Chapter • 15

“I think I might have to shoot him. Or myself.”

“Darla Jean Randall, what a thing to say.” Brad laid a hand on her knee and squeezed.

“I second that.” Joe stood on her other side.

DJ didn’t dare touch her cheeks for fear she would burn her finger tips. “At least he didn’t dump me.”

“True, that’s one good thing to be thankful for.”

“I was so scared of him doing it that he probably read my mind.” She could remember telling Amy she’d die of embarrassment if a horse ever did this to her. Ha, so she didn’t die. She was still alive even though she wanted to burrow under the dirt and under the fence to someplace beyond the grounds before she came up for air.

Brad and Joe both looked up at her like she’d done something amazing. “I think you just hit the nail on the head, my girl. Did you tell John about that?”

“Tell him what? That horse can’t read my mind.”

“But he can read your body signals. Did you tell Bridget?”

DJ looked down at her grandfather. “You think I’d tell Bridget something like that?” Her voice squeaked on the final word.

Jackie stood on the other side of Brad. “DJ, you and I need to have a serious discussion.”

Herndon snorted and shifted. She felt like clobbering him. Jumping Major was so much easier.

“Well, let’s get out of here.” She knew she should wait and see Tony’s round, but right now all she wanted to do was go home.

With Herndon loaded in the trailer, Jackie laid a hand on DJ’s arm. “About that discussion?”

DJ made a face. “I know. You’re going to say I should have told you or John or Bridget that, but I think I just figured it out for myself. How can I tell someone else when I don’t know it?”

“Good point.” Jackie gave her a hug. “But we want to make sure you know you can tell us anything. Anything, DJ, and we will do our best to help.”

“I know.” DJ scratched her ear. “Sometimes I think I am totally confused.”

“Join the club. DJ, you’ve got to understand and remember: No matter what our emotion is—and fear is a strong one—our body communicates that with really subtle signals. Animals and some people are good at reading this.”

“Well, if I’d understood it, I would have said something.”

Oh really? her inner voice said with a devious chuckle.

“Mom, I think I need to go see Gran,” DJ said after the family had returned from church the next morning.

“Sure. Is there something I can help you with?”

“Maybe, but …” DJ scrunched her mouth from one side to the other. “S’pose I better call and see if she’s home, huh?” But Gran’s phone rang until the answering machine picked up. DJ set the receiver back in the cradle. She didn’t want to talk to an answering machine.

She couldn’t settle in to finish another sketch of Stormy, either. And Amy had gone somewhere with her family. Maybe Joe and Gran were working outside and just didn’t hear the phone.

“I’m going for a bike ride,” she called. When no one answered, she stopped at the door to the garage. The house was amazingly quiet. From the deck she could hear the boys out at the barn with Robert. She took the stairs, but instead of going to her room, crossed to her parents’ wing. She peeked in the door to see her mother sound asleep. Getting her bike out, she wheeled it out to the barn and told Robert she was taking a ride.

“Can we come?” The boys wriggled all over just like the dog between them.

DJ started to say no, but the pleading looks on their round faces did her in. “All right, but get your helmets.”

“Where are you going?” Robert leaned on the shovel handle.

“To see if Joe and Gran are working outside. I called, but there was no answer.”

“Is something wrong?”

Not if you don’t include the fact that Herndon and I can’t make it around the jumping arena without him running out on me. “No.” She paused. “Yes, but I’m not sure what it is. I thought maybe Gran could help me sort it out.”

“She and Joe are both good at that. If they’re not home, why not come by and get me and I’ll ride with you. Maybe we could go up to the Briones parking lot and up the trail.”

“Okay.” DJ took her helmet from the bars of her bike and set it on her head. With the chin strap latched, she rode back to where the helmeted boys were wheeling their bikes out of the garage. This would be a good chance to start them on riding lessons. She sent the thought flying. She had a feeling patience wouldn’t be her strongest trait right then.

No Explorer in the driveway, no one answering their knock, no one working in the yard. The boys groaned, and DJ felt like groaning, too. But the ride up into the park cleared her head, and the antics of the twins made her laugh again.

The next day after school and lunch, DJ and Gran meandered out to the rose garden on the west side of Gran’s house. Together they sank to their knees, pulling weeds with gloved hands and snipping off the dead blossoms.

“So what seems to be the problem?” Gran took a sniff of a creamy Peace rose and closed her eyes in delight. “Smell this.”

DJ did and smiled back at her grandmother.

“Good, huh?”

DJ sighed and nodded. “I wish I knew what the problem was with my jumping Herndon.” She dug out a dandelion and tossed it into the weed bucket. “I think I’m doing everything right, and still we get in trouble. Saturday I kind of said something offhand about being afraid.” She glanced at her hand. “No, not about the fire thing, but about Herndon running out in public and embarrassing me to death. Do you think he could be picking up on that?”

Gran sat back on her knees. “Could be. Animals are terribly prescient.” At DJ’s questioning look, Gran smiled. “They can intuitively sense what we are feeling. Could be a smell, or small actions we aren’t aware of, even facial expressions. Even though Herndon hasn’t been with you very long, he could sense a quiver of fear.”

“Hmm.” DJ crossed her legs and rested her elbows on her knees.

“Why would his running out embarrass you so? I’ve seen it happen to lots of riders. They keep coming back, and they don’t look like they are wearing a tattoo that spells idiot or some such.”

“Just a permanent red face.”

“Call it sunburn.”

“I just don’t trust him.”

“Nor he you, it seems.”

DJ nodded and picked a blade of grass. She nibbled the tender end of it while she thought. “Do you think any or all of my fears are connected somehow?”

“Another good question. I’ve been praying for God to help you deal with your fears, and recognizing them is always the first step. Maybe what’s happening is you’re beginning to recognize them.”

DJ looked over at her grandmother. “I … I get so aggravated. With myself—why can’t I get this? And with Herndon—why can’t he behave like Major?” She shook her head. “I just don’t get it.”

“Remember, darlin’, we prayed for wisdom for you, and I believe it is coming. You are doing some deep thinking and feeling and seeking. God honors our seeking hearts. And He loves you far more than you or I will ever understand. All we can do is live in His love and thank Him for it.”

“I do—thank Him, I mean. Oh, not all the time, but more often than I used to. It’s just this fear thing. He says not to be afraid.”

Gran nodded. “He also says ‘I love you’ with an unending love and that we can take shelter in Him.”

“I’m not sure I know how to do that.”

“By taking time to sit and talk with Him. Picture yourself sitting at Jesus’ knee, like you do mine.” Gran smiled. “I tell myself that I am living in the shelter of God himself, and I keep saying it until I believe it.”

“Cool, huh?” DJ rocked back, her hands clasped around her knees.

“Way, way cool.” She watched an orange-and-black butterfly flit from one rose blossom to another. She could hear bees buzzing about their business. Such perfect peace.

DJ tossed the blade of grass away as her feet hit the ground again. “It’s silly to be afraid of being embarrassed because your horse might run out. If I’m going to be an Olympic rider, it will probably happen hundreds of times over the years.”

“There, you’ve said it. No one ever died of embarrassment, at least not that I know of. Nor aggravation, either.”

DJ grinned and tossed a blade of grass at her grandmother. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome. Now, let’s see if we can make a dent in the weeds here before you have to head for the Academy.”

By the first of July Major had no trace of a limp. DJ called the vet in Palo Alto and told him the news.

“That’s very good,” Dr. Jones said. “I never expected him to recover this fast, if at all. He could very easily have limped for the rest of his life.”

“Do you think I can ride him again?”

“I don’t know why not, as long as you walk him first or put him on the hot walker for a while to see how he takes the exercise. I wouldn’t try jumping him again.”

“No, I didn’t plan on that. But I know he misses the … the …” She wasn’t sure what, but Major sometimes looked as if he’d lost his last friend when he saw her with Herndon.

“Have you let him out on pasture yet?”

“Yes, and he even gets down to roll.”

“That’s good news.”

DJ hung up and ambled outside. Major stood with his head over the fence, watching the boys play with General. The boys, the dog, and the pony spent more time together than anyone. They had taught General to bow down, and the sight of dog and pony bowing to a boy trying his best not to giggle made everyone laugh.

“He’s jealous.” DJ picked up her drawing pad and flipped the page from the drawing she’d been working on. “And he’s just too big for the boys.” Quickly she sketched in Major, trying for his dejected look. Then she flipped a page again and roughed in the four bowing to each other. Drawing people was much more difficult than drawing horses. Even dogs were easier. But at least she had the rough. She’d ask Gran to help with the boys. If she could make this work, it would look great in the card line.

When she bathed Herndon on Friday to get ready for the show, she felt that niggle of fear turn her stomach queasy again. Had that really been the problem? Her fear infecting her horse? Guess we’ll find out tomorrow. She scraped him down and led him back to his stall, where she buckled his sheet in place and began braiding his mane.

DJ and Herndon had had a whole week of willing jumping. In the jumping arena at Briones, he sailed over the jumps with room to spare, even the odd ones that Bridget and Joe concocted to make him run out. Which was why DJ hadn’t canceled their entry.

She had trouble going to sleep that night, but after praying for everyone and everything she could think of, she didn’t check the time again. Until she woke up sweating, still hearing the horses screaming. A barn had been on fire again, and Major was trapped inside. Her face felt hot, like she’d been right next to the blaze, and her throat hurt like she’d been breathing smoke.

Still shaking, DJ got up and went to the bathroom for a glass of water. She chugged one full glass and refilled it, taking the glass with her back to bed. She sat on the edge of the bed, shivering and sipping. Thoughts of Major looking so sad wouldn’t leave her alone. Major needed someone to fuss over him. But who?

The alarm went off an hour later. This time there was no dream, only heavy eyelids that didn’t want to open until the sun came up. But juniors were up first this morning, and she had three classes, two of them jumping.

While her eyes didn’t want to work, her butterflies didn’t suffer that way at all. They were already fluttering up into her throat.

While Joe and Bunny carried on a lively conversation all the way to the show, DJ went back to sleep. Her apology when she woke up made them both laugh.

“I just figured you needed some extra sleep,” Bunny said as she climbed out of the cab.

“You all right?” Joe asked.

“Sure. Thanks for letting me snooze.”

While her butterflies kicked into full performance in the warm-up ring, DJ approached the entrance to the outdoor ring with a calm spirit—at least on the outside. If Herndon misbehaved, she’d try to figure out what she did wrong and not do it again. …

Nothing. If DJ didn’t know better, she’d have thought she was riding a different horse. Herndon showed off like he’d been born for the ring. They’d taken a third in Open Equitation and a first in Hunter Seat. Now for the jumping.

“That should make you feel better,” Joe said, smiling up at her and stroking Herndon’s neck.

“It does, but we only got that because he’s so showy.”

“Not true. It takes two, and you did a good job out there.”

“Thanks.” She sucked in a deep breath. Junior Hunter Over Fences was next. “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” She repeated the verse again and took in a deep breath. No fear. She thought of the verse Joe had given her earlier in the week. Something about God not giving a spirit of fear but of … She thought hard. Why had she had such a hard time memorizing it?

“Joe, what was that verse?” At his blank look, she began, “Not a spirit of fear but …”

Joe finished it for her. “But a spirit of power and love and self-control.”

“Good.”

“They’re calling your number.”

“I know.” She took in another breath, smiled down at Joe, patted Herndon’s neck, and trotted into the ring. She picked up a canter and circled toward the first jump. A simple post and rail, three feet high. Come on, we can do this. She could feel the power beneath her, indeed strength under control.

But what if I don’t do it right?

Herndon’s forward surge of power dropped, like someone had cut it right in half.

Like the shutter of a camera, she saw the click in her head. That’s it.

Hands, legs, seat, mind.

DJ saw her stride. She squeezed her legs and felt her own strength return. Hands, legs, seat, mind. Herndon’s power returned, just like throwing a light switch. Three, two, one. Lift off. Her arms followed up his neck. She could feel the surge of power as Herndon used himself to the fullest, his back rounded, DJ up over his withers where she belonged.

I’m with him! She wanted to shout it for all the world to hear. All other jumps had been only preparation for this. She could hardly keep from laughing out loud in sheer ecstasy.

Thank you, God!

She looked to the next jump, turning her head slightly to the right.

Herndon touched down on the right lead just like he needed to take the right turn and stride to the in and out. Three, two, one. And over. The other seven fences rolled under them as if Herndon could jump the moon.

The final jump looked huge, like a concrete wall three stories tall.

Herndon’s ears pricked forward. He snorted. Three, two, one, and they sailed again. Higher he flew, clearing the four-foot jump by another foot.

They could have cleared a barn.

DJ couldn’t quit laughing.

“The click, it happened! Did you see it? I can’t believe it. That was the most awesome thing I’ve ever done.” Words poured out of her, punctuated by bursts of laughter. “We did it!”

They took second place after two jump-offs, but DJ didn’t care that they didn’t get first. The sensation of control, of using her hands and feet the way she now knew she needed to. To ride this horse of hers like he deserved to be ridden.

“Thank you, thank you very much,” she said to the ring steward as she accepted her ribbon. They trotted out the gate to a burst of applause. People on all sides of the arena shouted and clapped. Had their success been that obvious?

“You big handsome hunk of horseflesh,” she said to his flickering ears and leaned forward to hug him.

“I hate to say I told you so, but …” Joe sported again.

“I know, you told me so.” DJ dismounted and led Herndon over to the fence where her family stood, Gran included.

“DJ, you gots three ribbons today.” Bobby held up two fingers on one hand and one on the other.

“Looked to me like you were having a good time out there.” Robert, his arm around Lindy’s shoulders, said with a smile.

“So was he.” Lindy stroked Herndon’s nose. “You are one handsome dude, you know that?”

DJ and Gran looked at each other, eyebrows disappearing in their hair. Her mother was not only talking to a horse but petting it. Without being coached.

A man who looked familiar waited just past the exit gate, next to Joe.

“Young lady, I just wanted to tell you congratulations. I’ve been watching you since your first show this year, and you’ve come a long way. I believe you have a real future in this sport if you keep working like you have been.”

“Thank you.” Only as he finished speaking did DJ put a face to the memory. The man who’d said she needed a decent horse.

Joe winked at her.

“I plan to keep on working hard.” DJ watched him walk away. She sure did plan on continuing to work hard. They’d clicked; she’d gotten it. She finally understood what Bridget and John and Jackie had been talking about.

Wait until Bridget heard this story. If only she’d been here today. But more of the Academy kids were showing at another show, and she’d felt she needed to be there. Brad had missed it, too. What a story she had to tell.

“Joe, I’ve been thinking.” They had unloaded the horses back at Briones and finished the evening chores. DJ slammed the truck door behind her. She and Joe ambled up the curved front walk to DJ’s house, where all the others had gathered for a barbecue.

“Uh-oh, I know that tone of voice. What now?”

“You know, now that Shawna and her mom and dad are moved in …”

Shawna was DJ’s nine-year-old cousin, daughter of Joe’s younger son, Andy. They had bought DJ’s old house.

“What do you think of me giving Major to Shawna? She’s lighter and has no dream of showing and for sure not jumping. She needs a horse and Major needs …”

“Major needs to be needed. I think that’s a fine idea. You can pasture him either here or at my house so you have him, too.”

“I thought of that.”

Joe put an arm around her shoulders. “Darla Jean Randall, you are one amazing kid—er, young woman, and I am proud to know you.”

“Thanks, same to you.”

“You’ve been letting go of a lot these last months.”

“Yeah, right. Letting go of school, letting go of free time …”

“Smart aleck.” He opened the door and ushered her in. “Hey, everybody, we’re home.”

“Billy, what happened to you?” DJ gasped at the sight of one of the twins.

“I let go too soon and fell off General.” He put his hand to the goose egg on his forehead. “Daddy says I gots to hang on better.”

DJ scooped him up in her arms and kissed his forehead. “So you’ve got to hang on longer, and I’ve got to let go sooner. Let’s eat, I’m starved.”

“And then we have fireworks.” Billy put his palms on either side of DJ’s face.

“I guess. What’s the Fourth of July without sparklers? But you have to be careful.”

Billy nodded. “We’s always careful.”

DJ shook her head and let him slide to the ground. “Yeah, right. And I’m Ronald McDonald.” The three of them laughed their way into the house.