What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality.
—Plutarch
What we experience outwardly is merely a reflection of what we have or have not mastered inwardly. The term emotional intelligence has become a popular way of expressing a relational reality. The better someone monitors and manages one’s own emotional energy, the better they can master their emotions and leverage them for their personal benefit. And the better one can read and lead through their own emotions, the better equipped they are at reading the emotions of others and leveraging them to lead effectively. It has been substantially proven that those who demonstrate higher levels of emotional intelligence consistently outperform their counterparts with greater rational intelligence. Said another way, those who are relationally savvy and emotionally stable often outpace those who are technically smarter.1
The ability to master one’s inner world of emotions is indeed a powerful thing. When we harness our emotions constructively, we are better able to lead others effectively. The converse is also true. Those who are unable to manage their emotions productively often create toxic environments for those who must live with the fallout. Many otherwise productive work environments have been rendered incapacitated by a single individual who simply could not rein in their emotions. These ticking time bombs can go off, sometimes without warning, spewing relational shrapnel that sends everyone ducking for cover.
Leaders who create safe environments will find that their teams work collaboratively and productively. Safe environments result when leaders demonstrate emotional maturity and craft a culture in which sweeps of the workplace are done regularly to find and deactivate these dangerous relational land mines before they are detonated.
Leadership Goes Boom
John was a sales manager for a midsized medical device company. As the economic winds became adverse, the pressure mounted for his team to hit their sales numbers. As he experienced pressure from those above him to drive the numbers north, his inability to manage his internal turmoil became evident to everyone on his team. Meetings were filled with threats and innuendo. Dictates were given with little discussion or problem-solving. Team members, who once demonstrated patience, soon became irritable with one another, and the folks in operations suffered under John’s scrutiny when challenges arose that slowed the sales process.
A spirit of fear and mistrust started to permeate the ranks. An atmosphere of cooperation and collaboration was replaced by a CYA (Cover Your Assets) mentality. Morale and performance began to wane. Eventually, people found other opportunities and began to depart through the back door. Those who had no other option continued to show up physically but were emotionally absent. John had single-handedly created a toxic environment that was killing his people. He was leaving mangled morale in his wake, and lifeless bodies were washing ashore.
After spending a little time with John and his team, I could see clearly that he lacked both the skill and the will to delve into the depths of his own psyche to unearth the issues locked deep within his soul. Historically, he had been a high performer. By all accounts, he was prone to occasional bouts of volatility. As long as things were running smoothly, he provided helpful leads and support for his team members. But the minute his reputation was threatened or tarnished by anything less than a stellar performance from his team, he addressed it as a personal assault.
If anyone spoke poorly of him or attempted to give him anything other than affirmation in their feedback, he saw them as disloyal and they were immediately “targeted” for punitive measures. Sometimes that meant he simply avoided the perpetrator and withheld support or resources. On other occasions, he would lash out verbally at the perceived traitor. Because the office atmosphere prevented authenticity and candor, the negative thoughts and feelings of team members were forced underground, where they continued to build pressure. Gossip at the watercooler was an ever-increasing problem. Those involved in less-than-complimentary conversation would scatter like roaches exposed by the light whenever John would walk down the hall.
And John’s problems went well beyond the work environment. During our second session together, he received a phone call from his wife. After a brief exchange, he hung up on her and was visibly agitated. He then explained that the two were in marital crisis and discussing divorce. From his perspective, she was being demanding and totally unreasonable. On top of all the pressure at work, he didn’t have time to deal with her “hormonal hysteria,” as he called it. Then he began to recount in vivid detail several recent situations that supported his claim that she was losing her sanity. He was deflecting and projecting.
I seized the moment and made a bold statement. “Maybe her hormonal hysteria, as you call it, is the greatest gift you could ever be given,” I said. He sat there in stunned silence as he tried to absorb the statement. He was dumbfounded. He literally didn’t know how to process what I had said. After a long, awkward silence, I continued.
“Look, I’m going to be candid. Things are bad with the team. We probably disagree as to why, but we both know that to be true and there’s not much time to turn this around. That’s why I’m here. But, more importantly, that’s why your wife is here.”
“What do you mean?” he asked. “She knows nothing about the business!”
“That may very well be true, but she knows you. And she may know you even better than you know yourself. You see, I’ve discovered that I can tell what kind of a man a husband is by looking at the face of his wife. If her countenance is radiant and she carries herself with an air of confidence, then I can tell you that almost without exception her husband has created a loving, safe, and affirming environment for her at home. If, however, she is either combative or downtrodden and despondent, very often I have found a man who is oblivious to the needs of his wife and extracts more value from her than he gives to her. Of course, there are exceptions, but I find that more often than not the wife is a reflection of the man. You can often tell the heart of a man by looking at the face of his wife. I guess you could say that your spouse is a walking billboard extolling your personal brand. So, what kind of message is that billboard sending to the world?”
John immediately became defensive. He began to list all the reasons why he should be nominated for Husband of the Year. Then he went back to enumerate stories that illustrated why living with her was so difficult. I sat patiently until he paused to take a breath. When he did, I simply responded by saying, “Bovine excrement!”
Now, I don’t normally speak that bluntly, but his defense mechanisms were so well crafted and his bunker dug so deeply that my only recourse was to try to blast him out with bluntness. For a moment I thought he was going to leap across his desk and throw me out of his office. His face turned red and the veins in his neck began to bulge. He tried to stare a hole right through me. But I didn’t flinch in maintaining eye contact. It was a momentary standoff. Finally, he drew a long breath and sat back a little in his chair, his eyes still fixed on mine. And then he said, “What do you mean that you can tell the heart of a man by looking at the face of his wife?” His question gave me the opportunity to explain.
Creating or Extracting Value
My wife has an emotional bank account. Every day, and in every encounter, I will either make a deposit into that bank account or take a withdrawal out of it. If I seek in each situation to create value for her, then I’m making deposits. If I take care of her physically and emotionally, then I’m making deposits. If I seek and honor her opinions, then I’m making deposits. When I serve her, I’m making deposits. When I’m more concerned about her happiness than my own, I’m making deposits. When I listen with empathy, I’m making deposits. When I affirm her, I’m making deposits. When I provide a safe place to discuss heartfelt issues, I’m making deposits. And the more deposits I make into her emotional bank account, the richer our relationship will become.
However, if I expect more from her than I give to her, then I’m making withdrawals. If I put my needs above hers, then I’m making withdrawals. If I make demands of her, without counting the cost, then I’m taking withdrawals. Whenever I put myself first, I’m making withdrawals. And if I extract more through my withdrawals than I give with my deposits, then it won’t be long until our relationship is emotionally bankrupt. Or think of it as a relational reservoir. The more I pour into the reservoir, the more our relationship is going to be well watered. But the moment I begin to drain the reservoir, our relationship becomes drier.
Every day, and in each encounter, we can choose to be either a value creator or a value extractor. Value creators leverage every situation as an opportunity to bring more to the table than they take away. They look to make life better for others. As we create value for others, those relationships become richer over time. It doesn’t matter whether in the office or the home, the same principle applies.
The greatest challenge to any relationship is when one or both parties enter into it with the idea of extracting value. You see this a lot at networking gatherings. People show up and size up. They evaluate everyone according to what value they think the other person can offer to their endeavors. Folks mix and mingle with the objective of making connections that will facilitate their agendas. Have you ever been on the receiving end of an exchange at such a gathering in which you didn’t measure up to someone’s predetermined profile? It’s actually laughable how quickly the conversation can turn and how rudely you can be dismissed when a value extractor loses interest in your story. These meetings are often replete with desperate people and egregious egos, each pushing to promote or protect something. People are focused on what they can get from you while giving little thought to what they might be able to offer to you. Everyone goes through the formality of exchanging business cards, but then most quickly cull through them to discard those that have little or no potential of fulfilling their self-promoting purposes.
Value creators, however, are more likely to be involved in NetWeaving. My friend Bob Littell, founder of NetWeaving International, defines NetWeaving as a “Golden Rule” and “Pay It Forward” form of networking. NetWeaving involves thinking more about how one can create value by connecting others who share a common interest or may be able to serve one another in a mutually beneficial manner. It’s about promoting someone else’s story above one’s own. It’s an understanding that all the good things we desire in life are the by-product of creating value for others. It’s focusing more on how we can create value for others rather than trying to prove to others how valuable we are. It’s not about attempting to extract value for oneself. Rather, it’s a constant awareness that in each encounter we may very well be able to bring something to the table or make an introduction that could bring immense value to someone else. In doing so, we can make a positive impact in someone’s world. We can make someone’s story better. We can create value. And the more value we create for others, the more invaluable we become.2
The same principle holds true in our closest relationships. Meaning and fulfillment in life are found in value creation, despite how society often romanticizes value extraction. You see this warped perspective in a thousand subtle ways every day.
Jerry Maguire is on my short list of favorite movies. A cutthroat sports agent who seemingly has a moral epiphany and finds love in the process makes for a great story. The movie has several memorable lines, including “Show me the money!” and “Help me help you!” But the movie contains two other lines that are emotionally impactful. They are delivered in a scene in which Jerry (Tom Cruise) is explaining to Dorothy (Renee Zellweger) what happened the previous evening in what proved to be a turning point for their fledgling company. At the end of the scene, she utters the words that have caused many macho men to get misty-eyed: “You had me at hello.” Prior to that, Jerry makes a heartfelt declaration: “You complete me!” This simple three-word line has been known to make women swoon. The scene is oh, so romantic. Break out the tissues, right?
Not so fast! The screeching sound you just heard in your head was my stepping on the brakes.
Let’s analyze this. The whole scene isn’t romantic. It’s sick. It’s not about value creation; it’s about value extraction. Rewind the reel. Let’s take a look at what Jerry actually says just before he delivers the famous line that tugs at our heartstrings.
He says, “Our little project, our company, had a very big night . . . a very, very big night. But it wasn’t complete. It wasn’t nearly close to being in the same vicinity as complete, because I couldn’t share it with you. I couldn’t hear your voice. Or laugh about it with you. I miss my wife [long pause for effect]. We live in a cynical world—a cynical world. And we work in a business of tough competitors [another long pause so you can reach for the tissues]. I love you. You . . . complete me!”3 Cue the tear ducts.
If you go back and read the lines again, in which I added italics for emphasis, who is the focal point of his comments? How many times does I come up? Who is this really about? It’s about him! Now, admittedly, he does say, “I love you.” But then he immediately follows it up with “You . . . complete”—whom? Me! In the final analysis, it’s still about him. It always was and still is about him. And that one line compounds the corruption of our thinking about relationships.
You see, most people think someone will magically come into their life who possesses everything necessary to fill the void they feel in the depths of their soul. We look for someone to satiate the longings of our hearts. To make us feel good about ourselves . . . to complete us. It’s the myth of a “soul mate.” Some believe that, in a perfect world, there is a perfect match for them and once they find that person and join their lives together, they will experience bliss everlasting. But this thinking does not reflect reality.
If you buy into this bogus belief, then there is a logical progression to your approach in finding a mate. You begin your search for someone who can give you what you need to feel good about yourself. Do you see the focus here? It’s a value-extraction mentality. When you do find someone who seems to make you happy and appears to have, at least temporarily, filled some of the gaps in your character (e.g., you succeed in holding the ugly parts of you back long enough to get to the commitment phase of the relationship), you take the leap. Sometime after the honeymoon, however, you begin to once again be faced with the reality of your frailty. You get frustrated or angry because your needs are not being adequately met. You feel lonely. You begin to experience the same longings you had before marriage. So, you blame your spouse for the shortcomings in the relationship. Or, worse yet, you assume you made a horrible mistake in marrying the one person who you thought could complete you. And although married, you continue to search for such a mythical mate, guaranteeing that you live in misery.
The world is filled with broken people in search of someone to fill the deficits in their own character and make them feel complete. But when two people who are both attempting to extract value from each other enter into a relationship, it’s akin to two leeches latching onto one another and sucking the lifeblood out of one another. That is a pathetic, yet accurate, analogy of many marriages. In a value extraction–focused marriage, each person ends up drained and dying. The lifeblood is literally sucked out of the relationship.
But here is the reality. Every holy union is composed of two unholy, broken people. For a marriage to thrive, a value-creation mentality is required on the part of both spouses. When I focus on what I can bring to the relationship, as opposed to what I can get from it, I become a value creator and attempt to construct an atmosphere in which each person can flourish. I seek to bring the best of who I am to the table and constantly look to provide emotional and physical support to ensure my partner has everything I can provide to encourage their growth. I am not responsible for compensating for their shortcomings or concealing their character flaws. Rather, I am to live with this person in authenticity and transparency, loving them unconditionally and leading by example to the very best of my ability. I give without any expectation of reciprocity. I give because it’s the right thing to do. If that person is of the same value-creation mentality, then our relationship grows and becomes a blessing to us both and to others. When I bring my best and the other person brings their best, we complement, not complete, one another.
A good marriage is a work of art crafted over the course of time by two broken people who recognize their frailty and extend grace to each other. They love each other through their brokenness and create value for each other, even in seasons when it might not be returned. It’s a commitment that is made steadfast by a we, as opposed to me, mentality. This type of relationship places an emphasis on us instead of I and encourages each person to constantly look out for the best interest of the other.
You can tell by a woman’s countenance whether her husband is a value creator or a value extractor. And, by the way, the reverse is also true. A man whose wife is a value creator is a happy man indeed. It’s often easy to detect those who are in a relationship that is sucking them dry. I would also dare say that you determine much about the character of a leader by looking at the faces of those on their team. Show me a flourishing team and it’s almost certainly led by a value creator. These leaders know that true success comes from doing everything within their power to ensure the success of those they lead. They know happiness and fulfillment come through working hard to provide happiness and fulfillment for others. They know the good things we desire in life are by-products of creating true value for others.
What Does Your Spouse’s Face Say?
I turned to John and asked, “So, what does your wife’s face say about you?” He was frozen in silence. He didn’t have to respond to the question. We both knew the answer.
I broke the silence. “Now, it’s remotely possible that your wife is as bad as you say that she is and there may be some mental health issue at play. But at one point you saw so much in her that you thought you couldn’t live without her. So, what has changed? Is it that she is mentally unstable, or is it likely that you have both been looking to one another to get your needs met rather than focusing on how you could meet each other’s needs? Is it possible that you are merely like the rest of humanity in that you are both broken people looking for love? And when you don’t get the love you think you need and deserve, you begin to dictate and demand that your needs be met before you seek to meet one another’s needs? Could it be that your emotional baggage is banging up against her emotional baggage and bruising you both?”
“I do love her,” he responded in a softer voice. “Truth be told, I am afraid of losing her. She just makes me so crazy that I can’t control myself. She is unfair and unreasonable. And when she begins to attack my character, I feel like I am going to explode,” he said, the tension coming back into his voice.
“But what if she’s not really attacking your character?”
“You obviously haven’t heard our conversations,” he retorted.
“True. But right now it sounds like she is desperately trying to get something from you. Would you say that is correct?”
“Of course, she wants my money!” he said with a grin, bringing a little levity into the conversation.
“And if things continue on the current course, she may very likely get it,” I jested in return. “But seriously, what do you think she is trying to get from you emotionally?”
“I suppose she’s looking for love,” he offered.
“I would agree,” I said. “But what does love look like to her? What does she need? Have you ever asked her?”
“I’ve never asked her that question.”
“Well, maybe you could. Maybe you could ask her what she really needs from you. In my experience, people usually know what they need to find fulfillment in a relationship. If she responds, and if you listen intently without rebuttal, you might have a good place to start in restoring the relationship. And if you focus on becoming a value creator and doing your best to provide her with what she says she needs, it might begin to change the tone and temperature of the relationship.”
“And what if she doesn’t reciprocate?” he questioned.
“Well, if you’re doing your part in order to get a particular response from her, then you’re not really focused on being a value creator. If you’re offering value only to receive something in return, then you’re a poser. You’re only pretending to be a value creator while actually attempting to manipulate the situation as a value extractor. A value creator gives with no expectation of anything in return. They give because that’s just what they do.”
“But what if things don’t change for the better?” he continued.
“They very well may not, at least not at first. It’s going to take some time. You didn’t get here overnight and it won’t be fixed overnight. But if you remain steadfast in your desire to be a value creator and learn how to receive her feedback, then I have every confidence that things will begin to shift for the better. The toxicity of value extraction was injected into your relationship with your wife a long time ago, and it has caused both of your hearts to atrophy. The only cure is value creation. If you regularly ask for her feedback on how you are doing and sincerely focus your efforts to provide what she needs emotionally, I think you will begin to see a change in her attitude. But be patient. It may take some time.”
What Does Your Team Need from You?
If you’ve never asked your team members what they need from you, maybe you could.
It’s a simple question.
Good leaders want to know how they can serve their teams better. They don’t guess or speculate. They ask. Sometimes the expectations are irrational or difficult to meet. In those cases, good leaders know how to reset the expectations. Often asking the question can lead to new ways in which the leader can facilitate a healthier team dynamic or remove barriers that are obstructing stellar performance. Sometimes they cannot solve a problem, but they can provide a listening ear or an empathetic response that lets another person know they have their best interest at heart.
If you want to be successful, then focus on making everyone around you successful and your success will be guaranteed. If you want to be happy, then focus on making those around you happy by creating value for them and your happiness will follow. I can tell you from personal experience that I am the happiest as a spouse when my wife is happy. A happy wife makes for a happy life! I am happiest as a parent when my children are doing well and are happy. And I am happiest as a team leader when my team members are finding happiness and fulfillment in their work. But I won’t know if they are happy, or what I can do to make the atmosphere more conducive for healthy relationships, if I don’t ask.
Leaders who ask their team members specifically what support they need in order to excel typically demonstrate a depth of character and emotional maturity. Those who respond as value creators know how to cultivate stable relationships and tend to have happier teams. And you can tell a lot about the character of a leader by looking at the faces of their team members.
Let’s Face It
Months passed. I stayed engaged with John and his team. Our coaching time together was equally distributed between fostering a more collaborative and inspiring work environment and attempting to save his marriage. He worked tirelessly on both fronts. And what he discovered in the process was that the same approach he was using to mend his wife’s heart also worked with his team. In a very real sense, the lessons he was learning at home he was able to apply in the marketplace. His wife was essentially becoming his most valuable business coach. And she knew absolutely nothing about the business. But she knew a lot about him and what he needed to do to foster healthy relationships.
The more he leaned into his wife and listened to her with a commitment to change himself and become a value creator, the more effectively he began to relate to his team members. Rather than posturing and protecting, he began moving differently in his world. He welcomed feedback. In fact, he asked for it. And he took to heart what he heard and made a conscientious effort to move in more positive ways.
When the holiday season rolled around, the office threw a party. John’s wife came for the celebration. It was the first time anyone could remember her ever attending. But there she was at his side. Shortly after the festivities began, John came over and introduced me to his wife, Susan.
“I’m so happy to finally meet you,” she said, beaming with a smile that put the lights on the Christmas tree to shame. “John has told me so much about you and your work with the team. I just have to say thank you for all you have done for John. You have truly made a difference in our world.”
“Well, thank you for your kind words, but John is the one who has done all the work,” I responded. “And it’s truly a pleasure to meet you. I have to tell you that I love your smile. You know, I can tell a lot about the character of a man by looking at the face of his wife. And from what I can see, you have a good man at your side!”
As they excused themselves and began to walk away, I grabbed John’s arm and whispered in his ear, “That’s a very impressive billboard!”
He smiled.
››GAINING TRACTION: Questions for Consideration & Application