As human beings, our job in life is to help people realize how rare and valuable each one of us really is, that each of us has something that no one else has—or ever will have—something inside that is unique to all time. It’s our job to encourage each other to discover that uniqueness and to provide ways of developing its expression.
—Fred Rogers
Performance appraisals have become standard business practice. Performance management systems are employed to manage and align an organization’s resources to achieve its highest possible performance. These evaluations have historically been conducted annually, but many organizations are now moving toward more frequent review cycles. A growing body of evidence suggests that the more frequent the feedback, the more “on task” individuals and teams tend to be.
In my experience, highly performing teams receive the benefit of continual coaching. The more frequently the leader can provide insightful feedback, aligning personal passion and organizational objectives, the more productive individuals and teams will be. This means leaders must make it a priority to be engaged in open, candid, and continual conversations with those whom they lead. Frequently, these conversations need to be RAW.
The term RAW refers to frank and candid conversation. RAW is an acrostic that incorporates the three components of this type of developmental conversation: reality, advancement, and wrestling. It may sometimes be painful, but it’s real, authentic, and to the heart. Providing RAW feedback is to pursue authenticity one conversation at a time. Strong cultures are crafted by providing continual feedback and making necessary adjustments. RAW conversations put issues and suspicions out on the table so they may be adequately addressed, allowing for transparency and hopefully reinforcing trust. Organizations that employ RAW conversations effectively create environments conducive to employees believing the best in one another.
RAW conversations are developmental conversations designed to provide encouragement, coaching, and correction. According to Gallup, few workers believe their managers lead in an inspirational way by developing them and helping them grow. Yet Gallup estimates that managers account for at least 70 percent of variance in employee engagement across business units.1 Part of the reason for this could be directly attributed to the fact that many leaders are intimidated by the prospect of confronting those who are poorly performing and offering the resources necessary for them to improve. There is an obvious need for leaders to sharpen their skill sets when it comes to offering clear and constructive feedback.
The Purpose of RAW Conversations
RAW conversations are conducted for personal developmental purposes and relational centering. They are to be conducted one-on-one, precipitated when an individual is in need of correction, coaching, mentoring, or encouragement. These conversations are not limited to a leader and a direct report. They may be between colleagues and peers or can even be used to “coach up” throughout the organization. The purpose of a RAW conversation is threefold and is captured in the acrostic of the name itself.
1. Reveal reality.
Leadership at its best deals in reality. Good leaders do not spin, hedge, or distort reality. Reality is not what you may think or want to think it is. Reality is not what you hope or would prefer to believe it to be. It is not what you wish or pray it should be. But reality is seeing any situation for what it actually is.
Edwin Friedman states it best when he writes, “In any situation, the person who can most accurately describe reality without laying blame will emerge as the leader, whether designated or not.” Essentially, what Friedman is saying is that those with good leadership skills call it like it is. Good leadership does not avoid addressing the elephant in the room or deflect from the issue at hand by attempting to create an alternate reality.
In the south, we are fond of saying, “Whatever is down in your well will eventually come up in your bucket.” It’s just another way of saying that reality always shows up. It’s just a matter of time. And when it does, the person who has most accurately described it will emerge the leader.
Sometimes leaders are afraid to call it as they see it. They may be fearful that their perspective is skewed. They may be fearful of offending someone. They may be engaged in corporate politics or attempting to remain politically correct. Whatever the reason, few leaders have the intestinal fortitude to simply speak the truth. The consequences of being disingenuous or too cowardly to address reality are too numerous to set forth at this time. Suffice it to say that reality will ultimately rule. Therefore, it’s in everyone’s best interest to identify and deal with reality effectively. Good leaders are ruthless about dealing in reality.
RAW conversations, when conducted appropriately, accurately describe reality. In doing so, they serve as beacons of light to illuminate the path of personal development and team productivity.
2. Advance creative dialogue.
The second purpose of RAW conversations is to advance the conversation by exploring creative options. These conversations serve to adequately address the issue and ignite productive dialogue.
RAW conversations are not monologues in which the leader speaks and the other person simply listens and takes note. As a matter of fact, a good leader will ask exploratory questions and then listen intently. Leaders often feel as though they are expected to have the answers and so they speak more often than they listen. But great leaders know how to lead exploratory conversations through the art of asking powerful questions and then listening intently. They don’t tell—they inquire. They help others grow by allowing them to come up with their own answers and empowering them to take ownership in finding solutions.
At the same time, these developmental conversations need to be forward-facing. RAW conversations are used to move the dialogue forward, not simply parse the past. Often leaders use coaching conversations to do post-mortem evaluations, dissecting every element of a failed endeavor. This is supposedly done so that mistakes are not repeated. More often than not, though, those involved ruminate on faults and assign blame, casting aspersions on those involved. The only reason to look to the past is for insight, not indictment.
If RAW conversations relate to the past, they do so for the purpose of discussing ideas and methodology, not assassinating persons. Eleanor Roosevelt is often attributed for having said, “Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.” For our purposes, I would slightly modify the quote to say, “Powerful conversations explore creative options; poor conversations debate problems; worthless conversations indict people.”
RAW conversations work issues through to completion. They take the problem to the mat and stay with it until the problem taps out. In RAW conversations, both parties are committed to staying engaged until there is complete resolution.
Sometimes people prefer a problem they can’t solve to a solution that they don’t like. They get stuck. A RAW conversation can coach them out of a rut. At other times, poor performance or relational conflict may need to be addressed. Whatever the case, the end result should always be to find a solution to the problem.
RAW conversations are not always easy to conduct. At first, those involved may feel like they are entering a tunnel of chaos. But if they stay there long enough, and can conduct themselves with emotional maturity, they will soon begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Staying engaged in this process takes boldness and tenacity. But those who are willing to pursue this type of authenticity value both relationships and community to the degree that they refuse to stop short of resolution.
Be forewarned: not all RAW conversations have a positive outcome. The outcome is usually conditioned by the presence of humility and maturity. Humility in that both parties are willing to acknowledge and own whatever part of the problem they can honestly accept. Both parties must be mature enough to handle the conversation in such a way as not to provoke the other or become emotionally volatile. If maturity and humility are both present, then relational harmony and personal growth are often the result of RAW conversations.
The RAW Process
We have spoken about the purpose, so now let’s discuss the process of a RAW conversation. Like its purpose, there are three steps in the process.
1. Reflect reality.
Those who initiate the conversation must state, in clear and compelling terms, reality as they see it. Avoidance of any issue will only postpone the inevitable. Remember, reality always shows up. Many times these conversations are akin to a person holding up a mirror so they can see themselves as others do. Each of us has blind spots, and we may not see the negative wake we are leaving in our relational worlds. RAW conversations provide light and insight, showing how we can more effectively move in our relational hemisphere.
2. Advance the issue.
The focus of a RAW conversation must always be to build a brighter future. Relationships are risky. But the people who have the greatest impact on us are those who believe the best in us, want the best for us, and expect the best from us.
Expecting the best means we don’t let one another settle for less than our best. If we are committed to one another, then we owe it to one another to confront when necessary, coach when helpful, and encourage when needed. Advancing means calling out the very best in each other and challenging each other to stretch beyond what we may believe to be the limits of our capability. The desired result of a RAW conversation should always be growth.
3. Wrestle to resolution.
Don’t jump out of the ring. Stay engaged until the problem is taken to the mat and taps out. If the conversation turns emotional, you may need to postpone the match for a short time. But both parties must commit to not abandoning the process before completion. Completion means you have adequately addressed the issues, found solutions, and the relationship remains intact. Don’t settle for conflict management. Who wants to continue to manage a relationship fraught with conflict? Stay engaged until you reach a resolution. When resolution is properly sought, the issue is clearly identified, candidly discussed, and a commitment has been made to take corrective action. Additionally, resources have been identified to ensure the success of the process. And frequent follow-up should also be a commitment in order to monitor progress.
Preparing for a RAW Conversation
RAW conversations can be challenging. Properly preparing for them is essential to their success. So, now let’s look at four elements you must evaluate before engaging in this type of developmental conversation.
Check Yourself
It’s important that you approach each conversation with the right motivation. Why do you want to engage in this discussion? If the reason is anything other than to help the other person grow, put the conversation on hold. Sometimes leaders just want to get something off their chest. Maybe they feel like they need to put someone in their place. Or they may just need to vent. None of these are good reasons to have a developmental conversation. RAW conversations should not be punitive. They may eventually include boundaries if certain behaviors do not change, but the hope is for them to be helpful in tone and content. The goal should always be growth and restoration. You should not approach them with any ill will toward the recipient.
Your ego needs to be checked at the door. This is not about making a statement as much as it’s an attempt to provide helpful fodder for developmental coaching. If your motivation is right and the conversation is effective, then the end result should be deeper trust, respect, and connection between you and the other individual.
Know Your Audience
If your motivation is right, then the first questions you should ask are: What does this person need from me right now to be more successful? What helpful insight, coaching byte, or reflection would be most advantageous? What is the best way I can help this person grow? This is not merely about what the leader wants in terms of production but rather what needs to be revealed in order to inspire the individual to bring their best to the table.
It would also serve you well to know the emotional state of the person you are engaging in this conversation. Is the timing right? We all deal with struggles occasionally that knock us off-kilter emotionally. Is this a good time to address this topic? Would it be more advantageous to wait until after a particular deadline has passed? What kind of stress is this person under right now? All these are good questions to consider. The content of the conversation may be spot-on, but if the timing is bad, then the impact can easily be lost. Even if the conversation cannot be postponed, at least you can enter into it with sensitivity.
Crystalize the Message
What is the singular point of the conversation? RAW conversations are not conducted in a shotgun fashion. Vague generalities will not provide the kind of clear coaching necessary to curb poor behavior or improve lackluster performance. You must be clear, concise, and compelling in your communication. There is no room for ambiguity. You must know exactly what attitude or behavior needs to be addressed and explore that thoroughly from their perspective.
While there must be a clear point to this encounter, ideally you will get to the point in a masterfully circuitous way. The art of the RAW conversation lies not in the telling but in the asking. Good leaders ask probing and powerful questions to guide the conversation into exploratory waters. These questions lead the other party to greater self-awareness and allow them to take ownership of the change process.
People grow into the conversations we create around them. And the best way to start a conversation is to ask great questions. Questions allow the other person to think through and own their answers. Great questions can serve as channel markers, pointing the way to open water and keeping the conversation from running aground.
Through great questions we seek understanding. They provide the opportunity for explanation and exploration. If used effectively, they are nonthreatening yet can lead the way into substantive conversation.
For RAW conversations to have the desired impact, it’s essential that you have a game plan. Like a coach who knows the game, the field of play, and the opposition, a good leader knows which questions will likely advance the conversation down the field. Questions should be crafted in advance to maximize the opportunity.
Here are just a few questions you can use to ignite a RAW conversation (these are simply examples and may be modified to suit a specific situation):
And be sure to avoid the following questions:
Questions that seek to assign blame, cast aspersions, or remove responsibility from the person being addressed are not helpful. Stick with forward-facing questions that reinforce the fact that ownership of the issue lies squarely with the individual you have engaged in the RAW conversation. Questions should be crafted to help that person assess, diagnose, and take action to rectify the situation.
Now that we have looked at the purpose of and process and preparation for a RAW conversation, it may be helpful to provide a leader’s checklist of components that must be in place for a RAW conversation to have full impact.
RAW Conversation Leader’s Checklist
___ Have the conversation in private. Praise people in public. Provide correction and coaching in private. When you have something good to say about someone, it can be amplified when expressed to the masses. But when you have a challenge or conflict, or there is need for correction, have those conversations in private. As the leader, you want to provide a safe environment to ensure the conversation is productive.
___ Clarify the issue. As mentioned previously, clarifying the issue is best done through the use of exploratory questions. By giving the individual the opportunity to process and respond to the question, you are allowing them to gain greater self-awareness. However, if that serves to be unproductive, then you may need to clearly articulate the concerns.
___ Provide specific examples of the behavior you see that needs to change. The key here is what you see. This cannot be information from a third party or hearsay. You cannot and should not try to speak for someone else. Whether to reinforce the other person’s assessment or to clarify your own position, the more clearly you can illustrate the issue, the more helpful it will be.
___ Describe the emotional impact of the issue. Every experience in life is emotionally framed. Words and actions have an emotional impact on others. It’s the wake that is left behind someone’s actions. Sometimes others need to be shown that wake clearly. Often people simply don’t slow down long enough to smell their own exhaust. It’s important for them to realize how they are impacting the people and environments in which they move.
___ Clarify what is at risk. RAW conversations identify what is at stake if corrective action is not taken. If the issue goes unaddressed, then it could have a negative impact on the individual, the team, or the organization at large. If corrective action is not taken, then it may also have repercussions related to future responsibilities and employment options. All of this should be spelled out and a course of action specified.
___ If appropriate, identify your contribution to the problem. It may be necessary for you as the leader to acknowledge that part of the problem may have been your responsibility. This is not meant in any way to be disingenuous. If it’s not true, don’t say it. If you assume responsibility erroneously, it could very likely enable bad behavior. However, if there is reason, then you must own whatever role you may have played in the problem.
___ Partner to come to resolution. The pivot point in the conversation is when you offer the resources and emotional support to adequately address the issue. This allows the recipient to know that you are truly on their side and have their best interest at heart. Pointing out the issue isn’t enough. Providing the necessary support, coaching, and resources to effectively resolve the issue is what will determine the success of the outcome.
___ Follow up frequently. These conversations may fail to produce long-lasting positive change if you are not committed to engage until the process is complete. Periodic checkpoints should be established to monitor progress and ensure that adequate resources are available.
There are several mistakes that leaders commonly make when having these developmental dialogues. The purpose of highlighting these errors is to simply help you avoid these pitfalls. If you want your RAW conversation to have maximum impact, then avoid these missteps:
RAW conversations are not always easy, but they are necessary. If people grow into the conversations that we create around them, then the quality of those conversations will determine the quality and depth of our relationships. Many individuals, teams, and organizations settle for superficial relationships. But healthy people and strong cultures require substantive interpersonal dialogue. RAW conversations are a way that people express a commitment to helping others realize how rare and valuable they are.
Through thoughtful and constructive developmental dialogue, we can help one another grow and mature as individuals and as leaders. But it means we must care enough about someone to leave our comfort zone and risk a relationship for their benefit and growth. Healthy relationships demand that we not settle for conflict management. We must stay engaged until there is conflict resolution. We must have the moral and intestinal fortitude to stay in the tunnel of chaos until we see light.
When approached with openness and humility, RAW conversations can be an extremely impactful tool in a leader’s toolbox. When wielded with skill, RAW conversations can lead to personal growth and development and yield highly functioning teams. When done effectively, RAW conversations render performance reviews nothing more than a record of prior developmental conversations, which should be happening continually.
››GAINING TRACTION: Questions for Consideration & Application