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The Growth Spiral

You ain’t gonna learn what you don’t wanna know.

—Jerry Garcia

Good feedback is a gift and should be received with gratitude. Feedback fuels growth, providing personal encouragement as well as the insight and perspective we need to pursue the changes that lead to maturity.

We all have room to grow. Feedback shines a light on shortcomings we may not otherwise see. A blind spot could be described as a character deficiency or an area that requires personal growth, about which we have been uninformed. Feedback is invaluable and can provide the mirror that allows us to see what might otherwise remain hidden to us—but most likely not to others.

The challenge, of course, is that feedback is not always easy to receive. We all bask in the light of positive feedback. We need it. We relish affirmation. But feedback that isn’t so glowing can be difficult to bear. It bursts our bubble of self-delusion. It exposes us. It hurts because it forces us to see things that we would prefer remain hidden. Or it may scrape the scab off an old wound that we wanted to salve a little longer. Whatever the case, feedback that addresses critical deficiencies isn’t pleasant to receive and it isn’t easy to deliver effectively either.

We’ll deal with the subject of delivering effective feedback in a later chapter. But before we can deliver effective feedback, we must first master the art of receiving feedback well. Receiving feedback requires that we both be deeply in touch with our emotions and have the maturity to harness them.

Every experience in life is emotionally framed. Emotions are wrapped around first impressions. Conversations evoke emotions. Relationships are fraught with emotions. Emotions are the visceral response to life. They can enhance our experiences, but they should never exclusively control our response to those experiences. Like lights on the dashboard of our lives, they give us an indication of how well our internal components are running; they provide inspiration and even information to guide us. But we should seek to master our emotions rather than letting our emotions master us. Of course, this is easier said than done.

At the risk of oversimplifying this complex subject, let me attempt to explain why emotions are so powerful. When we experience anything through our senses, that information is first screened by the reticular activating system (RAS) to determine its level of importance. To prevent sensory data overload, the RAS screens out all information that is deemed peripheral and causes us to focus on only that which is deemed necessary.

When the information is relevant and significant enough to warrant our attention, it passes through the limbic system. Here emotions are attached to the sensory data. Long before our prefrontal cortex has the opportunity to supply rational thought, our emotions come into play in an attempt to define and interpret what we are experiencing. Only after this wash of emotion takes place does the brain’s executive functionality kick into gear. If our feelings are strong enough and allowed free rein, our emotions can literally hijack our higher reasoning, enslaving us to impulsive reactions. Obviously this is not optimal and is why some argue that emotions should, at best, be suppressed and that good decision-making be based on reason alone. However, research has proven this assumption to be faulty. Patients who have experienced damage to the amygdala, which is part of the limbic system, find it difficult to impossible to make decisions about even the simplest matters. Thus proving that without emotions, decision-making is impaired.1

The best decisions are made when reason and emotion are blended, without one dominating the other. Stoic processing of information can be harmful in that it fails to factor in the impact that emotions provide. Likewise, emotions run amuck can cause us to make disastrous decisions because of limited impulse control. Emotional intelligence requires us to both recognize and define our emotions, and then leverage those emotions to enhance and not dominate our decision-making processes.

So, let me explain how all of this factors into feedback. When we receive feedback, whether solicited or unsolicited, we enter into a spiral. That spiral can either ascend to personal growth and transformation, or it can descend into desperation and alienation. Let’s take a look at how both of these occur, beginning with the progression and consequences of not handling feedback well.

Descending the Growth Spiral

When we don’t handle feedback well, not only are we unable to benefit from any possible insights for growth that we may have gleaned, we can also complicate the situation further by compromising our credibility in the process. Let’s say someone is providing you with feedback. This is what I call a clutch situation.

Think of the clutch on a car. It’s designed to help you easily engage the gears so that the power generated by the engine can be transferred to the drivetrain to turn the wheels and produce motion. Relationally, a clutch situation is any circumstance in which two or more individuals need to effectively connect (engage with each other) to produce positive movement in that relationship. A clutch situation could be a performance review, a meeting with a team member, a conversation with your spouse, or a teaching moment with a teenager. It could even be a brief encounter with a stranger. Almost every human interaction could be considered a clutch situation. Every encounter with someone gives us the opportunity to learn something new if we know how to garner feedback, whether spoken or not.

For the sake of this discussion, let’s imagine for a moment that the clutch situation is in the form of feedback from a superior or a team member. Whether offered as part of a performance review or a collegial conversation, the individual is extending constructive feedback for improvement. Of course, how that feedback is offered can either tee up that conversation for success or derail it into failure. But right now, I simply want to focus on the response. And the first response we will be looking at is a poor response, causing a downward spiral.

Spiral One: Defensiveness

A critique or criticism can be hard to stomach, no matter how well it’s delivered. We are all prone to have a negative emotional reaction to what we perceive as criticism. And that negative emotion causes warning signals to go off and defense mechanisms to be erected. This natural impulse to get defensive triggers a downward spiral that can have devastating consequences. Once defenses have been engaged, a pattern typically follows, rendering the clutch situation void of any positive impact. For once the defenses are up, the slippery spiral descends to the second level.

Spiral Two: Rationalization

While rationalization is an appeal to reason, it’s usually an attempt to minimize consequences by ascribing causes for poor conduct that superficially seem reasonable but are actually unrelated and not creditable. In other words, rationalization is an attempt to make excuses or justify bad behavior. It’s an effort to deflect responsibility or explain away culpability.

But excuses never correct the problem. It has been said that an excuse is simply a promise you make to yourself that you will have to deal with the issue again. Excuses simply postpone the inevitable. Despite our efforts to rationalize our behavior, sooner or later the issue will surface again. When we refuse to receive and assess difficult feedback, we are prone to repeat poor patterns.

Rationalization—the antithesis of authenticity—disengages the gears of growth and impedes relational development. Rather than facing reality, smoke and mirrors distort or redirect our attention away from the primary focus. This inability to look at oneself honestly, and the subsequent lack of ownership, will eventually cause the situation to degenerate to the next tier in the downward spiral.

Spiral Three: Stagnation

As the situation degenerates, a lack of engagement between the parties involved prevents them from relating effectively or connecting deeply with one another. The emotional barriers erected through rationalization to protect delicate egos are the same barriers that prevent us from authentically connecting with others.

When we rationalize, we are essentially saying we are not open to considering whatever is being presented that may challenge us to grow. This unwillingness to consider our shortcomings causes us to get stuck in a rut, where there is no opportunity for personal growth. We bunker in and justify our position. We may shift the blame to others or even attack the messenger. Whatever the reaction, we dig in our heels and refuse to budge from our bunker. The other person, depending on their disposition, may do the same thing. If they feel dismissed or attacked, things are likely to escalate. At this point, one or both parties may attempt to blow the other out of their respective bunkers.

Before long, the issue spirals out of control. Emotions escalate and both parties are on edge. Whether they continue to engage in verbal bombardment or retreat, there is now a rupture in the relationship. If one chooses to remain aggressive, the other may go passive. But don’t take the sudden withdrawal as a sign of acquiescence. More likely, it’s simply an attempt to dodge the shrapnel, not an indication that the issue is resolved. Unresolved feelings can go underground and continue to mount until there is a volcanic eruption.

Neither is fighting fire with fire helpful. Both parties only get incinerated. Ultimately, what happens in these fiery engagements is that the relationship follows a continual descent to the fourth level of the spiral, with its accompanying consequences.

Spiral Four: Alienation

Whether the third tier in this descent produces a standoff or a fiery exchange, the result is the same. Both parties are at odds with each other. Those who first became defensive and attempted to rationalize their behavior are now most likely resorting to desperate measures to prop up what is left of their shattered egos. These responses can span the spectrum, from simple awkward attempts to reframe the conversation to all-out attempts to undermine the credibility of the other party through subversive activity.

Without resolution, a separation between the two parties involved is certain. This emotional distancing causes alienation between those who need to connect in order to create value and positive relational movement. Alienation fosters desperation. People begin to act out of self-interest rather than seek what is mutually beneficial. Immaturity, rather than growth, prevails. This downward spiral all begins when an individual seeks to self-protect and self-promote rather than create value for oneself and the other person. Without candor and authenticity, growth is preempted by value extraction and posturing.

Ascending the Growth Spiral

The alternative to descending the Growth Spiral is to approach each clutch situation as a value creator. The question then becomes, How can I leverage this opportunity to produce the greatest value for everyone involved? This includes looking deeply at oneself and seeking to bring a better self to every endeavor. This attitude of openness creates an upward spiral of growth that can become inspirational. Let’s take the same scenario and talk about how we can ascend in this situation and engage the gears for growth.

Change is inevitable. We can either grow through feedback and increased self-awareness, or we will be forced to change through crises. Unfortunately, most people never change until it’s forced on them. They rock along, set in their ways and defending their positions, until calamity hits. That may come in the form of a pink slip, a Dear John letter, or an unwelcomed doctor’s diagnosis. Whatever the case, change that is forced on us is often seen as a hardship. When change is defined as such, most will attempt to endure the hardship and resist the change. However, when we receive feedback as a gift and seek to apply the insights we have learned, we can often make the changes necessary to avert crisis and move toward relational maturity. When we move in the direction of maturity, we are ascending the growth spiral. Like the downward spiral, the upward spiral also has cycles. Let’s look at each of these cycles to see how we can get into growth gear and move toward maturity.

Spiral One: Openness

When given feedback, we can either choose to embrace or resist it. Mature individuals grow more mature through the feedback of others. Good feedback allows us to see what may have remained hidden to us. We can then address these blind spots as part of our overall character development. This feedback may also give us insight as to how to more effectively relate to others. Either way, feedback received well can build a stronger relational bridge between two parties.

It all begins with a person’s willingness to listen intently without becoming defensive. Even if the comment or feedback is not coming from someone with the purest motives or the messenger struggles with the delivery, those who are open can always find a kernel of truth in what is said. This openness creates an atmosphere of honesty and authenticity, where issues can be explored for the mutual benefit of those involved.

Spiral Two: Honest Evaluation

When someone chooses to embrace feedback, it becomes an opportunity to seek and apply new truths. And truth applied leads to transformation. But embracing feedback first requires humility, which allows us to see ourselves honestly, without pretense, and leads us to greater self-awareness. Humility is an acknowledgment of our humanity, the awareness that we are not perfect and have no need to present ourselves as being perfect. We all have room to grow. Unfortunately, many people are stunted in their growth because they are self-deluded, believing things about themselves that simply are not true. Rather than embracing change, they resist and try to present themselves in a flattering light.

Self-awareness comes through honest introspection and evaluation. A healthy evaluation of a situation causes us to see ourselves as we truly are and to weigh the options and potential outcomes of our actions. It forces us to stop and consider the factors involved. Candid evaluation launches us on a journey to seek truth. But the extent to which we find truth is directly proportionate to our openness and willingness to receive it.

When we embrace feedback without hedging, spinning, or deflecting, we can consider its implications and adjust accordingly. To shift significantly may require enlisting the help and support of others. This is when we have the opportunity to considerably strengthen our relational bonds. It could be impactful to solicit the support and encouragement of the very one offering the difficult feedback.

After acknowledging where growth needs to occur, we could benefit by asking the messenger to serve on our personal development board. Ask for that person’s involvement in holding us accountable, providing needed resources, or offering encouragement when they recognize positive movement on our part. After all, they were concerned enough to bring something to our attention in the first place. Enlisting their assistance allows them to continue to stay engaged in the process. It also makes a statement about our seriousness to make a change. Remember, relationship catalyzes growth. And strengthening the relationship by asking them to continue to offer insight and feedback can accelerate growth, both personally and relationally.

Spiral Three: Solution Orientation

When we ask someone to stay engaged, we are essentially asking that person to help us come up with solutions. Rather than getting bogged down in debating the details and bunkering into stagnation, we are moving beyond focusing on the problem and heading toward a solution.

Shifting into a solution-oriented mind-set is a pivot point. It takes the spotlight off the negative aspects and their repercussions and begins to redirect the conversation and energy toward finding solutions. When we humble ourselves and ask the other person to help us resolve the issue, we allow them to connect with us on a deeper level. If our offer is accepted, that person now joins our team and is on our side, helping us rectify the issue. Together, we move toward relational maturity.

Spiral Four: Inspiration through Unity

Rather than attacking one another, which often happens in the spiral of descent, we are united in addressing the issue. We are in the foxhole together rather than in opposing bunkers. We address the concerns together as allies rather than waging war on one another. We can actually ask that person to have our back by offering us continual feedback to ensure that the corrective actions we’ve taken remain on course. That person can provide another set of eyes and ears to help us monitor whether progress is being made. When one demonstrates this depth of humility and sincerely invites another to offer assistance, it does wonders in creating a spirit of unity. And unity is a powerful force that can be leveraged for greater good.

While divisiveness is destructive, unity is inspirational; it turns doubters into dedicated supporters. When we approach challenging circumstances with relational maturity and a commitment to move beyond the problem, even dire situations can have inspirational outcomes.

You will also discover that the more open you are to receiving feedback from others, the more likely they will be to receive feedback from you when the tables are turned.

One Last Word on Feedback

Receiving feedback well requires substantial intestinal fortitude and emotional stability, particularly if it’s delivered in a less-than-desirable way. But demonstrating the emotional intelligence to embrace and honestly assess all feedback is a sign of maturity. Growth personally and relationally is the payoff. And if you really want to up your game, then don’t wait for feedback to come your way. Ask for it.

Many organizations go to great lengths to utilize a variety of instruments to give leaders insight for personal growth and development. For example, 360-degree reports are designed to provide thought-provoking feedback from those within a leader’s sphere of influence. Gathering feedback from direct reports, colleagues, and superiors, these formats consume a tremendous amount of time, energy, and resources to produce information to help individuals grow in their leadership capacity. Lengthy questionnaires are completed by a host of individuals, data is compiled, reports are generated, and then information is interpreted and delivered by an objective third party. All this is done to provide helpful information to enhance growth personally and professionally.

Do you see the irony of it all? We have manufactured artificial forums to overcome relational deficiencies. We have gone to great lengths to systematize a process for giving feedback because most organizations are filled with people who are so relationally immature that they don’t know how to effectively relate to one another. Wouldn’t it make sense to instead challenge people to grow up and move toward authenticity and relational connectedness?

Let me offer an alternative. It’s what I like to call the Poor Man’s 360. It’s a single question that can provide a wealth of developmental feedback. I’m not sure of its origin and I do not claim it as my own, but it’s one I use frequently with significant people in my relational realm. To set it up, choose those who are closest to you and give them carte blanche to be completely candid. In fact, tell them you want them to offer you the last 10 percent—the difficult feedback that most are afraid to express.

The first 50 to 70 percent of feedback is typically positive and contains a lot of fluff. The next 20 to 40 percent is usually thought-provoking insight that challenges us to grow. But the last 10 percent of feedback is the hard stuff. The stuff that exposes the ugly and unsightly cracks in our character. It’s what we don’t want to hear but desperately need to hear. It’s the raw, real conversation that has to take place in order to move toward relational maturity. Give them the freedom to go there with you. Then ask them the following question: What’s it like for you to be on the other side of me?

Meaning, how do you experience me? What do you see in me that I may not see in myself? In what areas do I need to grow to bring a better self to life? On what do I need to work in order to become a better leader, spouse, parent, or friend? Please give me the gift of your feedback.

I have discovered that those who are courageous enough to ask this question are the most self-aware individuals I know. They have discovered the benefit of asking this question of those closest to them. And they ask it frequently.

I am a dad. I have three sons and a daughter. I know pretty well how to rear boys. They’re easy. You have quality time together, wrestle with them frequently and feed them occasionally. You tell a boy you love him by putting him in a headlock or roughhousing. I made it a priority to volunteer my time to coach almost every team Ryan, Colton, and Jonathan played on until they were each in high school. But being a good father to my daughter, Lindsay, was quite another story. It was more of a challenge for me to participate in the pretend tea parties. It was difficult for me to wholeheartedly engage in helping her select dresses for her dolls. Without my wife, I am not sure I could have survived the emotional roller-coaster ride of adolescence, with all its inherent drama. Don’t get me wrong. Lindsay is now a beautiful young lady who is making her mark on the world and I could not be more proud of her. But I didn’t always know how to connect with her emotionally.

So, to stay connected with her heart, we would do daddy-daughter dates on a regular basis. We would go to dinner, or a movie, or just hang out together at a park. Sometimes she would accompany me on trips as I spoke to various groups across the country. Intentionally, our conversations would often include the Poor Man’s 360 question. I would say something like, “Hey, Linds, I need to know something. How am I doing? I mean, what’s it like for you to have me as your father? You know that I don’t always do this dad-daughter thing well. From your standpoint, what can I do to be a better father for you?”

I cannot overstate how much that single question, and her answers in response, has made me a better parent and a better person. The same is true when I ask that question of LuAnne. I become a better spouse. But let me warn you. Before you ask the question, you better be emotionally prepared for the response. Some of the feedback may surprise you. It may be painful to hear. It may even challenge your integrity. But if you are willing to embrace it without getting defensive, you may find that those closest to you can offer a clearer window into your very soul. And if you can take their feedback to heart and solicit their help, then you can make the changes necessary to enhance your relationships.

In conclusion, healthy relationship catalyzes growth. And feedback fuels growth. Those who learn how to receive feedback well demonstrate greater self-awareness and become relationally richer. Those who actively seek feedback become richer still.

››GAINING TRACTION: Questions for Consideration & Application

  1. Why is it common for people to get defensive when receiving feedback?
  2. Reflect on a time when you descended the Growth Spiral. Describe the situation and the outcome.
  3. Now contemplate how that same situation could have been different had you worked to ascend the Growth Spiral. What could you have done differently?
  4. Why is feedback so important to personal growth?
  5. What can you do to prevent your emotions from hijacking your reasoning?
  6. What are some artificial forums that have been created in corporate circles to overcome relational deficiencies?
  7. Why is the Poor Man’s 360 such a powerful question?