The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.
—Ralph Waldo Emerson
In Mel Brooks’s classic comedy Young Frankenstein, Gene Wilder plays the part of Dr. Frederick Frankenstein, the infamous creator of the towering, tap-dancing, “cultured and sophisticated man about town.” In one of my favorite scenes in the movie, the good doctor questions Igor on the origin of the freshly implanted and somewhat suspect brain.
“Now, that brain that you gave me, was it Hans Delbruck’s?”
“No,” replies Igor.
“Ah, good! Would you mind telling me whose brain I did put in?”
“I will not be angry,” the doctor states emphatically.
“Abby someone.”
“Abby someone? Abby who?” Dr. Frankenstein continues to probe.
“Abby Normal.”
“Abi-normal?”
“I’m almost sure that was the name,” Igor responds gleefully.
“Ha, ha, ha.” The doctor rises to his feet and places his hands around Igor’s throat. “Are you saying that I put an abnormal brain into a seven-and-a-half-foot-long, fifty-four-inch-wide gorilla? Is that what you’re telling me?”1 And with that question wafting in the air, the good doctor throttles Igor and bounces him up and down as his eyes begin to bulge out.
This hilarious scene serves as the setup for what turns out to be a comedic rendition of a fanciful tale that is a parody of its more serious telling. As funny as this scene may be, leaders sometimes feel as if they are dealing with Abby Normal people when confronted by a myriad of interpersonal challenges and unhealthy behaviors manifested among those whom they oversee. Juvenile attitudes, passive-aggressive activity, disingenuous conversations, and basic disrespect can be collaboration killers. Unhealthy relational dynamics can wreak havoc among teams, rendering members frustrated and unable to focus on the work at hand.
While it may seem appropriate and even convenient at times to label challenging individuals as abnormal, I caution against relegating people to any category. Doing so may hinder leaders from dealing directly with difficult individuals and issues head on. There is no normal when it comes to relationships. Or, said another way, every individual is unique. Normal is defined as “approximately average in any psychological trait, as intelligence, personality, or emotional adjustment; free from mental disorder; sane.”2 While it may be statistically possible to find the mean when it comes to rational intelligence testing scores, it’s considerably more difficult to ascertain the same when it comes to personality or even emotional adjustment. And, from my experience, it’s safe to say that the vast majority of people truly believe themselves to be above average. So, we have a perception problem and a whole host of leadership problems when we begin to pronounce others as not normal.
The reality is that we are all broken to some degree or another. There is no normal. Even the sharpest people you know, who seem to have it all together when you first meet them, are most certainly struggling with something on some level that renders them somewhat less than they desire to be. What I am trying to say is that everybody seems normal until you have the opportunity to observe more closely. Inevitably, we all begin to show cracks in our character when scrutinized.
Rather than writing off others as being less than normal, a better approach to leadership would be to grow in our empathy and authenticity.
Humility Breeds Authenticity
Humility is the character quality most often associated with servant leadership. As much as humility is talked about in leadership circles, it’s still widely misunderstood. Some see humility as meekness or being mild-mannered. Some would suggest that it’s the antithesis of arrogance or pride. Others may use platitudes, such as “Humility isn’t thinking less of yourself; it’s thinking of yourself less.” While each of these may shed some light on this important character quality, humility remains hard to define and even harder to achieve.
At its core, humility is the ability to see oneself honestly, without pretense. Humility involves a clear acknowledgment of the frailty of humanity and the recognition of our own brokenness. The paradox is that we cannot change ourselves until we accept ourselves just as we are. We must be comfortable with the awareness that we are not perfect and have no need to posture ourselves as being perfect. We can be honest with others and ourselves as we embrace our strengths and work to enhance those aspects of ourselves that could potentially limit our leadership. Simply stated, we can be authentic. We do not need to pretend to be something we are not.
Good leaders are okay with the fact that they are a work in progress. They are comfortable in their own skin, no matter how freckled with failure it may be. They are confident in their abilities and quick to share their shortcomings. They are not embarrassed by the truth that they are not an expert on every subject. As a matter of fact, people who possess humility can genuinely celebrate the strengths of others without letting it threaten their own sense of self.
A leader who is able to see their own weaknesses or shortcomings, and acknowledge them freely, is inspirational. A leader who has no need to pretend to be the smartest person in the room can harness the talent of others who may be able to complement and strengthen their endeavors. The ability to recognize and leverage the strengths of each person creates a collaborative environment in which creativity flows freely and collective intelligence is leveraged effectively.
The converse is also true. A lack of authenticity leads to incapacity. Think of the insecure executive who is constantly struggling to prove themselves to others. Every meeting has the potential to become a battleground, where emotional sparring wastes precious time. Such a leader uses power plays to keep others in their “rightful place.” When insecurity is in the ranks, collaboration is curtailed. Lack of trust often leads to command-and-control structures, in which positional power replaces relational influence.
Not long ago, I was retained to consult in a corporate environment like this. The leader was a decent man with a strong strategic bent. He was actually brilliant. Many of his ideas were well-thought-out and had the potential to be significantly impactful. But there was an elephant in the room—his inability to gain substantive buy-in from the senior leadership team. At the heart of the problem was his need to constantly prove he was large and in charge. While many described him as charismatic and kind, those who worked closely with him knew better.
The character flaws he concealed in the calm became clearly evident when he experienced pushback or pressure. Those who knew him well saw the worst. Frequently, meetings were initiated with a series of leading questions. It would quickly become apparent to those in attendance that the purpose of these gatherings was not for brainstorming and problem-solving. The agenda was clearly set and the conclusions all but foregone when everyone took their seats at the table. Rather than expanding the possible options with wide-ranging solutions, the scope quickly narrowed to those ideas he wanted to have rubber-stamped. Pushing back or questioning his direction was seen as insubordination. He was threatened by anyone or anything that might raise doubt as to whether he was the smartest person present.
What was even more interesting was his reaction when I pointed out that he was actually the problem. Unable to embrace the feedback, he began to call into question my ability to ascertain the true nature of the issues at play. In other words, he attempted to assassinate me as the messenger. Apparently, he had brought me in to “fix” everyone else. Unable to accurately analyze his own thoughts, feelings, and motivations, he started casting aspersions on me and everyone else who he felt was potentially blocking his path. I was released of my responsibilities as advisor and within six months, all but one of his senior team members had found somewhere else to invest their time and energy. I’m sure he saw it as clearing the house of opposition, but the company hasn’t grown since. As a matter of fact, it’s in a slow and steady death spiral.
Leaders like this are hard to follow. While they seek to prop up their image at all cost, they undermine their own credibility with those whom they lead. Everyone knows they don’t single-handedly hold the keys to the kingdom. Yet they delude themselves into believing that, in order to garner respect, they have to exert their authority. Interestingly, just the opposite is true.
A single leader cannot be good at everything. Smart leaders know their limitations and intentionally surround themselves with folks who are more intelligent and more competent than they are. Then they lean into those gifted individuals for their expertise and experience. They are not easily threatened. Quite the contrary, they are quick to admit what they don’t know, and cannot do well, in order to enlist the support of those who have more to offer. This allows others to not only own the process but also be accountable for the results. It also creates much deeper engagement and, consequently, buy-in throughout the process. Synergy is created and greater value is offered when everyone is able to leverage their strengths and passion to produce collectively more than could ever have been created through the mere stacking of individual contributions.
Authenticity is the ability to quickly claim and utilize your unique gifts and strengths without falling prey to false humility. It also means that someone can even more quickly acknowledge those areas in which they have no passion, knowledge, or expertise. Simply put, an authentic person can be real. At the same time, authenticity allows good leaders to quickly admit when they have been wrong and apologize. They also seek reconciliation in order to restore broken relationships, when appropriate.
So, humility is the ability to deal effectively with one’s own humanity. Humility breeds authenticity. And authenticity produces empathy.
Authenticity Produces Empathy
If authenticity is accepting our own humanity, then empathy is accepting and connecting with the humanity of one another. The more effectively we have dealt with our own humanity, the more we relate to others in a spirit of grace. It’s a reality that the harder we are on ourselves, the more likely we are to be hard on others. And the flaws that bother us most in someone else may be the very issues we need to address in ourselves. In psychological terms, this is called projection, which is the tendency to ascribe to someone else one’s own attitudes, feelings, or suppositions as an unconscious defense against anxiety or guilt. It’s highly likely that the areas in which we tend to be judgmental of others are the very areas in which we ourselves need to grow. Before we cast aspersions on others, we would be wise to be introspective enough to ascertain whether we first need to deal with some personal character defect.
Maturity includes the ability to embrace our own frailty while allowing ourselves the grace to grow. Empathy involves loving and leading others while understanding their brokenness and encouraging them to pursue their own growth.
Empathy is the degree to which we are able to connect emotionally with others, without condescension and judgment. Empathy is the ability to feel what another feels and understand a situation from the perspective of another by placing ourselves in their shoes. Empathy helps us suspend judgment until we thoroughly understand the situation and have a chance to investigate the dynamics at play. When a decision is rendered, empathy allows for compassion even when delivering difficult news. Empathy does not mean we avoid making the hard calls. Rather, empathy provides us with the connectedness to deliver challenging news in a compassionate way.
The more we can embrace our own frailty and get in touch with our own emotions, the more likely we are to connect with others in their humanity. While character and competence produce trust in a relationship, empathy produces a deeper emotional connection. When a relationship is marked by a high degree of trust and empathy, it’s likely to weather even stormy seasons because each person respects the other one.
Dealing with Brokenness
Can we just admit that we are all broken? None of us is everything that we desire to be. We all have room to grow. Healthy individuals constantly seek to grow. And, as has been stated, relationships provide the context within which we can grow and cultivate character. The challenge comes in that most organizations are so focused on short-term productivity that they don’t invest in the long-term development and success of their people—and they do so to their own peril.
Teflon’s nonstick properties make it a wonderful thing to have on a skillet when you are scrambling eggs. But it is not a good descriptor of a healthy organizational culture. In a “Teflon Culture,” people don’t stick. They seem to slide right off the grid, especially after an apparent failure. Teflon leaders are impervious to blame or criticism. They don’t assume responsibility when things slide sideways. They prefer to release others of their responsibilities rather than run the risk of a blemished reputation. They won’t put their neck on the line for anyone or go to bat for their team members. And those around them know this to be true and operate in fear. Failure is unacceptable and people are dispensable. Second chances are rare and only offered grudgingly.
However, second chances are often the greatest opportunities leaders have to energize their workforce. When we express belief in and invest in those who have failed, we are making a huge statement and creating an atmosphere conducive for greater commitment. We are saying that we don’t throw people away at the first sign of trouble and we are committed to the growth and development of one another, even in the face of setbacks. When we do this, those who have been extended grace feel motivated to right the situation. In healthy people, grace cultivates gratitude. And gratitude is one of the greatest ingredients that bonds people together. When team members experience grace and feel gratitude for it, we don’t have to light a fire under them because we will have effectively fanned the flame within them.
Companies that treat people like pawns never experience the full benefit of having teams composed of mature and deeply bonded individuals who believe in one another and feel that others have their best interest at heart. Instead, such companies put a premium on defect-free performance and sacrifice personal development on the altar of perceived perfection. This, of course, is impossible to sustain and breeds an atmosphere of uncertainty. People begin to posture and pretend in order to preserve their appearance. Productivity may peak in the short-term, but it’s unsustainable. The culture becomes increasingly impersonal and eventually collapses due to relational undernourishment. There is a revolving door of talent, and replacement costs shoot through the roof. Team satisfaction and customer experience suffer for lack of stability. Eventually, business becomes rote and relationally void. And customer loyalty evaporates like fog on a sunny morning.
But companies that take the risk to restore and invest in the growth of others may very well garner a workforce of people whose loyalty and longevity outpace those who are far more gifted. Discretionary effort and commitment are often the response from those who have been given a second chance. When clear, constructive developmental feedback is offered in an atmosphere of grace, significant growth can occur. And as people bring a better self to the table, better results are almost certain.
Leaders would do well to create work environments that are characterized more by Velcro than they are Teflon. Leaders who take the risk to afford others a second chance may be well served if they offer such grace judiciously. Those who are deserving of additional time and attention may very well advance to become some of your strongest leaders. Second chances may produce the stickiness needed to keep good people on your team. And good leaders, who know how to grow their people, will seize these opportunities and invest accordingly. The secret is knowing in whom you should place such confidence.
Investing in the wrong people can create an atmosphere of enablement, in which bad behavior goes unaddressed. While I challenge every organization not to be overly quick to terminate their talent, sometimes it’s necessary to part paths.
The latter part of this book is dedicated to helping leaders by providing some specific tools to hone the workforce. When leaders invest in strengthening the culture of the enterprise by cultivating rich relationships, good things tend to happen. Like breaking up fallow soil before planting the seed, good leaders know how to prepare their teams to produce bumper crops. But to produce remarkable results, you first have to have remarkable people on your teams.
To be clear, remarkable people are not perfect. None of us are. But certain attitudes and values characterize high-potential players who will make the most of a second chance. When these particular behaviors are present, you can enjoy a high degree of certainty that your investment of time and energy will produce a worthy return. Let me list seven things you should look for when trying to determine whether you should take a risk on someone.
Feedback fuels growth. People who want to get better at what they do welcome advice and even criticism, particularly if a trusted coworker or manager offers it. They view such input as an opportunity to reflect on weaknesses they may not see clearly in themselves. Knowing that we all have blind spots, they embrace critiques as gifts and seek to glean insight and apply practices that will make them better. Even when advice is offered from a suspect source, they do not quickly dismiss it. Instead, they search for the kernel of truth that may be buried in the furtive feedback. They know that even one’s enemies can become allies in pointing out weaknesses that should be shored up.
Not only do they receive feedback well, but they also actually pursue it. They want to know how they are doing and what they can do to improve. Rather than avoiding feedback because of their insecurities, they thrive on challenging themselves to move beyond their limitations. They are grateful for any insight they may gain that will help them hone their capacity to connect with others in more meaningful ways. This doesn’t mean they seek to please everyone. They know better. It’s impossible to do that. Those who attempt to please everyone lose both their personal identity and their integrity. Rather, they garner insight from every possible source and then vet it accordingly. Like a gold miner panning for gold, they sift through the silt in search of even the smallest nugget of truth that will make them relationally richer.
Those who get defensive and deflect or project their issues onto others when faced with feedback are probably not worth giving another chance. They would likely squander the opportunity.
2. They are truthful.
When confronted with the truth, the employee worth your risk doesn’t deny it. No matter how much it hurts or may cost, they are truth-seekers and truth-tellers. They don’t spin, hedge, or create an alternate reality. They don’t vacillate or waver with the changing winds of popular opinion. They demonstrate a steadfast commitment to speaking forthrightly.
Conversely, those who attempt to confuse others or convolute the issues with deception or misdirection undermine the trust that may have been created through transparency. Attempts to alter reality by spinning the facts will only postpone the inevitable. Sooner or later reality will show up. And when it does, those who stand in the truth will emerge respected for being forthright, even if the facts are not favorable for them.
Relationships are built on trust. And trust can only be garnered when there is truth. Anything else is simply an illusion that will disappear when the light exposes the lie. Deception must be dealt with seriously as the relationally destructive element that it is. Those who speak and live the truth are typically trustworthy of a do-over.
3. They own or acknowledge their failures.
Few things have the capacity to restore favor more quickly than simply acknowledging a failure. While some may try to conceal or deflect responsibility, taking ownership is a mark of maturity. When someone owns a failure, they are welcoming the opportunity to take corrective action.
When someone refuses to own the problem, they will also likely refuse to take corrective action. If it’s not their problem to begin with, why should they be forced to clean it up? They claim to not be a part of the problem, and they refuse to be a part of the solution. Therefore, they really have no role to play in creating value. Those who create little value are worthy of little latitude when it comes to evaluating the risk of extending another opportunity.
4. They take responsibility for making things right.
Value creators strive to make things better. Even if a dilemma is not of their own doing, they want to make a positive wake in the world. They embrace challenges as opportunities to create value and attempt to use their strengths and passion to solve problems. They are quick to lend a helping hand. They are far less concerned with affixing blame than they are in rectifying wrongs and getting situations righted.
Those who are willing to own the problem and take responsibility for making it right are individuals worthy of your investment of time and energy.
5. They want to grow.
As odd as it may seem, not everyone has a desire to grow. Some are more concerned with preserving an image than they are with moving toward maturity. They see self-protection and self-promotion as more important than growth and advancement. This pretense leads to posturing. And posturing precludes self-awareness. Without self-awareness, growth is all but impossible. If someone cannot be challenged to change, then change is not likely to occur until extreme circumstances force the issue by bursting the illusion.
Healthy individuals want to grow. They are willing to be confronted, stretched, and challenged because they have an innate desire to be better. Those who demonstrate a desire to move beyond their present capacity are likely good prospects to become quality performers into whom you can pour your resources.
6. They are quick to apologize.
Where pride is present, apologies are few. There is an ancient proverb that says, “Where there is strife, there is pride. But wisdom is found in those who take advice.”
Pride leads to strife. An inability to acknowledge one’s mistakes and apologize to those impacted is the essence of pride. When someone shows blatant disregard for how their attitudes and actions have impacted the lives of others, they are toxic. And toxic people need to be marginalized. Removing toxic people from an organization can go a long way in building a healthier culture.
Wherever there is constant conflict, there is unhealthy behavior.
7. They initiate reconciliation.
Healthy people will take the initiative to make things right with others. They understand the power of and necessity for healthy relationships. When things go wrong, they own their part and work to reestablish the relationship as best they can.
This, however, does not mean owning what is not their responsibility. Taking responsibility for the actions of others leads to enabling bad behavior. For reconciliation to occur, each party must own their part in the problem. Only then is full restoration possible.
If someone is consistently unwilling to own and take responsibility for their part in the problem, then the problem is likely to recur. An excuse is a clear signal that you are going to have to deal with the issue again. People who constantly make excuses are toxic and you will likely have to distance yourself from them.
The main point here is that healthy people seek reconciliation. Whether reconciliation occurs will depend on the actions of both parties. Look for those who are intent on making things right and restoring relationships.
While we need to build organizations with more Velcro and less Teflon, sometimes it’s necessary to part ways with unhealthy people to build a strong culture. When that is the case, you are smart to cut ties quickly rather than allow poor behavior to continue to infect the enterprise. Good leaders must ascertain who will get a second chance and who should be given the freedom to move on. Assessing people based on these seven characteristics will help in making that determination.
Ready, Aim, Fire!
When you deem it necessary to relieve a person of their responsibilities, how you do it is critical. It will make a defining statement both to that person and to everyone else on the team.
I had the privilege of working with a leader who had a knack for firing people while maintaining a strong sense of connection. She handled each situation with deep compassion. On more than one occasion, I witnessed individuals approach her in public and fawn all over her. As they walked away, she would often say something like, “That’s Kathy. She used to work for me, but I had to fire her. Now she’s working over at ________ and doing a great job!”
The first time I witnessed this, I was a bit bemused and dismissed it as an oddity. But the second time, I had to ask how it was possible for her to fire folks in such a way that made them not only genuinely glad to see her again but actually seek her out across a crowded room. She was gracious enough to share her secret with me.
“To lead people effectively, you have to love them deeply,” she said. “I love my people. I get to know each team member and their families. I want to know what drives them. I want to understand their hopes, dreams, and aspirations. I also want to know what challenges they face on a daily basis. I want to know what they enjoy away from work. All of this helps me know better how to lead them and how to reward them for a job well done. I truly want the best for them, and I check in on them regularly. I want to know not only what they are doing but how they are doing. Sure, I want to know that they are fulfilling their responsibilities, but I also want to know whether or not they are personally fulfilled in their work. It’s important to me that my people enjoy their work and the other people on the team. Because, when you enjoy your work and you like the people you work with, life is just better.”
Then I asked her how she handled underperformance. Here is what she said.
“When I see someone underperforming, it’s generally because they are either experiencing some challenge in their personal life or they simply are not happy in what they are doing. So, I ask them. I may say something like, ‘Hey, I’ve noticed recently that things have been a bit rocky. You haven’t been giving your best at work and I’ve seen your performance slip. Let’s talk.’
“At first they will typically try to project an image that everything is just fine. But shortly into the conversation they will almost always ask me what I have noticed. This is my opportunity to explore a little deeper.”
“How do you do that?” I asked.
“I might say something like, ‘It doesn’t seem to me that you are truly happy in what you are doing. Happy people tend to do what they do well. Your performance recently hasn’t led me to believe that you are happy. Are you finding fulfillment in your work?’
“After a little probing,” she said, “they almost always confide in me something that has presented them with a challenge. If it’s on a personal level, I express empathy and attempt to offer whatever support I can provide, however limited it may be. If, however, it’s job related and presents a substantial barrier, then I take the conversation in a different direction.
“I ask, ‘What would make you truly happy? If you had a magic wand and could use it to create your ideal job, what would that look like?’
“Sometimes those conversations allow us the opportunity to look across the organization to find a position in which the person’s strengths and passion are more aligned with the responsibilities. If a move can leverage their gifts more effectively, then it’s a win for that team member and the organization. If there is no apparent match, I may suggest that together we begin to look outside the organization for opportunities that would be more personally fulfilling. If I have connections to another organization that would be a better fit, I gladly agree to make an introduction and offer my recommendation. Should we find a better fit outside the organization, again it’s a win for the team member and for the organization because it gives both the opportunity to move forward in a more productive manner. I have acted in the best interest of both parties and it’s appreciated.”
Her approach is profound. She is keenly aware that happy people do good work. And good leaders want the best for their team members—whether that is with the organization or somewhere else where they are more fulfilled. When people know you genuinely have their best interest at heart, they are more likely to believe the best in leadership. And when these two elements are present: wanting the best for and believing the best in one another, then you can expect the best from one another.
People Are Not Your Greatest Asset
I will often ask a gathering of leaders, “By a show of hands, how many of you truly believe your people are your greatest asset?” Almost every hand in the room quickly shoots toward the ceiling. If you were present, maybe yours would too. We all tend to place a high value on people, at least in terms of lip service. Maybe we do this instinctively. Maybe we are conditioned to respond this way. But the reality is that people are not the greatest asset of any organization.
Now, before you slam your book shut in disagreement, please let me explain. Apart from the fact that an asset is defined as “an item of ownership having exchange value,”3 I believe the term itself is derogatory when referring to team members and take exception to it. However, there is another more obvious reason that such a statement is untrue. Even if you prefer to stick with the term asset, I think you would still agree with me that the right people may very well be your greatest asset, but the wrong people are your greatest liability. So, it’s not all people, but the right people, who bring value to the organization.
As leaders, we must have the wisdom and relational maturity to differentiate between the right people and the wrong people when we are seeking to grow healthy cultures that inspire elevated performance. An inability to do so and make the necessary decision to part company with those whose values do not align with the rest of the team, or the enterprise at large, could prove detrimental to crafting environments in which healthy relationships can be nourished and grown to fruition.
››GAINING TRACTION: Questions for Consideration & Application