Larry and Janice had just loaded the last of the dinner plates into the dishwasher when the doorbell rang.
“That’s Phil and Kelly,” said Larry, “right on time for dessert and decaf.”
Their good friends had been missing in action from the last few meetings of the Last-Minute Gang. When Janice called to follow up, Kelly explained they would be out of commission for a while because Phil was having some medical problems. Kelly hadn’t been specific, and Janice hadn’t pried.
“Welcome!” Janice said as she opened the door. Her smile turned to a look of surprise when she saw Phil. The man who had been one of the most vigorous people they knew was leaning on a walker. Kelly stood beside him, holding his arm protectively.
“Oh, my goodness, Phil. Are you okay? Is there anything we need to do for you?”
“No,” said Phil with a laugh. “Just watch me gimp over to a chair, and as soon as I’m settled, everything will be fine.”
Janice saw them into the living room, where a beverage and fruit tray had been set up. “How about some decaf and a fruit plate?” asked Janice.
“That sounds great,” said Kelly.
“Pour one for me, too,” said Phil.
Larry walked in from the kitchen and stopped in his tracks when he caught sight of Phil negotiating the transition from walker to sofa.
“Good grief, Phil, what happened to my golfing buddy?”
“Well,” responded Phil. “I was walking around in my study when I suddenly got this incredible pain in my back and shooting pains down my leg. It just came out of nowhere.”
“That’s doesn’t sound good,” said Janice as she handed Phil his cup of decaf. “So what did you do?”
“In my usual way,” said Phil, “I tried to ignore it—but the pain didn’t go away. So I Googled ‘back pain’ to figure out what was going on. I tried to take care of myself by stretching and doing some floor exercises, which helped a little, but not much. When the pain got worse, I finally called our family doctor and told him what was going on.”
“And?” prompted Larry.
“My doctor said it sounded as though I had some kind of a disc problem. He said that 90 percent of the time these kinds of problems resolved on their own. He told me not to worry about it. He suggested I take some ibuprofen, rest for a few days, and then get back to him and let him know how I was doing.”
“So?” said Janice.
“Of course, I only paid half attention to what he said. Again I went online and began doing research on discs, pain in the legs, and so on. I saw that it might be something serious, but as my doctor said, 90 percent of the time it goes away. I cut back on golf and began resting more, but the pain was not going away.”
“So then what did you do?” asked Larry.
Kelly intervened. “I could tell that Phil wasn’t getting any better, so I urged him to call his doctor again. At that point his pain was so bad he was having difficulty sleeping and even having trouble getting dressed.”
Phil took a sip of coffee. “To make a long story short, I went in, got an MRI, and was told I had a herniated disc and a bunch of other bad spine stuff that comes with aging. The doc said if I didn’t have surgery, things could get worse and I might permanently lose some function in my right leg. I rested for a week and got a second opinion at the university’s medical school, but there was no way around it—I had to have surgery. I went under the knife a month ago, and here I am on the road to recovery. Some road!”
Larry and Janice exchanged a look. Larry took a deep breath and said, “Man, Phil, that sounds rough.”
Phil let out a cheerless laugh. “I’ll say. It’s been the most interesting, challenging, humbling, educational, painful, complicated experience of my life.”
“In what way?” asked Janice.
“I’ve always been a healthy guy and have never had any serious medical problems. I’d never even been in the hospital as an adult and hadn’t had an operation since my tonsillectomy when I was four years old. So going through this health crisis was not only new but also very, very scary. It might be less overwhelming for people who have been dealing with different illnesses over the years, but as someone who’s always been healthy, I took it hard. It literally knocked me off my feet.”
Larry nodded. “I can relate to that,” he said. “That’s how I felt when I got my diabetes diagnosis. What in particular was scary for you?”
“The surgery was more complicated than expected, which was frightening. My hospital stay was longer than anticipated, and all of the rosy assurances—that I’d be pain free in a few days, walking at the end of a week, back to myself in another week, and going to my office by the end of the month—proved to be overly optimistic. It scared me that I might not ever really get better.”
“Phil has been having a really hard time,” said Kelly. “He endured having to be in bed for over two weeks, which was a struggle, and he needed help getting dressed and even taking a shower. Fortunately, most of that is behind us. He hates using a walker. I feel powerless watching him try to figure out how to deal with all of this.”
Janice offered Phil a plate of grapes and sliced melon. “I know at least two other people who’ve had back problems, but they don’t talk about it very much.”
“I can understand why,” said Phil. “As we’ve shared my experience with others, we’re finding out that back issues are fairly common. In fact, back pain is the leading cause of disability in Americans over forty-five, and as many as one in three people are going to have a back problem at some point after they’re sixty-five.”
“You said this has been a learning experience,” said Larry. “In what way?”
“I’m learning that I’m not as infallible as I thought. I’m learning what it’s really like to be in pain. I’m learning how to ask for help. I learned how to take a shower sitting down and have Kelly put my socks on, because I was prohibited from bending over for the first couple of weeks.”
The room became silent.
Suddenly, Phil laughed out loud. “I’m appreciating on a whole new level what this refiring stuff is all about!”
And at that moment, the old Phil returned.
“I may not be able to take any more mountain climbing trips with my buddies,” he continued, “but I’m sure going to be able to reach a place where I can take a walk on the beach with Kelly. At this point in my refiring journey, I’m not going to be able to work very much—particularly if it means sitting in a chair for hours at a time—because that’s not what this body is capable of doing right now. On the bright side, this condition forces me to think about what other things I can do to get myself going.”
“I wish I’d known what you were going through, Phil, so I could have helped out,” said Janice.
“I didn’t want to burden anyone,” said Phil.
“So you’ve been suffering in silence,” teased Larry.
“More or less,” Phil admitted. “To be honest, I had to fight the temptation to give up.”
“What do you mean?” asked Janice with a look of alarm.
“I got depressed and really down on myself. I kept trying to figure out why this had happened. I felt picked on by fate or God or who knows what, and was beginning to think of myself as a permanent invalid.”
“But you know what?” said Kelly. “The kids would have none of it.”
“The kids?” Larry and Janice said together.
“Yes, the kids. They called up their dad and told him they expected him to recover, that they would not accept his giving up. They said that while part of his recovery might depend on the outcome of his surgery, a lot of it would depend on how hard he was willing to work to gain his strength back, do physical therapy, and whatever else he had to do. They were supportive but straightforward. It was tough love all over again, but this time Phil was on the receiving end instead of dishing it out.”
“It’s true,” added Phil. “The kids and I switched roles. Rather than me being there for them when they were in trouble, they were there for me.”
Larry smiled. “I remember the first time that happened to me. A few years ago when I was still skiing, my youngest daughter had to slow down to wait for me and make sure I was okay, as opposed to my slowing down and waiting for her to make sure she was okay. It was a weird feeling.”
Janice warmed up Phil’s coffee. “So now that you’re getting to the other side of all this, what have you learned?” she asked.
“I’m still learning,” Phil replied. “I’m learning that bad things can happen to anyone—there aren’t any guarantees or free passes in life. I’d said those words before, but now I really understand them. I’ve learned that it’s easy to feel optimistic and ready to refire when you’re feeling good, but not so easy when you’re feeling bad. I’ve learned to appreciate the simpler things, like being able to come over here and visit with the two of you, or take a short walk in front of my house, or go to the movies, which I’ll be able to do next week once I’ve gotten the okay to sit for a few hours at a time.”
“I’ve learned a lot from this too,” said Kelly.
“Such as?” Janice prodded.
“I’ve learned that no matter what your circumstances are, you still have a choice about how to deal with those circumstances. I learned that from seeing what a difference it made once Phil listened to his kids and turned his attitude around.”
“It wasn’t just the kids that turned me around,” said Phil. “A lot of it was that I just got mad.”
“Mad? What do you mean?” asked Larry.
“I got mad at myself for being a whiner. I got fed up with myself for being so passive and acting like a wimp, waiting for other people to come to my rescue. I just got mad.”
“And when Phil gets mad,” said Kelly with a smile, “you know what happens?”
“What?” asked Janice.
“His anger activates him. It gets him going. It’s the opposite of when he’s depressed, when he just sits around and mopes. When Phil gets angry, he gets creative. He reaches out and does the sorts of things that have made him successful in other parts of his life. It’s one of the things I love about him.”
“So I got mad and saw that my recovery was up to me,” said Phil. “I couldn’t wait for other people. The surgeon had done his thing, and now if I was going to do the things I wanted to do, I would have to stop sitting around moping and begin acting. I called up two friends who’d gone through the same type of operation, and both of them were now doing pretty well. My friend Don, who was six months postsurgery, said his healing had taken a long time, much longer than the surgeons had led him to believe. He was finally getting back into the swing of things and walking without any type of aid. My other friend, Walt, actually came over and visited. Like Don, his recovery had taken much longer than expected, but he was now living a full and active life, pretty much back to what he was doing, maybe at the 80 to 90 percent level.”
“That was a great idea, getting encouragement from people who’d walked in your moccasins,” said Janice. “Did they give you any pointers?”
“They both said that choosing a good physical therapist was really important, so we found someone who was personable and knowledgeable. I’m happy to report that I’m through my first week of physical therapy and I think it’s going to work.”
“Actually,” said Kelly, “Phil has been off the walker for two weeks. We only brought it tonight because we didn’t know how far away we’d have to park. But he’s using the cane now and walking on his own.”
Phil shook his head. “I’m amazed how tired I get after an hour of physical therapy, especially when I think about how much exercise I used to do.”
“On the bright side,” said Kelly, “we have been out to dinner.”
“And in addition to a movie next week, believe it or not, we’re going to a dinner dance next Saturday night. I’ll have to come with a cane, though.”
Kelly smiled. “And we probably won’t be doing much dancing. But the point is we’ll be there with our friends and back to living a real life.”
“Way to go!” said Larry.
Kelly reached over and put her hand on Phil’s arm. “This whole ordeal has taught us that refiring is not just for the hale and hearty; it’s something you can do even if you’re not 100 percent well. So much of our health and recovery from illness depends on our attitude. Phil and I have decided to accept what comes and at the same time stay focused on what’s positive—every single day.”
Later that night after Larry and Janice had climbed into bed, they reflected on the evening.
“I was so shocked to see Phil using a walker when I opened the door,” Janice said.
“What surprised me,” said Larry, “is that Phil, who is usually so enthusiastic and positive, wound up being like anybody else when he was suddenly confronted with a physical limitation.”
“Yeah, that was interesting,” said Janice. “I was so impressed by how open and honest they both were about the ups and downs they’ve been through. I admire that, because you know what? Anything could happen to any of us, anytime.”
“Phil’s a great role model,” said Larry. “He really drove home the point that it’s up to us to determine how to deal with a setback. I’m so glad he’s decided he’s not going to allow this to take over his life.”
“And I like what Kelly said about refiring not just being for those who are physically strong. I have a sense that Phil and Kelly may be the most successful refirers of all.”
One morning Larry stepped on his scale and saw that he was halfway to his goal of losing twenty pounds.
“Time to go see Dr. Jeffrey!” he said to Janice. “I want to brag a little.”
On their way to Dr. Jeffrey’s office, Janice commented, “After seeing Phil’s struggle to recover from his back injury, I feel so grateful we’ve been able to refire physically over the past few months.”
“That’s for sure,” said Larry. “I’m not going to take it for granted that I can pop into the Y and do a few sets of leg presses and bicep curls.”
When they settled into their seats in Dr. Jeffrey’s office, Larry and Janice were excited to share with him their Refiring Physically Code of Conduct:
REFIRING PHYSICALLY
|
Honor and strengthen your body |
|
Move your body |
|
Eat less and enjoy more |
|
Play hard; rest well |
|
Stretch everyday |
|
Practice standing on one foot |
After Dr. Jeffrey looked up with an approving smile, Larry and Janice grew animated as they shared not only what they’d been doing to refire physically, but also what they’d learned about dealing with setbacks. Larry even showed off his improved pecs.
“I thought these chest muscles were gone for good,” Larry said with a laugh. “Dr. Frederick praised me for the progress I’ve made and said my numbers are getting better and better. Guess it just goes to show that you can get back on the horse, even after falling off.”
Janice gave Dr. Jeffrey a demonstration of how she could stay balanced on one foot at a time for almost a minute.
“We’re starting to feel like new people,” said Janice. “A friend of ours had a debilitating back injury this year, which has made us especially aware of how lucky we are to even be able to use the gym.”
“Now that’s a winning attitude,” said Dr. Jeffrey.
PAUSE, REFLECT, TAKE ACTION
Identify a setback—physical, financial, emotional—that you’ve gone through. How did you react?
What did you learn that can help you more effectively deal with any future setbacks?
What setback or challenge are you currently dealing with?
What are the things you can do to address this setback or challenge?
Choose one thing you can do and start this week.
Be healthy ♦♦♦