When my daddy died, it seemed like I lost the love of my life. I was so in love with him . . . I can’t seem to love anyone like I loved my daddy.
—Anonymous
FOR WOMEN WHO HAVE played the role of a surrogate spouse, the issues surrounding covert incest are similar to those of men who have done the same, but they are also different. For example, some women grow up playing the role of “Daddy’s love” while also being a surrogate partner for Mom; men rarely have surrogate partnerships with both parents. Women can also play the role of their mother’s surrogate husband without the sexual tension that is evident with men and their mothers. In these instances, eating compulsions are more common than sexual problems in adulthood.
In addition, women more frequently experience direct sexual touch (overt incest) by their fathers while simultaneously playing the role of his surrogate spouse. When this occurs, there is a deep injury to a woman’s core sense of self. The consequence to her in adulthood is a sense of living on an emotional roller coaster, riding to the top of romantic fantasies, then plunging into the despair of romantic disillusionment. Feelings and reality remain insulated behind illusions of loving and being loved. Her search for love is driven and desperate, and a sense of union with men may never be felt except in the throes of passion. Underneath this longing and struggle for companionship is the pain and anger of her incestuous violation.
Daddy’s Special Love
Vickie, a thirty-seven-year-old professional, was attractive, fashionably dressed, poised, and articulate. She had an air of confidence found only among the most competitive. In fact, Vickie’s concern upon entering therapy was that while she knew how to attract and be competitive with men, she did not know how to “keep” them.
Men always seem to be adversaries. I’m careful never to let my guard down around them. I often take pride and joy in seducing them sexually, then abandoning them. There is a certain victory in knowing that I’m wanted. I’ve always entertained the belief that I had a right to act toward men as they do toward women. Using men was a rite of passage for me in becoming successful. Lately, though, I hate myself for engaging in the same behavior I’ve always despised in men.
Vickie spent her first therapy session examining her self-contempt. Appearing agitated, she shifted the conversation to her most recent relationship.
It seems when I do become interested in somebody, I manage to chase him away. Greg was no exception. Our relationship started out passionately, as all of mine do. There was something about Greg, though, that made me want more. I became consumed with him. When I wasn’t with him, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I would think about how he smelled, looked, dressed, what he might be doing at the moment—anything to keep me intoxicated with him. I rarely let my guard down with someone, but when I did, there was no stopping me. It was all or nothing.
I called him constantly and wanted to be with him every minute. He began to feel suffocated and wanted me to back off. I couldn’t. His attempts to get some space from me only made me want to be with him more. Soon his withdrawal from me ignited rage. I attacked him and accused him of not caring. Later, when I calmed down and realized what I had done, I would apologize and try to make up by being sexual. That pacified the situation for a time, but eventually, that didn’t work either. Greg spent less and less time with me. And my attitude became more vicious, to the point where I did everything I could to emasculate him. The very man I had fallen so in love with now was the object of my hate. Finally, he had enough, and told me to stay out of his life.
Vickie’s scenario with Greg reflected a pattern of relating to men that she had been frozen in for some time. Unable to hide behind her romantic and sexual illusions any more, her broken heart and lost chances for love consumed her. Women like Vickie approach relationships with a high degree of romantic intrigue, which distorts perceptions about the relationship and the man himself. Instead of falling in love with the man, these women fall in love with the romantic fantasy. A spiral of disillusionment, pain, and emptiness follows. Because she is brokenhearted following each lost love, the woman’s desperation for romance and sexual excitement increases. It generally takes greater and greater distortion in perception to fit some man—any man—into the next level of romantic illusion.
Vickie went on to describe the pain and emptiness that followed her thwarted attempts at relationships.
God, I feel so depressed. I feel suicidal when relationships don’t work out. I was so afraid of what I might do to myself after Greg dumped me that I realized I needed to be in therapy. I don’t know why I even bother falling in love. Sometimes I think it would be easier to see men for sex only and keep love out of it. Yet, there seems to be a deep emptiness in me that longs to be filled with love.
I have a hard time admitting my struggles to be close to men. Perhaps even more difficult is admitting that I desire that closeness. I have always hidden behind a mask of professional competency, anger, and competitiveness with men. As unfulfilling as it was, at least I could relate to men in some way.
Vickie’s defenses were no longer working. She could not tolerate the pain and hurt of the abused little girl inside her. Vickie’s desperate, illusory, and anger-filled attempts at relationships were her unconscious drive to become aware of and resolve the abuse she suffered as a young girl. The extremes in Vickie’s behavior toward men are common among women who have been “Daddy’s little girl” or “Daddy’s love.” A closer look at Vickie’s relationship to her father reveals what underlies her pain and anger.
When asked to describe her parents, Vickie was quick to start with complaints of her mother.
My mother was always complaining about something. I couldn’t stand her. I couldn’t do anything right in her eyes; she was always on me about something. Even though I had an older brother and two younger sisters, I always had the feeling she took special pride in criticizing me more than them. She seemed jealous of me, and I couldn’t quite understand why. I always felt like I must have done something horrible. I was always left feeling like a bad little girl around her.
I don’t have much memory of specific childhood events. In fact, I don’t have any memories much before the age of five. After that, my memories are filled with the constant antagonism between my mother and me. Life was a chore at home, knowing I had to face her on a daily basis. My only pleasant memories were of my father. He seemed to love and adore me so much. If it weren’t for him, I never would have felt any love growing up. Even though he drank some, and was possibly an alcoholic, at least he had a heart.
I loved and adored my daddy as much as he did me. We had a special relationship. He took me special places and brought home gifts just for me. At night I was the one who got to sit next to him or on his lap. I was always so excited to be around him. When we were alone, he told me how much he loved “his little girl” and if it weren’t for me, he would have left my mother long ago. All the while growing up, I knew I could be a better companion to my dad than my mother was. After all, I could tell he preferred me.
My father was a favorite target of my mother’s criticism when he wasn’t around. She attacked him intensely when I was present, almost as if for my benefit. She complained about his drinking and griped that he spoiled me too much. I would defend him and argue back that I wasn’t spoiled. She acted suspicious whenever I spent time alone with my father and asked an endless number of questions. I always felt like I’d done something bad, that I was dirty. Being loved by my daddy had a price. Somehow, I was always left feeling ashamed for receiving the loving attention I got.
When it was suggested that Vickie’s relationship with her father was a significant reason for her pain and struggles in relationships, she protested. “I can see that he was the one who loved me, but I get sick to my stomach and frightened thinking about looking at my father’s relationship with me.”
After months of therapy, Vickie began to let herself in on the pain and violation created by her father’s relationship with her. She also began to recall events from her childhood. She reported that throughout her childhood, and sometimes as an adult, she would have what she thought was a dream: “A dark-figured man keeps coming toward my bed, but I can’t see his face; the dream always stops there. I always wake terrified and confused.”
One day, Vickie came into her therapy session sobbing:
I know who that man is. It’s my father. I saw him in the dream last night. He was touching me sexually. I can’t believe it. It must have happened about age four or five. That was not a dream I was having but a memory. I can see him. I don’t want this to be true! But I can smell him like it was happening now. The scent of his cigarettes and booze is right there.
Vickie began to work through her pain and rage. She attended a women’s support group for incest victims and received support for her feelings surrounding the abuse. Her lifetime of buried anger at her father was expressed by her anger at and seduction of men. Her seductive pattern allowed her to feel powerful and to temporarily overcome her childhood feeling of helplessness. Vickie had kept these feelings hidden behind the illusion that her daddy was “all good and loving.” Children who are abused often have no choice but to create a false, illusory image of the abusing parent, which enables them to believe they are loved.
Children will hold onto this belief at any cost; their need to believe they are loved is as vital as is their need for food or water. For this reason, many abused children idealize the abusing parent. They often go on to re-create “betrayal bonds” in adulthood, where abuse and love become mixed together in romantic relationships.
After the hurt and pain subsided, Vickie was relieved to have learned the reality of her abuse. However, she struggled with breaking through the illusion created by her father’s special attention to her. She was willing to acknowledge she had been a victim of overt sexual abuse, but not of covert incest. After all, her father’s special attention to her was the only love she got, and it enabled her to remain on a pedestal above her mother, the parent with whom she felt so competitive.
Once Vickie started to understand her mother’s motivations, she saw things more clearly. Vickie’s mother was suspicious about the time Vickie spent alone with her father. Vickie often felt anger and blame from her mother but never understood why. She sometimes wondered if her mother faulted her for the abuse. It was easier for Vickie’s mother to be angry with her, than confront her husband. Once Vickie began to recognize that she and her mother were competing for the same man’s attention, she began to put her mother’s anger at her in perspective.
Vickie realized that her father’s seduction of her was a method he used to keep his wife’s anger at bay. By keeping Vickie seduced in a “close” relationship, he left his wife feeling jealous and competitive. The anger and pain about her husband’s abuse became secondary to the importance of competing with her daughter. A competitive, covertly incestuous triangle was cocreated by both parents. As Vickie began to become aware of this through therapy, her childlike illusion of her father’s love began to shatter. She saw him for who he really was.
In her adult life, Vickie’s emotional roller-coaster ride of romantic fantasy and intrigue followed by painful disillusionment was the consequence of this false image of her father. Her view of all men was filtered through this original distortion. Becoming attached only to the fantasy rather than the reality of the men in her life, Vickie kept her father’s seduction hidden from her awareness. She never had to face the painful feelings required to live in reality. After facing the facts and working through her feelings, Vickie began to approach a relationship more realistically and see a man for who he was. The roller-coaster ride was finally coming to an end.
The new stability in Vickie’s life was assisted by the recovery from her sex and love addiction. Through her attendance at support groups for this addiction, she realized she had created a pattern in her life that was out of control. In fact, as time went on, Vickie revealed more about her pursuit of sexual highs than she had first acknowledged. Her initial admission of driven romantic and sexual relationships was only part of the story. Vickie’s history confirmed a pattern of sex and love addiction.
This description departs somewhat from the identification of sexual addiction that was discussed in Chapter 3. In some cases, describing one’s pattern as both sex and love addiction is more accurate. This is more common among women than men. However, many men who identify a sexual addiction are also driven to pursue love at any cost.
The Princess
Although many women are not overtly abused sexually, they can be locked into a sexualized relationship with their fathers. Such was the case with Rebecca. She came into therapy complaining about her husband. This was her third marriage. None of her husbands had ever pleased her, and she had an endless list of complaints about each. The first two husbands left the marriage because they had “had enough of my complaints and dissatisfaction.”
Although Rebecca made this statement, she went on to place the blame for the failed marriages on her husbands. She was unable to view her own behavior in context and see how she had affected her husbands. Rebecca’s blaming persevered as she proceeded to discuss her third marriage.
I seem to have picked yet another man who can’t be intimate. Michael is just involved in himself. He never has enough time for me. I need something more. I sometimes think he doesn’t even love me because he hardly pays any attention to me. I want to be loved and adored. Michael won’t or can’t do that. He claims he always makes it a point to set some time aside and connect with me when he gets home from work, but he only does it because I ask him to. I want him to do those things because he loves me. I shouldn’t have to ask for what I want or need.
Besides, after he makes his perfunctory connection with me, he wants time to himself. He claims to be tired from working all day and wants to relax. I tell him that’s my point: he never has enough time or energy for me. Sometimes I get so mad I start screaming at him. I let him know if he doesn’t start paying more attention to me, we’re through. I want him to let me know I’m loved and special in his eyes. The lavish gifts he used to pour on me don’t work anymore. I’m special, and I want to be treated that way. I guess I’ve come into therapy because I really don’t want to have to go through another divorce, but Michael is just going to have to do some changing for it to work.
Maybe Michael and I need a long, fun vacation together. Some place new and different. Perhaps I’m just bored. Maybe I don’t really know what I want. I can’t seem to feel satisfied about my life anymore. I’m starting to feel kind of empty. Maybe if I got pregnant I would be happy. I bet a baby would adore me and love me. Then again, I couldn’t do what I wanted when I wanted to. Having a baby might be too inconvenient. I know Michael wouldn’t help out. Even if he did, he would have that much less time and energy for me. I’m confused. I want to feel special inside again.
Rebecca’s delivery in describing her dissatisfaction was passionate and full of conviction. Though there was probably some truth to the fact that Rebecca chose men who had difficulties with intimacy, the truly relevant issue was her own intimacy struggles. As I continued to listen to Rebecca’s complaints, it became apparent to me there was nothing her husband could have done to please her. Her dissatisfaction wasn’t really about him, it was about her own inner emptiness and longing for love that occurred well before she met Michael. Her desperation was evident when she switched back and forth between whether Michael or a baby or both could finally fulfill her.
However, Rebecca could not see this reality. She was convinced Michael needed to do something different so she could feel happy again. The inability to see her behavior in a more realistic context and to separate her own issues from those of the relationship was a consequence of an early childhood trauma. The trauma was due to never being seen as a separate person with different needs, wants, preferences, and feelings by one or both of her parents. The consequence of this in adulthood was a narcissistic reality. Rebecca could only see the reflection of herself in Michael. The fact that she became indignant because Michael wanted some time to himself after a long day’s work was a reflection of her narcissism. Her insistence that he was taking time away from her reflected Rebecca’s struggle in seeing that Michael could have needs or wants separate from her own.
The fact that Rebecca imagined that having a baby might answer her need to be loved revealed her narcissism, too. She would likely be unable to see her baby as having independent needs as well. Rebecca’s injury is great. Her defense is to externalize—believing a vacation, a baby, or an adoring husband will take away the pain of never having been loved and seen for who she really is.
After many months of therapy, Rebecca stopped focusing externally on her husband as the cause of her unhappiness. She slowly began to realize that her inner emptiness came from being seduced and abandoned as a little girl.
Rebecca had been her family’s princess. On the outside, she seemed to have it all. She was indulged by her parents and seldom held accountable for any misbehavior. Rebecca frequently received special privileges and rarely wanted for anything. Her siblings hated her, and her friends were envious. It is difficult to imagine that a child treated in such a special manner could have been so deeply injured. She was adored by her father. As she described the specialness she felt from her father, the emotional damage she endured became clearer. Rebecca’s father treated her more like his mistress than his daughter.
As Rebecca began to recount her father’s relationship to her, the “ickiness” of his seduction became evident to her. Though she had never been sexually touched by him, Rebecca squirmed in her seat as if to get her father off her. She grimaced and exclaimed,
My dad actually bought me sexy underwear. I can’t believe it! I forgot all about that. It felt a little funny at the time, but he always said I was his “princess” and deserved the best. So I didn’t think much more of it. Besides, I liked being treated so special. When I started developing breasts, my dad would look at me with a big smile and proclaim, “You are becoming a woman.” At that point he started taking me out shopping and buying me whatever I wanted. I’d come out of the dressing room with my new clothes on to get his approval. That felt funny, too, but I didn’t think much about it since I really loved being treated so special.
I’ve always been my dad’s favorite. He paid lots of attention to me at home and wanted to know all about my day. He adored me, and I knew it. I began to expect that from everyone in my life, especially men. He even talked about boys to me, telling me I should find a man who would love me like he did.
Even as an adult, he continues to adore me. I almost seem more special to him than my mother. Last week, when I was at their house, my dad wanted to go into the family pool for a swim, just the two of us. It felt kind of icky, but he said he just wanted some time alone with “his doll.” That night, when I got back home, I binged on food. The next morning I starved myself and exercised until I pulled a muscle. Throughout my life, overeating has been an off-and-on pattern. Sometimes I used to vomit or take laxatives as a way not to become overweight. I’ve stopped that, but now I’m into compulsive exercising and dieting.
Rebecca’s struggles with an eating disorder were another consequence of the sexually charged relationship her father had with her. Although she suppressed the memory of her father’s seduction, her body continued to carry the feelings and sensations of this trauma. Her eating disorder masked her body’s attempt to bring to consciousness the awareness of the sexual injury. The preoccupation with food and weight helped keep the reality hidden. Compulsive overeating, binging and purging oneself (vomiting, exercising, or taking laxatives), or starving oneself are eating disorder patterns common to victims of both covert and overt incest. The energy spent focused on food and weight leaves no room for the body to heal. As Rebecca began to validate her inner reality of being a covert incest victim, the compulsion to overeat slowly subsided. She also took advantage of the support of Overeaters Anonymous to help her overcome her compulsion.
It was crucial that Rebecca directly address both the compulsive-eating pattern and the root cause of the compulsion. This is contrary to an unwritten rule expressed from time to time by members of twelve-step programs: Understanding the reason behind the addiction is not important. One is sometimes encouraged to use the support and philosophy of the twelve-step program and forget the “why.” Though there is some merit to this belief in the early part of recovery (stopping the compulsive behavior and making one’s life more manageable), it is actually a hindrance to ongoing recovery (peace of mind, comfortableness with one’s own body and self, and emotionally fulfilled and functional relationships with others). In my experience, those people who give in regularly to their addiction (be it food, sex, gambling, or other addictions) are the ones who remain in denial about the root injury that opened the way to the addiction in the first place.
The preoccupied relationship Rebecca’s father bestowed upon her was motivated by his needs, not hers. Rebecca was seduced into a sexualized, idealized relationship with her father, believing his special attention was all she needed. Simultaneously, she felt emotionally abandoned. Her legitimate needs for love, belonging, and separateness were never met. Being adored and admired were her only clues to the mystery of what it would finally take to fill up the restless, empty space that lay in her soul.
Rebecca’s narcissistic reality was her prison. By continuing to complain that Michael wasn’t paying enough attention to her, Rebecca hoped to recapture the specialness she once felt as “Daddy’s princess.” Yet it was this very focus that kept her from realizing the true emotional injury that resulted from being treated in such a special way. No one was ever going to be good enough for Rebecca. She was still in love with her daddy. As Rebecca faced the reality of her father’s relationship to her, her emotional freedom began. Her experience of grieving the emotional losses she endured as a little girl finally allowed her to accept the fact of her father’s seduction. The true reality of her childhood was the key for which she had been searching. Her heart finally started to heal.
The narcissistic reality present in Rebecca’s story is a common consequence of being a covert incest victim. These victims demand more than their fair share of attention and often require being the center of attention, even at the cost of another’s feelings. While they typically do not intend to hurt others, they generally lack the empathy needed to know that other people are being affected by them. They are thin-skinned, and defensive if confronted. They can dish it out, but they can’t take it. This is, of course, true for both men and women. Since the covert incest victim is never really seen by the parent as uniquely separate, she in turn has difficulty acknowledging the fact that significant others in her life have needs of their own. To varying degrees, covert incest victims essentially see the world revolving around them. Correcting the distorted perceptions inherent in such a reality is a major issue for all covert incest victims. (See bibliography for books on narcissism.)
It bears mentioning that Rebecca’s father was probably sexually obsessed and addicted. He violated significant boundaries with his daughter. This suggests his inner reality was lost to sexual intoxication. Many parents may notice their child’s attractiveness. That in itself is not damaging. It is in the sexualizing of the child that the violation occurs.
Rebecca’s parents had chronic difficulty in their marriage. Both participated in making Rebecca the princess. By participating in keeping Rebecca her father’s princess, her mother did not have to deal directly with the problems in her marriage. Both of Rebecca’s parents used the sexualized relationship between father and daughter to avoid dealing with the dissatisfying expression of intimacy and sexuality in their marriage.
Father’s Love and
Mother’s Surrogate Husband
For women who experience covert incest as children, playing the role of a surrogate spouse to both parents is devastating, perhaps the most tormenting of the situations presented so far. The result is a loss of clear identity. One’s inner life feels empty and agonizing. Awareness of feelings, choices, preferences, wants, and desires is lost under a deep sense of unworthiness and inadequacy. Outwardly, these women seem to be able to do it all. They also are capable emotional caretakers of others. They leave the impression that they have few cares of their own, and if they do, they handle them just fine. Yet there is great pain in the experience of self for these women. They struggle with their own sense of femininity and feel conflicted and guilty when attempting a relationship with a man.
In an alcoholic or dysfunctional family, it is often the eldest daughter who occupies this dual role. However, it is not limited to the oldest. Any number of circumstances can change that. The middle daughter could be both parents’ favorite and be seduced into a covertly incestuous relationship with them. Or it could be the youngest daughter who is trapped by the dysfunction found in her alcoholic family.
Family dysfunction is progressive. It never stays the same. As it progresses, appropriate boundaries between parent and child may become nonexistent and communication between parents becomes increasingly strained. If an older daughter isn’t already a surrogate spouse (or has left the home), the youngest has no choice but to pick up the slack. Often the departure of an older sibling leaves younger siblings vulnerable to covert incest. This does not mean that the incestuous bond between the oldest sibling and parent is severed, but that there are now more players in the drama.
Sue happened to be the oldest daughter in an alcoholic family. She came to see me because of ongoing difficulty in her current relationship. Sue immediately took command of the therapy session by offering a concise description of her family. It seemed so well thought-out, I guessed Sue had more to hide than reveal. She described her family dysfunction in a way that suggested she had handled it well and put it all behind her.
My dad was the alcoholic. He wasn’t a bad drunk, but he did drink a lot. Sometimes he would get wild with rage, screaming and yelling at me or my mother. I was afraid of him at those times and stayed away. When his attacks were over, he was always sorrowful. He looked like such a little boy that I would try to comfort him. It was hard to stay mad at him.
Though I was afraid of him at times, I knew I was special to him. His nickname for me was “Daddy’s love.” He would frequently let me stay up late with him after everyone, including my mother, had gone to bed. I would sit on his lap with my arms around him while he talked about his day. He talked of my mother frequently. He talked about how unhappy he was with her, and that he wasn’t sure why he married her. He used to tell me I must have been the reason he married my mother. He often added that he thought I was the only reason he stayed married.
After our talks at night, my dad would put me to bed. This was my favorite part of the evening. He would lie down next to me and hold me. Sometimes he told me stories or just how much he loved me. I loved it when he fell asleep with me. When I awoke in the morning, he was always gone. At times I felt like I had done something wrong because he didn’t stay. I really felt ashamed. When he stopped putting me to bed, I felt I’d done something to cause it—I’ll never forget it. One night when I was about eleven or twelve years old, he kissed me on the cheek and sent me off to bed without our special time together. From that point on, there was never any special attention from him at bedtime. No explanations were ever given. I thought for sure I must have done something wrong. Even to this day, I’m still not sure what happened.
Sue sounded more like someone confused by a lover’s departure than a woman trying to piece together the fragments of a father-daughter relationship. Even though he may not have had overt sexual feelings for his daughter, falling asleep as frequently as he did with her at night crossed a boundary. Daughters need to have their feelings of “being in love with Daddy” kept within comfortable boundaries—neither too distant nor too close—so as not to feel like the lover. When this boundary is crossed, it is difficult for a woman to share loving, close feelings with a partner of her choice. In covert incest, a daughter feels attached to her father in inappropriate ways. In Sue’s case, she also felt rejected, leaving her with even more of a burden. It is probable that at eleven or twelve years of age, Sue began to develop and mature as a woman. Her father might have feared his own feelings and become aware his behavior was inappropriate. Without an explanation, Sue was left feeling at fault for the abrupt change. This gave her a deep sense of shame about her sexuality and growing womanhood.
Throughout her teen years and adulthood, Sue and her father remained special to each other. Though there was no more bedtime closeness, the two continued to have long talks together. Sue’s father was the parent she turned to for love and support. She knew he loved her. She was less certain about her mother, though they were close as well.
At night I was very close to my dad. By day it was a different story. I was my mother’s best friend; at times I seemed to be her surrogate partner. I provided emotional support and comfort when my mother was feeling depressed, which happened often. If I thought she was sad, I made her breakfast in the morning after my dad left for work. I would tell her not to worry, and that I loved her very much and everything would be all right. She talked a lot about her problems, primarily about my dad. Even though I felt that my dad and I had a special relationship, it was hard not to side with my mother, too. She seemed so lonely and unhappy. It was hard not to want to comfort and console her, though I hated to at times. I resented the fact that I was her sounding board.
My mother didn’t show me the kind of love my dad did. But she always needed me, and I figured she must have loved me. Sometimes at night, we went out together to a movie or dinner and left my dad at home. She said he didn’t want to do those kinds of things. I felt torn between them. It was hard to know who to side with. I felt important to both of them. I felt particularly uneasy when my mother complained that my dad didn’t want to have sex with her or couldn’t have sex with her; I don’t remember what the exact words were. I do remember when they fought, it was a common topic. I think my dad had some sort of sexual problem. I felt terribly guilty, like I was somehow at fault.
Sue appears to have felt like the “other woman” as a little girl, interfering with her parents’ sex life. This only added to her sense of shame regarding her own sexuality. Though the relationship with her father was more sexually charged, the relationship between Sue and her mother had the makings of a similar sexually charged exchange. Sue was made to feel she was replacing her father. The sexual energy was transmitted through the emotional caretaking between Sue and her mother. By having to console her mother, particularly when she complained about sexual matters, Sue likely felt as if she had betrayed her father.
Relatively speaking, Sue idealized her father most and had more difficulty with her mother, but she was still “loyal” to both parents. This more subtle loyalty to both parents in a covert incest situation is not as apparent in the previous stories in this book where the split in loyalty is strong and obvious. As dysfunctional as it is, having obvious split loyalties provides some refuge for the covert incest victim. Seeing one parent as all bad, and knowing she is loved by the parent she sees as all good provides a channel for her feelings. Taking the side of one parent allows some sense of relief from the anger and rage. But this was not an option for Sue. As a surrogate partner to both parents, she felt at war within herself. Her inner core—her sexuality—was the battlefield.
This inner battle is apparent in Sue’s description of her relationships with men.
It seems like in one relationship after another, there is some problem with sex between us. I feel as if the men I draw into my life are either preoccupied with sex or somehow feel uncomfortable with themselves sexually. The last man I was involved with, John, was initially charming, although he didn’t express a lot of passion. In fact, he seemed void of it, and I didn’t feel a lot of passion toward him either. I felt sorry for him. It was almost as if my attraction toward him was based on pity. Even the times we were sexual, it was more obligatory than exciting. Finally, the relationship sort of just dissolved, without any major fighting. I felt relieved. I had begun to feel guilty and burdened, believing somehow I was at fault for John’s sexual difficulties.
The re-creation of Sue’s relationship with her mother is apparent in the relationship with John. She confuses love with pity and has a sexual relationship based on guilt and obligation. These are the rudiments of the surrogate partnership with her mother. Sue’s attraction to men with sexual difficulties is her attempt to reenact the relationship with her mother and finally separate from her. Though there was never any overt or apparent sexual expression from her mother, Sue’s pattern clearly expresses that the relationship was damaging at some level.
Sue went on to describe her current relationship.
Dave is the total opposite of John. He is the other extreme. He is very passionate—too passionate, really. It seems like this is a pattern; first I find a dispassionate relationship, followed by a highly passionate one. Dave seems obsessed with sex. I do things with him that I would never think of doing on my own initiative. Though I feel uncomfortable with some of our sexual behavior, I go along with it anyway, because I know he loves me a lot. After all, he always wants me. Dave has a high sex drive. We make love every evening before we go to bed, no matter how I feel. This is our special time together. Even when we are done being sexual, he often masturbates himself. I feel like somehow I don’t satisfy him, even though I am willing to do anything he wants. Recently, we’ve been watching pornographic movies together. This brought me a lot of shame and was the catalyst in helping me seek therapy.
Sue’s relationship with Dave is the re-creation of the seductive relationship with her father. This is the other side of the battle she was caught in as a young girl. Regardless of her father’s intentions, his affectionate behavior toward Sue was perceived by her as sexually charged. One of the consequences for Sue in adulthood is to regard exclusively sexual behavior by a partner as a sign of love or affection. This trap invites men who are sexually addicted into the lives of women like Sue.
Sue is a cosexual addict—a person who has a pattern of attracting sexually addicted partners and violating her own value system to please the partner. Thus the coaddict confuses the signs of affection and longs for love so deeply that she accepts sex when she really longs for love. One of the key distinctions between the addict and coaddict is in the belief system, a system addressed by Patrick Carnes in his book Out of the Shadows: Understanding Sexual Addiction. Addicts believe sex is their most important need, and coaddicts believe that sex is the most important sign of love. Sue, who felt tremendous guilt and shame about her sexuality, violated her own value system in hopes of satisfying Dave. She hoped to feel loved and special again, as she had with her father at bedtime. Certainly the compulsion to be sexual nightly, regardless of how she felt, was Sue’s attempt to recapture what that eleven-year-old little girl lost. But she never received what she longed for. She wanted to be loved as that little girl deserved to be loved—for who she was, not for the comfort she provided her father. Pleasing Dave sexually was never going to fill her void.
In addition to therapy, Sue joined a support group for men and women involved with sexual addicts. (See appendix for a listing of these groups, and the bibliography for more resources on cosexual addiction.) In the beginning, Sue focused on Dave as the cause of her shame and the feelings of humiliation she experienced. Coaddicts commonly have tremendous feelings of betrayal and violation when impacted by their partner’s sex addiction. In the beginning stages of healing it is important to allow these feelings to surface and to find ways to establish emotional safety again. It is also critical to look at how coaddiction reenacts childhood issues, where caretaking others needs and sacrificing one’s self was a way to have an identity. Coaddiction is a compulsive pattern where there is an external focus on another (typically one’s spouse) as either the cause or the cure of feelings of incompleteness and unworthiness.
Sue projected her own unresolved childhood trauma and sexual shame onto the men with whom she became involved. It wasn’t until Sue focused on what happened to her as a child rather than as an adult that she finally began to break the bond of addictive relationships.
Coaddicts who remain exclusively focused on blaming others for their relationship struggles merely re-create the situation. Only the names and faces will be different. Sue’s life clearly reflects that her relationships were a pattern that could only be broken by looking internally. She had to acknowledge her anger, rage, shame, and guilt about both her parents. Over time, her sexuality stopped being the battlefield for a war that should never have been hers.
Cosexual addiction doesn’t have its origin only in a background like Sue’s. It can occur with any of the stories presented so far. It seems more women than men become cosexual addicts and more men than women become sexual addicts, although the reverse can also occur. What is clear thus far is that covert incest affects sexuality for both men and women.