Early on we experience women as the ones who fill us up, who comfort and take care of us, without an opportunity in growing up . . . to feel truly separate from women.
—Samuel Osherson, Finding Our Father
WHEN ED ENTERED therapy, he was forlorn with an air about him that said, “Don’t try to help me. I can do it myself.” Serious in expression and rigid in manner, he answered questions more like a good soldier than someone seeking help. He wasn’t sure why he was in a therapist’s office, except he had felt depressed for too long and couldn’t get rid of this feeling. After many sessions,
Ed finally became more comfortable and began to loosen up.
Mom’s Little Man
In an almost proud and boastful manner, Ed described his childhood.
I was seven when my dad left the house. I really never knew why, and I don’t have a lot of memories before that age. I only knew I was the eldest in a family of eight, and it just seemed like I was the new dad. In fact, I can still remember my mother’s words the day after my dad left: “Your father won’t be coming back, and you’re going to have to help me with the kids.” It was a moment of both delight to be Mom’s helper and confusion as to what happened to my dad. When I tried to clear up my confusion by asking my mother what happened to Dad, I was usually met with short, angry comments about what a “no good” man my father was. To this day, I still don’t understand why he left. What I do know is that the sadness I felt about my dad leaving was quickly replaced by anger, nurtured continually by my mother. I decided early on I was going to show him I could be a better father than he ever was. Although I didn’t know it at the time, I was also working on being a better husband than he was—a role my mother always seemed to welcome.
I took on my role dutifully and became more like a drill sergeant than a brother to my brothers and sisters. I made sure they did their homework, cleaned their rooms, and listened to Mom. When they wouldn’t listen to me, I’d yell and scream and sometimes hit them. Once, I spanked my younger sister for not washing the dishes. They all hated me, but at the time it didn’t seem to matter. Because Mom always supported my disciplining the kids, I felt powerful and deserving. I also began doing odd jobs in the neighborhood and got a paper route so I could help Mom support the family. I was serious and dependable, so I readily got jobs that were meant for someone older. By the time I was eleven, I was handing out allowances to each of my brothers and sisters. In school, I always felt distracted by my responsibilities at home and never had time to play or join extracurricular activities. By the time I was twelve, I was a grown man who had never known the meaning of play and fun.
It is clear Ed had lost his childhood long ago and had become the “man of the house” in a family desperate for structure and direction. His teen years continued the pattern.
More and more, my mother and I stayed up late, talking. I loved our talks. She would tell me about her day and how glad she was I was home waiting for her. Sometimes she cried about how lonely she was and leaned against me on the couch until she fell asleep. I would cover her up and kiss her good night before going to bed myself. There were moments when I wished I could have lain with her. Although those feelings alarmed me, I felt too ashamed to say anything to anyone. Besides, there was no one in my life I could talk to, except my mother.
One Christmas I decided I was going to make my mother feel special so she wouldn’t have to feel so lonely. I went out and bought her expensive perfume, a special nightgown, and a fancy necklace. She loved the gifts and seemed to love me more. She held me close while we watched everyone else open their presents. That night she kissed me good night and told me I was her “little man.” It felt great being treated so special. It gave me a feeling of power.
It wasn’t until I started dating and bringing home girlfriends that I began to feel anger toward my mother. At first it seemed nice to be able to come home and talk to Mom about my dates, but then she began to get jealous. In fact, when I became serious about Susan, my mother forbade me to see her and accused her of being a slut. I stormed out of the house and made my way to Susan’s house. By the time I got there, my rage was covered over by a sense of guilt that permeated every cell of my body. To my surprise, I broke off my relationship with Susan and went home like a puppy with its tail between its legs. I was still angry, and I felt trapped.
Finally, when I was twenty-four, I left home to marry Karen. Karen was a nice girl. My mother didn’t seem too threatened by her and reluctantly approved of her. It seemed like a juggling act to attempt to get my needs met and not feel guilty at the same time. Shortly after I married, I became engrossed in my work. I was powerful, competent, and successful on the outside, but I felt impotent and angry on the inside. My marriage lacked vitality and passion. I felt as trapped in my marriage as I did in my relationship with my mother, who always made her presence known in my life. At work, I began to find myself more and more angry at female subordinates, eventually being seen as a chauvinist. At other times, I found myself acting seductively with these women and contemplating affairs.
When I failed to get a promotion because of my attitude problems at work, my world seemed to fall apart. I became more and more depressed. Inside I was screaming, “Help, this is not who I am!” Yet I had no idea who I was. Guilty, confused, and angry, I finally sought help.
Ed’s story is like that of many men who spent their childhoods being “the man of the house.” Men like Ed are emotionally unavailable for intimacy. They often hide their pain and suffering behind an arrogant, boastful facade. Men like Ed are lacking an emotionally fulfilled and sensitive identity because of their mothers’ repeated violations of their personal boundaries and the abandonment caused by the absence of their fathers.
Due to their shame and confusion, “Mom’s little men” bury their rage and hurt through denial. Feelings suppressed in childhood often find their way out through one’s personality and defensive behavior patterns in adulthood. These painful and angry feelings from childhood make it difficult to be comfortable with closeness and intimacy as an adult.
The effect of Ed’s covert incest can also be seen in his choice of romantic partners. His wife, Karen, had her own difficulties with intimacy. Hiding behind the image of “niceness,” Karen was terrified of emotional closeness. Being nice was the only way Karen knew to express her love. Attempts at passion, joy, or healthy conflict were generally suppressed. Ed’s marriage to Karen was more his mother’s choice than his own. By choosing Karen, who had her own struggles with intimacy, the marriage was unfulfilling for Ed. It was not a threat to his mother, who remained his primary partner. Karen became the “other woman.” Ed’s depression resulted from both the long-term grief over a lost childhood and the inability to be engaged emotionally in an adult romantic relationship.
If Ed is to recover his potential for emotional fulfillment and intimacy, he has to face the pain and anger of being his mother’s partner. To deal only with the surface issue of attitude problems will not produce any lasting change.
For Ed and Karen’s marriage to become fulfilling, Karen will be required to change, too. It was no accident that Karen chose Ed to marry. Karen’s own childhood of abuse or neglect would have compelled her to marry someone like Ed. She likely feels compelled to remain on the sidelines of Ed’s relationship with his mother to avoid conflict. She will have to learn to assert herself and request changes in the marriage. Once Ed begins to separate from his mother, he will experience the marriage differently as well. He may begin to encounter Karen’s own difficulties with being close as he attempts to be fully intimate in the marriage for the first time.
Mama’s Boy
Tom entered therapy reluctantly and only because he had become sexually compulsive with prostitutes. He had a history of obsessive masturbation and use of pornography to get high sexually. Recently, however, those methods didn’t seem to be working. He vowed he would never visit prostitutes, but found he couldn’t stop himself; having sex with prostitutes was taboo and produced the high he was after. He was confused and scared.
When asked to describe his childhood relationship with his mother, Tom offered:
Yeah, I was Mama’s boy all right. We were best friends, I suppose. I know I was sure special to her. She took me everywhere with her: shopping, lunch with her friends, and sometimes even to bed with her to sleep when my dad went out of town on business. It seemed she always treated me as her “little baby,” even as I grew up. She protected me from my brothers when they tried to start a fight with me. My mom would keep me home from school, even when I wasn’t sick. She said she needed some company, and I could make up my schoolwork later. I never did. I was either at home with my mom, out sick, or distracted from my schoolwork because I was worried about Mom. School was a struggle, and I was called names like “sissy” and “baby.” My brothers called me names, too, and hated that I was so special to my mom.
Tom continued to describe growing up in his family.
I was the youngest of four children, which seemed to contribute to being “Mama’s boy.” In looking back, I guess my mother and father never had a very good relationship. My dad was an alcoholic and my mother was very religious. They always bickered. They seldom slept together, and when they did, I was often between them. I was the one who got the good-morning kiss when we got up, not my dad. Although it seemed a little funny, I liked being treated so special.
My mom pampered me all my life. Anything I wanted, I got. I became oblivious to my brothers and sister and, basically, the world at large. All that seemed to matter was being with my mother. I felt as if my dad hated me. It seemed to me he was actually jealous. Even today, my father mumbles under his breath that it was my fault they got divorced.
I still remember the scene when my mom kicked my dad out. She held me in front of her with her arm around me as she told him she was tired of his drinking and wanted him out. My father yelled back at her that he wouldn’t drink so much if she paid half as much attention to him as she did to that “damn kid,” pointing at me. He slammed the door. I remember feeling terrified and confused as to why my dad was so angry at me. The next morning he came back, packed his things, and left. It was confusing to me that I didn’t even miss him. I didn’t know him. My mother had kept me close to her for so long that I didn’t know what it was like to have a father.
I didn’t date too much in high school, mostly because I felt guilty leaving my mom. I did, however, begin a secret life of masturbating to pictures of women in magazines, and eventually to pornography. I didn’t know exactly what was going on, but it relieved me. I started feeling resentful that she wanted me so close. The masturbation seemed to help me deal with my feelings.
I’m not sure what propelled me, but I decided I had to leave the house. So at the age of twenty-five, I left. It was so difficult—my mother was enraged and I felt terrible guilt. I had to get out. Besides, I had secretly started seeing women. I didn’t want to tell my mom, because I didn’t think she would understand. I also was masturbating more, to the point where I couldn’t live without it.
I discovered if I played the aimless, cute, little-boy role I learned from my mom, women would “come on” to me. They wanted to take care of me like my mom did. It was an easy way to get sex. I became obsessed with sex and never was able to have a serious or intimate relationship. My mother and I continued to talk often, even though I didn’t live with her anymore. She thought it would be a good idea if we spent more time together, so I began to spend some of my weekends with her. I think it was at this point that the compulsive masturbation wasn’t enough. Frequently, after a weekend with my mother, I sought sex with prostitutes.
God, I really began to feel confused. Even though I didn’t want to admit it, my special relationship with my mom was a source of pain and personal invasion. I began to feel angry with her, but I didn’t want to let go of the special attention I was getting. It seemed like I couldn’t live without my mother.
Tom’s story is one of a sexual addict—someone whose life is unmanageable due to the compulsive pursuit of sexual highs. (There will be a more thorough discussion of sexual addiction in Chapter 5.) Tom’s story reflects the escalation in sexual pursuits that are characteristic of sexual addiction. Being sexual with prostitutes represented a violation of his personal value system. The covertly incestuous relationship with his mother was a major factor in his sexual compulsiveness. The fact that the escalation of his addiction began after he went back to spend the weekends with his mother suggests that his rage at being seduced had festered. Being obsessed with sex was the way Tom distracted himself from the pain of the covert incest.
Due to the perceived entrapment from his guilt, Tom found it difficult to accept his rage as legitimate. However, all feelings find their way out, in spite of one’s suppression of them. In Tom’s case, his sexual addiction was an expression of his rage and shame. His manipulation of women to have sex with them represented an attitude of exploitation of them. His treatment of women as objects to “get” and “use” was the relief valve the rage needed. As his mother’s seduction increased, so did Tom’s rage.
Also noteworthy in Tom’s story was the competition set up between him and his father. The seduction by his mother pitted Tom against his father. Tom’s father naturally felt jealous and competitive toward him. This competition is a frequent dynamic in covert incest, with the same-sex parent usually looking like the “bad guy.” Tom’s father felt pushed out, which may have been part of his mother’s unconscious motive. The legitimate anger Tom felt toward his father was due to his father’s unwillingness to step in and separate Tom from his mother. Tom’s father either perceived the covertly incestuous relationship as too powerful to break into or was relieved by it since it gave him an excuse to leave the relationship with his wife. Some fathers may consciously push their sons into the arms of the mother to escape the marriage, or perhaps act out in an affair. They abandon the son to the mother for their own self-serving needs. In this case, both parents failed to protect their son from the burden that ensued.
Even if the dynamics and feelings are completely understood, therapy is not enough for a sexual addict. Sexual addiction, like all addictions, does not readily respond to advice, logical arguments, insight, or awareness. A recovery process similar to the one used in the treatment of alcoholism is required to stop compulsive sexual behavior. Alcoholics Anonymous is the recovery program used by alcoholics, but there are separate twelve-step programs that exist for sexual addiction. The largest of these communities include Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous, and Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. (See appendix for contact information.)
The Prince
Handsome, charming, and seemingly able to “talk a good game,” Jeffrey began discussing why he wanted to be in therapy.
I was shocked when I discovered through the grapevine at work that because I wasn’t married, I didn’t get the promotion I was after. I didn’t fit the company image. I had worked toward this position for a long time and was counting on it. My qualifications were outstanding. What did my personal life have to do with the job? Initially, I was angry and thought about contacting my attorney. However, after finding myself sobbing at home that evening, I thought better of it. I couldn’t remember ever crying before, not even as a kid, except when I wanted my way. I knew something was wrong.
I never questioned my insatiable appetite for the company of women. I never seemed satisfied with dating just one woman. I always had to be involved with many simultaneously. For the most part, I was usually honest about dating around, so I never gave it a second thought. Besides, women seemed more than willing to compete. I loved the attention. It made me feel like a king. Dating became more like a sport than an attempt at developing a relationship. I generally didn’t spend more than one or two days in a row with any one woman, thinking I wanted to be careful not to get too tied down. Yet, if I wasn’t seeing someone on a given day, I was planning my next encounter. My life became consumed with the pursuit of women. I suspect the reason I didn’t get my promotion was more involved than just not being married. I wonder if the reputation I had as a lady’s man was what really interfered.
When any woman I was dating began to make demands of my time or wanted a commitment, I stopped seeing her. Shortly after I began looking for a replacement, I usually felt panicky and desperate until I filled the space left by her departure. During those rare times when I had a long-term girlfriend, I felt suffocated and never remained faithful. In my twenties it was, “I’m too young for a commitment.” In my thirties it was, “I have some time left.” Now, at the age of forty-seven I find myself saying, “I’m not the marrying type.” Privately, I’ve been waiting for the perfect woman. I realize for the first time just how lonely and fearful I really am. It seems I’ve spent the better part of my life running from something, though I can’t see what it is.
Jeffrey had a difficult time relating to a male therapist. Men like Jeffrey usually relate to other men by bragging about their escapades and discussing women the way they discuss the attainment of a sports trophy. Sharing intimately is frightening and avoided at any cost. With women, Jeffrey was likely to brag about himself, embellish stories, and talk “intimately” only as a means to seduce. Relationships with both men and women leave men like Jeffrey feeling alone and empty. Over time, Jeffrey developed enough trust to begin identifying what he was running from.
I never imagined my childhood had much to do with the struggles I was experiencing with women and intimacy. In my family, I was treated like a prince, especially by my mom. I had an older sister who was “my dad’s,” and I was “my mother’s,” creating what seemed like a division of loyalty. My mom was always on my side anytime there was conflict. She always indulged me. Anything I wanted, I got. She was at my beck and call. She showered me with gifts, fussed over me, and told me how handsome I was. She would tell me, “Someday, you will be a lady’s man.”
She was always preoccupied with my appearance and talked about my body. I remember once when I was a teenager she actually made a comment about how good I looked in tight jeans. I felt embarrassed and a little funny but never thought anything of it. Already as a teenager, I seemed to be attractive to girls. It felt great. At school, I got lots of attention from my girlfriends, and at home I got even more from my mom. I see now that even then I couldn’t get enough attention from girls.
My mother actually encouraged me to go out with girls, and she never put any restrictions on the time I had to be home. Once I stayed out all night. When I got home in the morning, my mom just gave me a big smile and a kiss, saying she “knew what I was doing.” I just smiled back until my father came into the room. He gave me a vicious look and wanted to know where the hell I had been all night. My mother immediately came to my defense and told him I was just being a boy. As she left for work she reminded me, as she frequently did, that I shouldn’t get too attached to any one girl so I could “shop around” for the perfect one.
Jeffrey’s relationship with his father was strained and distant. His father had given up on trying to win the affection of either his son or his wife. Jeffrey, and his mother’s special relationship to him, kept his father out. In time, his father just stayed away and left Jeffrey with his absence.
There was mostly distance between my father and me. He never seemed to have much time for me and spent a great deal of time away from the house. He worked a lot, and sometimes I wondered if he had another woman on the side. My dad never got drunk or physically abused me. He just wasn’t there. I never could figure out why my parents stayed together. They were both working professionals and, on the surface, seemed to have no time for each other. But it went deeper than that. Even when they were together, they didn’t talk to each other much. They really were unhappy together. I see now why my mother invested so much energy in me.
The relationship Jeffrey’s mother had with him was sexually energized. Jeffrey probably felt stimulated early in childhood by his mother’s intense passion toward him. Certainly his tale of his mother’s apparent pleasure in knowing he had spent the night with a girl strongly suggests she was vicariously enjoying a fantasy of her own. Confused and with no one to talk to, Jeffrey suppressed his feelings of shame and anger at being violated. Further, he would have had to deny that his mother’s treatment of him felt invasive and would have wanted to continue believing he was her “prince.” Over time, his feelings of shame and anger buried deeply within evolved into contempt and rage toward all women. Playing the “lady’s man” was a mask for his contempt and rage and a way to act out those feelings.
Psychologically, it is generally believed that a “lady’s man” or a “womanizer” is really trying to gain control or power over women. In extreme cases, hatred and abuse of women develop. However, at a deeper level, the “lady’s man” avoids the pain of being violated by his mother and acts out his rage about her specifically, as opposed to women in general. As time goes on, such a man has to date more, hate more, or abuse more to sustain the denial of feelings about the incest with his mother. In Jeffrey’s case, the desperation and panic he felt when he wasn’t seeing someone suggest his suppressed feelings were trying to find their way to the surface. Being denied the promotion at work was the catalyst that broke down Jeffrey’s defenses and left him with the pain of the trauma of being seduced by his mother and abandoned by his father.
Also at issue here, at least on the surface, is Jeffrey’s fear of intimacy. Certainly Jeffrey’s inability to make a commitment qualifies him as someone who fears intimacy. Yet just to work at finding ways to help him become more intimate is not the remedy. It is not so much the fear of intimacy that is operating here, but the fear of feelings that a commitment would bring to the surface. A committed relationship would reengage the feelings he has about his mother, and Jeffrey would project those onto the current woman in his life. Fear of engulfment and excessive feelings of guilt and obligation cause the covert incest survivor to remain distant or ambivalent about commitment. With therapy and recovery, a committed relationship can become a healing opportunity. All those feelings and issues, still unresolved, would surface so he could finally work them through. He might finally feel some contentment with love. It’s the psyche’s way of healing old emotional wounds.
Without the proper context of understanding and the means to alter one’s behavior, the pain of the original trauma continues and the old patterns keep repeating themselves. In Jeffrey’s case, he seduced and objectified women as his mother did to him in their covertly incestuous relationship. Given the intense passion and sexual preoccupation Jeffrey’s mother had toward him, it is possible that she, too, was an incest victim and acted out with Jeffrey what had been done to her. Incest victims may choose partners who have difficulty with sexual boundaries in an effort to work out the shame and anger. Jeffrey’s suspicions of his father having extramarital affairs were probably accurate. In turn, Jeffrey’s parents were reenacting scenes from their own childhoods. Jeffrey was the next victim in line for the spillover of inappropriate sexual energy transmitted over generations of victims.
One final note regarding Jeffrey’s case: He, like many men who have reputations as “womanizers,” was primarily interested in the sexual conquest of women. This type of pattern reflects sexual addiction. Jeffrey was able to face this and begin participating in a twelve-step program for sex addicts. As a result, he was finally able to face the feelings he had been running from for years. In time, he developed a sense of hope and contentment.
Mom’s Confidant and Advisor
When Peter came for therapy, he complained of feeling burned out and lethargic. He was a successful therapist who, in spite of his thorough understanding of himself, was unable to stop overcommitting and overextending himself. His life consisted primarily of helping, pleasing, and being there for others. He complained of having no sense of identity and no free time for himself. Peter felt unappreciated and taken advantage of. He reluctantly acknowledged that, for some time, he had resented his wife. He complained he was always there to listen to the multitude of problems she had, but he never felt he got equal time. Yet Peter claimed to be going out of his way to be there for his wife even more now than he had done previously. He felt crazy. He was shut down sexually and had lost all interest in being intimate with his wife.
Relieved to have someone listen, Peter talked rapidly and obsessively, trying to get his whole life story out in one therapy session. His initial focus was his wife.
I first met Susan ten years ago when she was trying to break up with her (then) boyfriend. She was very troubled and needed someone to talk to. I was more than happy to be there for her. I saw it as a way to get her to like me. I knew I could be good to her and could help her change.
Our initial dates basically consisted of me listening and Susan talking about how much her boyfriend had hurt her. I offered support and plenty of advice as to how she should handle the situation. She often showed up crying and confused at my apartment after seeing him. Even our beginnings at being affectionate involved me holding her while she cried about her boyfriend. The first time we made love was after she cried in my arms about him. Privately, I wondered who she was really making love to. It was months before she stopped seeing her boyfriend, and that was only because he insisted they no longer see each other.
Even after that, Susan seemed preoccupied with him. However, I didn’t spend much time considering my feelings about the situation, because I was so involved with being her “counselor.” Eventually, she seemed to forget him, and we got married. Our marriage continued to consist of me being preoccupied with how she was feeling and adjusting my schedule to meet her needs. I was driven in my efforts to be there for her, believing she would stop wanting me if I weren’t helping her in some way.
At first, she seemed to crave the attention as much as I obsessed about giving it. But over time we seemed to grow more distant. Susan no longer seemed to appreciate my efforts to be there for her, and I began to resent her. And my obsession to help only increased. I felt drained and empty. I resented that I wasn’t going to be able to count on Susan to be there for me. She also claimed to have lost respect for me because I was always trying to help her. Yet my efforts to manage her life and problems escalated.
I was having similar problems at work. I was unable to set limits on the amount of time I was available for clients and had a difficult time collecting fees. I began to resent the work I loved so much. My friendships were based primarily on me “being there for” or “helping” my friends. I resented that no one seemed to care about my problems. I was so desperate to be liked I never let on to anyone that I had personal problems or personal needs. I did what I knew best to secure friendships: I helped others out. Naturally, I chose as friends those people whose lives were troubled. I have become so resentful I could explode, except I feel too depressed to do so.
Peter’s story is not unlike those of other helping professionals: doctors, therapists, pastors, or nurses. On the outside is a mask of competence supported by a proficiency in helping others. Underneath the mask are feelings of neglect, resentment, bitterness, and fear. Needs are met through manipulation of others by always being there for them. These individuals gain their self-esteem through pleasing and helping others. But this sense of esteem is false. Feelings of worthlessness and shame generally prevail underneath the exterior of “being so together.” A compulsion and desperation to help others usually consumes the lives of individuals like Peter. They hope that soon they will feel worthy and have their own needs met. This never happens, and the desperation grows.
A closer look at Peter’s childhood reveals the origins of the emotional trap in which he finds himself ensnared. Peter was the younger of two children; he had an older sister. His parents were both successful professionals who always presented a good image to those outside the family. However, his parents had chronic problems in their marriage. His father worked a lot, and when he was home he was often moody. Peter’s mother was particularly dissatisfied and bitterly complained about her husband to Peter. Peter, the “sensitive one” in the family, was always willing to listen.
I always seemed to be in the middle of the two of them. My mother complained she wasn’t getting enough attention and affection from my father. I would tell my dad about it and encourage him to pay more attention to her. He seldom did, and I began to resent him. I then went to my mom to console her. She would go on and on about my father. I would offer advice and counsel my mother so she would feel better.
When I was as young as eight years old, I was telling my mother she didn’t have to worry about my dad because she had me and I loved her. I still remember the big smile when I told her “I love you.” She hugged me and held me close. It felt so good to be able to make my mom stop crying and put a smile on her face. I was more than willing to be there for her. I felt so important and powerful. I continued to tell my father about how upset Mom was, in hopes that he would change. But he never did, and I was the one who was there for my mother.
This pattern continued throughout my childhood and adolescence. After a while, it seemed that my mother actually preferred my company over my father’s. She basically stopped complaining to him directly about how unhappy she was. Instead, she talked to me about it. I remember she would call me into her room after work to talk while she changed clothes. Although she never actually took off all her clothes in front of me, she would take off her jewelry and shoes, and unzip before she asked me to leave. After dinner she would ask me to help her around the house. She would talk about her day at work and her problems with my dad. Sometimes it felt funny being so close to Mom, but it was such a feeling of importance that it didn’t seem to matter.
Even as an adult, I still feel caught between my mom and dad. I’m the messenger. When Mom is unhappy, she calls me to complain and then puts Dad on the phone. I can’t believe I still do this. It enrages me, but I feel guilty thinking about setting limits on my mother. After all, she is the one who cared about me so much when I was growing up.
Peter’s last statement reflects the essence of his adult struggles. He came to believe his mother’s relationship with him was a statement of her love for him. It may be true that Peter’s mother loved him, but her need to have him around her so much was to service her own needs, not his. Her behavior was not a statement of love for him but of need for him. As a result, Peter’s own needs for love, security, and support were never met. His relationship with his mother became a model or template of how he would seek out love in his adult life. He learned to compulsively abandon and sacrifice himself and dutifully caretake and absorb others’ responsibilities and problems as his way of relating. It is not surprising Peter married Susan, a woman who required a great deal of caretaking and was unable to care for him in return.
The covert incest with Peter’s mother occurred as a result of the role in which he played the surrogate husband. Counseling his mother about the unhappiness in her marriage was not his responsibility, nor was reassuring her that she was loved. That discussion needed to occur between husband and wife. Sexual energy was certainly felt when he was invited into her room after work. His mother’s own neediness prevented her from realizing that her behavior was inappropriate.
Peter’s situation did not result in a sexual addiction but rather a sexual shutdown. Denying his sexual expression was a way Peter could remain loyal to his mother. His passion was still his mother’s, not his. Circumstances like Peter’s could result in sexual addiction or other addictions for that matter—relationship, alcohol, drug, or food. For Peter, work could certainly be considered addictive and a reenactment of the role he played in his family.
Men like Peter are drawn to women they can take care of so as to re-create the role they played with their mothers. The draw is almost magnetic. The hope is, “If I can just be there enough for her, maybe she’ll be there for me.” Generally, that never happens. Instead, the needs remain unmet and the resentment grows. For the most part, however, the needs Peter longed to have met could not really be fulfilled by his wife. They were needs of childhood, which are more appropriately met through support groups and the therapy process. The emotional bind he was in was a result of his position between his mother and father. That is not to say there weren’t legitimate needs that were unmet in Peter’s marriage, but his unmet childhood needs overshadowed his marriage, making it difficult for him to find satisfaction with his wife.
Peter’s childhood exposure to inappropriate sexual energy also occurred when he acted as a messenger between his mom and dad. As the go-between, Peter was exposed to a passionate energy meant to be exchanged between husband and wife. This was why Peter became so involved with Susan while she was breaking up with her boyfriend. Symbolically, Susan was his mother; her boyfriend was Peter’s father. Peter essentially reenacted his unresolved childhood pain through Susan by re-creating what happened to him as a child. Peter’s choice of careers in the helping profession and his difficulty setting limits were also a reflection of the bind he was placed in as a child.
For Peter to resolve the issues surrounding his marriage and career, he must address the covert incest with his mother and the abandonment by his father. Trying to resolve his current adult issues by focusing only on the present is like trying to plug a hole in a dam with one finger while other holes keep breaking through. He must address the reservoir of a lifetime of backed-up feelings. Peter needs to resolve his rage, bitterness, and guilt about the role he was placed in during childhood, a role that extended to his adult life. He will have to grieve for his lost childhood and the fact that his needs were not met. This grief is the root cause of his depression.
The Victimizing Process
Peter and the other three men presented in this chapter are not unique. Their stories are common to men who have grown up in alcoholic or dysfunctional families, but covert incest is not limited to the four roles identified in this chapter. Boys playing roles such as the family’s or Mom’s hero, lover boy, golden boy, or perfect son are also potential victims of covert incest. Identifying this victimizing process is the first step necessary toward getting free of the trap of being a surrogate partner. The covert incest these men suffered has been a source of confusing, progressive rage and shame that has plagued their intimate and sexual lives as adults. Although there are a myriad of issues regarding intimacy for these men, the dynamic of being a covert incest victim is most pervasive.
A few other issues warrant addressing before we move on to stories of women who were their fathers’ partners. There is a common reaction among many men when hearing this information about being a covert incest victim: “If it weren’t for my mother, nobody would have cared about me. My dad didn’t seem to care about me, and I felt abandoned by him. So even though my mom seemed a little overbearing and overprotective, at least she cared about my needs.”
First, it is true that these men have been abandoned by their fathers, and this experience is both highly significant and damaging. One’s sense of manhood is deeply injured. To capture a vital and healthy sense of being a man requires dealing with the anger and sadness resulting from the abandonment. These men, in adulthood, must also begin replacing the loss that occurred as a result of being abandoned. This process will be discussed more fully in Chapter 7, “Moving Forward.”
Second, the reality of being abandoned by the father is clear. It is not confusing, and the feelings are readily accessible if one has the necessary support. However, the reality of a mother’s behavior toward a child in a covertly incestuous relationship is not clear. There is a grave distortion in perception. It isn’t always the abuse, neglect, or abandonment one suffers as a child that later interferes with happiness, but rather the distortion in perception that results. The classic example of a distortion in perception is, “I beat you for your own good.” Certainly being beaten is damaging, but being told it is for one’s “own good” is the factor that will haunt the child for a lifetime.
Being a covert incest victim is no different. It is a distortion in perception to believe that the mother’s excess attention given in a covertly incestuous relationship saved the child. On the contrary, it robbed the child of the freedom to be autonomous and to feel worthy. Vitality is lost under the insidious, lifelong trap that “I should keep being there for my mother; after all, she was always there for me.” Again, it cannot be stressed enough that the mother’s preoccupation with the child is not a statement of love for the child, but a statement of dire neediness by the mother.
The child’s core needs are rejected, not served. The child feels like an object, not a person. The real needs for love, nurturing, security, and trust are never met. Worse yet, the child is made to believe those needs are met. This is the essence of the damage in a covertly incestuous relationship, along with the trauma of that relationship being bound by inappropriate sexual energy. The reality of covert incest is hard to see clearly, which is why covert incest is so insidious and pervasive in an adult victim’s life.
If you are a man and find yourself identifying with covert incest victims, it would be good to keep in mind that the intent here is not to blame your mother but to hold her accountable. Also important to keep in mind is that your mother’s behavior was largely unconscious. Even if it had been conscious, her own neediness from her damaged childhood would have prevented her from taking more personal responsibility. To continue to deny the damage the relationship has caused will keep you trapped in the struggle to find contentment with yourself and your partner. Alternately, to focus only on your anger about your father’s abandonment keeps the denial alive.
In summary, denying the reality of covert incest and staying a victim is a setup for some form of addictive or compulsive lifestyle. Because of the broken spirit, the pain and discomfort of being objectified during childhood, and feelings of inappropriate sexual energy in the parent-child relationship the adult covert incest victim has a difficult time being comfortable with his body. Addictions represent an escape from the body and a way to medicate feelings. Sexual addiction and workaholism have already been mentioned in some of the stories. However, food addiction, alcoholism, compulsive spending, shopping, gambling, and drug addiction are also common; in fact, the list is endless. One can become addicted to anything. Surrendering or letting go of the addiction is the first order of business in identifying and working through the feelings born of covert incest.