Tomorrow is my eighteenth wedding anniversary. That includes seventeen fat years! I am thankful that I am feeling some control in my life. The constant terror of being out of control makes me miserable. It is a continual source of amazement to me that I can turn from such depths of agony to try again. Sometimes the only thing that keeps me going, keeps me trying again, is the fact that I have a spark of the divine within. When I reach out to my Creator, I experience a never-ending hope. Without hope, life is meaningless.
I’m afraid life had become meaningless for two boys that went to school with my children. In the last two weeks, both boys, from two different schools, committed suicide. How my heart ached for their mothers, fathers, and families, but especially for their mothers. What agony those mothers must have experienced. I wept hot, sorry tears for them both, and for the poor, little, lost lives.
Jeremy knew one of the boys. He was in two of Jeremy’s high-school classes. This boy hadn’t been especially popular; he was a little quiet, a little unsure of himself. His hair was often slightly greasy and was not cut in the latest style. His shirts were a little too small, his pants a little too short.
I keep torturing myself with the thought that maybe if one person had said hi to him that day; if one student had asked, “Hey, can I sit with you for lunch?”; if one teacher had complimented, “John, you did much better on your last assignment,” maybe… maybe he wouldn’t have felt compelled to end his sad, young life. Maybe he needed only one tiny reason to want to live. Maybe he required just one ray of hope, one hand of friendship to feel that at least today was better than yesterday.
I guess those two boys had a sort of hope… a hope for a better existence, perhaps. A hope for some rest or peace or love or acceptance. Please, God, help them find it. Take them to your forgiving heart and help them find some comfort and love in the eternities. And please… give solace to their poor, grieving mothers.
I pray that someday I will be able to make a difference in someone’s life, that I can give someone hope for success on this earth. I want to help people reach their potential by ridding themselves of life-sucking fat. And, if I ever get rich, I want to establish some kind of “anti-geek” center offering classes where kids can learn social survival skills: how to dress, how to walk, how to keep as clean and good-looking as possible—whether rich or poor, fat or thin.