I am in control. I am able to put things in perspective. When I’m near fattening foods, I purposely fill my brain full of thin thoughts: of soon being on a glorious business trip—alone with my husband—to Palm Springs; of skinniness; of prettiness; of new and fun activities. But first, I have to pay the price. It isn’t enough to merely give up M&M’s. Although that might be hell in itself, I have to do more. I have to pay the price for the billions of M&M’s I’ve consumed in the past.
It’s like repentance. To truly repent, there must be a restitution, if possible. The thief has the relatively simple task of repaying those from whom he stole, but the repentant fat person must literally give up part of herself. She must reduce her caloric intake to such a level that it compensates for all the pig-outs of the past. And that task cannot be done overnight. It is accomplished day by day, week by week, and month by month. Slowly making restitution to one’s own body. Repenting to self, to mate, to family, to God. As slowly as the fat dissolves, the restitution is made. Eventually I will stand before a full-length mirror and proclaim to myself, “There! I paid you back. I am no longer in debt to you… to me. I am free.”