I was quiet in the car and Tish glanced over at me several times, not saying anything. I was too exhausted to even worry about what she might be thinking.
“You know, when I first met Sebastian, he was a jerk to me.”
I smiled at her and nodded. “Jordan told me he was really worried about you getting into a relationship with him.”
“Really? When did he tell you that?”
I think I felt the blood leave my face right before it all rushed back in, making my cheeks burn and my forehead throb.
“You two have been in contact all this time, haven’t you?” She didn’t seem upset by the idea. It was just a statement of awareness.
I almost lied, but then I figured it no longer mattered anymore. I’d made such a mess of things already and I’d be gone soon, anyway. Marek had reminded me that he would be keeping tabs on the folks on Maple Avenue and me. “It’s either you or Killian, Savah. Either you come to me, or I come for him. That’s the deal.”
“Yes. I’ve kept in contact with him.”
“Crazy,” she muttered, pretty much to herself. “So many things make sense now.” We pulled into the parking lot at the local Wal-Mart where I could get decent diapers at the best price. “You know, I think that’s why he moved back home after he graduated instead of taking one of the job offers he had in L.A. I could never figure it out, but it totally stands to reason. Was he always trying to get you to come home?”
I nodded. “Yeah, but he didn’t really know what he was asking of me.” Pushing my door open, I slid out into the warm sun. I still wore Dad’s cardigan; I couldn’t seem to get warm.
Tish climbed out on her side and came around the back of the car to walk beside me. “I take it he didn’t know about Killer?”
“No one knew about Killian.”
“Why not? Is he the reason you left? Is he Jordan’s?”
“What?” I was taken aback by her question and stopped in my tracks. “No! No, no, no. Jordan would never—we never—he was very respectful—” I stuttered to a halt and crossed my arms tightly around my middle. “No, Killian isn’t Jordan’s. I—I would have stayed if he was.” I took a few more steps and stopped again, a new thought leaving me aghast. “Is that what everyone thinks?”
Tish kept pace with my starting and stopping. “Not that I’m aware. I just wanted to make sure.” She shoved her hands in the back pockets of her skinny jeans as she walked. “Savannah, I love my brother very much. I love all my brothers very much, but Jordan especially, probably because we’re the closest in age and have spent the most time together. We share a lot of the same friends, even.” She paused for a few moments, and then said, “He changed when you disappeared.” She shook her head, her straight black hair shimmering in the sunlight with her movement. “I thought something had happened at school. I didn’t pick his brain—he seemed so busted up—but I figured he’d talk about it when he was ready.”
What had I done to all these people I’d left behind? Once again, I was faced with the reality that I’d protected no one—not my parents, not the man I loved, not the neighborhood or the church, and certainly not myself and Killian. Everywhere I turned, I saw evidence of suffering caused by me. “He couldn’t talk about it. I made him promise not to. I made a deal with him that I’d stay connected with him as long as he didn’t give me away.”
I took a few more steps before I realized that Tish had stopped behind me. I turned to look at her, my brow furrowed.
“You know what?” The look on her face was passive, settled, but her words cut with the sharpened edge of truth. “You are one of the most selfish people I’ve ever met.” She held my gaze as I recovered my breath, and then started walking again. “My brother is in love with you. Foolish man that he is, he’s in so deep that he can’t see the forest for the trees with you. I can’t believe I didn’t catch on all this time, but there it is.” She passed me and turned to call over her shoulder. “You coming? We’ve got diapers to buy for that darling kid of yours.”
She waited until I caught up with her before she started talking again.
“Here’s the deal, Savannah Clark. I’m not interested in stringing you up by the thumbs or anything, but I have a few things I need to get off my chest. So we can talk in the car when we finish shopping, or we can talk when we get home, or we can talk while you’re shopping if you’d prefer. Up to you. But since I have you as my captive audience, you’re pretty much stuck listening to what I have to say.”
I nodded—I was becoming acutely aware of how often I did that now that Jordan pointed it out—and pushed through the glass doors into the chilly interior of the store. “Diapers first,” I said. “We can talk in the car.”
I had a good idea of what she was going to ‘get off her chest’ if her contribution to the conversation the other night was any indication, but I wasn’t sure how I was going to respond to her accusations. I was still trying to figure out what I would say to Jordan tonight—not only had I not talked to my parents about Marek, I hadn’t called him this afternoon, either. The ice had done wonders to my forehead, and I’d found a clip in my bag so I could fasten my hair in place to cover the bruising. Tomorrow, it might be more obvious, but it was high enough on my head I didn’t think it would cause a black eye. I might be able to hide it for the rest of the time I was here.
We shopped quickly, mainly because I could only afford the diapers and Tish was just perusing the dollar bins while she waited for me. Within minutes, we were heading back out to her car. Oddly enough, I was doing okay. I still didn’t know what I was going to say, but it had dawned on me that it just didn’t matter. I’d be gone from their lives in a few days, and Killian would have a normal life. Without me. That thought sucker-punched me, and I stumbled a little, but I righted myself before Tish noticed.
In the car again, she waited until we were out of the busy parking lot before she spoke. “First things first. Are you here to stay?”
I didn’t even hesitate. “No.”
She hesitated, clearly not expecting that answer, or at least my ready and certain response. “Okay. Does Jordan know you plan to leave again?”
“Not yet.”
“Are you going back to Marek?”
“Yes.” I held the huge box of diapers on my lap. One corner of the cardboard box kept jabbing me in the hipbone. I’d gotten the bulk size that would last about two weeks, even though it took almost every penny I had.
“And you think we’re going to stand by and let you take Killian back to that monster?” Her voice rose in pitch, but she kept a tight lid on it.
“No. I’m leaving him here with my parents.”
“Do they know that? Your mom won’t even be able to take care of herself for weeks, maybe months, you know.”
“That’s really none of your business.” And in the end, it wasn’t. I’d have to work the details out with my dad, the poor man, but I’d seen the way he looked at Killian, how much he loved him already. And I knew there were many, many people in his church who would step up to help them out after I was gone. Mom didn’t need me. Dad didn’t need me. And I had to accept the fact that because he now had my parents in his life, Killian didn’t need me nearly as much as I needed him.
“I see.” She pulled up to a four-way stop and turned to me. “Then stay away from my brother.”
“That’s the plan.”
“Good. Glad we got that straight.”