I almost turned around and walked away, but chose to stay for reasons I didn’t fully understand. Jessica’s approach invoked all manner of feelings and I didn’t know how to deal with them. I wanted to forgive her but couldn’t. Still, I was able to suppress my sense of betrayal as I looked at Jessica, keeping our time at Miskatonic University in mind. She clearly still loved Jackie, despite the fact my daughter was becoming a monster. She’d also fought with me against the Hound of Tindalos, not hesitating for a second to risk her life for me, just as I’d done for her. It had been like old times, and I missed those days.
Other memories invaded as I gazed at her dust-covered, smudged face. The two of us watching The Seven Samurai in the dilapidated New Arkham Majestic movie theater. Gamma Squad’s nightly poker game when we were lucky enough to have leave back on base. I remembered being named godfather to her children and she’d vowed to protect mine should I fall before her. I also remembered touching her and the attempt on my life. No, it was not going to be easy to cast that aside.
Jessica coughed into her fist. “I thought we could talk.”
“You thought wrong,” I said through clenched teeth. I temporarily forgot Jackie asking me to forgive her.
“Why not?” Jessica said, crossing her arms.
“Why do you think?” I snapped.
“Yeah, I did,” Jessica stopped in front of me, reading my thoughts. “Because you wanted to die.”
I opened my mouth to respond before closing it, her words sinking in. That was the matter’s heart, wasn’t it? I had spent the past year growing more intense in my self-loathing. I’d made it clear I wanted to die before becoming a monster but had those words been hollow? Had they just been a defense against the darkness inside me? A lie to make myself believe I was stronger than I was? Probably. It wouldn’t be the first self-deception I’d engaged in to survive this world I’d been born into.
“John?”
“Give me a moment,” I said, forcing myself to remember what Jackie had said. I needed to be stronger than my rage and be the bigger man. I needed to recognize the real source of why I hated her so much. That I had believed, for a second, she hadn’t cared about what I was becoming.
It quieted some of the storm inside me and allowed me to speak truth I hadn’t even been able to admit to myself. “I don’t want to die, not really. I’m sorry if I gave you that impression. I want to live. I just don’t want to become a monster. There’s a difference.”
“Would it help if I apologized?” Jessica surprised me by asking.
I blinked. “What?”
“Cause I do.” Jessica said. “I’m sorry.”
I stared at her as she broke away, aimed her gun at the bottles and shot five in a row. She was a better shot than me. I had to admit a bit of jealousy and wondered how she’d managed to move so far ahead of me.
In the end, I decided I needed allies more than I needed enemies. “Apology accepted.”
Jessica gave me a sideways glance. “Really? That’s all it took?”
“No,” I said, honestly. “But I’m at a point where I need to stop lashing out at everyone who cares about me.”
“I see,” Jessica said. “How long do you have left?”
“It depends on whether the Yithians cheat us or not,” I said, simply. “But if they do? Not long.”
Jessica was silent. “Have you considered that you may actually remain…you?”
I paused. “No.”
“I sought out people who might be able to—” Jessica started to say.
“Don’t,” I said, simply. “What will be, will be. It’s funny. I could have been killed any number of times in the Wasteland over the years, but it’s the slow transformation within that was driving me insane. I just want to put it out of my mind now until my crucible is complete.”
“I understand,” Jessica said, taking a deep breath. “I’d like to be there for you.”
“To look over me in my dying day?” I asked, shooting a bottle despite my hand shaking. “Or to kill me after I transform?”
“Whichever you want.”
“I’d like you to be there with us.” It wasn’t entirely true, but if I was going to lie to myself then I was going to lie to myself until I believed it.
Jessica smiled and it was beatific. “Good, because I was about to offer to fuck you and Mercury both to get you to forgive me.”
“Is that still on the table?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. I was joking, mostly. I’d gotten used to regular sex before Mercury had withdrawn and was starting to eye Bobbie. It wouldn’t be the first time I’d been with a hybrid woman.
Jessica snorted. “No, John.”
“Fair enough.” I paused, frowning.
“Are you and Mercury… alright?” Jessica asked. “I know she loves you but how are things in the—”
“Not since my arm became a giant alien spider’s. It’s been rather hard on the love life.”
Jessica blinked. “So, you haven’t since—”
“Not since she chose to not have our child.” I corrected her before switching the subject. “I’ve heard some disturbing things about what you’ve been up to.”
“You mean the fact that I kill people and steal their stuff?” Jessica took aim again. Her next shot, like the others, was perfect. “That I turned bandit after years of protecting people from them?”
We’d killed hundreds of bandits over the years as part of the Rangers. As reduced as humanity’s population was, it was always slightly more than the amount of food and goods which could be produced. That left hungry and desperate people willing to take whatever they needed from others. There were also less sympathetic individuals who just preferred a life of murder to picking at the dirt. To know Jessica had become one of them was almost as much of a shock as the fact she’d tried to kill me.
“Among other things.” I took a deep breath. “You were always the best of us. I thought, when you came out of your coma, we would have had a life together. You, me, Jackie, Mercury, and the others we cared about.”
“I did, too,” Jessica said, shrugging. “But it didn’t work out that way, did it?”
That was putting it mildly. “Maybe I owe you an apology too.”
“Don’t,” Jessica said, placing her hand on my shoulder. “I made my choice and live with it every day. I thought it would be harder to become a bandit, but it was easy. Once I found people I cared about in the Boston Ruins, it became a simple matter of arithmetic. I’d do whatever I could to protect them. Sometimes that means shooting people and taking their stuff.”
I’d have condemned her, but murder was a daily part of life in the Wasteland. People did what they had to and lived with the consequences. “What about the killing of people with nonhuman blood?”
“Ironic,” Jessica said, pausing in her shot and lowering her gun. “We used to do that as a matter of course when were R&E Rangers. The only person we ever spared was Richard, and that was because he was an asset. If we’d found girls like Jackie before Doctor Ward, we would have killed her too.”
“There’s an awful lot of blood on our hands,” I said, staring at my gun. I aimed, fired, and missed again. This was getting embarrassing. My aim was all off. I could see far more space and distance between the atoms in the air than a human could, but my revulsion to my powers rendered any advantage useless.
“You heard wrong about that part, though, John,” Jessica answered. “I’ve not been killing all the hybrids, inhumans, and so on. Hell, I have a deal going with the city of Tarr’ghar’rrah.”
“Gesundheit,” I joked, imagining the space between my gun shots to be far shorter. That was when I shot five bottles in a row. Yet another sign I just had to embrace my inhuman heritage to achieve my goals. I could almost hear Nyarlathotep chuckling at the fact that I was willing to give into my dark side just to make sure I shot accurately.
Damn him.
There is no damnation, John, Nyarlathotep whispered. Just different kinds of heaven for different kinds of beings.
I ignored him as I swiftly caught up with Jessica and Thom’s score.
“Nice shooting,” Jessica said, nodding. “And I didn’t name the city.”
“Is that where the Elder Thing called the Keeper is?” I asked, remembering the last Elder Things I’d encountered had tried to enslave me after killing Richard.
It was strange, but of all the supernatural and otherworldly creatures out in the Wasteland, I hated the Elder Things the most. This, despite the fact they were widely considered to be one of the closest to human of the alien races we’d dealt with. Much like the Yith or Mi-Go, it was possible to communicate with them and they had understandable goals like survival or the propagation of their race.
Yet, it was that similarity to humanity which made me loathe them as they were a race of slavers as well as arrogant bastards who considered anything different than themselves beneath them. I wasn’t looking forward to dealing with them again. It was why I disliked the Yith. They were too much like the Elder Things. Too much like the worst of humanity.
“I know you hate them, John, but they’re our best bet,” Jessica said. “They might even have a cure.”
“We do not have the luxury of hatred.” I took a deep breath and shot the last of the bottles, scattering its pieces. “If we can’t find Whateley at Insmaw, we’ll go to Tarr’ghar’rrah.”
“OK. Glad we could get this settled.”
Settled. That was a good word for it. I no longer felt quite the same weight hanging over my head. I would deal with my condition by simply living with it and accept whatever hand fate dealt me. It was liberating in some ways but also frustrating because I could have accepted my situation far earlier.
I also was in a situation where Jessica, Mercury, or myself could be killed at any point. If I’d been a smarter man, I would have turned down the Great One’s offer and stayed with those I loved. I was a gambler, though, and chose to risk all of our lives in the hope of getting more time with both. It was a foolish decision and one I wanted to regret.
But couldn’t.
I paused. “So, Jessica, how is your life in the Boston Ashlands?”
“Do you mean whether I’m happy as the local bandit queen or whether I’ve found someone else to share my bedroll?”
“My, what a dirty mind you have.” I had been thinking it but that was beside the point.
Jessica paused. “No. I’m never going to love anyone the same way as I loved my husband.”
“Ah.”
“Not that I don’t screw the occasional man’s brains out.”
I smirked. “Well, if you want to rejoin us, you’re welcome.”
“Maybe you should join us instead,” Jessica said.
I was tempted, which horrified me. The life of a bandit was something which should have repulsed me but morality seemed less important than being with my friend. “I’ll think about it. We still have to save the world, you know.”
“Assuming it’s actually in danger,” Jessica said. “I don’t think this rock can look worse.”
“You never know. Thank you for this talk.”
“You’re welcome, John.” Jessica gave me a kiss on the cheek before departing. I stood there for some time longer before returning to camp in order to prepare for supper and bed. I was glad to have reconciled with her. Little did I know it would not soothe my dreams. They would prove to be the worst of my all-too-brief existence on this world.