“Is it all right if I steal away your daughter?” Bridget had tracked Lindy down in the kitchen.
Lindy nodded. “I guess, if you promise to bring her back.”
“Eventually.” Bridget finished the last swallow of her iced tea and nodded to DJ. “Come along, ma petite. I have something to show you.”
Wish I dared to say no. All I want is a nap. Why am I so tired all the time? “Okay.” You did not argue with Bridget. DJ had learned that long ago. And you didn’t make excuses, either. That was a lesson she’d learned not so long ago.
“So how are you—really?” Bridget shifted gears and checked the traffic both ways while waiting for DJ to answer.
You mean after I just spent an hour screaming at my tutor, or do you mean in general? DJ almost said “Fine,” but Bridget could pick up on a lie faster than DJ’s mother could. By the time DJ had argued every side of the question, all without saying a word, a sigh escaped.
“Not good?”
“No, I mean yes.” Though DJ had conquered the fingernail-biting habit that had plagued her for years, right now she would have given anything to be able to chew her cuticles. That is, if she would ever have cuticles and fingernails again. She curled and flexed her fingers, using the movement both as a distraction and because she knew it would help—eventually.
“Let me guess. You are scared you will not be able to ride again.” Bridget glanced at DJ for confirmation.
DJ nodded.
“You are angry that your hands are not responding as fast as you think they should.”
Another nod.
“Anything else?”
“What if I can’t even draw?” DJ’s voice squeaked on the final word.
“Of course, that, too. Anything else?”
DJ took in a deep breath and told Bridget about the session with her tutor.
“Ah, ma petite, do you still not know that you do not have to do it all alone? Talking this out with older and wiser heads is the only way to keep your sanity. Everyone who experiences major traumas and setbacks feels this way. It is normal. But withdrawing is the most dangerous of responses. I was hoping to see you at the barns by now, dreaming of riding, at least being with the other kids and the horses.”
“It hurts too bad.” DJ spoke into her shirt front.
“Your hands?”
“No. Inside.”
“Ah.” Bridget parked her truck to face the outside jumping arena at Briones Riding Academy. A woman DJ didn’t know was taking her horse through the training jumps. “Annie is new since you have been gone. I am sure you will like her.”
The horse in the arena ran out to the left on the first jump of the triple, and the woman cantered around to bring him straight back at the jump. He ran out again.
“What is she doing wrong?” Bridget asked DJ.
“She’s distracted. She didn’t bring him in straight.”
“What else?”
“She dropped him on the takeoff, and she needs to keep him between her hands and legs. Might be using too much leg on the off side.” How many times had she heard Bridget tell her those very same words?
“Now, how do you know that?”
“Repetition. You kept telling me.”
“Did you conquer the bad habits?”
“Hope so.”
“Did you get Herndon to keep from running out?”
“Most of the time. I have to remind myself to concentrate, to count, to do all the things right.”
“Beating this new obstacle will take the same dedication you have always shown. This is a bump in the road, DJ, not an insurmountable chasm.”
Some bump. It feels more like a mountain. Make that a range of mountains.
“I want you here starting next week. Your students are champing at the bit for you to return. I will give you one more class to teach until you are back to riding. When is Brad bringing Herndon back down?”
DJ shrugged. “Don’t know.”
“Do you want to stop in and see the kids?”
No, not the way I am.
“You do not have to, not today. But they really miss you. We all do.”
“Can I go home now?”
“Yes. But Monday you will be here, correct?”
“I guess.” DJ glanced up to catch a look—was it sorrow, pity, disgust?—that Bridget quickly erased from her face. “Thank you for bringing me.”
“You are most welcome. I have three more little girls who want to learn to ride, and there is also a beginning jumping class. Which do you want?”
“By myself?”
“Why not?”
Why not? Why not? I can’t saddle a horse or even brush one. … I can’t—
Bridget stopped the truck in the turnaround in front of DJ’s house. “I will see you. And, DJ, this, too, shall pass.”
“Thanks. That’s what everyone keeps telling me.” DJ tried to open the door but couldn’t get her fingers around the handle, so Bridget came around to open the door for her. Right, “this will pass.”
DJ waved and watched Bridget drive off before limping up the walk. Her ankle ached with each step, so by the time she reached the door, all she could think of was lying down with her friend the ice pack. She stared at the door handle. No way was she going to ring the bell for help. She tried with one hand but couldn’t cup it around the knob enough to turn it. She tried the other hand. No better.
Some names for the doorknob strutted through DJ’s head. None of them were names her mother would approve of. She gritted her teeth. So ring the bell, gimp, and get help. They tell you to ask for help.
Instead, DJ cupped both hands around the handle and, squeezing them as tightly as she could, slowly twisted the knob until the door swung open. Yes! At least I did something! No sounds in the house. Her mother must be taking a nap, and Maria … who knew what Maria would be doing.
DJ limped up the stairs to her room, one foot up a step at a time, and finally collapsed on her bed. She propped her foot up on the pillows and closed her eyes. No way could she take the pain pills by herself, and no way could she get the ice packs. Too bad. Sleep was one thing she could do on her own, by herself.
“But, Gran, it’s so hard.” DJ clenched the phone between her ear and shoulder that evening before bed.
“I know, darlin’, but you can’t let this get you down. You’re a fighter, and God’s grace will get you through this.”
A silence stretched. I think Grace took a hike and hasn’t come back yet. But DJ knew better than to say that to her grandmother. Instead, she sighed. Sighing was fast becoming a habit.
“Have you been reading your Bible and praying?”
How DJ wished she could lie and say yes. But she didn’t say anything. Gran would know.
“Ah, I see. Hard to turn the pages, isn’t it?”
If she wanted to think that, so be it. But true, all pages were hard to turn.
Gran took in a deep breath. “Okay, this is what we do.”
DJ could hear pages flipping.
“I will read, and then you will repeat after me, okay?”
“ ’Kay.”
“ ‘You have not because you do not ask … Ask for whatever you wish, and it will be done for you.’ ”
DJ’s mind played with the words. “ ‘You do not have, because you do not ask.’ ” Have I been asking?
“Have you been asking?”
“Asking for what?”
“Well, what do you need the most right now?”
“My fingers to bend and hold things.”
“What else?”
Another silence.
Gran read the verse again. “Now repeat after me.” She read it again, phrase by phrase, and DJ echoed her.
“Now, I want you to think on these things as you go to sleep tonight. Will you do that?”
“I’ll try.” Oops. Bridget would get her for that. “I … I mean yes, I will.”
And she did. Thinking on those words brought up other thoughts, along with tears, as DJ sobbed herself to sleep. That night there were no nightmares.
The next afternoon, after a morning of schoolwork, exercises, and frustration, DJ woke from her nap to hear the twins coming down the hall.
“Shh, DJ’s sick.”
“She’s sleeping.”
DJ threw back her covers and sat up. “No, she’s not. DJ needs a hug— er, two hugs.”
Giggles preceded two round faces with dancing blue eyes and wide grins. The boys threw themselves on her bed and snuggled next to her with their arms around her and hers around them. Queenie yipped and danced her way right into the middle, ecstatic at having three faces to lick all so close together.
“So how was school?”
“Arthur threw up at lunch—”
“And he had to go home.” One finished the sentence for the other.
“Checkers the hamster got loose.”
“Did you catch him?”
“No, Andrew did. He almost stepped on Checkers.” Both boys shuddered.
“I got a blue balloon ’cause I was quiet.” Bobby dug in his pocket to show her.
DJ knew this was a major accomplishment. Bobby had a hard time sitting still for long. “Good job! Do you think you can saddle General so you can have riding lessons?”
Lindy appeared in the doorway. “I was wondering what happened to the Bs.”
“DJ’s gonna give us a riding lesson.” They bailed off the bed and ran to give Lindy strangle hugs.
“If you can cinch the saddle tight enough.”
“Good. We’ll do it all together.” The smiling look Lindy sent her daughter said more than five minutes of talking could have. “You boys change your clothes while I get snacks ready. Then it’s off to the horse we go.”
The boys charged out of the room, shouting down the hall with Queenie adding to the din.
“If only we could bottle that energy, Robert would never have to work again.” Lindy leaned against the doorjamb. “Need any help?”
“You could wrap my foot tighter.”
Lindy did as asked. “How’s that?”
“Better, since I’m gonna be walking on it.”
“I’ll take out a chair so you can sit while they ride.” Lindy stroked DJ’s head and down her shoulder. “Welcome back.”
“M-o-m.” But DJ didn’t put the full twist on the word. She knew her mother was right; she was starting to feel like her old self again.
After they ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, the boys ran ahead to get General from the pasture and snap a lead around his neck to bring him up to the barn. While DJ watched, they groomed him and tacked him up.
As usual, he puffed up his belly when they tightened the girth. So Bobby led him around, and when they came back, Lindy tightened the girth by two notches.
“Billy rides first today.” Lindy sank into one of the chairs she’d set up in the shade of the barn.
“How do you remember that stuff?” DJ stood by as Billy used the mounting block Robert had built and swung aboard.
“Checked the calendar.” Lindy ran her fingers through her hair and let it fall back into place.
DJ smiled and watched to see Billy pick up the reins, settle himself into the saddle, and squeeze his legs to signal General forward. “Very good.”
“I think we need to be looking for another horse pretty soon so they each have one.”
DJ stopped in the act of sitting down and stared at her mother. “Huh?”
“You heard me.”
“I might have heard you, but I can’t believe you really said it.” DJ watched Billy walk General around the circle that had been worn into the short pasture grass. “Keep your back straight and heels down.”
He did as she said.
“Okay, now trot when you come by us.”
General shook his head but did as the boy signaled.
“He is so good with them.” Lindy rubbed the back of DJ’s neck.
“Mmm, that feels good. Has GJ had them cantering yet?”
“Some.”
“I like to canter.” Bobby leaned against his mother’s knee.
“Okay, Billy, keep your hands together and low.”
By the end of the lesson, both boys had walked, trotted, cantered, reversed, and trotted a figure eight.
“Boy, you two have come a long way. I am really proud of you.” She rested her hands on their shoulders as they walked up to the deck. Billy turned his face and kissed her gloved fingers. The action was so swift she might have missed it had she not been watching. God, please keep me from pulling back from my family and friends. Thanks for these two and my mom and dads. Thanks that I can walk, sorta. She inhaled the scented air and let her shoulders relax on the exhale. Just thanks.
The boys bubbled like fountains at the dinner table until Robert finally made a referee’s T with his hands for a time-out. “I think you talked my ears off.” He clapped his hands over his ears. “They’re gone! I can’t find them.”
“D-a-d-d-y,” they said together, as usual.
DJ grinned at Robert’s antics and the looks on the boys’ faces.
As the boys and Maria cleared the table, Robert rose and came around to sit by DJ. “Welcome back, daughter. In spite of the short hair, you look and sound more like you than … than …” He raised his hands and dropped them. “Well, you know.”
“I think I feel more like me, too. Did mom tell you what happened?”
“Only that you went somewhere with Bridget yesterday and today you gave the boys riding lessons—which, by the way, they had much been missing. Joe tried.”
“He did a good job with them. They’re learning fast. Did Mom tell you anything else?”
Robert rested his arms on the table and turned his head to watch her. “Like what?”
“About my blowing up at Debra Allendra yesterday.”
“She mentioned it.”
“I figured I was about due to be grounded after that.”
“Well, at least you didn’t break anything, and I have a feeling Debra has heard far worse. The important thing is that you look and sound better today. If a blowup was needed, I’m glad it’s over.”
“I …” DJ shivered. “I don’t want to be like that.”
“I know.” Robert turned and took her hands in his to bend her fingers in. “You’re doing better here, can you tell?”
“Not really. But now I push the backs of the fingers from one hand into the palm of the other. That way I can work ’em myself when I’m studying or whatever.” She told him about the classes Bridget wanted her to teach. Dusk drifted down through the oak leaves. The hummingbirds drank their fill and headed off to bed. Two doves cooed up in the oak tree.
“So when are you going to start riding again?” Robert asked.
“How can I?”
“Well, you get on a horse and …”
“D-a-d.” Now she sounded almost like the twins.
“Seriously. What’s stopping you?”
DJ thought a moment. What if I fall off... or hurt my hands worse? Be honest—you know the reason. The voices ran after each other in her head, making her feel as if she were on a merry-go-round at warp speed.
“I … I’m scared.” The whisper hurt not only her throat but her soul.
Robert folded his hands over hers. “Then let’s figure out a way to do this so you won’t be scared.” He tipped her chin up with one finger so she had to look in his eyes. “And, Deej, I don’t blame you one bit. I’d be scared, too, and probably not brave enough to admit it.”
“Really?”
“Really.”
But she woke in the middle of the night certain that she had been screaming again—and falling through the air. What would it take to get back on a horse?