Another sniper column

CAPE TIMES, 8 NOVEMBER 2002

I THINK THE DANGER has passed that I shall ever be a sniper. There was a time when the thought would have been an appealing one, but I have a job now and I can afford DStv and the occasional family-sized pizza all to myself, so I just don’t have that burning resentment at the world any more.

Anyway, I was never really cut out to be a serial-killer sniper. No head for heights, for one thing. I would imagine that a sniper would have to be capable of scaling tall buildings and book depositories and suchlike, if he wanted to be the best sniper he could be – and why else would you become a sniper? Plus, I have never been a big fan of random murder. If you are going to be a serial killer, I would suggest a more focused approach. If I were about to set off on a career as public enemy number one, with all the attendant risks of capture and social embarrassment that ensue, I would make sure I was at least killing people I really wanted to kill. People who drive slowly in the fast lane, for instance, or people who use the phrase “Don’t go there”, or who employ the word “stunning” as an adjective to describe anything besides a blow to the head. If I were still young and disaffected, no one would again be able to say, “That was a stunning salad” without looking uneasily over their shoulders.

Please understand, I am under no delusion that society is ready to embrace the discriminating serial killer, but if I were a sniper and confining myself to picking off people who forward jokes by e-mail, or men who wear open-toed shoes at night, or Jamie Oliver, then at least when the fevered dreams visit in the tortured solitary hours I would be able to console myself that I have been making the world a better place.

It will be some time before the Americans stop talking about the Washington sniper. You would think with the number of serial killers at work in America they would have learnt not to overreact by now, but you would be wrong. I was still smiling at the report of the Washington DC mayor’s office advising the local citizens not to walk in a straight line while the sniper was at large, but rather to weave down the street (how would traffic officers issue on-the-spot sobriety tests? “Excuse me, sir, would you kindly zigzag on either side of that white line.”), when I read the latest cautionary warning.

Some specialist in such matters laments that the sniper might have been stopped before he sniped, had his friends and relatives only paid attention to the subtle warning signs. The subtle warning signs in this case came when he announced he was going to buy a rifle and shoot people. Apparently even once the snipings had started, and someone offered this information and the name of the sniper, it still took the Washington police several weeks and bodies before they considered him worth investigating, which should make you feel a little better about our own police force.

But the report went on to say that people should be alert for other warning signs. The public is encouraged to report individuals who show signs of depression or anger, who make threats and who display suicidal tendencies. Now really. Christmas is almost upon us. Christmas is the season of depression, anger and suicide. If you use those criteria to arrest people, there will be scarcely a family in the country left sitting around the turkey.