by A. R. Gurney
ETHAN, forties, once a paragon of suburban stability, has now become its hostage.
Scene
A suburban living room.
Time
Night.
ETHAN
It’s late at night. I’m reading Anna Karenina. My wife Rachel is up in Seal Harbor with the kids while I’ve stayed down here to work. Our living room is comfortable, the book is interesting, and the neighborhood is quiet, what with so many people away.
[He reads, then puts down his book.]
Oh hell, I might as well admit it. Rachel’s left me. She’s left me twice before, but this is it. Hey, that’s OK! You can cure yourself of a romantic, carnal, and disastrous marriage. But like any addict in the throes of a cure, you have to be careful of every step that you take.
[The telephone rings.]
Like not answering the telephone.
[Indicating the phone.]
Because that’s Rachel. Maybe she’s repented or wants to tell me it’s rained for five days, or one of the children has a passing fever—something . . .
[Shouting at phone.]
But I will not be tempted to resume a relationship that has been so miserable!
[The phone stops, he resumes reading. Cricket sounds. Then a dog barks.]
That’s the Barstow’s dog. He barks endlessly.
[The barking stops.]
That’s funny. Why did he stop?
[He listens.]
Then I hear very close outside, a footstep and a cough. I feel my flesh get hard—you know that feeling—and know I am being watched from the picture window.
[He jumps up.]
I flip on the outside carriage light and look out. But now the lawn is empty.
[Returns to his chair.]
The next night, I leave the outside light on, settle in with my book, and hear the dog bark once again. And there he is again! Now in the window above the piano . . .
[He yells.]
Hey, you! Get the hell out of here!
[He grabs the phone, dials 0.]
Rachel is gone! There’s nothing to see! . . . Oh excuse me, operator. Give me the police . . . Police? Ah, is that you, Stanley? Stanley, I want to report a prowler! . . . What?
[To audience.]
He seems to think I am trying to undermine real estate values.
[To phone.]
Yes . . . All right. Good night, Stanley.
[To audience.]
He said he was underpaid and overworked, and that if I wanted a guard around my house, I should vote to enlarge the police force.