.org/topics/choosing-the-best-inpatient-spouse-abuse-and-addiction-recovery-center/

4.https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse/emotional-abuse-treatment-and-therapy/

5.https://www.healthyplace.com/abuse/emotional-psychological-abuse/emotional-abuse-help-support-and-recovery/

6.https://www.goodtherapy.org/learn-about-therapy/issues/emotional-abuse

Conclusion

Thank you so much for reading the book that ought to help you understand what the victims of emotional abuse go through, the steps you can take to leave the relationship and how you are lured into the abuse without your knowledge.

I hope it was useful to you and you got to understand the ways to spot emotional abuse and the factors that contribute to it. Also, it might have helped you know if you are an abuser or a victim.

Just because you have finished reading this book doesn't mean that it stops here. You are required to expand your horizons if you want to learn about emotional abuse. When done, stop reading and think of instances in which you have been in an emotional manipulation that you did not know about; might be your previous relationship or your current relationship or at workplace.

It is my sincere hope that the book has shed some light on what emotional abuse is like and it is not different from any other form of abuse, just because the scars are not on the outside.

If you are one of the people, who picked this book in search of answers. Throughout your relationships be it at work, at school, or at home. You have been wondering what is going on that it always seems like your fault, it never goes right even though you genuinely are a nice person. The situations you have been into have not been easy to comprehend or understand "Why me?" I hope this book has provided you with the answers you have been looking for.

Before you go, I’d like to say “thank you” for purchasing my book.

I know you could have picked from dozens of books on Emotional Abuse, but you took a chance with my guide. So, big thanks for downloading this book and reading all the way to the end.

Now, I’d like to ask for a *small* favor. Could you please take a minute or two and leave a review for this book? This feedback will help me continue to write the kind of books that will help you get results.

And if you love it, then please let me know 

If you would like to be contacted the next time, I have a release; please click on the link:

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